10 Days Since I Kicked him out - so far so good.

[SeaGenieTx]

Going on day 10. My 23 year old son has made no attempts to contact me and vice versa.. I can keep tabs on him via his bank account. He's in town and he is ok. He's been eating, purchasing stuff at head shops, withdrawing chunks of money at nearby ATMs, ordering iTunes. If I stop seeing transactions then all I have to do is check the inmate search at the local police and county jails.

I'm adjusting pretty well. I have to say I LOVE having my home all to myself. I'm not waking up at 4am to him banging around in the kitchen and the smell of alcohol and pot reeking up the house when he comes in. I can go to sleep on work nights without telling him to shut his door, turn down his music or video games, turn off his black lights. I don't worry about his druggie friends coming over during the day while I am at work. Best thing I did was change the locks. For peace and sanity.

I've left his room as-is for now, but did go thru a couple of drawers last night and weeded out old clothes. Behind the clothes crammed in one drawer I found a large blown-glass pot pipe. Trashed it. I know I will find other paraphernalia as I weed thru his mounds of crap. I found myself a few times saying to myself "Better leave his stuff as-is or he will get mad". Then I was like "F" it - this is my house - he has no rights anymore.

I still have moments where I want to text him just to say I love him and ask if he is ok. But why? He isn't worried about me. I dream of the day he texts or calls saying "I love you Mom, I'm sorry". Don't see it happening while he is on drugs. Sober - maybe.

Had a couple of glasses of wine last night, had a good cry - got it out of my system. Slept all night for once. I still know I am doing the right thing. Can't contact him, can't let his drama upset me. It comes and goes. Heart is broken, can't help feeling betrayed and shattered.

 

[pasajes4]

Your doing fine.

 

[toughlovin]

Hi I am coming late to your story as I have been hanging out on the SA forum....but I might have a different take on a couple of things. We kicked my son out when he was 18 for good reasons. I of course was very upset and was seeing a therapist at the time. She gave me some interesting and very good advice. She said he will not contact you out of pride because you kicked him out. So you should stay in touch with him... dont invite him to come back but do text him letting him know you care and love him. That was completely opposite what my first inclination was. But I did that and when he got in trouble and arrested he called us. It has been quite a journey since then as he is now 23 and he has been in several rehabs, and homeless etc etc. But now he is in rehab again completely out of choice and he sounds and is acting like he is now for the first time really serious about recovery. (in the past it was desperation because we wouldnt help him unless he was in rehab or it was court ordered).. And our relationship is in a better place than it has been in 10 years. He is calling us to check in and tells us he loves us. He still has a long way to go and who knows what will happen.... but I really believe one thing that has mattered is he knows his mother loves him without a doubt.

So yes definitely dont invite him home.... but if you feel ike texting him and checking in then go ahead and do it. Our kids dont think about us like we think about them, they just dont and actually they shouldnt. It is not the way of things.... I see that with my very healthy together college student daughter.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

What if I text and reach out and he ignores me, never responds or has me blocked on his phone? He is in that state of mind that Im crazy and delusional and hes done nothing wrong.

 

[toughlovin]

My son ignored me for two weeks until he got into trouble and then he called me! So he might very well ignore you, probably will in fact. So then wait a few days and text him again.... dont ask for anything in your texts and dont offer him anything either. Your goal here is not to resolve anything but to just keep that door open so that when he is ready his pride wont keep him from calling you.

 

[Tanya M]

SeaGenie, I think you are doing great.

There is nothing like having peace in our own home. I'm glad you are now experiencing that.

There is nothing wrong with you going through the things in the room that he occupied while he was there. *note, I did not say "His room" as it's not.
You can always box up his belongings and hold on to them for him.

As for contacting him, it's up to you. Here's my take on it; If you are strong enough to stand your ground and not allow him to come back to your home then go ahead and send a text, something simple, "just wanted you to know I love you"
If you are not strong enough to stand your ground and feel you might cave and let him back into your home then at this time I would not send a text.

What if I text and reach out and he ignores me, never responds or has me blocked on his phone? He is in that state of mind that Im crazy and delusional and hes done nothing wrong.

This is where you have to dig deep down within yourself and draw on all the strength you have. He may very well reject you. Yes, it hurts but it's something you can get through. He may reject you now but it won't last forever. There will come a point when he needs something and you will be the one he calls.

You really are doing great. Continue to enjoy the peace in your home, you deserve it.

 

[Seeking Peace]

You are doing great. You really are!!! I just want to add one thing:

You deserve to be respected in your own home. Especially by your 23 year old son who you allowed to stay there. He's where he is now because of HIS choices, not yours. You would LOVE to have a great, loving, healthy relationship with him, but at this time he's choosing not to. He's not mutually respecting you, who also lives in the home (and pays all the bills on top of it). Not contacting him is not about not loving or deeply caring for him, it's about loving yourself. You're not angry with him. You're taking back your rights! It's not wrong or unrealistic to expect a lot more from your adult son. He's a grown man capable of taking care of himself. You need to take care of yourself. So, if you want to contact him to just send some love, that's fine too. You're simply cutting off his option to live with you anymore, not cutting him off from being your son.

That's where we are now with our 20 yr old daughter. Love her, want her to be successful and safe, but living in our home is just not a viable option anymore. It's only shown to be unproductive for her, so it's not the answer, not the fix.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Ok I sent a short text to him a couple of hours ago telling him I loved him, hope he was ok. He didn't respond.

Sent one more text about 30 minutes ago saying "Ignoring me is not hurting or punishing me, your choices = your fate. You are where you are in life because of your choices. Be good (his name), I love you."

I know he will be in town all week because there is some concert this weekend he was talking about that he just could not miss. I'm putting it out of my mind now and glad that tomorrow is Monday. At work my mind stays clear and busy and I don't worry as much. I am going to be on vacation all next week - I'm thinking of taking a little 2-day trip to Florida to go sit on the beach and talk to God (and drink mojitos).

All I know is I've tried with this kid and nothing works - he is on a mission to beat me and prove me wrong. Drugs have totally changed him. He doesn't even care about his beloved cat who is getting old and she cries for him. She goes in his room and howls, carries things out of his room and drops them in my room. I have been comforting her and now she just stays by my side. He doesn't miss me or his cat, hasn't asked for his clothes. It's a death I have to accept.

If he does every contact me (and you guys say he will) I don't know if I will even want to talk to him. Now I'm just mad, angry, disgusted, embarrassed that I raised a son who turned out like this.

I'm mentally exhausted - I've got to give myself a break. THANK YOU for listening to me and offering your advice. Tanya M. and SeekingPeace - thank you! xoxo

 

[Tanya M]

I'm glad you will be able to get away for a couple of days. Nothing like sitting on the beach to regenerate yourself.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you Tanya M - wish all of you could come with me!

 

[SeekingStrength]

If he does every contact me (and you guys say he will) I don't know if I will even want to talk to him. Now I'm just mad, angry, disgusted, embarrassed that I raised a son who turned out like this.

And, Genie, that is a very good reason not to contact him in the near future. You need more time to heal. I have been reading the advice to you and think there was nothing wrong with telling your son that you love him.

Right now, where it stands with my 34yo Difficult Child, i will not reach out to him because #1. He would most likely come back with all sorts of demands and mean accusations. #2. He might ignore me. That does not bother me as much because he knows I currently have his phone # blocked. I am not proud of that, but this is the second time in two years I have blocked him. Self-preservation of my peace was the reason both times.

husband does not have him blocked and there is always email, so if he needed to get hold of us, he could.

My guess is, 30 days or so down the road, you will be in a much better place.

I used to feel just like you are feeling tonight - the disgust, the embarrassment, etc. Those feelings are 99% gone. I pray he will make better choices, but have released the angst.

Disclaimer: You may see me on this board angsting on any given day - but much more seldom than a year ago!

Hang in there. Take care of you.

SS

 

[Childofmine]

Sea genie, right now you are in a new transition so do what works for you. I went for periods of time without talking to Difficult Child and it was good for me. I needed to regain my equilibrium. Then, I went through a period when I just wanted to know he was alive and I could be okay once I saw activity on his Facebook account or even that he had been online hours before. I truly didn't want to talk to him or know anything about his life at all. Those periods were restorative for me.

Often I would be very angry or sad or just filled with despair after he and I would talk or I would see him. I started seeing much more clearly that I needed to refocus my energy on myself instead of it all being on him and completely disregarding my own needs. That was a major shift for me and it has lasted now for a couple of years. I have broken the strings that were way way too tight between he and I and I believe that is one big reason he is now turning around and starting to rely more on himself.

He can change. Things can change. In the meantime, do what you need. YOU.

We are here for you. We understand.

 

[toughlovin]

I totally agree that your first priority right now is you! This journey is so difficult for us parents and I have found that at different times different things feel like the right things to do. So what becomes really important is knowing yourself, being true to yourself and your values and let that guide you. There is no one way that is right forr every parent, every addict and every situation. Your son is still young (same age as my son) and so lots of things can change. I have gone through the gamut of feelings you describe and honestly I went through phases where I totally lost hope and didnt feel there would ever be a change.

And even in those times of lost hope, total disgust and intense dislike of who he had become I still knew that I loved my son and I let that guide me. So there was a point where we had to draw the line and not help him at all even if it meant him being homeless in the middle of winter in Denver.... but I knew helping him would just continue the drug use and that was not good for him so even those decisions were guided by my love, although he would not have seen it that way at the time.

The thing about mothers and children though is that we love them unconfitionally but it is not an equal thing... they dont love us the same way we love them. They love us but it is in a different way.

So right now you can love him and if you are so moved let him know that, but dont expect at least for now for him to love you in return.... especially if you are making hard choices that he doesnt like.

 

[Childofmine]

The thing about mothers and children though is that we love them unconfitionally but it is not an equal thing... they dont love us the same way we love them. They love us but it is in a different way.

I think this is a very important point that TL makes here. One thing that helped me a lot is seeing my son's feelings/actions toward me as similar to my feelings/actions toward my own parents.

My parents are very important to me, but they aren't and don't need to be a part of my daily life. They don't know all of the people I know. They don't know my daily schedule. They don't know my daily plans and the details of my life. I don't ask them for approval or agreement with my plans. I don't talk to them every day. They live two states away and are in their 80s so I try to call them once a week but sometimes 10 days goes by before we talk.

However, I know they are there for me, and we love each other, and we have each other's backs, so to speak.

Think about it: As our children grow up---my sons are now 29 and 26---we need to learn to let them go more and more and more until our relationships are more collegial and "friend like" instead of parental. They need this. We need this.

I try to murmur benign responses when my sons tell me things about their lives (especially things I don't like or agree with), like, Oh, that's nice, Sounds good, great, interesting, I'm sure you'll figure it out, that must have been hard/challenging/sad/expensive. When we hang up we always say I love you.

My son (whose #%@* wedding planning story I detailed on another thread) called me last week to say, Hey Mom, remember when you suggested we get a wedding coordinator? Well, we went to a wedding last weekend and noticed all of the details that have to happen at the wedding and reception, and so...I've been online, I've found one, and she gets really good reviews...and so we're meeting with her next week.

My first thoughts were: TOLD YOU SO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHEN I SUGGESTED IT, YOU SHUT ME DOWN IMMEDIATELY. UNBELIEVABLE! YOU TWO REALLY GO AROUND THE WORLD TO GET TO COMMON SENSE, DON"T YOU?.....

But what I said was: That sounds great easy child! I hope it works.

Our grown kids (many who are launching late or who still haven't launched) must figure life out on their own, and they must get to the point where they do "life on life's terms."

And we have to let them.

The funny thing is: The more I let go, the more my grown sons call me and seem to want to interact with me. I think they really like the New Mom, who is not trying to run their business. (at least most of the time, lol).

I am living and learning as we are all here. Hugs to you!

 

[toughlovin]

In thinking about this I also think it is hard to "get" how we love our kids differently than they love us from our difficult children. At least in my case my relationship with my son was so loaded, so difficult for so long that it was really hard to keep in perspective because so much of it just hurt and he could be so nasty and unloving.

What helped me get clear about it was my easy child. My daughter and I have a very good, open and close relationshp and did even through her teen years. She is now 20 and in college. BUT I have realized she does not think about me as much a I think about her... she is not nearly as interested in my life as I am in hers.... our relationship really revolves around her needs not mine. When I started thinking about this I realized the same was true of me and my mom, whom I was very clase to. Our relationship did not become more equal until I was in my 20s and my parents got divorced and then my mom needed me in a way she hadnt before and that changed our relationship and then in addition to being mother and daughter we were very close friends. I see that happening at some point with my daughter but not for a while.... I think it is a natural progression as you let go, they live their own lives, make their own mistakes etc.

And currently with my son we are building a closer relationship but it is tenuous and a lot will depend on how he does with his recovery. I know full well that if he relapses things will be tough between us again.... although at this point I am keeping my mouth shut!

 

[Joyfullyme]

SeaGenie, I think you are doing great! It is ok to NOT have contact with him for a bit if it helps you get clear on what YOU deserve in your life: peace, a peaceful home, respect from others, etc. Lack of contact is not lack of love and it will most likely change when things are better. When he is in a healthier place, he will reach out because you are his mom and he DOES love you and will truly realize that in his sober, healthy moments.

If it makes YOU feel better, then send those texts "I love you" to keep the door of communication open, but only when you feel ready and you feel strong enough. You have EVERY RIGHT to create space around yourself and fill it with self care and self love and move your boundaries just a little further away so that others do not trample you.

I hope you have a blissful time on your beach with your prayers and mojitos! I pray with wine! Hugs!

 

[Joyfullyme]

Also, I wanted to add, when we kicked my son out for the last time, we told him he had 30 minutes to pack up his stuff. What was left, we went through and found all kinds of stuff - bongs, pills, whippets, needles - we trashed all of it. It is OUR home. I WELL REMEMBER the horrible skunky smell of pot and even now if I catch even a whiff of something that reminds me of it, I feel sick. I felt like a prisoner in my own home when he lived here. I have ABSOLUTE peace in my home now and I will NEVER go back to what we had before!! My husband and youngest son are so happy and peaceful - I will never give that up for anyone ever again.

When he decided to move 3000 miles away a few weeks after we kicked him out, we did allow him to come home and pick up a few things. The rest we boxed up on 2 large plastic tubs and put them in our basement. They have been there for 3 years and soon we will make a decision to dump/donate them. We had hoped he would make a better life and we could send his "stuff" to him, but I have come to place where that is most likely not going to happen any time soon. For now, we are ok with the stuff sitting in our basement.

Don't feel bad about going through his stuff. It is YOUR home and YOUR space. Hugs!

 

[TerryJ2]

I know what you mean about checking the bank for his whereabouts.

I totally agree about being "allowed" to go through his things. You can whittle down the pile and just keep what you think he needs or wants and toss the rest.