When you take the place of the real abuser in your abusers life

[Scent of Cedar *]

Where, oh where, has Daphne of the mixed metaphors gone?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Never to be seen again, I've been told.

But whereabouts are a secret.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

he knew who he was, even while he was enslaved to them; even when he was imprisoned, by them.

There is a key for us here: Enslaved. Imprisoned.

That is us.

Enslaved to the required roles then, in our childhoods; imprisoned within the roles now, by our habitual patterns of thinking.

The outrageous (and they are outrageous) behaviors of our roaringly dysfunctional sibs reveal the intrinsic pathology in the roles we were enslaved to fulfill.

Think about that for a minute. See without the hurt. See the horrible damage in those roles. We lived that.

We grew up with the messages our sisters are so determinedly sending to this day.

That is their fascination for us.

***

I mean enslaved in the sense that we were never allowed legitimacy outside the parameters of the role.

Born into families committed to a systematic dehumanization similar in form and function to the systematic dehumanization of societal racism, we are victims of prejudice as surely as any disenfranchised people.

Put the pieces together. Trace the way we are so determinedly seen by our sisters in light of what we know of the justification employed to service the hatred of the rabid racist.

http://inthesetimes.com/article/2523

***

Understand the freedom in taking charge of our lives through the one thing the rules in our dysfunctional families could not prevent: That we grew into beautiful women. Think of the guilt surrounding our own sexuality and where that came from in light of racist rhetoric. Think of our own senses of free fall in learning to think for ourselves, in determining right from wrong and in the concept of service we each came to feel so strongly.

Think of my sense of freedom in finding the Benedictines: Like me. To this day: Like me.

Think of the truth that in each of our cases, the males who love us are hated as passionately as we are; that they are lied about and fiercely disparaged as are our children.

Those things, all this and more ~ are a form of racism and that is how we were brought up. Those are the emotional currents describing and attending the term scapegoat.

That is what we are dealing with here. I think it will be helpful for us to explore FOO issues in this light. With sincere apology to those experiencing the additional burden of societal racism...man, I could never understand that term white privilege. Now, I am acknowledging the taste of that in unraveling the undercurrents of my own life.

The ugliness of racism. The unreasoning hatred of prejudice. The endless disparagement. The reflex self righteousness of the outraged racist who, as my sister claims to do too, walks with some version of the Lord in justifying her determination to hate and devalue and disparage.

Isn't that something.

Think of the controversies erupting over the issue of gay marriage.

Think of the way hatred works, whatever its focus.

We each will come through this layer with hearts open. Where that will bring us is unknown, but these understandings about myself will change everything about how I experience the ugliness that is prejudice in all its forms. The roles we were twisted into in our families of origin are ingrained in us, are so much who we are that, until today, we were blind to it.

A blind and savaged Child recall
its first and bitter tears
Metallic
copper colored fears

Recall shattered reflections
insane turnings and twistings

White candles
in an Innocent's mirror

I forgot how the rest of that one goes. What it feels like, to have been blinded as we have been, is that feeling of "automaton". That numbing comprised of confusion and primal fear. Now, we see it for what it is.

Healing will happen rapidly for us, now.

***
These understandings will guide and inform our healing.

Just think of Serenity's rabidly obsessed sister taking some weird satisfaction from imagining the hurt Serenity will feel.

Who does that?

That is the nature and intensity of feeling each of our sisters focuses onto each of us. Little girls still when we took on the role of pseudo mom, we were enslaved to the needs of the roaringly dysfunctional family and we are still serving that same role, particularly for our less evolved, grandiosity-twisted sisters.

This experience with Serenity's sister has been beneficial for us.

I deeply regret the hurt in it for you, Serenity. Your sister is hatefully wrong in her thinking, as all racist or fundamentalist thinkers inherently are. But in exposing the nature of the dysfunction she carries here, your sister has enabled each of us to see ourselves and our positions with clarity.

***

So, I am thinking of that feeling of "automaton". That is how we function through fear. We experience varying degrees of automaton in every smallest interaction with our toxic families of origin. We carry the taste of that into our outer lives, too.

Now, we know where it comes from, and we know why and how. Now, we have a model for healing something very like racism and the prejudice justifying it.

Now, we will easily declare freedom from the taste of it. That is not us. That is the flavor of them. Racist, prejudiced, self righteous.

Easily, so easily cleared, once we see it.

***

So, I was going to go into this whole thing about my sister and her identity with the primary abuser and etc. I decided that, now that we understand what their deal is, the sisters can be safely disregarded.

The way we see our sisters: This too is a role, is an identity we were hurt into and how did we miss that?!?

That is where we work, next.

Automaton.

We will come to the heart of this and choose freedom for ourselves as surely as people of color are fighting for their own freedom.

And we will do it just the way they are doing it.

Our enslavement is no less pervasive a thing than the enslavement of any person or group of people. It's a mindset hurt into us in our dysfunctional family systems. (Whoo boy, dysfunction. That's a nice, clean term for what really went on in our families of origin.) The roles they insisted on left us believing we have no choice.

We do.

It's having been taught we are dirty or less than. That is the harm in what the witch mother did, and the sisters want to do it, too.

Automaton.

There are amazing answers here for us.

The core issue, exposed.

The blind hatred fueling prejudice and racism. That's what fuels our dysfunctional family systems to this very day.

No wonder being the nice guy didn't work. Who wouldn't rather have a nice, amenable to her enslavement slave than a rebellious one.

Huh.

I believe I have been upfront about my FOO relationships as I know them to be and if the poster really is interested in learning more, all she needs to do is read, but I am not going to fight with her or anybody.

I think it is our slave mentality that leaves us at a loss now, confronted by the rabid hatred of sisters we felt responsible for and protective of.

Why do the sisters matter to us? It could be the dynamic behind the term white privilege.

Ugly stories; everything about the way we grew up, so ugly.

***

I see the racist's hatred and determination in Serenity's sister. Why do we carry the shame of their dysfunction? Theirs is a mindset of contempt and hatred and self justification as ugly as any form of prejudice we can name.

Our sisters are functioning from a prejudicial hatred because it serves them to do so but...why are we listening?

http://echorecovery.blogspot.com/2013/08/narcissistic-mother-scapegoat.html

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

White privilege defined. This is the flavor of our families of origin.

https://web.archive.org/web/20150930025427/http://amptoons.com/blog/files/mcintosh.html

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

The outrageous (and they are outrageous) behaviors of our roaringly dysfunctional sibs reveal the intrinsic pathology in the roles we were enslaved to fulfill.

We grew up with the messages our sisters are so determinedly sending to this day.

That is their fascination for us.

This is interesting to me. What you are saying here Cedar, I think, is that there is a conversation going on here. A lock and key conversation. They are "the key." Like Daphne tried to do, each of our sisters does the same.

As an aside here I posted a new thread with Franz Fanon quotes I got from Goodreads. Some of them cover territory that we have already covered. Some of them point me in directions I want to go.

In our sisters' grandiosity they tell each of us what we should not do or be. Or not do or be. By each of the things they grasp and hoard, they indicate to us what we cannot have. Because it is theirs. So this is why I compulsively shop on the internet. Buying things I never wanted or needed or ever will need. Because I am trying to get something...blindly...even that which I do not want. Perhaps especially that which I do not want. As a punishment for wanting anything at all. I am punishing myself for wanting anything by buying what I do not need...sometimes I do not even open the packages. I am trying to fill the empty loneliness and want within me that feels I cannot ever be filled by anything good....How is it that this still persists??? And why???

I mean enslaved in the sense that we were never allowed legitimacy outside the parameters of the role.

And that is why wanting has to be be filled by meaningless "stuff" now. Because I am not allowing myself to fill my desires assertively, with sustenance, and visible out of the shadows. So, that is next. Our blog. A book. Several books. (I always thought that would be my destiny. When I was writing my dissertation, I loved it so much, the process, I would actually plan how many books I might have time to write in my life. 25 years later. Zero.) The new Big City. M. I love and respect him so much. He respects and loves me so much. There is confidence there, in one another.

The reflex self righteousness of the outraged racist who, as my sister claims to do too, walks with some version of the Lord in justifying her determination to hate and devalue and disparage.

I looked up Authoritarian Personality when I read this and the rest of your post. That was a concept developed in mid 20th century, after the calamity in Europe to explain the rise of Hitler. It is also used to explain the societal racism in Southern USA as well as in other places.

After I read a bit, I did not think it fit. Or maybe it does. You may be interested.

Just think of Serenity's rabidly obsessed sister taking some weird satisfaction from imagining the hurt Serenity will feel.

I cannot bear, almost, to remember it.

There was an element of torture there, and sadism. I did not want to say it. Ridicule. Wanting her/us to retreat in shame to a corner. Alone. To be revealed as lacking. To be unmasked. To dis-empower. It is not surprising she is with a sadistic and abusive man. This is sado-masochism. Daphne enjoys inflicting pain and humiliation on her victim. I believe my sister may have an element of this. I fear. I am so, so sorry for us. Daphne acted against each of us. To frighten us. To make us feel unsafe and watched. How horrible to live as she does.

And now I am thinking of my sister. The pregnant silence. I am having twins. The intent is the same. To retreat in shame to my corner. Not enough. Not right. Not worthy.

Why do we carry the shame of their dysfunction?

Because we are meant to by the oppressors. We are the missing signifiers that carry the shame. They insist on being the signifiers that carry the sentence. That carry the dominant meaning. But the thing is sometimes it is the missing signifier that has the power. That is why they have to kill us off. (I know this does not make sense. But it make sense to me. I will get there so that I can explain it better.)

There is a key for us here: Enslaved. Imprisoned.

That is us.

Enslaved to the required roles then, in our childhoods; imprisoned within the roles now, by our habitual patterns of thinking.

The outrageous (and they are outrageous) behaviors of our roaringly dysfunctional sibs reveal the intrinsic pathology in the roles we were enslaved to fulfill.

Think about that for a minute. See without the hurt. See the horrible damage in those roles. We lived that.

We grew up with the messages our sisters are so determinedly sending to this day.

That is their fascination for us.

And their fascination with us. Because as long as we live, they will be enslaved. Not us.

I mean enslaved in the sense that we were never allowed legitimacy outside the parameters of the role.

By them. Not outside of their sphere...which as demonstrated by Daphne...they no longer control.

Born into families committed to a systematic dehumanization similar in form and function to the systematic dehumanization of societal racism, we are victims of prejudice as surely as any disenfranchised people.

Yes.

Put the pieces together. Trace the way we are so determinedly seen by our sisters in light of what we know of the justification employed to service the hatred of the rabid racist.

Yes.

Think of the truth that in each of our cases, the males who love us are hated as passionately as we are; that they are lied about and fiercely disparaged as are our children.

There is something here about killing out a family line, that should be expunged. (While I never reproduced biologically, I did reproduce culturally...the culture of Copa...which is as different from that of my sister as can be....) There is the sense here not only that we should be silenced or marginalized or discredited or blanketed but to be killed off. Like Eugenics.

The reflex self righteousness of the outraged racist who, as my sister claims to do too, walks with some version of the Lord in justifying her determination to hate and devalue and disparage.

See Authoritarian Personality and see if it fits, Cedar.

What it feels like, to have been blinded as we have been, is that feeling of "automaton". That numbing comprised of confusion and primal fear. Now, we see it for what it is.

Fanon uses the term "ghosts" to refer to the same thing. And claims that when the ghosts empower themselves they are unstoppable.

Just think of Serenity's rabidly obsessed sister taking some weird satisfaction from imagining the hurt Serenity will feel.

Who does that?

Sadists do. Daphne is punishing Serenity for leaving her. Because in her heart she knows she is nothing without her. She is missing a piece of herself, that it seems she will never find. She could, if she saw the brokenness in herself. As each of us has had to do.

But in exposing the nature of the dysfunction she carries here, your sister has enabled each of us to see ourselves and our positions with clarity.

Yes.

The way we see our sisters: This too is a role, is an identity we were hurt into and how did we miss that?!?

We have been working around it, but only now named it. Thank you, Daphne.

We will come to the heart of this and choose freedom for ourselves as surely as people of color are fighting for their own freedom.

See Fanon Thread.

The blind hatred fueling prejudice and racism. That's what fuels our dysfunctional family systems to this very day.

What I think it is is they covet a part of themselves that is tied to us. What I am trying to express with the missing signifier. Their sense of self, their power and efficacy was always contingent from the beginning on us. Our love. They are enraged that we left. They need us back to be complete. Even if they cannot accept it. They hate us not because they hate us.They hate us because we left...and they feel we left carrying a piece of them...that they need. They need us. We do not need them. They hate that. That is part of Daphne's rage.

This is a slavemaster/slave dynamic. I used to be fascinated by writings about slavery, from historians and sociologists. I could not tear myself away....yet could not much integrate it with the mainstream of my own studies. Now I know why. I will get some references.
'
Thank you, Cedar. Very thought provoking post.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

These quotes below are from the Fanon Thread.

“Two centuries ago, a former European colony decided to catch up with Europe. It succeeded so well that the United States of America became a monster, in which the taints, the sickness and the inhumanity of Europe have grown to appalling dimensions”
― Frantz Fanon

This reminds me of my sister. How she identified with the worst of my mother....to become herself.

“The Negro enslaved by his inferiority, the white man enslaved by his superiority alike behave in accordance with a neurotic orientation.”
― Frantz Fanon, Black Skin, White Masks

I think of our sisters here too. And our part, too, which we are changing. That is the conversation. Our task is to identify the conversations we are having about power. Daphne helped us a great deal.

“The unpreparedness of the educated classes, the lack of practical links between them and the mass of the people, their laziness, and, let it be said, their cowardice at the decisive moment of the struggle will give rise to tragic mishaps.”

I see my sister in this, too.

She is at her most vulnerable when she feels powerful. She goes too far. She is intoxicated by power over. Instead of exercising power with restraint, with care, with responsibility...she goes for the kill. She seems to be unable to stop herself.

Like my mother in the nursing home.
Like the doctor outside the room.

By her intoxication with her power she forgets to do the little thing...she becomes arrogant and lazy. Like not remembering that my mother could dis+empower her legally. She would not have thought of that. And did not.

And when she discovered it: she tried whichever way she could to berate and abuse our attorney (and I) so that I would cower and consent. She could not intimidate us. *Although I was afraid. Our attorney was not. Yeah for pit bull attorneys who are on our side.

She wanted me to buy from her anything of my mothers things that I wanted. When her will left each of us the right to have some things. I gave her first choice. She wanted me to purchase from her the rest.

Maybe if I can find her emails to the attorney and feel up to it, I can post one or two, as a way to help us.

 

[Copabanana]

The authors I think I liked about slavery in the American South were Genovese and his wife Fox-Genovese. I will re-read some of their work and see if it applies.

I also loved a book about slavery in Ancient Greece by somebody named Moses I Finley. He is interesting. He was denounced during the Red Scare and went to Britain.

I read that he had a loving marriage. He had a stroke one hour after he learned his wife had died. And died the next day.

Thank you for the opportunity to go down memory lane with writers I read long ago. It is so much fun to not be alone. To share something makes it so much sweeter.

Thank you for everything, each of you.

COPA

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Maybe if I can find her emails to attorney and feel up to it, I can post one or two, as a way to help us.

It would be best to paraphrase the emails, Copa. Always, our first responsibility is kindness to self. Protection is a priority. On the off chance that your sister would ever stumble onto this site, let there be nothing that would leave you open to legal action.

She wanted me to buy from her anything of my mothers things that I wanted. When her will left each of us the right to have some things. I gave her first choice. She wanted me to purchase from her the rest.

Power-over where none exists.

Hatred, in one of its myriad forms.

I'm sorry that happened to you, Copa.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Power relations * Social and Political

I got this on Wikipedia. More and more I am thinking like you guys that the dynamics in our family were as much about power dynamics and roles as about people and personality.

It is interesting that there is a discussion of enabling as a means of harnessing power.
Because each of our situations' was more the same than different. Role theory is in Sociology and Anthropology mostly. Most of the stuff about power has been written in Sociological/Philosophical/Literary/Gender/Colonial-Post Colonial studies traditions...not in Psychology....

How I am giddy and grateful to be looking at this stuff....I am so grateful for you...to share with you.

So, this is the first part in Wikipedia:

In social science and politics, power is the ability to influence or control the behavior of people. The term "authority" is often used for power perceived as legitimate by the social structure. Power can be seen as evil or unjust, but the exercise of power is accepted as endemic to humans as social beings. In business, power is often expressed as being "upward" or "downward". With downward power, a company's superior influences subordinates. When a company exerts upward power, it is the subordinates who influence the decisions of their leader or leaders.[1]

The use of power need not involve force or the threat of force (coercion). At one extreme, it more closely resembles what English-speaking people might term "influence", although some authors distinguish "influence" as a means by which power is used.[2]

Much of the recent sociological debate about power revolves around the issue of its means to enable – in other words, power as a means to make social actions possible as much as it may constrain or prevent them. The philosopher Michel Foucault saw power as a structural expression of "a complex strategic situation in a given social setting"[3] that requires both constraint and enablement.

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar, do you think I have written anything so far, that could make me vulnerable? I mean the tone of it. I will go back and try to read it through her eyes. Yuck.

I feel so sorry for her. Just like Serenity with her sister. Often, I think she was unfairly targeted by me....as a teen and as an adult...because she was a safer and less ambivalent target than my mother.

After all I needed my Mother. I still do. My sister felt expendable. How sad for us.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

"Through work to bring materials from women's studies into the rest of the curriculum, I have often noticed men's unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged." Peggy McIntosh

My sister sees it as entitled. So did my Mother.

 

[Copabanana]

Well, in looking for emails from my sister, I found this painful exchange. They kind of speak for themselves. Still hurts.

Dear Sister

There will be a very short, simple acknowledgement of Mama's death on Friday night with the small Jewish congregation here in xxx and the Rabbi that comes here. I am sorry for the late notice but it was just confirmed. Should you want to attend, let me know, and I will help with arrangements.

COPA


Dear COPA (insert please my real name here)


Thank you for letting me know about the service. And thank you for taking care of mom in her last illness.

It’s impossible for me to forget that the last time I saw you, at the hospital in LA, you said it had to be either you or me taking care of mom, not the both of us. Unfortunately, mom then had to choose between the two of us and she choose you. And I have had to learn to live with the decision that both of you made. We will do our own service for mom.

Best,

Sister
___

I am struck by how well it fits into the theme of this thread.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, that was a guilt ridden e-mail.

How ridiculous. If you could have gotten along, Sis, you could have both taken care of her. But she made it impossible for you two to get along. She is so competitive.

It always blows my mind at what lengths grown kids, myself included, go through to make mom love us. And how it hurts when they don't.

My sister did damage control to reconcile with brother (GC) probably for our Mother. Without doing that, it would have made Mother unhappy and if Mama ain't happy she ain't gonna be happy with YOU. She also must have in some way kissed her buttocks to get in good with her, but again I don't know for sure what did it. Personality disordered people hate you one minute/love you the next/can turn on you either way. There was no way I'd kowtow to my mother's misguided wishes, especially against my own kids, so it wasn't going to happen with me.

My sister is more of a people pleaser, except for me, of course. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around her sending a minion here to take up for her, but that's her being passive aggressive. Also, I re-read the thread and it was about her boyfriend. Major trigger for her to go off on. I feel kind of sad that she got divorced to find true love and this is what she got and wants.

I have a whole e-mail conversation, the last one, between me and Sis where she attempts to bait me over and over again I don't take the bait. I will not post that here though. But, man, she tried everything.

The good part of what happened with my Sis is that it did not bother me much. I think it bothered you two more than me...lol. I'm used to it and have been over her for a long time. You guys were shocked, but I wasn't. She needs to control me and many times she HAS by calling the cops. But I'm not breaking the law and frankly nobody knows who she is or who I am. I'm not sure why she thinks they do. But because she can't stop me from healing here by calling the cops or telling my Dad, she got a minion in here to bash me who made it quite obvious that she is in touch with Sis. Or else it WAS Sis.

Whatever. If she stayed out of my life, as she says she wants to do, then I wouldn't think about her, but she won't stay out of my life. She never does stay out of my life.

Well, just got back from a fun time at the carnival. Now Jumper is outside getting out of her car and this is going-back-to-college time, but she says she'll be back in two weeks. We are planning to go down to Chicago and bring her boyfriend with us. That should be fun. Maybe I won't cry today when she leaves, but I think I will still cry...

I always cry when I have to leave one of my kids.

 

[Copabanana]

That should be fun. Maybe I won't cry today when she leaves, b ut I think I will still cry...

I always cry when I have to leave one of my kids.

They are tears of love. Good tears.

The think is Serenity, is everything in that email did not happen. It never occurred. It is all a product of her imagination.

All I said was XX is outside of the room talking to the doctor. I think I should go and participate because they may be discussing important things that I should know too. (I saw her outside the glass window in the door. My nieces were inside the room and must have told their mother later.

My sister, instead of taking to my mother's doctor inside the room in front of my mother and I, waited until the doctor left the room and spoke to her outside the room where we would not hear her.

What I did not know at the time but would find out after is that my mother had asked her the day before to not intrude in her medical care. My sister agreed she would not.

When my sister re-entered the room, my Mother then said: You promised xx not to intrude in my medical care. I ask you again, please. Do not take control over my medical care. COPA and I have arranged that I go to Rehab. I do not want that or anything else about my care disrupted.

And that my sister interpreted in the way she did.

I put that email here because we are trying to understand our sisters and how their actions toward us can illustrate, make clear how we had to distort ourselves to accommodate their interpretations of our families and us, limited as they were. As were ours.

It is toward that end I included the email. I was hoping I could find the one where she wanted me to buy my mother's things from her, but I could not. Probably for the best.

I am glad, Serenity, you had such a lovely day.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I am struck re-reading the email from my sister (painfully), the similarities to Daphne. She is either completely unhinged or she is lying to inflict the maximum pain.

Not one word is true.

You both know me by now that I am not in the slightest bit assertive. That I abhor conflict...and run from it...unless I am a bystander who can watch from under the bed. Or I lose my temper with M.

You know I would never have the courage or the desire to insist upon or force my mother to choose.

You know, in fact, my whole adult life I ceded the relationship to my sister. And allowed her to have first, second and third dibs. My relationship with my mother existed only on the margins.

Still, I cannot understand this email. She knows as well as anybody else, what my personality is, what my role in the family has been and was. She knows that none of this happened. What is her win?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

In our sisters' grandiosity they tell each of us what we should not do or be. Or not do or be. By each of the things they grasp and hoard, they indicate to us what we cannot have. Because it is theirs. So this is why I compulsively shop on the internet. Buying things I never wanted or needed or ever will need. Because I am trying to get something...blindly...even that which I do not want. Perhaps especially that which I do not want. As a punishment for wanting anything at all. I am punishing myself for wanting anything by buying what I do not need...sometimes I do not even open the packages. I am trying to fill the empty loneliness and want within me that feels I cannot ever be filled by anything good....How is it that this still persists??? And why???

Could it be that you are proving to yourself that you can provide enough, and more than enough, for yourself by yourself? Not a punishment, but a proving. As we heal, as we come to realize the dynamic to which we respond and trace this or that vulnerability to its core we will heal it. We couldn't do that without right witness because we cannot see where our thinking tumbles into FOO role justifications.

We re-traumatize ourselves.

That is the danger in doing this alone: retraumatization; retelling the same story because, in its familiarity, it feels like we've arrived at some truth that was always true. How totally cool that we are coming to see it was nothing but a fabric of lies from the beginning!

Ha!

Good for us.

And yes, a huge thank you to Daphne. Our healing, our coming whole and healthy, is a matter of determined choice for us. Even Daphne's actions, taken to hurt one of us, serves all of our healing.

So, that is next. Our blog. A book. Several books. (I always thought that would be my destiny. When I was writing my dissertation, I loved it so much, the process, I would actually plan how many books I might have time to write in my life. 25 years later. Zero.) The new Big City. M. I love and respect him so much. He respects and loves me so much. There is confidence there, in one another.

If you like, and if Serenity likes, we could serve as first draft and revision readers for one another, Copa.

:O)

Authoritarian Personality

I think grandiosity-addicted would be more appropriate for my mom and my sister. I say that because of the circle of awe/patronization from which they seem to function. Think of your best teacher. The rules are the rules, and there are valid reasons for them. Over time, you trust the teacher because you are learning the material you set out to know. A sense of mastery, or a sense that mastery is possible, ensues.

Both rise, student and instructor engaged in kind of celebration of learning and teaching and trust on both parts.

Think of your worst teacher. Nothing is clear, responsibility is placed on the student, there is a feeling of trickiness to all of it. One is never sure she has mastered the subject.

That would be grandiosity in the instructor. It has to do with a lack of sincerity.
The student is less than.

This is true for dance or martial arts classes, too.

There was an element of torture there, and sadism.

The threat of exposure. The threat of ruination of safety, made to stop the healing. In the closed universe of the dysfunctional family, that is how it always works and we always take the blame. And we begin to circle, because we can never understand how it all turned so ugly. That is the role expectation. That is the habitual response lest the witch mother hurt us or the sib.

But just this one time, guess who got exposed, instead?

:O)

Daphne enjoys inflicting pain and humiliation on her victim. I believe my sister may have an element of this. I fear. I am so, so sorry for us. Daphne acted against each of us. To frighten us. To make us feel unsafe and watched. How horrible to live as she does.

We are claiming what is already ours; what was always ours.

Ourselves.

What we do here has nothing to do with our sisters except incidentally.

We are coming out of the role and into the real.

Literally, they will come not to matter. We will have learned them. Curiosity about them will be gone.

It is not really our business that our dorky sisters insist on being Witch Mother and expect us to listen. They are free to expect whatever they like. They are not even our mothers. At least, our moms were mentally ill or some other really bad thing that they probably wish with all their hearts they could have been better than. Our sisters are frauds. They have no more right to insist we accede to FOO role playing than any grandiosity-addicted jerk we are not related to. It isn't like we need them. We needed to protect them.

That is a very different thing.

Vulnerability to them will be dissipating shortly.

They are part of our stories now like an appendix or tonsil or something. Or like the sequel to Gone With the Wind. A disappointment; not worth reading twice.

We never did need them; they never did matter because they were never the sisters we loved. There was so little that was real, in our families of origin. it just is what it is. I am grateful to have come this far in my healing.

All those things we thought we believed about our sisters were parts of the role we were enslaved into.

That fear feeling; that automaton feeling.

Once they are gone from our psyches, we will reclaim ourselves from the dictates of whatever roles, having to do with them, that we were enslaved into.

And they will just be gone.

Ahhh....




There will be other role enslavements, having to do with other things. Having realized this business of role enslavement, we will have easier times identifying those other role enslavements.

We will address those too.

That's the thing, Copa. I am seeing the nuts and bolts of the pathology of the role I was enslaved within.

I feel so badly for me.

I feel nothing for my sister.

Maybe Copa, I never did feel anything for her but "protect".

I don't know.

I just don't feel that sense of loss I felt, once, when I think about her.

It's like when the battery burns out and there is just a dry click.

And now I am thinking of my sister. The pregnant silence. I am having twins. The intent is the same. To retreat in shame to my corner. Not enough. Not right. Not worthy.

Oh that biatch. She had to know you were planning to adopt at some point. She must have savored her response, and your pain, and your confusion over her rejection, over her refusal to share the joy of motherhood with you.

What an extraordinary thing.

And your mother, creating a scene about the baby, when you fell. For heaven's sake. That is what babies do. They run away, they poop their pants, they eat the strangest things the second you aren't looking.

But those feelings you felt then Copa? That was the role; that is the flavor of your enslavement. Can you trace those feelings to explore the parameters of the role? How far does it reach, that particular set of conditioned responses.

This is a tool for healing, Copa.

You must be ready to heal it, or it would not be coming up, now.

Because we are meant to by the oppressors. We are the missing signifiers that carry the shame. They insist on being the signifiers that carry the sentence. That carry the dominant meaning. But the thing is sometimes it is the missing signifier that has the power. That is why they have to kill us off. (I know this does not make sense. But it make sense to me. I will get there so that I can explain it better.)

I hear you here, Copa.

It takes two to commit murder. Otherwise, it would be suicide.

And their fascination with us. Because as long as we live, they will be enslaved. Not us.

Well, theirs is, and continues to be, a choice to hate. There was an excellent quote in the material you posted on racism, about hate needing to be serviced continually lest it fizzle out on its own.

That is where they choose in the present day.

They know.

It was never a question of clumsiness or even blatant stupidity.

They know. Serenity's sister knows why she does it. She must have been riding exceedingly high in her supposed cleverness at having someone else post to Serenity here. We are not role enslaved to Serenity's sister.

Bad move, on Daphne's part.

:O)

Serenity handled the sister's attempt at re-traumatization with grace.

You really did so well, Serenity.

We are, Copa and I, proud and happy for you.

There is something here about killing out a family line, that should be expunged. (While I never reproduced biologically, I did reproduce culturally...the culture of Copa...which is as different from that of my sister as can be....) There is the sense here not only that we should be silenced or marginalized or discredited or blanketed but to be killed off. Like Eugenics.

Remember what my sister did to daughter. Daughter paid her back, in kind and in spades.

I actually know all that damaging information about sister, too.

I'm just saying.

Fanon uses the term "ghosts" to refer to the same thing. And claims that when the ghosts empower themselves they are unstoppable.

That makes sense, Copa. Think of the conflict, and of the energy required, to pop ourselves into automaton to fulfill a role into which we were enslaved in childhood. Automaton is probably where we had to put ourselves so we didn't decide to play a game of murder instead of suicide, ourselves. In a way, that is the game the sisters play: Either way? We are the dead guy.

I hate when that happens.

Sadists do. Daphne is punishing Serenity for leaving her. Because in her heart she knows she is nothing without her. She is missing a piece of herself, that it seems she will never find. She could, if she saw the brokenness in herself. As each of us has had to do.

You could be right. I think they do not have even that much insight. Bullies seldom do; grandiosity addicts, never.

Sister was on a grandiosity jones. (That's drug addict talk. I heard it on TV.)

Their sense of self, their power and efficacy was always contingent from the beginning on us.

You are kinder than me, Copa. I think my sister hates me, hates the very idea of me. Pathologic hatred, like racists hate.

I see what you are saying about their senses of power and efficacy being contingent on us. I think they do not believe we love them. I think they believe we are lying when we say so, like they lie to us. I think they believe we hate them, too. We can only see in others what we first see, in ourselves.

And for my sister for sure, there is no love there, Copa.

There never was.

Pseudo mom. That is who I am, to my sister.

I don't blame her for hating me. I wish she could have known me; wish I could have known her. Like in the Frankenstein quote: Once I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form....

That is what happened, to us.

They hate us not because they hate us.They hate us because we left...and they feel we left carrying a piece of them...that they need. They need us. We do not need them. They hate that. That is part of Daphne's rage.

I will think about this, Copa.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Still, I cannot understand this email. She knows as well as anybody else, what my personality is, what my role in the family has been and was. She knows that none of this happened. What is her win?

Maybe she is gaslighting you?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Still, I cannot understand this email. She knows as well as anybody else, what my personality is, what my role in the family has been and was. She knows that none of this happened. What is her win?

My sister (and my mom, too) tell lies. I don't know whether they believe them, but I suspect they know they are lying. That is probably why my sister tapes all her conversations: She has to keep her stories straight. Here is an example: My father's final illness (a stroke) occurred in the state where sister lives. She lied like a rug about things, one fact conflicting another and etc. D H was on the phone with her and confronted her about the conflicting information. She hung up on D H. In talking to my brother, who knew even less than we did, we mentioned the difficulty getting accurate information and noted sister had hung up on D H. When we next talked to brother?

Sister had made a point of telling brother how rude D H had been, how sweetly she tried to inform him, and that D H had hung up on her.

Isn't that something.

So, your sister may or may not believe herself Copa? But if she is anything like my sister, she switches facts around with impunity.

So does my mom.

Together?

They have created a very nice reality which involves their perfection, D H rottenness, our impending poverty, the crumminess of where we live, I don't know what else. They even describe it to me. Like I am not the person whose reality it is.

Are you able to examine the role enslavement awakened by the emails, Copa?

It helps me very much to have D H confirm for me what he saw or heard, what the interaction felt like, whether I seemed vindictive or angry or whether I am fooling myself about my part in how everything fell apart.

D H will come away from these conversations more angry than me.

He says he was muzzled, and allowed my family to treat him in ways he would never have allowed, for my sake.

So, that helps me to know what was true.

If it were me Copa, I would assume the sister were lying and who cares why. She was justifying her rage at your involvement. Remember my sister's dancing around the kitchen in her joy that her parents were visiting.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

So, your sister may or may not believe herself Copa? But if she is anything like my sister, she switches facts around with impunity.

So does my mom.

Must be the hallmark of a dysfunctional family. My famaily is worse. They think that their own facts about me are true when they weren't even there most of the time. When I hear my mother's take on things, it always boggles my mind. It is always something she decides to perceive as negative and it is almost always not true.

There is a big battle for the White Hat and badge of honor in dysfunctional FOO.

 

[BusynMember]

If it were me Copa, I would assume the sister were lying and who cares why.

She is lying to make you the bad guy, in my opinion.