Why does my adult daughter dislike me?

[viviana]

I am brand new on here. My daughter is 42 years old. It seems like every time I am with her, her 16-year-old son starts trouble. He seems to like it when we argue, because then he has her all to himself. When she was on drugs, she would rage and I was called every name in the book. She has been off of meth for four years and tells everyone she's clean, but she is using vodka quite often, probably more than I think. Almost 2 weeks ago, we went to the show together. I asked her son do not pick us the seats up front. By the time I hobbled in, she and her son were sitting in the front row. She told me and my granddaughter we could sit somewhere else if we didn't like it. I replied that I only came to the show to be with them as a family. They finally moved if you were both up, but she was angry and said she was done with me. She started screaming at me in the theater. Fortunately, no one else was there yet. She said there raging and then threw her nachos across three rows of seats, getting cheese everywhere. A cleanup crew had to come out and my granddaughter took the blame, by saying she had tripped. After a while,she had calmed down and after the show, I took them all to dinner, as I had promised. I apologized, as always. She acted like everything was fine. Well, that was ten days ago and she hasn't texted me or bothered to see if I'm alive or not. I live alone and fall often. She has done this before and I always have to be the one crawling back to her, because obviously she would rather be without me in her life. She has always been so special to me. I don't know if the meth changed her brain or if she is just staying loot from vodka. I hate to think that she really hates me. I feel like my heart is broken. I have always been there for her and even sold my home in another state to come here so that she would have a place to go when she left her abusive husband. She and her son lived with me, rent free, for a year and a half. I bought everything for them and put $1400 on a credit card to get her an attorney, for her divorce. Nothing I have ever done is good enough for her if she never seems to appreciate it. last night, I went to an al-Anon meeting and heard similar stories to mine. No, I have not texted her or called her. For once, I didn't want to be the one begging for a relationship. It is hard to have your own life when you are almost 70 years old and your family is limited. I'm way past the dating scene and I am pretty reclusive, due to PTSD. She knows this. She knows she's hurting me and she doesn't seem to give a rip. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I am tired of being her doormat and letting her son manipulate her and acting like an eight-year-old. Thanks for letting me share.

I am going through things like that. Excuse my english, i am from South América. I haven´t read all the posts in here, but i´m going to. I am going to 12 steps meetings for NA familys, but it´s not the same. Not every drug addict are agressive towards the mother. My only son is 35, i am 58. I will talk more later.

 

[Copabanana]

I am going through things like that.

viviana. Hola. Why not start your own new thread? Just click parents emeritus above and you will see a blue button at the top that says new thread. Enter a title and write your post in the box. Runaway Bunny is the site administrator. She can help you. You can write to her by going to inbox above. I will look for your new thread. Welcome.

I am worried that nobody will see your post here.

 

[runawaybunny]

Welcome @viviana

@Copabanana offered you some good advice. You will get more response if you start your own thread. To get you started I split your post off into its own thread. Hopefully others will come along and offer you their support.

 

[Copabanana]

Viviana. Hi again. Each of our stories is different but the same. Many, many mothers are rejected by their children. I did not talk to my own mother for many years and suffered greatly for it as she died and after. I did not use drugs nor was I violent.

There could be millions of reasons for distance between mother and daughter. In my case, I did not know how to be in a relationship with my mother either where I did not feel my spirit was crushed or guilty and responsible for everything. At the end of the day this was about my weakness, not my mother's.

What my mother did was to make a great life, independent of her children. Of course it angered and hurt her. Was the way I handled it, what I would do if I could go back? No. Of course not. In our case we worked our relationship out as best we could and in the 20 years of my mother's life we were close friends.

I do hope you keep posting. There is a lot to learn, and posting is a good way to understand who you are and what you need. The solutions are in us, not our kids. That is what I have learned. Take care.

PS Your English is great.

 

[BusynMember]

Is this about your son? Is he a drug abuser?

 

[Jammie]

My son, who was adopted at birth, was a perfectly sweet child until about the age of ten when he turned in to someone I no longer knew. He lied, stole from me and family, sneaked out, refused to do homework, hung out with the worst kids he could find and generally made my life miserable. I took him for therapy and spent a fortune on special teachers, etc. Nothing I tried helped one bit. We went from one war to another all thru his teens. He got picked up for shoplifting when he was 16 and we had to get him out of jail. I had to drag him thru high school and he barely graduated. His grades were too poor for college so we tried to get him interested in a technical school. He dropped out and then went from one minimum wage job to another. He kept getting fired because of his belligerent attitude and problems with authority. Finally at age 20, he calls me and says "Guess what, Mom? You're going to be a grandmother!". He had no job and his pregnant girlfriend was 17 and still in high school. So then I was mostly supporting them after that. A second baby came along and then a third. He was working by then and finally married the girl with my encouragement. I babysat three children under four every weekend so we could cut down on child care costs plus I was still providing half their living expenses. Over the years, my son gradually became colder and colder. He never called to check on me and I never heard from him on Mother's Day. He was drinking heavily over the years but was doing well in his job and taking care of his family. He struggled with severe depression since his teens but refused to get help for it. I would call him every couple of weeks to see how everyone was and would visit every few weeks, always calling first. The last time I visited, he seemed very down and was not doing well financially. I had a little extra so I gave him a check for $5000 and he seemed to appreciate it. He was not feeling well and had spit up some bright blood and I encouraged him to see a doctor. I text him a few days later to see how he was doing and he pretty much told me to buzz off like I was annoying him. His cold rudeness like I was a nosy stranger instead of his mother just finally finished it for me. I helped him get on his feet as best I could, saw him thru his wife's infidelities, helped raise his children, took them on vacation and literally spent half of what I made on him and his family for the last twenty years and he treats me like a stranger. I told him he knew how to find me, that I loved him but any future contact would have to be initiated by him, and that I was done. Haven't heard from him since. He is 44 and I am nearly 70. I feel your pain and I know exactly what you have been through. I am so sorry.
Jammie