18yo Son Update

[Beta]

You know, one thing that makes this whole thing more painful is the fact that few people in our circle ask about Josh and what the status is on him. People at church who know about the situation don't ask. Sometimes in our weekly Bible study group, I ask for prayer for Josh and mention the grief we feel. Silence.
I get that they feel uncomfortable, but it makes it more painful because you feel isolated and walking through this alone (humanly speaking, of course. I know the Lord is with us in this). As someone once said, "Sometimes you just need someone with skin on when you're hurting." Do the rest of you find this to be true of people in your lives? How do you deal with it?

 

[Bettyboo44]

Oh Beta I hear you, it’s like you’re mentioning something ‘taboo’ when you speak about your son around people that know you and him and the situation.

I haven’t spoken to my siblings for quite a long time (they live in a different country than me)
This mainly came from them liking to speak only about ‘pleasant’ things and I struggled in conversations as I felt like I was saying something ‘dirty’ when I mentioned my sons, and whatever chaos was happening with them that day/week/hour. I can’t just pretend because they don’t want to hear it.
How I deal with it, is I speak to people that can relate (This forum is an absolute godsend, lifesaving!). Also if people in my circle ask how I’m doing, how life is etc, I’ll be honest, and if that makes them uncomfortable, unfortunately that’s an issue they have to deal with.

Please don’t shy away from speaking about Josh and carry on asking for the Bible study group to pray for him, they don’t have to join in if they choose not to, but that doesn’t have to stop you saying what prayer and intentions you want to at that time.

Also I’m not sure if you attend any other groups but I’ve recently started going to Al anon and found so many other people with scenarios so similar to mine, which I get great comfort for, maybe joining more groups like this might help you too?

I’m sorry to hear you feel isolated and alone, but please know that you most definitely are not. I’m praying for you and Josh as I’m sure so many others on here are too.

 

[LetGo]

How am I? For the most part, okay. I have to compartmentalize my feelings of grief. I have been thinking a lot about Josh as a little boy the last few days. I really miss that person. Right now, I have placed yet another missing person's report on him in Phoenix,, in the hope that a police officer will come across him and call me and put him on speaker phone. I had that experience on October 23. I spoke to Josh briefly and once again tried to persuade him to get help and/or let us come out there to meet with him. No success on that, and he eventually walked away. I'm hoping that he will be found again and I will have another chance to talk with him. Sometimes the police don't check his name in the system until after he has been let go, and they call to let me know they had contact. If I'm lucky, they check while they have him there and call me right away. That is the only way now I have any chance of talking to him. Some days, the grief is stronger than others. I think holidays make it harder.

How am I? For the most part, okay. I have to compartmentalize my feelings of grief. I have been thinking a lot about Josh as a little boy the last few days. I really miss that person. Right now, I have placed yet another missing person's report on him in Phoenix,, in the hope that a police officer will come across him and call me and put him on speaker phone. I had that experience on October 23. I spoke to Josh briefly and once again tried to persuade him to get help and/or let us come out there to meet with him. No success on that, and he eventually walked away. I'm hoping that he will be found again and I will have another chance to talk with him. Sometimes the police don't check his name in the system until after he has been let go, and they call to let me know they had contact. If I'm lucky, they check while they have him there and call me right away. That is the only way now I have any chance of talking to him. Some days, the grief is stronger than others. I think holidays make it harder.

Hi Beta, Not sure why your post is showing here twice...I started to reply and then I messed that up so I am starting over. That could be why...lol. Someday I will figure out how this site actually works! I think the holidays definitely make it harder. They bring up memories, good and not so good. I feel for you, not knowing how or where your son is. Thinking of you and hoping that you get some kind of news soon. LetGo

 

[Nandina]

Hi Beta, I get it too, as I’m sure many on this site can relate as well, to the uneasiness that crops up when we mention our wayward adult kids. (or wayward young kids for that matter). Even my grown well children didn’t want to hear about their brother and his issues.

The worst for me was six years ago when my son (now deceased) had decided to leave home right after his 18th birthday because he was an adult and thought he could live on his own. This act made me an empty nester and threw me into a depression for months. At that time I did not have the benefit of this site—I’m sure it would have helped.

His leaving devastated me, because I knew there was absolutely no way he was ready to handle adult responsibilities. At that point all he wanted to do was smoke weed and party. And because of all the problems we had been having for years with anger issues, lying, stealing etc., I had to tell him that if he left he could not come back and live with us.

I was on the phone telling my then-best friend of 30 years, who is childless, that my son left home and I was crying as I told her. She asked me, “why are you crying? Didn’t you want him to leave after all the trouble he’s caused you?” I went off on her and told her that I hated to be one of those people who tell you that you don’t get it because you’re not a mother, but “you DON’T GET IT!” The friendship kinda went downhill from there.

Is there nobody else in your circle who has a mentally ill or substance-addicted child that you can confide in? It is almost rare in these times not to know somebody who is dealing with it. But many keep it hidden as I did in some of my circles previously.

My only solace other than this site, after I discovered it (and my husband), was my therapist who I began seeing about five months before my son died from fentanyl-laced meth In December last year. I still see her and she is like having a good non-judgmental friend to chat with. She even came to my son’s Celebration of Life service.

I know being a pastor’s wife you may have the benefit of clergy for counseling, but I will echo what Bettyboo44 said above about Al anon. We had just joined about two months before our son died and were reading the literature and applying the principles daily. It’s really a spiritual practice and a good place to make one-on-one connections with others dealing with some of the same issues. And they encourage you to get a “sponsor” for that closer connection.

I’m not much of a joiner and wasn’t sure if I’d like it, but it was quite different than what I expected and a good experience overall. All groups are run differently though so if one doesn’t feel right, try another.

I pray for you Beta, and for all those on this site who are living with the intense grief of having a homeless, mentally ill and/or drug addicted child. This is not how motherhood is supposed to feel! But thank God we do have each other on this site. May it always be a source of comfort for us. Sending love and hugs, Nandina

 

[Copabanana]

painful is the fact that few people in our circle ask

Yes, Beta. I know what you feel.

My several close friends, almost all I've known 60, 50, 45 years NEVER ask about my son, with one exception. I specifically told one of them, she always talks about herself, and her kids and never asks about us. Now maybe once in every dozen times I talk to her does she in a perfunctory way ask about my J. Why even bother? She is a psychologist. When she does ask she and another friend want to diagnose or treat us. (That is, talk down to me, and make me feel she thinks she is an expert on my life. And I don't know a thing.)

I am angry about it. I really am. And I get tired of hearing about the wonderfulness of other people's lives and their kids wonderfulness. My friends chidlren are in their 50's. They have fabulous careers, families, children, homes in fabulous cities, second homes in Portugal, England. This is a level of affluence and privilege that my life has seen none of. But to the point: my son, now 36, is Schizophrenic and homeless if I don't house him. There is NO empathy at all for me. There is NO understanding at all of what I face and deal with and NO wanting to know. No wanting to share. None.at.all. What is it about me that can't engender friendship and caring? Rather than loneliness I feel rage. They would never guess it. I wonder what that says about me?

I do have a few people to talk to. My wonderful psychologist who is retiring in 2 weeks. My rabbi. M. But friends largely act as if I am childless.
Or if I speak, they talk down to me. Beneath the anger there is a great loneliness and sorrow. I have poured that into these posts here. I am so grateful to you all.

 

[ksm]

You know, one thing that makes this whole thing more painful is the fact that few people in our circle ask about Josh and what the status is on him. People at church who know about the situation don't ask. Sometimes in our weekly Bible study group, I ask for prayer for Josh and mention the grief we ....

Beta, I know the kind of grief and how isolating it is. Even and especially at church. My one friend from church who has an adult child with drug addiction joked (funny/not funny) that the level of grief we go thru every day should warrant a casserole. Our church women are famous for stepping up with a hot cassetole for deaths in the family, a new baby, surgery, etc. I've fixed my share for many people.

Most people can't fathom what we go thru... Beta, Copa, New Leaf, Nandina, and all the others sharing about their child...if we lived close, I'd be there with that casserole! And ask about your child. And commiserate with all of you.

Hugs. Ksm

 

[Beta]

Oh Beta I hear you, it’s like you’re mentioning something ‘taboo’ when you speak about your son around people that know you and him and the situation.

I haven’t spoken to my siblings for quite a long time (they live in a different country than me)
This mainly came from them liking to speak only about ‘pleasant’ things and I struggled in conversations as I felt like I was saying something ‘dirty’ when I mentioned my sons, and whatever chaos was happening with them that day/week/hour. I can’t just pretend because they don’t want to hear it.
How I deal with it, is I speak to people that can relate (This forum is an absolute godsend, lifesaving!). Also if people in my circle ask how I’m doing, how life is etc, I’ll be honest, and if that makes them uncomfortable, unfortunately that’s an issue they have to deal with.

Please don’t shy away from speaking about Josh and carry on asking for the Bible study group to pray for him, they don’t have to join in if they choose not to, but that doesn’t have to stop you saying what prayer and intentions you want to at that time.

Also I’m not sure if you attend any other groups but I’ve recently started going to Al anon and found so many other people with scenarios so similar to mine, which I get great comfort for, maybe joining more groups like this might help you too?

I’m sorry to hear you feel isolated and alone, but please know that you most definitely are not. I’m praying for you and Josh as I’m sure so many others on here are too.

Bettyboo44,
Thank you for your sharing. It always helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I have become much more selective about who I share things with as a result of the awkwardness I sense at times when I bring up the topic of Josh. Unfortunately, I have decided not to share my need for prayer with the particular Bible study group I alluded to--they never ask about him, and when I have opened up a bit about the grief my husband and I are dealing with, there is very little said and it's very awkward. But, I do have two friends who will pray when I ask them to and I'm comfortable sharing with them; I just don't see them each week as I do other people in my sphere. I'm going to check into an Al anon group but to be honest my schedule will be hard to work with, and I don't drive at night when it's dark because I don't feel confident, especially on country roads (deer).
I'm genuinely touched that you are praying for me and for Josh. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and yes, I feel the same about everyone on this site who has done that and is doing that for me. This site has been a godsend to me many, many times.

 

[Beta]

Beta, I know the kind of grief and how isolating it is. Even and especially at church. My one friend from church who has an adult child with drug addiction joked (funny/not funny) that the level of grief we go thru every day should warrant a casserole. Our church women are famous for stepping up with a hot cassetole for deaths in the family, a new baby, surgery, etc. I've fixed my share for many people.

Most people can't fathom what we go thru... Beta, Copa, New Leaf, Nandina, and all the others sharing about their child...if we lived close, I'd be there with that casserole! And ask about your child. And commiserate with all of you.

Hugs. Ksm

KSM,
Thank you for your input and kind words. I chuckled about the casserole. I would definitely take one of those after I come home from work some days. The church we attend (my husband is no longer pastoring; he is retired) is made up of young families, with almost everyone between 24 and 45, and most have children at home. So they have no idea what it's like to be an empty nester let alone to have one child who is living overseas (our youngest) and another who is addicted and homeless. And honestly, I don't want to constantly hear about their kids' school and sports activities --those are things I was focused on 25 years ago.

I wish we all lived within two hours of one another and we could meet once a month to talk and support one another! That would be awesome!

 

[Beta]

Yes, Beta. I know what you feel.

My several close friends, almost all I've known 60, 50, 45 years NEVER ask about my son, with one exception. I specifically told one of them, she always talks about herself, and her kids and never asks about us. Now maybe once in every dozen times I talk to her does she in a perfunctory way ask about my J. Why even bother? She is a psychologist. When she does ask she and another friend want to diagnose or treat us. (That is, talk down to me, and make me feel she thinks she is an expert on my life. And I don't know a thing.)

I am angry about it. I really am. And I get tired of hearing about the wonderfulness of other people's lives and their kids wonderfulness. My friends chidlren are in their 50's. They have fabulous careers, families, children, homes in fabulous cities, second homes in Portugal, England. This is a level of affluence and privilege that my life has seen none of. But to the point: my son, now 36, is Schizophrenic and homeless if I don't house him. There is NO empathy at all for me. There is NO understanding at all of what I face and deal with and NO wanting to know. No wanting to share. None.at.all. What is it about me that can't engender friendship and caring? Rather than loneliness I feel rage. They would never guess it. I wonder what that says about me?

I do have a few people to talk to. My wonderful psychologist who is retiring in 2 weeks. My rabbi. M. But friends largely act as if I am childless.
Or if I speak, they talk down to me. Beneath the anger there is a great loneliness and sorrow. I have poured that into these posts here. I am so grateful to you all.

Copa,
I could feel your pain and anger as I read your words. My heart hurt for you as I read of the lack of understanding, empathy, or desire to want to know. I know from past posts you have mentioned these long-time friends who never speak or ask of your son. I know people are uncomfortable but it feels more painful to have people NOT ask or say anything. And I know what it is to look at other people's lives and see what appears to be affluence, success, and picture-perfect relationships. I have to remind myself that things are not always as they appear on the outside. I could be wrong, but I suspect there's a lot of things going on that are kept carefully concealed to maintain the facade of success.
To me, people who cannot or will not make an effort to enter into the pain someone is enduring are to be pitied. There is nothing about you that would prevent friendship and caring--you are a very caring person. The time you contribute to offering perspective to others, as well as your willingness to share deeply personal things with strangers because they need to know they are not alone, demonstrates a generous spirit. I'm glad you have a few people in your life you can talk to. I just feel so bad for you that the others are not there for you in that way. I hope, (for your sake, not theirs) that you can extend forgiveness. They're the ones who are missing out---they're missing out on the blessing of helping to lighten the burden of someone they supposedly care for.

Yes, there is great loneliness and sorrow each of us here carries with us each day. For myself, I have to "compartmentalize" what is happening away in a corner of my mind in order to go out into the world and fulfill what I have to do each day.

Like I wrote a couple of moments ago in another reply, I wish we all lived within two hours of one another and we could meet every so often to share and support one another!

 

[Bettyboo44]

Bettyboo44,
Thank you for your sharing. It always helps to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I have become much more selective about who I share things with as a result of the awkwardness I sense at times when I bring up the topic of Josh. Unfortunately, I have decided not to share my need for prayer with the particular Bible study group I alluded to--they never ask about him, and when I have opened up a bit about the grief my husband and I are dealing with, there is very little said and it's very awkward. But, I do have two friends who will pray when I ask them to and I'm comfortable sharing with them; I just don't see them each week as I do other people in my sphere. I'm going to check into an Al anon group but to be honest my schedule will be hard to work with, and I don't drive at night when it's dark because I don't feel confident, especially on country roads (deer).
I'm genuinely touched that you are praying for me and for Josh. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and yes, I feel the same about everyone on this site who has done that and is doing that for me. This site has been a godsend to me many, many times.

I can completely relate to being selective to whom you share your thoughts, worries and feelings about when it comes to Josh. I believe the right people will understand, comfort you and offer support.

I also believe being mindful of whom you share your life with ‘eliminates’ wasting time on those who lack understanding and compassion, and in turn frees up time for building a healthier circle.

I am saddened you feel like you can’t pray for Josh at your Bible study group, but hope you can see that’s just their own issues of awkwardness and ignorance, and no reflection of you and your life.

I’m glad you have two friends that you feel comfortable sharing with, and that join your prayers…is there any reason you don’t see them more frequently?

I’m not sure about where you live but near me they have various meetings in many different areas…mornings, evenings and even online meetings ( like you I really am not a fan of driving in the dark). Also you can be aligned a sponsor if you would like and this person usually is someone who’s situation is very similar to yours, and ye can keep in contact through texts and phone calls,(which are so handy/no allocated times)

This site is absolutely a godsend filled with real life angels

 

[Copabanana]

I hope, (for your sake, not theirs) that you can extend forgiveness. They're the ones who are missing out---they're missing out on the blessing of helping to lighten the burden of someone they supposedly care for.

Hi Beta
It would be a miracle if we lived close, all of us. But you know what? I know that there must people with big, loving hearts nearby me. I think I must have looked for a certain type of person, in the past.. Perhaps self-centeredness was what i felt comfortable, safest with. I could guard my own heart.

I do extend forgiveness. I do accept people as they are. But there are moments I slip. I think when I wrote that post, I just felt so strongly you deserved that casserole. I got mad.

I do believe, though, that service, giving, kindness without wanting or needing or looking for anything in return is not so prevalent in our society. We have to look for it. And cultivate and cherish it. And I believe I will do just that. Going forward.

Thank you so much.