What to do when my daughter hits me

[HopeRemains]

I haven't called the police yet, but I'm afraid that I will have to eventually. I have told difficult child that I will be forced to call the police if he hits me in the future (but probably just killed that because he punched me in the collarbone last week and I didn't call the police). He's screamed and yelled "Go ahead MOM, just go ahead and call the police on me"! Then he'll go back to crying "Please don't call the police on me....". It's one of the hardest things I've had to hear from him. He's 8 for cryin out loud, I shouldn't have to be thinking that the police are the only way to get him to stop hitting! Ugh!

Short story long, I feel your pain and your frustration. I wish I had advice to give, but I don't. Not yet anyways. I agree with whoever said that you cannot *let* her do this to you, there must be consequences. After difficult child hit me last week, he was grounded to his room for 4 days. That was the harshest punishment we've ever given for it. He was an absolute angel the whole time he was grounded, sweet as can be. I feel like the stricter we are, the better he behaves. (And the more guilty I feel that I have to have much stricter boundries with him than with my little one, and my StepMonster status escalates each time. =(.)

 

[susiestar]

Lanelly, you are totally welcome for the replies. I sometimes think I write way too much, so sorry if I overwhelm you with the quantity. Please feel free to ignore whatever isn't helpful to your situation.

You say that your daughter's intentions are not to hurt you but to feel powerful. I know it is confusing, but this is the goal of ALL abuse, including sexual assault. It is ALL about power and control, period. the method used is whatever will get that feeling. It is a HARD thing for a victim/survivor to understand, but it is the root of it ALL. This is exactly WHY you need to get this stopped NOW, and to help her find other ways to feel in control and powerful. It also may be why the strict, consistent traditional parenting style was a disaster with her.

I think lots of kids with a great need for control are that way because they feel out of control inside. Sensory and auditory issues can really make you feel that way. I still have times when I feel i am being bombarded with sensory input and I just can't cope. I get very snappish and combative and f I can't get OUT then I can get really nasty because I want someone to throw me out. I never acted out thsi way in school partly because I was afraid of what my aprents would do (they were NOT abusive but were strict) and because it didn't occur to me that it would make things better. Instead I got migraines and other stress related problems. I don't go into malls for long and thankfully my kids hate them, because the sounds and esp the horrible potpourri and perfumes that every store seems to use are more than I can cope with. My kids used to BEG to go in just to go to the candy store until I found th store that delivers to those candy stores, the ones wth all the junky candy that the kids go nuts over. I used to give them a certain amt of $ to spend there if they would just NOT make me go to the mall. I don't know how, but I have the only 16yo girl I know who works to get me to NOT go to a mall for any reason. She hates the sounds/smells/overload there too, plus she can't figure out why anyone would pay that much for the thigns they sell (my girl!!).

I do think your daughter may feel out of control and be hitting to exert control, make you do something, give her attention. It is a major reason to have the sensory and auditory/speech things tested thoroughly. If you can't help her learn to use other ways to feel that power and control, you may be faced with a very dangerous person in a few years. This is why I urge you to find out what is going on and the best ways to help her.

As for the good days, they don't mean the bad ones didn't happen. They are respite, a time for you to recharge so that you can continue to cope on the bad days. My mom once told me that the good days are there to keep us from doing what angelfish do and eating our young. seriously, she told me this when I was about 15. My bro is a total difficult child and I asked her why he was so great sometimes and so awful the rest of the time. She reminded me of this when I had my own kids. Probably a twisted way to look at things, but it gave me perspective.

I am proud of you for doing the parent report. Be SURE to put her photo in there. I actually put my son's photo at the beginning of every section of the report. It helps the reader remember this is a PERSON they are reading about, and helps them remember WHICH person too. Around here a lot of docs and hospitals are adding photos to charts for this same reason.

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetheart - it is perfectly normal to not want to cuddle after being abused, and make no mistake, you are being abused. If your husband getting involved escalates the situation - then so be it; having two adults who agree on what happened will help. Call the police every time. A "poke" can leave a bruise - ask my son about being "tickled" by his sister. I've been black and blue from head to toe. It is NOT acceptable.

Unfortunately, with all the overreaction out there, you might get investigated. But keep in mind - this could be a GOOD thing. It might open the door to services that will HELP... And after a few transports to an ER for a psychiatric evaluation, CPS will try to help. They may be able to do more or less.

husband has GOT to stand BESIDE you.

I know how you feel and I would not go back there for anything in the world. We're here though!!!

 

[Madhatter]

This is my second post here. My 9 year old daughter (ODD, Anxiety), has been getting worse and seems to hit me almost everyday now. I posted a bit about her hitting in my first post, but it's starting to get harder for me to handle. I guess this is what it feels like to be a battered woman. My husband tells me not to take it personally, and I don't, but it's really doing a job on me. Today, in between her outbursts she came to cuddle with me and eventhough I faked it, I was so on edge and thought I was going to have a heart attack with her next to me (I swear I was having shooting pains in my arm). I'm anxious, sad, stressed and angry that my daughter is getting away with this. This evening I even felt nauseous after - my head wanted a glass of wine, but I ended up having a glass of Coke - my body was craving it.

I have tried ignoring her, blocking her, grabbing her, leaving the room (I used to be able to get away fast enough to lock myself in another room - now she's on to me). Today I even herded her into the backyard and locked her out there in the rain for a bit (she had a shed to sit in). She begged to be let in, promised not to hit me, and of course hit me harder and tried to tackle me once I let her in. I even called the police once and it didn't do anything. It scared her that day, but the hitting didn't stop. Now she just uses it against me when she hits me and says, "why don't you call the police like you did before? I'm a bad kid so call the police!" We just started medications for the anxiety today, but who knows if, when and how much that will help.

An ideas would be so appreciated. I know this is not going away anytime soon. But I pysically/mentally can't take it much longer.[/QUOT