You can also get into trouble if she skips school, not just your ex. Both of you will be called to explain the absences. it is VERY serious. I know quite a few kids in my classes who started drinking and using drugs around 10-12. My brother became an alcoholic at age 12. He tried to sell me to the older kid across the street for a 6pk of beer when he was 12. The older boy (14 or 15) was the son of an alcoholic who kept their basement as a "guy's only" den. Their daughter was forbidden to go there because the boys abused her there (they didn't believe it happened but made it boy's only because they didn't want to listen to her complain about being sexually assaulted - I heard tehm many times tell her she made it up. I never bothered telling my parents because I already knew gfgbro would deny and they would not believe me - I just stayed away as much as I could. I did defend myself against the older boy - have wondered how explained teeth shaped scars to the women in his life, sick as that is. I know from his sister that one woman broke up with-him because them. Then I lost touch with them on purpose.
This basement room had a fridge that was fully stocked with beer and liquor at all times. Once the boys were 12 the dad let them drink pretty much what they wanted as long as they didn't take the last 6pk of beer.
The first person I ever knew got treatment for addiction was a boy in my class - we were 12 and he regularly brought a handful of uppers and downers to school. His mom had rx's for them and was thrilled to let him and his bro have them because they were easier to handle when they were stoned. We were in a "good" Catholic school at the time, not the public schools that had a rep for drug use.
Your difficult child is at HUGE risk home all alone. Not just because it is easy for her to get and use drugs/alcohol, but also because anyone could join her and hurt her. It is time to sit with the school and demand that they start to help. Call every morning and if she is not in school demand that they send a truant officer. Your ex may HATE this, but it is the right thing to do. Report this to CPS if your ex will not take a harder line or calls your difficult child in "sick" on any regular basis. Not taking these steps can result in real legal problems for you - you MUST keep good records (including names of people you speak to and what they say - send email or letters confirming the discussion as a way to keep documentation of verbal communication.) of your efforts for when the court gets involved. It WILL happen at some point. Depending on your profession this could have a real impact on your job. Either the public opinion or some companies put parents on probationary status if legal issues arise in their home lives. If you have a job that depends on any type of security clearance or bonding, it can be an even bigger problem - in spite of the fact that she doesn't live with you. These are things that you might not be aware of but that could be big problems.
does she have a facebook page? If so, check it out. If you don't want her to know, create a page for yourself with no picture and a fake name/personna. Yes, it is trickery, but it will let you see what is going on. Kids are often dumb enough to post evidence of what they are doing on facebook and similar sites. Myspace is still around though not very popular, and so is xanga.com - less popular but a friend's son and his buddies tried to use it for stuff they wanted to hide from their parents - in addition to a facebook page that showed only things that would be okay to parents. The child is 10 and got all his friends to follow him.
Insist that your ex put a keylogger program onto the computer, and put the same software on yours so that you can monitor her on each of your computers. Take away EVERYTHING. You are legally required to provide 7 outifts, 1 pr shoes, 1 coat, 1 hat/gloves if needed for the weather in your area, a mattress, a pillow, a blanket, and food. Plus a light in her room - ceiling light or a lamp. Food needs to be nutrition (like school lunch definition of nutritious - not real world definition) but NOT be what she wants/prefers. Until seh starts attending school regularly and getting decent grades she does NOT deserve any extras - no tv, video games, music, toys, baubles, etc.... It will be tough for your ex as she clearly is not able to exert as much control at this point, so she will NEED your very involved support. It is goign to be a HUGE commitment for both of you. I owuld make double darn sure that your ex has a deadbolt and a sturdy door on her bedroom and that she uses it at all times - esp at night. angry kids are impulsive and your daughter will be very angry when you crack down on her. It may even be needed for you to sleep on her couch for a while if that is feasible, or for the difficult child to live with you for a while.
If at all remotely possible, take a day or two off of work and ehlp your ex clean out difficult child's room and get her possessions out of the house. Either lock them in a shed or separate building on your ex's property or on your property or rent a storage unit. Put a new lock on whatever you use to store the items - you may even need to keep the key on your key ring and not leave it at the ex's so difficult child cannot search and find it and she doesn't already have a copy. Many storage places recommend that you use a lock that is circular instead of the traditional padlock shape. Still uses a key, but they are harder to cut open.
http://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-4...KX/ref=sr_1_17?ie=UTF8&qid=1298326236&sr=8-17 This link will show you what I am talking about. The storage places here insist on these because they get a break on their insurance if they do. Our police also recommends them.
School refusal may be what is happening and it is different from skipping to party. Both can be happening at the same time, but school refusal is a psychological problem that is often caused by anxiety. Many kids with school refusal have panic attacks and/or vomit at school from the anxiety,etc... This needs to be addressed by a psychologist at the same time that you are doing the other things. She shoudl NOT be allowed to go do things with friends, etc... unless she earns the privilege with her school attendance and behavior - shcool and home behavior. She should be allowed to earn her things back 1 at a time by going to school, staying at school once she is there, participating, etc... Make her work the hardest for the things with screens - tv, video games, etc.... You may want to let her have a cd player but limit what she is allowed to listen to. Classical music can be very soothing and calming though she may hate it. Even at his worst, my difficult child often benefitted from having classical music played at a low volume in the background.
You also need to drug test her. It should be a surprise and your ex will need to watch her as she urinates - it is very very easy to get urine from someone you know is not using. while it is possible for the doctor's office to do this, I would use a kit from the drugstore or walmart. The most comprehensive one you can afford. You will have to mail it off, but it will go to a lab that specializes in drug tests. I am on medications for a chronic health condition that is very very painful. My pain doctor warned me that most labs are not able to do a drug test properly because they are very complicated. I have NEVER used an illegal drug in my life. I have been around others smoking pot, but never used it - even being around it puts me to sleep so why bother? I could sleep at home - why would I want to at a party? I had a problem because I was on medications that could not be stopped suddenly with-o causing huge problems and I had the flu and a bad migraine so I was with-o the medication for close to a week. On the 4th day my husband called 911 because I was erally sick. The drug test done at the hospital showed METH - I have never even seen meth to my knowledge. After i was released (with the doctor insisting that I see a psychiatrist - which I already was doing, etc...) I had my reg doctor do a separate drug test. It didn't show meth but showed me taking other drugs I have NEVER taken and one medication that I took decades ago but not since. I was truly scared. I hadn't been out of my house for a couple of weeks because I had been sick, but I couldn't ifgure out why these things were showing up. I even wondered if the pharmacy had messed up my medications somehow. When I went to my pain doctor the next week I took the results with me. He laughed.
Yup. The doctor LAUGHED. He said that this is EXACTLY why his office does not use a local lab at the nearby hospital. It is incredibly easy to get false positives and strange results on drug tests. Most labs are not even familiar enough with drug testing to know this is possible, much less how often it happens. I had seen him for several years by this point and we have a great relationship - we trust each other. He explained that the meth result was because I was taking phenergan - (promethazine) for nausea. I react oddly to calcium and have to take phenergan or it won't stay down. The medication that I hadn't taken in years showed up because one of my current medications is broken into that medication as it is processed in the body. NOTHING in the results was accurate - they didn't show medications I was taking and showed medications I wasn't. I could have been ARRESTED because these results and they were FALSE!! It was really scary to realize it. Now I will only have this testing done by his office. Period.
The lab he uses is one that processes tests from the drugstore kits and is very accurate. The specimin containers have to be filled to a certain level and there is a thermometer sticker on the side. They have to record the temp of the sample when collected to help ensure it is actually from the right person. They also process each test more than once.
All of these things are important. Your ex has likely been worn down by your difficult child to the point that she won't be able to do this with-o a LOT of help and support from you. It is a HUGE challenge that you are both facing. You should each see a therapist AND see one together. It iwll be an investment in your difficult child - if you are not able to work together than you have no chance to help the child.
difficult child also needs a COMPLETE evaluation and an IEP if she does not have one. An IEP will provide supports and accommodations at school to give her the tools she needs to learn. If she doesn't have one, you need to send a letter asking for evaluation and testing and an IEP. You can find a sample letter in the Special Education 101 forum archives - just put the right names in and send it. Read up on how to send it to provide the legal protection that she deserves during the testing period.
Also get a copy of the following books: The Explosive Child by Ross Greene - this is our "bible" of sorts. It explains collaborative problem solving and may seem counter-intuitive as a method of raising a child but it is very effective. many of us have gotten much better results with this than we did with more traditional methods. What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You by Douglas Riley is another amazingly helpful book. It can help you figure out why your child is explosive and then help you help her not need to react that way. Parenting with Love and Logic by Fay and Cline is also excellent. It stresses using logical consequences while preserving the loving bond between parent and child. It may not seem apparent at first, but you can use this with the Explosive Child methods. It was the ONLY parenting book that made ANY sense to my husband. Many of my friends have said the same thing - it seems to turn on that lightbulb and enable us to be on the same page as parents.
You can learn more about love and logic at
www.loveandlogic.com . They have a lot of books (can buy from them or from any bookstore or online retailer. If you buy from amazon please use the link on the forum to go to amazon as this helps to support the site. NOT required, of course.
) and most are even availble on audiobook. They also have a lot of free stuff for parents and for teachers. I attended a seminar a few years ago that was truly incredible. I got a lot of help even though most of the audience was teachers.
Last three things (promise!).
Make SURE your ex has some time every week or so that she can go do something just for HER. Some time wehre you take care of difficult child and she doesn't have to worry about a phone call or whatever. If it is a time when difficult child has a club or team practice or something that is fine as long as they know to call YOU and not her. She is under fire 24/7 since difficult child is living with her. Even at work she is worried about what difficult child is doing and when that phone is going to ring with something she has to deal with because difficult child is being a difficult child. She NEEDS this time. If you cannot do this, find someone and pay them to be there. Check at a local college for an education major (sp ed major would be heaven sent) if you don't know someone who can help.
Second - the link in my signature is to a Parent Report. Years back some of the Warrior Moms here came up iwth an outline for a report that would keep all of the info and details about a difficult child in one place. Including what you have tried and how it did or didn't work. This iwll help you and your ex keep all the info easily accessible and let you communicate with the docs, teachers, etc... very effectively.. Work on it in chunks instead of all at once as it is just too much to do at one time. Have your ex help so that you get everything down. It truly is priceless.
Lastly - YOU and YOUR EX are the experts in your difficult child. Period. Docs, therapists, etc... are experts in their fields but NOT in your child and how she will act/react. If/when they want soemthing to happen that your gut screams is NOT a good thing, follow your gut. It won't be easy because they will be "sure" that their way is the only way. They see your child for a small window of time every couple of months or maybe every week. YOU and your EX spend hours and hours with her and have for years. do NOT let yourselves be intimidated. Like many others here, the really big mistakes I made as a parent happened when I ignored my instincts. I firmly believe that we have instincts about our children for a reason. Whether it is from God or it is just biology I don't know, but those instincts are there to make sure that our kids live as long as possible in the best way possible. Don't ignore them or if you must ignore them then monitor the situation as closely as possible and question everything until your instincts quiet or you put a stop to whatever it is.
I hope you can use some of this. Take what will help and let the rest go. I am glad to meet you and your difficult child is a very lucky young lady to have you and her grandmother caring for her so much. You may want to invite your ex to this forum for support. We have a few couples on here - Marg and Marg's Man most notably. It is a great way to stay on the same page, esp as you are in different households.
