What should I have done?

[busywend]

Yes, you let some things go. It is hard to do. At times it makes my skin crawl. But, not as much as living in a battle ground did.

So what if my child did not shower on the regular basis I wanted her to learn to. She just was not going to do it on my terms. Was I to fret about that for 5 years? She is finally at 17 taking regular showers - oh not at her dad's house, only at mine. She has to keep some control !

She did not bruch her teeth every night or morning either. I am religious about brushing at least those 2 times every day. One would think she might even learn by example. Well, the constant reminding that turned into constant arguing never worked. Those teeth did not end up getting brushed. Just an argument ensued. It was not worth it. I would much rather have her peaceful at home. It seemed healthier than clean teeth.

Ya know, I actually learned this from this board. It was like I got permission from someone here to parent this way that was totally foreign and not correct. Now you have permission!

 

[Marguerite]

You are learning how to do this. This was a worthwhile experience.

The sprite - you made it a Basket A option, when you should have let it go.

Several things to help you remember - Basket A is IMMEDIATE safety only. Everything else is either negotiable or "don't go there". Your aim must be to prevent a meltdown. Other than that, you can negotiate for what you want, as long as you're not trying for too much at the one time.

Another thing to help you keep it in better perspective (for ALL your kids) - try to relate to your kids as if you are relating to a visiting friend. If you had served dinner and glass of sprite to your friend and your friend had said, "I don't like sprite any more," would you have done what you did? Would you have then said to your friend, "You can have it back, but only after you eat two more mouthfuls."?

If there is any Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) similarity in your son, he is not going to pick up social skills easily. His high frustration level is also going to get in the way of a lot of his ability to learn to control his behaviour. He needs to learn to respect you and to not throw tantrums; but for this, YOU have to be the hero here, you have to be the one to first show HIM respect, in your manner towards him. Now, you did well by remaining calm, but you goofed when you made this a Basket A issue and tried to insist. And you REALLY goofed when you lost your cool and shouted at him - because that is teaching him that if you are REALLY angry, then it's OK and acceptable to shout at people, it's what you do when you want the last word in compliance.

He needs to unlearn this now. And for this, you need to learn a different way of handling him. You're making progress.

What you should have done - maybe offered him a glass of water instead, to have immediately. Or given him choice - glass of water, glass of sprite, or nothing. HIS choice.

He may say, "I don't like sprite nay more," but that doesn't mean he won't drink it if it's available. Frankly, he may have just been making conversation, as I might if I said to my friend, "I've decided I don't like chocolate much any more, although I will finish eating this biscuit because I'm hungry."

Something I would have done - I would have said to him, "Does this mean that I can take this glass away now?" and let him respond verbally. If the glass has not been taken away, just the suggestion, with an opening for him to respond before anything happens, he should feel secure enough to not tantrum.

I would also ask him, out of curiosity, why he doesn't like sprite. For the sake of learning to explain himself and to learn how to converse, he needs to be able to analyse his feelings and practice expressing himself. We do this with difficult child 3, especially when he is trying new foods. "Have a taste and tell me if you like this. I need you to tell me one thing you like about it and one thing you don't like about it." In this way he tried mashed kumara and told us he didn't like the creamy texture, but the sweet taste was interesting. He was secure in knowing we wouldn't make him have any more if he didn't want to.

Yes, it does seem like indulging him; but with time he will learn what is appropriate and will also learn to keep himself calm, especially if he learns to trust that you will help him stay calm.

Keep reading. You're already seeing the benefits. And you haven't even finished the book yet!

Marg