14 year old step-son is scaring me

[busywend]

Nomda78, not reporting these things will hurt your family in the long run. Be sure to keep a notebook with dates, times, etc.

No wonder this child has no diagnosis - none of the docs really know everything!

I agree that he is too difficult to parent in a 2 parent household. Nobody can keep up the 24 hour watch he requires without 3 shifts in place.

 

[susiestar]

Take your children, if any of them are yours, and GET. OUT.



NOW!!!!!!!!


The fear you are living in is MUCH greater in the other children. You will be HORRIFIED but what the kids reveal happens after they are totally out of the range of this difficult child.

I can pretty much guarantee that he is abusing the other children in many many ways.

get your bio kids OUT and file a report about anything he does to children that are not your bio kids.

If he was acting sex with a cat out then he has NO LIMITS. No self imposed ones and none society has imposed on his sick little mind. As for the 7yo down the street, call the mom or dad and tell them that this child is likely sexually abusing their child, or else stop and see them on your way out of town. Tell THEM about the sex with a cat, and other ways he torments people. Let them know you wanted to tell them sooner but the child's mom refused.

I wish there was some way you could get through to his mother about how terribly disturbed he is, but she will not or can not comprehend it and take action to stop him.

You can love her all you want. But can you live with her hiding the abuse the child gives to all around him, even cats??

Sometimes we have to get away and salvage whatever is left of our lives and sanity. After you leave be SURE this difficult child does not have your address.

sending hugs and strength so that you can do what you NEED to do - fight for your life!

 

[JJJ]

Nomad,

Are all of the children your step-children? Are any of them legally yours?

I agree with Susie. Takes those children you legally can and leave. Report everything to the police and warn the neighbors. They may be willing to press charges and that will protect the ones you need to leave behind. Be clear with the police that if DCFS pulls the other children that you would be willing to have them (if you are) or give them the name of a sane relative.

If he sets you up as the molester, despite the law, you will be presumed guilty.

 

[jbrain]

I agree with Susie and JJJ. You must get out now. Your wife is in complete denial and you are going to take the fall. Please, please do not minimize what is happening. You must leave and take any biokids with you. You can't continue living in this household.
Best of luck to you,
Jane

 

[nomad78]

I am just the step dad, I have no biological children. I have been a part of this family for 3 years. The oldest girl is in collage (yay!) but still lives at home.

My role in this family is as a provider and protector. I don't think that if I leave their mother will have any sudden clarity that makes her take action with the law against her son short of hurting someone. That being said, I think leaving would be selfish of me and put the rest of the family in greater danger.

We have discussed the possibility of him setting me up for child abuse as he has threatened to so. I would not even be surprised if his father helped with it. I want to do the best I can for this family which includes the 14 yr old. All I have ever done is try to help him, and I do not want my work to be in vain. He might try to set me up for physical violence, or neglect, but never molestation.

Leaving is not an option for me. I care to much.

I just know there has to be something I can do to help that I have not tried yet. Tomorrow night we are suppose to drop him off at his fathers house overnight. I will take that opportunity to talk to his mom about a policy we can stick to about reporting his behavior to the authorities based on the severity of his offense.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm just so sorry your family is going through this. Perhaps trying to talk to your wife about the OTHER kids in the family and how they must feel about this, might crack her defenses a bit... what kind of life is it for them, to live in constant fear of their brother? Maybe if you approach it that way, she'll see a light, or a glimmer of a light.

Otherwise, I'm afraid you really don't have much choice except to get out with the children you have the legal right to take with you, and call CPS to deal with the rest. If your wife keeps blinders on, things will only get worse.

I am still appalled that the therapists didn't immediately take action after a molestation claim. They do indeed have an ethical and legal obligation to report suspected abuse to the authorities.

I am also so incredibly sad that we have so many parents/stepparents on this board that are going through similar situations right now... it's heartbreaking for the families involved, especially for the other children in the families.

 

[BusynMember]

There is NOTHING you can do.

If this kid says you sexually abused him, they will believe him. Nobody has EVER reported what HE has done so nobody will believe you then.

There are some things you can't control. This chld is a budding psychopath (we've had a run on them in this forum lately). He cares nothing about whom he violates, even his own mother and a kitten. I'm sure he is abusing other children. He will get you and you won't be able to help, even from afar, if you are in jail.

If you can't persuade your wife that her child is extremely sick and dangerous, then you are helpless.

I urge you to get a therapist of your own--one you don't share with anybody else--and get help. For some reason, you feel you can save this family. You have both parents against you. There isn't one thing you can do for them except let them be forced to face the truth. Maybe then the families will get help for themselves and get this child off the streets before he hurts or kills somebody.

Good luck.

 

[DaisyFace]

Good morning, Nomad--

I have not read all of the other responses--but regardless of anything else:

CALL POLICE!!!

He hits you?

CALL POLICE!!!

He threatens you?

CALL POLICE!!!

He molests someone in their sleep?

CALL POLICE!!!

I cannot repeat this enough....

CALL POLICE!!!

Sending (((hugs))) and suport to your family.

--DaisyF

 

[AnnMarieTN]

There isn't one thing you can do for them except let them be forced to face the truth.

I would also urge you to take drastic measures now. If not, they will be forced to face the truth in the midst of a tragedy. Whether it is him harming someone (or even killing them) or the 14 year old being harmed himself.

I put off getting help for my son because I wasn't sure what I needed to do and I didn't want to admit to myself or others that there was something seriously wrong with my son. My wake up call was when he tried to attack my Mom and threatened to rape her.

He has molested your wife and pretended to have sex with a cat. These should be your wake up calls. Please don't wait until something even worse happens.

 

[graceupongrace]

nomad,

I truly appreciate your desire to be the protector. But you may want to broaden your definition of what being the protector means. Standing guard over a terrified family is one way, but it's destroying you, and it isn't really helping them. Taking drastic action is another way of protecting the people who are being harmed by this situation -- including the ones you don't know about, such as the neighbor kids, and the ones who no doubt will be harmed when your dangerous stepson crosses their path.

He may be able to act as if nothing is wrong with him, but there is something seriously, seriously wrong. Even teens having testosterone-fueled fits of anger don't do the things your ss has done.

As parents of difficult children, we sometimes push the line of acceptable behavior a little further, and then a little further still, hoping they'll turn around. But your ss has made it clear through words and actions that there is no line he will not cross. Please don't wait until it's too late.

 

[klmno]

Personally, I think I would go in person and discuss this with someone in CPS. Today. There are several reasons I say this but I don't think you can get there quick enough. Also, it should be your wife documenting stuff to build a case against the bio-dad to get him out of the picture. It sounds like until she's willing to face and deal with things and bio-dad gets out of the way, you are a sitting duck and will catch the worst of things- which are piling up to be pretty bad as time goes on.

 

[JJJ]

I am just the step dad, I have no biological children. I have been a part of this family for 3 years. The oldest girl is in collage (yay!) but still lives at home.

Can you get her into college housing? That would at least get her out of the line of fire.

That being said, I think leaving would be selfish of me and put the rest of the family in greater danger.

Greater danger than being molested in their sleep? than being in such fear of a sibling that they sleep in your room and behind locked doors?

He might try to set me up for physical violence, or neglect, but never molestation.

Why not? The boy sexually molested his mother and a cat. Those are huge lines he crossed. What makes you think he wouldn't lie about you molesting him? Based on what you have written here and the combined experiences of this board, I could almost guarantee that he will accuse you of sexually molesting him.

I will take that opportunity to talk to his mom about a policy we can stick to about reporting his behavior to the authorities based on the severity of his offense.

I think you need to tell her that you will be calling the police. That you are obligated to report criminal activity in your home. She can bury her head in the sand all she wants but you will not standby and watch her and the other children criminally assaulted.

I also STRONGLY agree with klmno. You need to stop reading this and call CPS now 1-800-25ABUSE. CPS workers are trained to look at mother's new partner as the most likely perpetrator. You will be the number 1 suspect unless you call them and report what he is doing NOW.

 

[JJJ]

Just to add, since you do not know me. I HATE CPS, with a vengeance. But cases like yours are where they are a necessary evil. Please call.

 

[susiestar]

I know you care very deeply. I know you truly want to reach his, and to keep everyone safe.

But you staying is NOT going to accomplish that. This child is so far beyond what can be helped in the home that it is scary. Truly frightening.

IF you can get this child into some sort of lock-down facility for a couple of YEARS then you MIGHT have a TINY chance at "fixing" him so that he can have a decent adult life as a functioning member of society.

If this child makes ONE report of abuse, especially sexual abuse, by you then you can kiss your life goodbye. I actually know a man who was accused of this by a student at the school he taught in. By the time 4 weeks after the accusation that the girl admitted she made a fake report it was TOO LATE.

His entire career was destroyed. His wife lost a lot of HER business because the community heard that he was accused of molestation. Their children were tortured in school - many lifelong friends were no longer allowed to play with their kids, nor were many of these kids supposed to even TALK to his kids at school.

There is NO FORGIVENESS once the accusation is made for this kind of thing. You are delusional if you think there is.

IF you are cleared of all charges (NOT the same thing as having charges dropped by a LONG shot) then people will forever and always believe it was because no one believed the child, or that there just wasn't enough proof. It will NEVER EVER EVER be back the way it was.

You know, when he is playing with that child half his age that he is abusing the child.

You know he has abused his own MOTHER sexually.

All of your love isn't going to mean one thing at all unless you get this child away from the community. He is a major danger to EVERYONE.

You have so much to lose by staying. There won't be a good outcome because there simply cannot be one. the child probably inherited some mental illness or whatever is driving this, in addition to being abused by his biofather and the atmosphere in the home until the divorce.

Take off the blinders. To fix this kind of problem it takes years and years to even get the child to the point where they CAN be helped.

By leaving you can make some comments to others that they need to keep their kids away from him because he abuses anything weaker, including the CAT. By staying to continue the cover-up of his actions.

I hope that you can see, at some point, that the only safe thing is to be FAR away from this child. Once he makes an allegation you won't be able to do anything to help anyone.

And at that point, when you say "but he did this" EVERYONE will ask you why you stayed, why you didn't tell the neighbors, teachers, experts, everyone what he was doing.

for that matter, why haven't you gone to the neighbor with the young child and warned his parents? Why haven't you gone to the school, the doctor, the therapists and shrinks?

I don't mean to attack. I do mean to let you see the most likely outcome. And to ask if you even know why you stay with-o alerting potential victime?

 

[klmno]

Caring doesn't mean turning a blind eye. Here, if a kid exhibited signs of developing dangerous tendencies and illegal activity and an adult in the hosuehold ignored it rather than addressing it, the adult can be held accountable. If you really care, you need to deal with this. It's the ONLY chance the kid has and the family has and you have, I'm afraid. And you can bet that the bio-dad will use the "difficult child'ness" of the kid to get you arrested and out of that house.

 

[JJJ]

Thinking on this some more...

If the parents of the 7-year old figure out that your ss is abusing their child, and that you IGNORED the warning signs, you will lose everything you own. I cannot imagine a jury that wouldn't crush you for your blatant failure to protect.

 

[nomad78]

Talked to a psychologist today about my nightmares and inability to sleep.

She insisted that he not be allowed around any children unsupervised.

That his mother and I need to address and punish every bad behavior without fail. That anything we let slide just reinforces his bad behavior.

She wants the house locked down tighter than it already is.

She said that we are obligated to report the molestation to the police, even if charges are not pressed. The forensic psychologist he has seen told us not to report it, as it would only make him resent us. I have wanted to report him all along, and press charges. There is nothing OK with what he has done and I do believe he will do it again, if he has not already.

For my life, I do not know why his mom thinks its OK for him to play with the young kids, or why she stopped me from going to talk to their parents. I think the forensic psychologist who told her he was not a risk just comforted her fears and is totally full of BS. I know that it is incredibly hard for a mother to think her son might be a predator; however, mock raping a cat, molesting his mom, and stalking a porn woman over the internet has me pretty convinced that he has no limitations.

I think he, his mom, myself, his bio father, the police, and his psychologists need to sit down and have a long talk. I plan on fighting that point tonight.

 

[BusynMember]

You'll not only lose all you have, you'll be considered a sexual predator yourself. If you ever decide you want a sane life and other kids, forget it.

You WILL be found guilty. Heck, I know a kind man who adopted nine boys. Two said he sexually abused him. Take my word for it--he didn't. But CPS took all the boys away and he isn't allowed to see his grandchildren. His life is ruined. He wishes he never tried to do good. Some kids can't be saved. Some families are too sick to help. in my opinion call CPS--if you call first, they'll cooperate with you. If they come to you, you're dead meat. Of course this child and his father will cook up sexual abuse allegations. Matter of time. And they will believe the child over you.

 

[CrazyinVA]

nomad, I'm really glad you saw that psychologist. I hope that, combined with the responses here, gives you the backing and confidence you need to address this again with your wife.

Good luck tonight.. please let us know how it goes!

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello again--

First of all, I would like to clarify a few things that have been advised by others in this thread:

Not every state has "Duty to Warn" laws. That will be very important for determining whether you can indeed by prosecuted criminally or held liable financially for not notifying others about your stepson's potentially harmful behavior. Find out!!

Also, most "Duty to Warn" laws only apply to professionals such as doctors, therapists, social workers, etc. However, just because the laws may not specifically apply to parents in the letter of the law--you may still be vulnerable to lawsuits from victims for not following the spirit of the law.

Sadly, as many parents here can attest--getting help and interventions for a child is never as easy as just picking up the telephone. You may have to FIGHT to get the attention of professionals and/or law enforcement personnel that can assist you. You need to make noise!! Document everything. Report everything. If you reach a "dead end" you have to knock on another door.

Believe it or not, you will need that paper trail!!

You will eventually need to document to somebody (whether a doctor, a police officer or a judge) that you have been doing everything in your power to help this child.

If not, you may be held responsible in criminal court for the actions of your stepson....or worse.

--DaisyF