Would it be better to split up than both of us suffering?

[Mumunderfire]

Hi I am a relative newby here. I am going through an awful time with my son. As well as the day to day strain I think I am going through the stages of grief. He is my only child and was a happy kid. I brought him up well he had a lovely childhood I think. However after age 12 it all went wrong and in a nut shell he has been out of education for 2 years and has impending prosecutions for drug dealing. He has off the scale add but only diagnosed recently. He is involved with a gang.
I am coming to terms with this new reality after a couple of years of hell. My dilemma now is the guilt I feel towards my husband. We have been together for many years but only married and lived together for the last 6 years. He had a traumatic time with one of his own children before we lived together - his son has chronic mental health issues. My husband is getting to retirement now. He envisaged a pleasant life at this point and I have just brought hell on him. I know it is for better or worse but I feel I should set him free of this situation. I will never be free of it but it is my cross to bear. He does not want to leave but I think that is because he is an honourable person. Most people would want to escape this if they could.....

 

[Triedntrue]

I am sorry for your need to be here. As far as your marriage i would let your husband make his own decisions. He obviously knows what he is getting into. As far as the situation with your son if he is guilty of dealing drugs it may be out of your hands as he may have to face the consequences of his actions. If this is the case maybe he will be able to get help and away from the gangs . my son has been in jail short term for DUI and threats and as horrible as it feels for you it is a place where you will get some relief from his behavior and he will hopefully decide that he doesn't want to go back and change his ways. They may offer alternatives to jail that would involve him living in an alternative setting. Again it would hopefully get him help and away from the gangs. I don't know your circumstances if it would be possible to move away from the gang area so that there is not exposure if he does not get a sentence it might help. Prayers are with you others will be along and may have better ideas.

 

[BusynMember]

You in my opinion need to talk about it with your husband maybe in professional therapy. It could be easier for him than his own child was because he is yours. Also...you can eventually get tired of your son's activities and make him leave. Many of us did. Nobody thought we would. At a certain age for them and us it becomes OUR time to have fun. We are not in charge of our kids forever. I like my house/my rules. Maybe therapy for just you could also help. Your son should not ruin your life. His bad choices are his. You can only control yourself. ADD is diagnosed all over the U.S. it is not an excuse to use drugs and become a gangster. Many do very well.

 

[Mumunderfire]

You in my opinion need to talk about it with your husband maybe in profeddional therapy. It could be easier for him than his own child was because he is yours. Also...you can eventually get tired of your son's activities and make him leave. Many of us did. Nobody thought we would. At a certain age for them and us it becomes OUR time to have fun. We are not in charge of our kids forever. I like my house/my rules. Maybe therapy for just you could also help. Your son should not ruin your life. His bad choices are his. You can only control yourself. ADD is diagnosed all over the U.S. it is not an excuse to use drugs and become a gangster. Many do very well.

Thanks for your reply. I don't see add as an excuse but it's probably the reason. It will definitely be an option when he is 18, to turn him out but that is in the future as I remain legally responsible until then. We considered therapy but we relate to each other well it is just that neither of us can cope with our circumstances. I just feel incredible guilt for ruining my husband's life. It is not rational I suppose but this whole experience has eroded my self esteem I suppose.

 

[Mumunderfire]

I am sorry for your need to be here. As far as your marriage i would let your husband make his own decisions. He obviously knows what he is getting into. As far as the situation with your son if he is guilty of dealing drugs it may be out of your hands as he may have to face the consequences of his actions. If this is the case maybe he will be able to get help and away from the gangs . my son has been in jail short term for DUI and threats and as horrible as it feels for you it is a place where you will get some relief from his behavior and he will hopefully decide that he doesn't want to go back and change his ways. They may offer alternatives to jail that would involve him living in an alternative setting. Again it would hopefully get him help and away from the gangs. I don't know your circumstances if it would be possible to move away from the gang area so that there is not exposure if he does not get a sentence it might help. Prayers are with you others will be along and may have better ideas.

Thanks for your reply we thought about moving but it will be difficult 're work and also expensive to do. we don't think he would come with us which might be a solution of sorts but also he could end up back with us and carry on his behaviours. I don't want him locked up at his age but as there are no residential facilities / therapies available here etc it's probably the only break I am going to get!

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

If you and your husband love each other and want the marriage, you'll make it through this difficult time.

My marriage has suffered greatly at times due to the chaos caused by both of my stepsons. At the moment we are no contact with them - their choice - and that's definitely reduced the stress in my household, as much as my wife misses them, she knows she cannot change their minds at this time and she has accepted the reality of the situation.

Despite the drama and upheaval they have caused, I have affection for my stepsons and I would never say they ruined my life, or even my marriage. In my case, my wife has anger management issues that she won't address, and those issues - marital issues - are way more important to the quality of the marriage.

I understand your feelings of guilt over your son's difficulties, but don't assume your husband blames you or wishes he hadn't married you because of them. Have the two of you sat down to talk? Maybe hubby just needs some "me time" on his own or with his family/male buddies to get away every once in a while. Much less extreme than blowing up a marriage unnecessarily!

Best of luck and from what you write I feel quite sure you two will make it.

 

[Mumunderfire]

If you and your husband love each other and want the marriage, you'll make it through this difficult time.

My marriage has suffered greatly at times due to the chaos caused by both of my stepsons. At the moment we are no contact with them - their choice - and that's definitely reduced the stress in my household, as much as my wife misses them, she knows she cannot change their minds at this time and she has accepted the reality of the situation.

Despite the drama and upheaval they have caused, I have affection for my stepsons and I would never say they ruined my life, or even my marriage. In my case, my wife has anger management issues that she won't address, and those issues - marital issues - are way more important to the quality of the marriage.

I understand your feelings of guilt over your son's difficulties, but don't assume your husband blames you or wishes he hadn't married you because of them. Have the two of you sat down to talk? Maybe hubby just needs some "me time" on his own or with his family/male buddies to get away every once in a while. Much less extreme than blowing up a marriage unnecessarily!

Best of luck and from what you write I feel quite sure you two will make it.

Thanks so much for your reply it has really helped to get things into perspective in my head. I think I just feel a bit powerless and feel it is one thing I can take control of and fix. But it wouldn't be a fix for either of us I don't think. I also feel guilty about my son's behaviour but I need to stop torturing myself with that. It's a big strain on the relationship but in a lifetime you would be lucky not to have any such test I suppose. Onward and upward! Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

 

[HMBgal]

I certainly understand this dilemma. My husband didn't sign up for this 35 years ago when he married me with my three children and his two. It's my daughter and her ex that that have failed at parenting and adulting so that we have to raise their kids. My husband is 10 years older than me, retired, and does the heavy lifting for the childcare since I'm still working. Grandson's problems are particularly onerous to my gentlemanly, old-school husband. He's resentful about grandson's antics the embarrassment it's caused for us in our community. This is not how he envisioned his retirement when he was working two jobs his whole life to take care of the family.

We have a daughter (his daughter) and grandchild down in Southern California that we would love to visit and spend time with but can't because he's needed around here. Sometimes they need help with something around their house and my husband has figure out how and if he can do it. We can't travel together, haven't had a vacation in years, and don't see any end to it. We raised five kids together and were happy that we were done. Pffffft.

I do sometimes wonder if it would be better off if I just ripped off the bandaid and left with the kids, sold our home, split up our assets and move on. I'm sure he feels the same way at times, but we're in it for better or worse, richer or poorer, (although we didn't have that in our vows, it is a value we hold).

In the end, we have good days and awful days. I feel like we're living as siblings almost, and just trying to get stuff taken care of.

 

[recoveringenabler]

My husband helped raise my (then) 11 year old granddaughter (she's 22 now) and was on board for the worst years of my daughter's shenanigans......he sure didn't sign on for any of it......but he showed up for all of it.....and now my granddaughter is grown and my daughter has stabilized......and we have the life we were imagining a number of years ago.....it just arrived a little later.

but don't assume your husband blames you or wishes he hadn't married you because of them.

I think that's very good advice.....it is usually OUR guilt that doesn't want another to struggle as we do......however, your husband loves you and obviously has a commitment for "better or worse"......and he told you he doesn't want to leave........I let my husband know then and to this day still tell him how grateful I am to him for his commitment to me, my daughter and granddaughter.....

......One thing my husband and I began when my daughter was severely off the rails is a weekly road trip to the ocean, the woods, the city.......just a day trip out of Dodge to reclaim our relationship and get out of the every day worries and angst that my daughter or a teenager created. It was such a helpful strategy that we continue it to this day....fun, carefree trips out of town...

Have you tried contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness? They offer parenting classes which are very helpful. Here is the link: NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
Perhaps you and your husband might attend one of their classes together to learn options, and to get information, support and resources.

This is hard stuff.......and a whole lot easier when we have a partner we trust whom is willing to share the tough times as well as the good times.

Hang in there, you're not alone.

 

[Mumunderfire]

HMBgal that's a tough situation. My husband is 10 years older than me also and would like to slow down. When we see friends going on weekend breaks and child free holidays we are green with envy. I also get it about the embarrassment factor we feel like a couple of social pariahs but we really are good people (honest!) My son is very immature and involved in all sorts. He would not come away with us or stay with relatives so we are stuck fire fighting all the dramas for now. Maybe one day! Virtual hugs to you both.

 

[Mumunderfire]

My husband helped raise my (then) 11 year old granddaughter (she's 22 now) and was on board for the worst years of my daughter's shenanigans......he sure didn't sign on for any of it......but he showed up for all of it.....and now my granddaughter is grown and my daughter has stabilized......and we have the life we were imagining a number of years ago.....it just arrived a little later.



I think that's very good advice.....it is usually OUR guilt that doesn't want another to struggle as we do......however, your husband loves you and obviously has a commitment for "better or worse"......and he told you he doesn't want to leave........I let my husband know then and to this day still tell him how grateful I am to him for his commitment to me, my daughter and granddaughter.....

......One thing my husband and I began when my daughter was severely off the rails is a weekly road trip to the ocean, the woods, the city.......just a day trip out of Dodge to reclaim our relationship and get out of the every day worries and angst that my daughter or a teenager created. It was such a helpful strategy that we continue it to this day....fun, carefree trips out of town...

Have you tried contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness? They offer parenting classes which are very helpful. Here is the link: NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
Perhaps you and your husband might attend one of their classes together to learn options, and to get information, support and resources.

This is hard stuff.......and a whole lot easier when we have a partner we trust whom is willing to share the tough times as well as the good times.

Hang in there, you're not alone.

Yes we need to do that get out for the day. One thing we did was get a dog about a year ago. It means we spend time together walking and if we feel down the dog is always cheerful and enthusiastic so bout life which starts to rub off. I think the dog has kept us together this last year..!