Will Kicking my addict son out of my home solve the problem ?

Exhaustedmom

New Member
It's been whole week now since my son is being kicked out from home, first couple of days were very difficult for me, all the time was think about him same like " momseekingadvice". But now I start feeling better. Thanks all of you who support me.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
MSA---what you are feeling is a natural feeling---it is what we enablers feel when our precious adult children are self-destructing. I don't know the details of your story but here are a few thoughts.

I used to feel that way too, and I would just go to bed and cry, sometimes sleep, and sometimes lie there staring at the wall. If his life couldn't move forward, then mine couldn't either.

My every waking moment, even while I was functioning, had him running in the background. Like background music. It never turned off.

And I did it all trying to "help" him. There was literally no rock I didn't turn over---for him---trying to find a solution.

As Melody Beattie says in CoDependent No More (page 72 in the paperback book): "People say codependents are controllers. We nag, lecture, scream, holler, cry, beg, bribe, coerce, hover over, protect, accuse, chase after, run away from....(skipping over to some other descriptors).....demonstrate how much we've been hurt, hurt people in return so they'll know how it feels....whip power plays on.....whine, act helpless, do sneaky little things, do sneaky big things...enlist the aid of supporters, bargain with, drag to counseling, talk mean about, insult, condemn, pray for miracles, pay for miracles....supervise, dictate, command.....stay home and wait for, go out and look for, call all over looking for....drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see, chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch....bring home, keep home, lock out, move away from, move with, scold.....set straight, insist, give in to, placate, provoke....remind, inquire, hint, look through pockets, peek in wallets, search dresser drawers....look into the future, call relatives about, reason with, reward, settle issues once and for all, settle them again, almost give up on, then try even harder...." ....."We aren't the people who make things happen. Codependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen."

Beattie nails it throughout the whole book MSA. She describes exactly what I have done over the years to "try to get my son straight." All with good intentions. All out of love. All wanting the best for him.

All wrong.

Today, after 11 years of sighing, rolling my eyes, (all of the actions above plus more), I finally have gotten it.

None of this will EVER work. It hasn't ever worked for me. It hasn't ever worked for anybody else.

What more evidence could I possibly need in order to work for change in my own self?

And just let my son do whatever it is he is going to do. Because MSA----HE IS GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

That is what I started getting, little by little, at first just glimpses of "well what if they are right about him and about me?" Because at first, MSA, when I started going to Al-Anon and listening to all of these stories and all of these well-meaning people doing the same things I was doing, and it wasn't working for them either, I just thought: Well my situation is different. My son is different. I am different.

But I was wrong. It took me time to see that (I evidently am a slow learner, MSA, lol).

Today I am 100 percent convinced of this truth: I cannot change another person, place or thing.

Oh, MSA, I'll still try to from time to time because old habits die hard.

And really at the root of it all, I didn't want to look at myself and see what character flaws and defects I have that I need to work on. Because after all, I was the long-suffering "good" person. I didn't do drugs, I didn't steal, I didn't get pass-out drunk---that's what the "bad" people did. I just swept up after them and tried to hold it all together---doing the "right" things for everybody.

Wrong. Wrong again.

I have just as much stuff to work on as any hard-core drug addict ever did or does.

And when I started getting honest and working a program myself, and using the tools available to me---I started to change and then I was able to stop enabling more and more and more and more.

I will always struggle with my disease of enabling and I will relapse. It's part of the disease.

But I am so much happier today, MSA, even as my 24 year old son right now, today, is out there somewhere on the street. I don't know where he is.

There is happiness out there for all of us if we will work for it. Work hard, because it is the hardest work of life, I believe.

And the most beneficial for all.

Blessings and peace and strength for you today.
 

Exhaustedmom

New Member
Yes COM mother its true as you mention , I was having same problems with me, my son was controling all of my fimily life for a period of time, every time when he gave us tension I got depressed my girls feel unsafe, my relationship with my husband is over, I was at point where I totally forgot my self, it was long time that I really feel happiness inside me , I forget when was the last time I laughed , or groom myself ,socially disconnected with society, avoiding peoples and friends.
Feeling guilty thinking about this is my fault some where in my parenthood.
Crying, praying, looking for help, feeling helpless, alone list go very long , but all that feeling and my love toward my son is just like I was punishing myself for something which I never did.
But then when I was totally broken ,God help me . Some really very strong mothers on this forum help me with personal experience byadvising me,
Now I do not feel alone or failed or miserable. I feel strong now, more than ever. It was very hard for me to take a decision to kick him out from my home, was scared ,where will he go ,what will he do in this weather, can be involved in criminal activity , so many fear keep me away making that decision. But he left no choice for me.
And then I did kick him out from home.
Since he left , first it was really hard for couple of days but I start seeing things clearly, My family is broken not because of me but because of him, we were use to be a very happy family long time before. Family dinner was always full of excitement and there was laughter. We prepare food together and was always fun, every bodies birthdays were use to be special event, we start planning to surprise long before the day, but those days are gone longtime , since he is on drugs we start struggling with him , slowly slowly unwillingly this family is not a happy family any more, my husband and me start arguing each other blaming each other , that effect on my daughters too. But the person who was responsible (my son) never take responsibility of this, and he too was blaming us.
It was long time ago my husband reach at this point that we have to kick him out of the house or nothing will left,
But it was me who was not looking at the picture from this point of view. And always hoping for better, that he will might be return, result ! My husband left me with a note saying "either he will stay in home or my son".
After my husband left I deal bigger problems like my son starting abusing us verbally, knowing that no body is here to protect us, asking for money, if I did not give him breaking the stuff in home smashing doors and walls etc. Finally i call police and he is out some where. Its being a whole week now.Since I have start seeing things clearly I feel no guilt , no pain . I am trying to not to think about him. And I start pampering myself. First time I feel myself as being I am , not as what was not, yes it is very very hard to bring yourself back in to life but not impossible.
I realise that just kicking him out not only from my home but from my life will bring back my family together and we will laugh will have fun and have our family dinner together, just he wont be with us .
It was just my first step to kicking him out from my home to bring that happy life back, I have to take further more steps to repair the damage my son did to us
I am just praying to my God ,give me that power, and help me
I just want to say thank you from my deepest heart to all of you who read my post and advise me , showed me the light , the courage and the life.




 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
Reading your comments makes me so proud of you. In time you will loook back over yours posts and see the transformation from being very scared and feeling responsible to taking charge of your life and letting go of the guilt. This is his problem, his journey to go on. You can't go with him. There will be a lot more heartache for him before he hopefully decides to change the course of his life. But in the meantime you are making a life for yourself and your daughters. Bravo!!!

None of us who have had to ask their children to leave did it willingly or without pain. But we did it knowing it was the only alternative left. It is good to see the progress you have made.
 

Lee Martin

New Member
MSA---what you are feeling is a natural feeling---it is what we enablers feel when our precious adult children are self-destructing. I don't know the details of your story but here are a few thoughts.

I used to feel that way too, and I would just go to bed and cry, sometimes sleep, and sometimes lie there staring at the wall. If his life couldn't move forward, then mine couldn't either.

My every waking moment, even while I was functioning, had him running in the background. Like background music. It never turned off.

And I did it all trying to "help" him. There was literally no rock I didn't turn over---for him---trying to find a solution.

As Melody Beattie says in CoDependent No More (page 72 in the paperback book): "People say codependents are controllers. We nag, lecture, scream, holler, cry, beg, bribe, coerce, hover over, protect, accuse, chase after, run away from....(skipping over to some other descriptors).....demonstrate how much we've been hurt, hurt people in return so they'll know how it feels....whip power plays on.....whine, act helpless, do sneaky little things, do sneaky big things...enlist the aid of supporters, bargain with, drag to counseling, talk mean about, insult, condemn, pray for miracles, pay for miracles....supervise, dictate, command.....stay home and wait for, go out and look for, call all over looking for....drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see, chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch....bring home, keep home, lock out, move away from, move with, scold.....set straight, insist, give in to, placate, provoke....remind, inquire, hint, look through pockets, peek in wallets, search dresser drawers....look into the future, call relatives about, reason with, reward, settle issues once and for all, settle them again, almost give up on, then try even harder...." ....."We aren't the people who make things happen. Codependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen."

Beattie nails it throughout the whole book MSA. She describes exactly what I have done over the years to "try to get my son straight." All with good intentions. All out of love. All wanting the best for him.

All wrong.

Today, after 11 years of sighing, rolling my eyes, (all of the actions above plus more), I finally have gotten it.

None of this will EVER work. It hasn't ever worked for me. It hasn't ever worked for anybody else.

What more evidence could I possibly need in order to work for change in my own self?

And just let my son do whatever it is he is going to do. Because MSA----HE IS GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

That is what I started getting, little by little, at first just glimpses of "well what if they are right about him and about me?" Because at first, MSA, when I started going to Al-Anon and listening to all of these stories and all of these well-meaning people doing the same things I was doing, and it wasn't working for them either, I just thought: Well my situation is different. My son is different. I am different.

But I was wrong. It took me time to see that (I evidently am a slow learner, MSA, lol).

Today I am 100 percent convinced of this truth: I cannot change another person, place or thing.

Oh, MSA, I'll still try to from time to time because old habits die hard.

And really at the root of it all, I didn't want to look at myself and see what character flaws and defects I have that I need to work on. Because after all, I was the long-suffering "good" person. I didn't do drugs, I didn't steal, I didn't get pass-out drunk---that's what the "bad" people did. I just swept up after them and tried to hold it all together---doing the "right" things for everybody.

Wrong. Wrong again.

I have just as much stuff to work on as any hard-core drug addict ever did or does.

And when I started getting honest and working a program myself, and using the tools available to me---I started to change and then I was able to stop enabling more and more and more and more.

I will always struggle with my disease of enabling and I will relapse. It's part of the disease.

But I am so much happier today, MSA, even as my 24 year old son right now, today, is out there somewhere on the street. I don't know where he is.

There is happiness out there for all of us if we will work for it. Work hard, because it is the hardest work of life, I believe.

And the most beneficial for all.

Blessings and peace and strength for you today.
 

Lee Martin

New Member
MSA---what you are feeling is a natural feeling---it is what we enablers feel when our precious adult children are self-destructing. I don't know the details of your story but here are a few thoughts.

I used to feel that way too, and I would just go to bed and cry, sometimes sleep, and sometimes lie there staring at the wall. If his life couldn't move forward, then mine couldn't either.

My every waking moment, even while I was functioning, had him running in the background. Like background music. It never turned off.

And I did it all trying to "help" him. There was literally no rock I didn't turn over---for him---trying to find a solution.

As Melody Beattie says in CoDependent No More (page 72 in the paperback book): "People say codependents are controllers. We nag, lecture, scream, holler, cry, beg, bribe, coerce, hover over, protect, accuse, chase after, run away from....(skipping over to some other descriptors).....demonstrate how much we've been hurt, hurt people in return so they'll know how it feels....whip power plays on.....whine, act helpless, do sneaky little things, do sneaky big things...enlist the aid of supporters, bargain with, drag to counseling, talk mean about, insult, condemn, pray for miracles, pay for miracles....supervise, dictate, command.....stay home and wait for, go out and look for, call all over looking for....drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see, chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch....bring home, keep home, lock out, move away from, move with, scold.....set straight, insist, give in to, placate, provoke....remind, inquire, hint, look through pockets, peek in wallets, search dresser drawers....look into the future, call relatives about, reason with, reward, settle issues once and for all, settle them again, almost give up on, then try even harder...." ....."We aren't the people who make things happen. Codependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen."

Beattie nails it throughout the whole book MSA. She describes exactly what I have done over the years to "try to get my son straight." All with good intentions. All out of love. All wanting the best for him.

All wrong.

Today, after 11 years of sighing, rolling my eyes, (all of the actions above plus more), I finally have gotten it.

None of this will EVER work. It hasn't ever worked for me. It hasn't ever worked for anybody else.

What more evidence could I possibly need in order to work for change in my own self?

And just let my son do whatever it is he is going to do. Because MSA----HE IS GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

That is what I started getting, little by little, at first just glimpses of "well what if they are right about him and about me?" Because at first, MSA, when I started going to Al-Anon and listening to all of these stories and all of these well-meaning people doing the same things I was doing, and it wasn't working for them either, I just thought: Well my situation is different. My son is different. I am different.

But I was wrong. It took me time to see that (I evidently am a slow learner, MSA, lol).

Today I am 100 percent convinced of this truth: I cannot change another person, place or thing.

Oh, MSA, I'll still try to from time to time because old habits die hard.

And really at the root of it all, I didn't want to look at myself and see what character flaws and defects I have that I need to work on. Because after all, I was the long-suffering "good" person. I didn't do drugs, I didn't steal, I didn't get pass-out drunk---that's what the "bad" people did. I just swept up after them and tried to hold it all together---doing the "right" things for everybody.

Wrong. Wrong again.

I have just as much stuff to work on as any hard-core drug addict ever did or does.

And when I started getting honest and working a program myself, and using the tools available to me---I started to change and then I was able to stop enabling more and more and more and more.

I will always struggle with my disease of enabling and I will relapse. It's part of the disease.

But I am so much happier today, MSA, even as my 24 year old son right now, today, is out there somewhere on the street. I don't know where he is.

There is happiness out there for all of us if we will work for it. Work hard, because it is the hardest work of life, I believe.

And the most beneficial for all.

Blessings and peace and strength for you today.
 

Lee Martin

New Member
I'm a mom of a 41 yr old. Who has been addicted since 15yrs old. It is heartbreaking to see your child walking the streets high, skinny, dirty. Sometimes he would come and say I want help. Of course we would help. He would relape over n over. Sometimes he would be clean for 1 1/2 yrs. Relaspe! 3/2615 he relasped. Kicked out of his home with his sister. Went in to rehaband pprogram for 3mths. Started working,seeing his kids again.One Yr anniversary his family had anniversary party for him. His brother who hadn't spoken to him for yrs was there to show support. 50 family n friends came. This July he relapsed. Said it happens all the time. Well as hard as it is going to be one of our boundaries is if he relapsed again, he will have to leave. 26 yrs (approximately ) is a long time of enabling him. All his siblings are done and worried he might hurt me and my husband. I LOVE him but I'm not helping him.I still see him trying to play the pity. No $$ . No Job. Attitude of if we set boundaries that could make him relapse.
It will be his choice not mine. He know's the consequences of HIS action. Hopefully he will continue with his recovery. Making all his N.A. meetings. Doing 12 steps with his sponsor.
Praying this will be the time. Love to all of you who have shared your stories . This is very hard to deal with as a Mother who desperately Love's her child. Tough love is our next step I have other family members to also think about. Aloha! Mahalo Nui Loa!
 

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
Good morning. Lee, you should change your name for this site to keep it confidential. I completely agree with your advice. The difficult part is seeing your child slowly get worse. I use the word 'hopefully' a lot, too. We have to have hope.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Ah Lee we are glad you are here with us and we are so sorry about your precious son's years of addiction. It sounds like you are ready to do something different. We are here with you and for you. Warm hugs this morning.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Exhausted Mom:

Just read your post now. You have really been through a lot with your son and we have with ours too.

So sad to hear how your family has fallen apart. It is truly so sad what addiction brings into our lives and how it ruins families. It ruins so many lives.

Glad to hear that you are getting stronger. This forum helped me get stronger also and my son has been out of our home since March. He is in treatment in Florida but I don't think he's buying what they are selling but at least our home and our life is peaceful. He will never be able to live with us again or until I see a big change and that hasn't happened yet.

Hugs and healing prayers to you.
:notalone::staystrong::youreright:
 

T Rene'

Member
Yesterday I was googling and find this site. Going through all the post on substance abuse , first time I feel that I am not alone, I read similar story of mine ,same situation , my heart start beating faster, I was crying at that moment. And want to shout and tell my self that I am not alone ,I am not.
My story is almost similar of most of the forum member
My difficult child now 18+ was very good hearted child ,in his kindergarten he was diagnose ADHD, every school year I have to explain a new class teacher that he has AdHD, some teacher might understand some don't . In result teacher parent meeting ,and complain he did this he did that , he is not paying attention ,I give him detention ect.
I remember in his grade 5 his class teacher do realise his problem and he deal him in a very smart way, that year was a golden year for me and of course for him too, no complaint from school he feel himself without guilt free . A happy child who was trying his best in school and when home was doing his core without pushing , result at the school year end, he got award of student of the year, surprise !
But this was very short, next year he got new class teacher and all that meetings ,complains, school detentions were back, now he was little mature,
problem is when you are in so much trouble you are easily bullied too. Not even in school but your neighbourhood too, because they go in same school . Here start the problem ,there was another boy live around neighbourhood, was in same shoe ,
In my difficult child point of view he is cool, he was always in trouble in school but still have lost of friends but i don't . And he start doing some stuff to come closer to that guy .thats how he ends up having drugs first its start with cigarette blunt.
I am an immigrant mother of three, school system here was totally new for me and my English speaking was not that good by that time, every time when school call me of complain, I took the blame on my son and in home take his class why he is doing that whit out realising his situation. My daughter is really very very smart in her study and very helping, when in school same teacher call against her I take a stand a let school know that she cannot do all that stuff you are complaining . Its happened once and no more call from school until this day now she is in high school
I some time blame myself that if I have done all this to my son, like when school complaining why I shouldn't took a stand at that time at least I was a mother and know my son ADHD, why I punish him on something he was not able to deal with.
First time when he got caught was cigaret,he was smoking in his room in the middle of night.when I start giving him a lecture of side effect of this he laugh and straight forward told me that he has gone very far. I still remember that day , it was the beginning of my never ending suffering of pain. He never finish his high school . We stop paying him his allowance due to the fear that he will buy his drugs and he start finding other way to full fill his need he hang around the people whom were doing same stuff but even more dangerous
He was 15 when he start it, the biggest fear was to save my family. You all know that when these children hang around with bad guys and drug dealer how many possibility could be happened. We read every day in news victims , shooting, robbery ect . Life was completely changed , locks every where , fighting , shouting, crying ,relationships with HB on arguments tension tension tension.
when it was beginning I was very hopeful , tried a lot find help for him dr. Consultations, psychiatric help, religion help, rehab , keep him with children aid society

Finally for his sake We moved back to my country in hope that may keeping him away from his contact will help . Where we try no Internet, no phone , but will you imagine it turn out to be more worse . These people are very very smart they find their contact every where with in a minute. Even you left them in a jungle , they will. Now he got a reason that you guys bring me here and destroy my high school year I will do what ever I want.
He became very rude , selfish, very ignorant, very careless , just want to do party and fun ,weed and alcohol,ask for money if did not provide him start yelling, shouting breaking household furniture windows doors everything . My husband kick him off many time he manage to live outside of home couple of days and come back home. I as a mother always support my husband act. Even it's very hard on my heart. We take him at rehab their too. He was not allow to meet me. Or any member of family . For three month he was in that rehab
That rehab choice was my husband and he was the only who was allow to meet him Every time when he met him he told me that my son is doing very well and I always cried in thankful to God that he is helping me . But one day some one told me that in that rehab they chained them and keep them as in jail. That was the weakest moment I have decided to bring him back from that rehab, a month before ,we are back in this country again. And after all these suffering of years we are still on the page one of the story. My husband threatening me that if I did not kick him out from home he will leave me, while on the other side my son start a job in warehouse but spend all his earning on alcohol and weed and parties. Not following house rule. He did registered for night classes to get his high school credit. But I am not sure that will he be attend them or not. My husband strictly want him to get out of home for forever. But I want to keep the doors open for him. At least until he be able to pay his expenses which is in my heart I am not sure my self will it be happened or never. My husband blame me for his condition and that withdraw from rehab stuff . Their is every days argument and fight going between us now. I took all the blame on me . After all I m a mother. No matter what your kids do out side we always blame mother. This what our society made off, right! Easy to blame someone.
I read most off forum members stories almost similar to mine , every body is in agreement to kick them out of house and let them to reach the rock bottom of the life! My husband want that too. But hay that is not a part of solution .
How many of you sleep very well when you kick them out . Non ! Right bcz we all are angry on them in one side but we love them on the other side
We want to keep them but we are angry and we handed them over to society in hope they will learn. Chances are they will learn more bad stuff than good is 95%.
We all know that but we still have no other choice.
We all don't want our addicted children's out. We don't want them to be addicted on first place and we all want them to be responsible. For this we are paying too much.
I remember when he was a child he always want to become a police man .
And I always smile. Was in my full confidence that he will. But now feel that may be I am failed . I look at the past to see where I make mistake in his build up.
Only thing I know is that I love my son a lot. No matter how harsh he treat me .

All this I write here was not that easy ,I was crying when telling you my story
For the first time since I am suffering of all this I find my self relax.
My social life is completely finished I try to avoid meet people's or having friends
Because they don't understand what are we suffering. May be I became too sensitive now or may be this is a reality. After all he is my son. Some time when I see other children of his age going to school finishing studies , why my son is not (cry)
Going thru the same heartaches ! As a mother we do want to fix & protect ... He is a grown man & It will be the hardest job u will ever have to help him now ! Because Its not like helping the lil boy he use to be . This is his life now , he has to take control , if it means him fallen ! My son has slept outside my house because I wld not allow him in bein so drugged out & hateful to me ! Turn his life over to him Because ur husband is absolutely right !! To help him is to Make him Stand on his own ... Gud luck to u ... Ur have been a great Mother from sound of it :) But time to be happy YourSelf
 

jetsam

Active Member
yes it is time to get some of your life back. We all love our children but we cannot live their lives for them. At some point it is their responsibility and when we try to help we just get in the way. He has to want to change ! You wanting it for him is not enough
 

jetsam

Active Member
MSA---what you are feeling is a natural feeling---it is what we enablers feel when our precious adult children are self-destructing. I don't know the details of your story but here are a few thoughts.

I used to feel that way too, and I would just go to bed and cry, sometimes sleep, and sometimes lie there staring at the wall. If his life couldn't move forward, then mine couldn't either.

My every waking moment, even while I was functioning, had him running in the background. Like background music. It never turned off.

And I did it all trying to "help" him. There was literally no rock I didn't turn over---for him---trying to find a solution.

As Melody Beattie says in CoDependent No More (page 72 in the paperback book): "People say codependents are controllers. We nag, lecture, scream, holler, cry, beg, bribe, coerce, hover over, protect, accuse, chase after, run away from....(skipping over to some other descriptors).....demonstrate how much we've been hurt, hurt people in return so they'll know how it feels....whip power plays on.....whine, act helpless, do sneaky little things, do sneaky big things...enlist the aid of supporters, bargain with, drag to counseling, talk mean about, insult, condemn, pray for miracles, pay for miracles....supervise, dictate, command.....stay home and wait for, go out and look for, call all over looking for....drive down dark alleys at night hoping to see, chase down dark alleys at night hoping to catch....bring home, keep home, lock out, move away from, move with, scold.....set straight, insist, give in to, placate, provoke....remind, inquire, hint, look through pockets, peek in wallets, search dresser drawers....look into the future, call relatives about, reason with, reward, settle issues once and for all, settle them again, almost give up on, then try even harder...." ....."We aren't the people who make things happen. Codependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen."

Beattie nails it throughout the whole book MSA. She describes exactly what I have done over the years to "try to get my son straight." All with good intentions. All out of love. All wanting the best for him.

All wrong.

Today, after 11 years of sighing, rolling my eyes, (all of the actions above plus more), I finally have gotten it.

None of this will EVER work. It hasn't ever worked for me. It hasn't ever worked for anybody else.

What more evidence could I possibly need in order to work for change in my own self?

And just let my son do whatever it is he is going to do. Because MSA----HE IS GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY.

That is what I started getting, little by little, at first just glimpses of "well what if they are right about him and about me?" Because at first, MSA, when I started going to Al-Anon and listening to all of these stories and all of these well-meaning people doing the same things I was doing, and it wasn't working for them either, I just thought: Well my situation is different. My son is different. I am different.

But I was wrong. It took me time to see that (I evidently am a slow learner, MSA, lol).

Today I am 100 percent convinced of this truth: I cannot change another person, place or thing.

Oh, MSA, I'll still try to from time to time because old habits die hard.

And really at the root of it all, I didn't want to look at myself and see what character flaws and defects I have that I need to work on. Because after all, I was the long-suffering "good" person. I didn't do drugs, I didn't steal, I didn't get pass-out drunk---that's what the "bad" people did. I just swept up after them and tried to hold it all together---doing the "right" things for everybody.

Wrong. Wrong again.

I have just as much stuff to work on as any hard-core drug addict ever did or does.

And when I started getting honest and working a program myself, and using the tools available to me---I started to change and then I was able to stop enabling more and more and more and more.

I will always struggle with my disease of enabling and I will relapse. It's part of the disease.

But I am so much happier today, MSA, even as my 24 year old son right now, today, is out there somewhere on the street. I don't know where he is.

There is happiness out there for all of us if we will work for it. Work hard, because it is the hardest work of life, I believe.

And the most beneficial for all.

Blessings and peace and strength for you today.
when i read your post it could have been me. yes i am an enabler. I am slowly starting to see myself and don't like me very much! I will continue to reread your post in the hope that it will finally sink in enough for me to stop! I tell myself i won't do it again then here i go again...i don't know the tools to help me yet but i did start reading Melody Beatties book. I have prided myself in being a quick learner in life...but when it comes to dealing with my son well not so much. I hope i can find the way. Thank you for your post u enlightened me.
 

TiredHusbandDad

New Member
We(I) kicked our college dropout adult son(he's 21) out maybe 3 or 4 times. He is currently back now, but keeps leaving at weird times. I'm having an issue with him leaving(nights) knowing that he has a drug problem. He's lazy, disrespectful and careless. My wife thinks I'm too demanding towards him, but I think she's too nice and she keeps asking me to have him do things, otherwise she won't ask him to do much, she'll do it. Chores are a must, as far as I'm concerned. My wife and my son are killing me.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Tiredhusband

This is an old thread but I am grateful you posted here because I had never read it. Why don't you start your own new thread? Your comment will be lost here. If you write a new thread people we see your story and reply directly to you. My son is very much like exhaustedmon's son, a very similar history, and I felt like she did. For the longest time I couldn't let go. I think these circumstances put so much strain on families and relationships. I agree with you that life involves responsibilities. I feel for you and I feel for your wife.
 
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