Withdrawing blessings on Diva's wedding

[witzend]

While she may have already spent a lot of money on this wedding, I'm assuming that a lot of it is deposits, or fully or partially refundable if she cancels within a certain number of days? Without a doubt, she'll spend more by August 11. Perhaps you can talk to her in terms of a budget?

husband and I were scheduled to be married on 8/21/85 in a big wedding with hundreds of guests. He backed out on me. He had cancellation notices printed up and sent them out. (A very long and stupid story.) We ended up marrying 1/28/86 at the County Courthouse during the Judge's lunch hour. There were 5 guests. We've been happily married ever since. The wedding day is not the important thing. I'll be honest - I would much rather have had the big wedding I had planned. But for whatever reason, husband was not ready at that time. What I have instead is a lifetime with the man I was meant to be with, and we love each other very much. In the long run, what happened 27 years ago is only a blip on the screen.

 

[Andy]

You are each right! Those with difficult child Kids KNOW that you can not MAKE them do the right thing. If we could, there would be no anguish in this world, or at least none from their choices.

I have told her that the $$$$ is not important. She is just using that as a lame excuse. My new saying is "money down the drain for a bright tomorrow!"

I am making my concerns known and when things go south, she will still try to put the responsibility back on me asking why I allowed it! That is how life is with Diva - put the blame on mom and not own up to her own choices especially if it goes against mom's advise. She has never followed my advise so why start now?

And I absolutely love that song! It has been a favorite since it was 1 st released.

 

[DammitJanet]

LOL....I guess he doesnt take hints. I know the poor girls in our family are going to be out of luck when it comes to dating. First of all Cory doesnt want to allow his girls to date until they are out of HS...lol but he says if they do both he and Papa are going to be sitting there with shotguns when the boys come to get them and Jamie swears that he is doing background checks on anyone who dares to even attempt to date any of them! They will know who they are messing with! Poor kids probably wont have a boy within the same county willing to date them.

But as far as diva...I am sure she is getting her back up about you telling her what to do. If I remember correctly she has been with this guy for quite awhile. That makes it more difficult to convince her of what is going on. You cant just blurt out what you feel or you push this into a Romeo and Juliet situation. Back in 03, I actually had to take a "its me or her" stance with Jamie when I caught his first fiance cheating on him while he was in boot camp. She was living with us and she had the gall to use out cell phone and Billy and my computers to contact other guys. I actually found a file she stupidly saved on my computer of her having cyber sex with my webcam with some dude. She tried to cry to Jamie that it wasnt true and we were setting her up and faking all this. I showed him the file and told him I wouldnt even know how to do that if I wanted to. Plus I sat him down and asked him if I had ever lied to him about anything that would hurt him. He had to say no. I said could he honestly say that about her. He couldnt answer that. I told him that if he married her, I would never have anything more to do with them. They wouldnt come to my house, I wouldnt go to theirs. Any children born wouldnt be considered my grandchildren. I was harsh.

He almost married her. He actually went to the wedding chapel but when he got there her father looked at him and he wasnt smiling, he was in tears most of the time while waiting...and her father told him if he didnt want to do it, leave, get out. Jamie jumped in the car and we took off. I sent Jamie, Cory and Tony away where she couldnt find him because the marriage license was good for 5 days I think. Jamie came home after a week and then went straight to his next post because he just didnt want to be home any longer. He was home on leave.

Now after this..I havent said a word about who he marries even though he has made some idiotic choices. I figure I used my one card up. But I seriously meant it. I would have cut him out of my life had he not listened to me over her. What she did was that bad.

 

[Star*]

I would ask the minister for advice - seriously......there maybe a pearl of wisdom to impart on parents in these situations.

 

[susiestar]

Years ago and old neighbor ended her engagement the day before the wedding - a HUGE Catholic wedding that had been over 1 yr in the planning. The entire church was shocked, most happily. The guy was a skank and would sleep with anything that wore clothes. Anything. She caught wind of the bachelor party plans and she had warned him that it was over if he had certain things there. so she did.

Now? she is happily married for over 20 yrs, has great kids, and NOTHING to do with the old fiance. Old fiance has been in and out of jail and is currently dying from something he caught either by sharing needles or sleeping with the wrong people. her family is eternally grateful that she didn't marry him.

I hope that your daughter gets married to the right person and has a long, happy life. I also think this is NOT the right guy, so I hope she waits.

Years ago I listened to 1 episode of the Dr. Laura show. She was talking about life rules and one was to never have a relationship with someone your parents hate, esp don't marry someone they don't like/hate. Why? Who knows you best, wants only the best for you, has cared for you for decades and worked to make sure you had whatever was best for you? So if your folks only want the best for you, and know you so well, then why would you marry someone they cannot stand? Wouldn't that be a giant red flag?

Not sure that would help, but maybe hearing stories about women who called the wedding off and went on to be very happy with someone else who their family loved would be helpful?

You also might call a DV center and ask what they recommend and if they have lists of warning signs to see before the wedding?

 

[DammitJanet]

Most girls marry someone like dear old dad. I should have...lol. I messed up every time.

 

[trinityroyal]

Andy, I think Susiestar's advice is excellent. I can't add anything to it, so I will just add hugs for you and for Diva, and a strong hope that she makes the decision based on what is best for her future happiness, rather than what will allow her to "save face" in the moment.

Trinity

 

[Andy]

Thank you all again! I wish she would have found someone like her dad to marry! One of her aunts told me that I can not decide what is best for her. Diva takes the stand that I over exaggerate. I hope I am but I know how I felt when I witnessed it. I don't want to become a monster in law (have you seen that show?) and I have talked to her several times about setting her standards and then standing by them. My focus is on her and making sure she not only gets what she wants out of life but also know that she can reject what she does not want. I don't put him down outside the statements that he gets angry too easily. But most the time it is in the "You do not need to put up with behavior from anyone." The ultimate decision is hers and I do not want to loose her over it - our relationship isn't strong enough for me to give a it's him or me ultimative, I am always her last choice in everything. So In our situation, it is best that she knows where I stand and that I am always here for her. She will continue to do her own way. I can only hope my words of advise reach her on some level and she stays safe. I feel that she is trying to figure out how to connect with me but has taken a step or two backwards over this.