Will he ever hit rock bottom

[joysheph]

I had to work this Easter, as I'm pulling into my driveway there sits my missing son on my porch. For months I've been fearing the worse of what ifs. My mind racing with the unimaginable thoughts, my heart filled with guilt. There he sits. I wanted to smile and hug him so tight but I could not. Why? I sat next to him and listen to him ramble on of nothing of importance. Nothing about his plans for his future. Nothing about him getting a job.Instead I am listening to him ramble about zodiac signs, when Bush was president, to why we aren't celebrating Easter with the other family. To how he can only take his bipolar medications when he's outside not around people to how he don't need them. When I asked if he's using or cycling from mania he says he's clean he don't need drug treatment he just needs to be free! My gut tells me he's using my heart says he's in a manic phase. When I asked if he needed to go back to the psychiatric Hospital he says he don't need that. When asked if he has shelter he says he is staying with a friend who has no plumbing or electric. He says he is fine and let's go do Easter. I busted out without thinking, I can't bring you around the little kids if I feel that your using drugs or not taking your medications for their safety. So I gave him $5 and dropped him off at a corner store. I felt so guilty and sick to my stomach it was hard to enjoy the company. As we are driving home we seen him sitting under a bridge about a mile from our house!
I can't remember who posted this about driving pass her son every morning before work seeing him homeless and helpless but kept driving. Well that post came to mind as I told my husband to keep driving. I don't know if I'm being to harsh with my boundaries or what? But my gut says I'm not but my heart feels that I am! This is so sickening. When will he hit his rock bottom? Will he ever? Why would he want to be like this? Is it his mental illness or dug addiction or both? I'm so Fed up that I want to just run away and not be found!

 

[Bart]

My heart hurts for you. This is just gut wretching!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hugs Joy,

What you faced is really tough. I have no idea what I might have done...and who would unless they were faced with the same.

Others will log in with wiser words.

As horrible as "bottom" is, i totally understand you wanting your son to hit it and start making the effort to climb back out.

What can you possibly do for him until he does?

More hugs. Please stay with us. The collective wisdom/experience of this forum will go a long way toward helping you know how you can deal with this.

SS

 

[Teriobe]

God i remember when my son was homeless. It hurts. My prayers are with you for peace

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry this happened. Your son is homeless but not helpless. He can choose to take his bipolar medication and stop using drugs.

You are the one who is helpless because you want to help him, but you can't. You can't make him take care of himself. Only he can do that. Yes, you love him and it's hard to see. But he could not talk you into being homeless and not addressing your own issues or takin street drugs...And you can't talk him into anything either, even if you feel it is best for him. He does seem like he could be manic, but he obviously is not being diligent with his prescribed bipolar medication and who knows if the street drugs are contributing to this mania?

Rock bottom,? It is different for everyone. Some don't hit it, it seems. Others do after we gave up thinking it would ever happen. There is no answer. Hopefully soon.

Again I am so very sorry. Remember that there is one important person you can control...Yourself. Be good to yourself and remember that your son is doing this to himself. You are blameless. And kind. You deserve to live a good life, even if your adult son is struggling.

 

[february]

Take care of yourself and pray that god Will work in his life. Sometimes is out of our control.

 

[pigless in VA]

I'm so sorry, Joy. I think if you were talking to him and knew something was wrong, that you were right to listen to your gut. It isn't up to you to figure out if it is untreated mental illness or drug use. For me, they are so similar as to be the same. I wouldn't have wanted him around the children either. I think putting the children's needs above his was wise. I know it was a hard choice. Maybe this boundary that you drew for him will be a the motivation for him to change. Warm hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[joysheph]

Thanks I am really glad I can turn to this site when I am feeling helpless and guilt. I feel like I've exhausted with this trauma with the people around me. I know they don't understand cause they aren't going thru this with their adult children. At times I feel envy at them. When they ask questions I want to say all is good and quickly change the subject. It's useless to even express to the ones who don't get it but have full of advice. I ask what would you? Then I say you don't know until it's your own child who is loss and you lose your sanity from worries. So I just don't have anyone who really truly gets what I am going through. Thank you for the replies it means the world to me.

 

[Tanya M]

You did all you could. I know how hard it must have been for you but really, you did all you could. I too have listened to my son ramble on and on about nothing and everything. It always would amaze me how he could be such an "expert" on everything but managing his own life.

You are doing great. I know it may not feel like it but you are going in the right direction. You are doing your best to detach. Please know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Remember, you are coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)

hang in there!!