When do we get to trust....

[ThreeShadows]

That a difficult child is really changing???

difficult child 2 (dubbed Bad Baby B in the NICU; hah! even then!) came for a four day visit accompanied by his fiancée. It was to celebrate his 23rd b'day. We had a really great time. I have not enjoyed this loving side of him since he was 11y.o. The twins helped make their dinner celebration, their help in the kitchen has always been a rare event so this was a treat for husband and me.

It seems (I still don't know what is reality) that all charges of theft were dropped as they arrested one of his former co-workers.

difficult child 2 is studying to be a medical asst., getting all A's and B's. He is really loving his community college experience, no high school drama. He is now considered to be a disabled US vet because he injured his knee during training. His VA doctor put him on a generic wellbutrin to help him quit smoking. I think this has helped mellow him out.

Fiancée seems very nice and polite, I feel sorry that she seems to have to be the emotional brakes for difficult child 2. I've done that during my entire marriage and it's exhausting. The two brothers did not fight, but they definitely have invisible wires between them which they cannot seem to sever.

difficult child 1 is having a hard time seeing his twin so attached to someone else. It's sad to watch but it's his problem!

The VA is sending difficult child 2 to Boston for fiber optic exam of his knee and possible removal of his meniscus. They have him on tramadol (synthetic opioid). This makes me REALLY nervous because of his years of drug use. They needed to wait until after the surgery, not before. I tore my meniscus and took ibuprofen because of my own fears of dependency.

When can I start to exhale? Can the love of a good woman really set him straight? Is it possible that the good grades and support he enjoys at his college are leading him toward maturity and a decent sense of self? Do I believe in miracles?

 

[BusynMember]

How long has he been improved?
No, nobody can love a difficult child into behaving. That has to come from inside him. But maybe it HAS come from inside him so that he actually attracted a NICE women, and that's a good thing.
I didn't exhale for two years.

 

[Suz]

My Rob has been doing much better since he started going out with his fiance. I don't know if it was coincidence that she arrived when he decided he wanted a better life for himself or if her influence kick-started him that direction. I do know that he got tired of living a miserable life. He was about 23 when this started happening and he's 25 now.

Have I exhaled yet? No.

Will I ever? Doubtful.

Regardless, I am loving each and every day there isn't a crisis and each and every day there is peace.

Enjoy!

Suz

 

[goldenguru]

Enjoy and savor the moment.

What else can a mom do?

 

[DammitJanet]

What is it with 23? LMAO. I think hitting 22 to 25 is the biggest spurt of emotional growth for difficult child's. Its like when they went from infants to kindergarten all over again.

I dont think parents of difficult child's ever fully stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. We always sleep with one ear focused for that phone to ring. Im telling ya, my adrenilen levels still havent gone down to normal after my last midnight call! I think we slowly start to get into a holding pattern where we push the worry down.

 

[everywoman]

Tripp was 21 in May. I have seen some growth---but am really looking forward to some emotional growth in the next few years. He is so behind his peers emotionally---maybe it's the years of drug use, maybe it's the mental illness...but, he is better than he was at 20, 19, 18, 17,16, 15, 14......so, that's a move in the right direction.

 

[Steely]

I dont think parents of difficult child's ever fully stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. We always sleep with one ear focused for that phone to ring. I think we slowly start to get into a holding pattern where we push the worry down.

I agree with Janet. I am not sure if I will ever feel like the other shoe will not drop. As parents of difficult children, we basically have been conditioned over the period of their life to wait for the other shoe. Yet, I find this a horrible way to exist. I want to believe, hope, and thrive in the safety and security of my emotional well being.

Matt is doing the same thing as your son, although it has nothing to do with a woman, but more to do with the program he is in. When he visits me, I fear every move he makes - even though he is maturing by leaps and bounds - and has not been violent towards me in any way in almost a year. I feel guilty for not enjoying him more when he is here - and I feel guilty that I fear my own son - yet what is one to do when they have suffered the drama and abuse our kids put us through?

I am so conflicted by this - as it seems your are. I wish I had answers, however, it seems the only answer is that we have to take every minute as it comes. We cannot project into the future, or plan on expecting certain things from events - we can only take one minute at a time. And for me that is super hard.

Sending hugs & wisdom your way.

 

[DammitJanet]

You know...most families can hear the phone ring and not tense up. Or have someone say...Hey did you hear...and not cringe thinking the next words are going to be something to the effect of...your son is A) dead B) in jail C) wanted for a crime or D) something else just as hideous.

 

[Suz]

.Hey did you hear...and not cringe thinking the next words are going to be something to the effect of...your son is A) dead B) in jail C) wanted for a crime or D) something else just as hideous.

Janet, I hear ya. That is PRECISELY why I appreciate every daggone second of peace in my life...and in Rob's life. It's a miracle, really, considering where we were a few years ago.

(I am knocking on wood!)

When he visits me, I fear every move he makes - even though he is maturing by leaps and bounds - and has not been violent towards me in any way in almost a year. I feel guilty for not enjoying him more when he is here - and I feel guilty that I fear my own son - yet what is one to do when they have suffered the drama and abuse our kids put us through?

Steely, I hear ya. I was like that for years. It's just been in this past year that I've been alone with Rob for any length of time and felt safe. Don't get discouraged. If Matt continues along a positive path, hopefully you will be able to feel safe again, too. In the meantime, do NOT knock yourself out feeling guilty for your feelings. They are what they are and were warranted at the time. Hopefully they won't be warranted forever and you will feel some relief.

Suz

 

[ThreeShadows]

Wow! I hear all of you! When he came for the visit I hid my purse (old habit...).

 

[DammitJanet]

3shadows....it took me a few months to stop checking behind Cory when he came to visit to see if he stole anything. We deliberately left a dollar bill out on top of a clock to see if he would take it. In the old days, that sucker would have been gone in a new york minute. It is still there 8 months later. Now I dont worry so much. He hasnt stolen any money or any of my medications from me since I got home from the hospital. I am quite proud of the boy.

 

[Steely]

Do any of you feel tremendous angst in the fact that we fear our own offspring? We gave birth to them, (or adopted them at birth), loved them unconditionally, they messed up, and hurt us, deeply - yet now they are trying, but we as parents are still damaged. For me, I feel it is such a sad deal - that as hard as Matt tries - I cannot internally forget. I do not want that type of mother son relationship. And it is not fair to him, to try and "talk about it, or work through it in counseling". He has/is already suffering the consequences. There is no need for familial guilt.

I don't know. How do you work past this?

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...I think that is probably such an individual thing based on what our lives have been like with our kids. I never had to live in physical fear of Cory. That wasnt one of his problems. He had many others. My relationship with him was damaged for awhile but it has gotten a lot better. I dont think our relationship was ever as damaged as his relationship was with his father though. They really went through a period where it was almost a hatred type thing. They both loved each other on a deep seated level but they couldnt be in the same place without extreme anger spewing over. Now, that has been worked through and they are much much closer. Cory really wants his fathers approval and affection but never knew how to get it. His father was very hard on him too. It was a really bad situation.

I am much more bonded with Cory...we are so much alike that it is really hard for me to stay mad at him for long. It is like we are cut from the same cloth. I just understand him better than most. Of course we share many similarities.

We dont have guilt I dont think. Maybe he does. He did tell me that seeing me almost die was when he knew he needed to turn things around because I was so mad at him before I got sick and that if I had died, he would have never gotten the chance to let me see him do right. So maybe a little bit of guilt is there.