Wondering what I did! feeling suicidal again!

[Desperately Sad]

Happy Birthday DS. Another day of life. Please get up and do something nice for you. Your worrying over what may be, does not do a thing, but bring you down.
I think depression is contagious, really, I do.
Emotions are contagious.
Instead of worry and dread, give yourself a huge dose of peace and contentment. Hard to do in your present situation, I know.
But, if you look at it from the outside, instead of being so close up, so tuned in to what to your son is doing, eating, not eating, sitting in the dark........etc.
Your son is depressed, maybe suicidal, this, in turn causes you to be fraught with worry about what may happen to him.
You become depressed, crying on your birthday.
It is like a dark cloud over your house.
I had this dark cloud as well, except it was the frenetic drama of drug addiction and chaos.
It enveloped me.
I was frantic, thought it was my responsibility to fix it.
I went deep into the swirley whirley of it, sacrificing myself and my home.
You may think, but this is different, my son is ill.
Yes, he is ill.
So are my two, ill with addiction, perhaps in some sort of psychosis, placing themselves in dangerous places and situations. Oh, Lord, if I thought about the "What if's" of this, in the negative sense, I don't think I would still be here. At, times, I do, then I say a quick prayer, it calms me.

Here's the thing:
They are the captains of their ship, and will do what they want, no matter if they are here with me, or not.

Your son is also the captain of his ship, as you are of yours.

Rather than dwell upon the absolute worst case scenario, try to imagine your son coming through this storm. Try to think on the positive, that he is still alive, still finding ways to nourish himself.

Then find ways to nurture yourself.

Lift up and make your rising above the situation, the contagion in your home.
Cause an infection of positivity.
Find some quotes that inspire you, put them on your fridge, your mirror, your calendar, your car dash.

Paint an accent wall in your room a beautiful color that gives you comfort.
Buy some artwork that inspires peace in your soul.
Watch a movie that is inspirational.
Get some essential oils that are rejuvenating, lavender, spearmint, rose oil, patchouli.
Listen to some soothing music.
Or, take a drive and blast some rock.
Treat yourself to a nice dinner.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

There is hope, and time.

You are hoping your son will find a way to lift his spirit, whilst going down the abyss, yourself.

It is the oxygen mask on the airplane example.
Parents are instructed to secure theirs, then their childs'.

If the parent passes out from lack of oxygen, how can they help their child?

What will the sacrifice of your joy, show your son?


Envision a ladder, out of the swamp of this that is enveloping you.

Climb slowly, one hand grasp, one foot, then another.

If you have faith in a higher power, pray.

Meditate.

All of the little things you do, is a shining example to your son, that he is capable as well.

Take it one step, one day, one small thing at a time.


I do hope you are able to breathe and relax today, DS.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

P.S. Thanks for adding a signature, it helps to have a little idea of your family.

Thank you for your kind wise words. Your words brought tears to my eyes (but for good reasons)
Such true words. Thank you, thank you. I will try.
PS I have chooks too. Hugs xxx

 

[New Leaf]

PS I have chooks too.

I had to look this up, chooks, chickens, lol.

I am down to two hens, they free range, too old for egg laying. My son says "Mom, we need to eat them." I can't bring myself to do it. They follow me around the garden, clucking and chatting at me. They come up on our porch step and look for us, making a purring sound, trying to get someone to come outside and give them feed.
I am a bad farmer! I can't eat them!
I am going to fix up my coop and get some more chicks.
I miss fresh eggs.

DS, I hope you have a better day today.
I may be sappy, but I find what helps me is to look for quotes and put it on a post it note on my computer at work.

Heres on that helped me in my darkest moments.

You will find your way through this DS, one little star at a time.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Wussenabler]

I had to look this up, chooks, chickens, lol.

I am down to two hens, they free range, too old for egg laying. My son says "Mom, we need to eat them." I can't bring myself to do it. They follow me around the garden, clucking and chatting at me. They come up on our porch step and look for us, making a purring sound, trying to get someone to come outside and give them feed.
I am a bad farmer! I can't eat them!
I am going to fix up my coop and get some more chicks.
I miss fresh eggs.

DS, I hope you have a better day today.
I may be sappy, but I find what helps me is to look for quotes and put it on a post it note on my computer at work.

Heres on that helped me in my darkest moments.

You will find your way through this DS, one little star at a time.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Wussenabler]

You are so kind to share the wisdom you've gained through your experiences. THANK YOU.

 

[New Leaf]

You are so kind to share the wisdom you've gained through your experiences. THANK YOU.

Thank you for your kindness. This site helped me to pull out of some very dark times. I am grateful for all that is shared here and grateful I am able to share. Writing here, helps me to remind myself to look up.
I am no wiser than anyone here, just been around the block a few times, if you know what I mean.
Thank you W and everyone else for sharing your stories.
We are all kindred spirits finding our way through some very tough stuff.
Soldier on.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Desperately Sad]

I had to look this up, chooks, chickens, lol.

I am down to two hens, they free range, too old for egg laying. My son says "Mom, we need to eat them." I can't bring myself to do it. They follow me around the garden, clucking and chatting at me. They come up on our porch step and look for us, making a purring sound, trying to get someone to come outside and give them feed.
I am a bad farmer! I can't eat them!
I am going to fix up my coop and get some more chicks.
I miss fresh eggs.

DS, I hope you have a better day today.
I may be sappy, but I find what helps me is to look for quotes and put it on a post it note on my computer at work.

Heres on that helped me in my darkest moments.

You will find your way through this DS, one little star at a time.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Desperately Sad]

I had to look this up, chooks, chickens, lol.

I am down to two hens, they free range, too old for egg laying. My son says "Mom, we need to eat them." I can't bring myself to do it. They follow me around the garden, clucking and chatting at me. They come up on our porch step and look for us, making a purring sound, trying to get someone to come outside and give them feed.
I am a bad farmer! I can't eat them!
I am going to fix up my coop and get some more chicks.
I miss fresh eggs.

DS, I hope you have a better day today.
I may be sappy, but I find what helps me is to look for quotes and put it on a post it note on my computer at work.

Heres on that helped me in my darkest moments.

You will find your way through this DS, one little star at a time.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

Ha Ha, sorry to confuse you talking about my chooks. I too would not eat mine either! I am a soppy mare too, keep them till the end, often nursing them with heat pads in the winter!. I was going to give up keeping them as well, but so missed the fresh eggs every day, (shop brought ones just not the same).
I too like quotes, thank you for yours... Very true. A favourite of mine at the moment is the Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Although I am not religious, I have found this helpful.
For now things have calmed slightly. DS even came for a dog walk with me today, although we didn't speak about anything in particular, I see it as a step in the right direction (baby steps!)
Thank you for your kind words.

 

[New Leaf]

I was going to give up keeping them as well, but so missed the fresh eggs every day, (shop brought ones just not the same).

So true, even the color of fresh eggs is different.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love this. The serenity prayer. My dad broke it down even further often saying “It is what it is.”
He was not religious either, but he did believe in a higher power.
I have a quote from his favorite Socratic philosopher Epictetus on my computer
“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control, and some are not.”

For now things have calmed slightly. DS even came for a dog walk with me today, although we didn't speak about anything in particular, I see it as a step in the right direction (baby steps!)

Baby steps indeed- he got out of the house-yay! It’s okay that you didn’t speak about anything in particular, at least he joined you for a walk. A good thing.
I am glad DS, that today is a better day.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[recoveringenabler]

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control, and some are not.”

Brilliant quote Leafy, thank you!