When he wants to hug me...

[TerryJ2]

She said she had bipolar disorder.She was always grounded, and her mother used to be tell me that XXX made "bad choices." Her last bad choice was to hang herself. Be careful with your fragile children. Her parents didn't see it coming--they thought she was actually "more upbeat" the last two weeks of her life. She was sixteen years old. Take care.

OMG, that is awful.
Yes, that does give quite a twist to "Bad choices."
I'm wondering if she was more upbeat because she had made a plan? (even if it was a suicide plan..) and that somehow gave her peace? So sad.

 

[TerryJ2]

It was started by a mom looking for ideas on an appropriate way to address hugging her child when she was just wiped out and had nothing to offer at that moment. That is a very real and very human response. It does not speak of conditional love at all. She wasn't looking to teach a lesson. She was looking for help on what to do when she just had nothing more to give.

Thank you, Heather. I was just about to revisit, cut and paste my original note when I found yours.

My point was lost.

My original questions was, "How do I shore up my resourses... when I'm all used up emotionally?"

 

[timer lady]

Terry,

I apologize - I didn't mean for this to get so off track.

All I can offer is for you to do what is best for you to recharge your batteries. Personally, piano & a game of golf are 2 of the best ways I find to ground myself.

It's amazing what hitting a bucket of balls can do for your spirit after a meltdown.

Again, I'm sorry.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm the black sheep of the family when it comes to golf. :frown:
Linda, will you play the piano for me? :smile: :crazy:

I've got a plan in place... I'm going to do anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medications, more exercise, more massages, drop difficult child off at husband's ofc and have him do filing or something at least once a wk so I can reserve my time with-difficult child to do more "fun" things with-him instead of being the Mean Mom, AND learn to detach.

Mostly, I need to make sure that husband is on the same page.
We have way too many misunderstandings and difficult child can use us against one another and make it worse. It's pretty amazing how clever a delayed kid can be! More than that, husband won't sit down with-me and plan out everything and he works way too many hrs to be able to deal with-any of this... that would be an issue even if difficult child weren't ours.

 

[Just keep swimming]

yes, Terry, sorry! Deep breathing, Mommy time outs, take a walk outside, call a friend who understands, vent on here, give husband the reins and go crafting, get in my car and blast whatever feels good at that moment, take a long hot bath, etc, are all things I have tried.

I know exactly what you mean, I really don't have any great ideas other than above. I finally had to see MY doctor and get on medications for ME to help me cope with difficult child. I am better able to offer up the hugs sooner after a meltdown than I used to be.

HUGS to you!!!
Vickie

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Heather,
To say -" I agree with Linda, TM, Janet, Heather and the others who believe that the child needs to understand the effects of their negative behaviors on us. ' - implies that the others and me don't agree that the kid needs to understand the effects of his behaviors. ??

'Sorry you have missed the whole point I was making. Being conditional does not promote empathy or reflection on the part of the child. Teaching deductively does not teach empathy and perspective taking. The discussion was the most effective way to teach a lesson , inductively or deductively. '

You are right how the thread started, but the discussion evolved with me also raising the point that a kid can interpet it that your love is conditional. A poster mentioned that as a kid she felt her parent's love was conditional, although as an adult she knows her parents loved her unconditionally. It was suggested that the parent say she was happy to give a hug but needed time to deal with her emotions. The discussion also dealt with the notion by not giving the hug you would be helping the kid understand the effects of his behaviors. I said that this type of deductive discipline is likely to be perceived as making your love contingent or conditional on behavior , and further focuses on the consequence and the parent issuing the consequence and not the action. I suggested using inductive discipline , giving the hug and then through dialog questioning communicate with the child, explore the issues , help her come to conclusions. You have also shown that you are responsible for your feelings and that problems can be solved by' working with ', there is no need to ' teach a lesson' by ' doing to a kid , giving a consequence.

Allan

 

[timer lady]

Terry,

I'd love to play a piece or two for you. I'm currently working on the Polovestian (sp?) Dance by Borodin. I have a recital coming up this month - feel free to join the audience while I muddle my way through.

More seriously, it will take some time to find what helps you center. A bath, while a luxury, was no longer doing it. I needed something long term.

Have a good day. I hope it's calmer for you.

 

[timer lady]

by the way, our little wonders are infamous for triangulating! Mom's tend to take the brunt of difficult child antics - Dad's rarely see it. It's frustrating to say the least.

I was lucky - my husband from day one saw what was going on & backed me up. I remember one day husband telling wm "you will treat my wife with respect". Certainly stopped wm in his tracks - he thought husband was his bud.

I hope you & husband can find time to sort this out. It's amazing the energy you can find when everyone is on the same page.

 

[flutterbee]

Alan - I understand what you are saying and what you have been saying throughout this thread. My point is that this thread was not started by a mom looking to teach a lesson or show conditional love. She was looking for ideas on how to "shore up [her] resources" when she was feeling emotionally spent. In order for the original poster's point to be not be lost in the midst of discussion, it would probably be more appropriate to start a new thread in which to have that discussion. To not address the original intent of the post and instead use it as a subject of discussion does a disservice to the OP and defeats the purpose of a support forum.

Terry - I really like the plan you came up with. It's proactive and addresses the need for time to yourself as well as time with difficult child where you don't have to be the "bad guy".