2025

[newstart]

We are climbing into a new year quickly. I am grateful that we had a less stressful year this year. By no means do I mean a smooth sailing year, I mean a less stressful than the year before. I am still getting lied to. I have decided to not say anything and just stare at my daughter. If I call her out on her lies that is when things go bad really fast. Just staring at her kind of makes things smooth out quicker and sometimes she even back tracks to make things right. The last time she went horribly manic is when she was trying to date a guy. Having an on going relationship with a man keeps her in high mania. My daughter has been keeping up with her bills (knock on wood) and keeping a steady job and a few side jobs. Her house is better kept, (still not near what I think is clean) but for her ok. As long as she does not have a relationship with a man she does well. I would love for her to find a partner that can help her feel calm.
I am saying a prayer of gratitude that I have seen somewhat of an improvement. By no means am I saying it has been easy! When my daughter now age 42 goes off track it hurts me deeply.
My husband and I stay busy, almost too busy. Hopefully we can slow down a bit. This coming year my son would have been 44. He has been gone now 30 years and I miss him more than ever. His death never gets easier maybe a bit softer but always painful.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a blessed and easier New Year. Welcome 2025, Let the party begin.

 

[Nandina]

Thank you newstart for the Christmas and New Year wishes. It’s good to hear some positive news about your daughter even though they are small steps. Every little bit is encouraging so keep those prayers of gratitude coming. I love your techniques for dealing with your daughter when she lies. I don’t know if I could keep a straight face though, so kudos to you!

I am deeply sorry to know that your son’s death has not gotten any easier after 30 years. I, too, lost my son but very recently. December 20 was the first anniversary of his death due to drugs. (meth was laced with fentanyl)

When that day came this week I thought I could go about my day normally and had appointments I intended to keep but once the tears began flowing that morning, I knew I would be too emotional so I canceled everything and stayed home and just sat with my feelings for awhile. I’m ok now but I imagine it will take some time, if ever, before I can get through any Christmas season without feeling some level of grief.

Unlike you, I will not have more than 30 years of life to live and deal with the grief before I will be reunited with him in the afterlife. I am in the golden years already. And I am sorry you missed so much life with him as he apparently passed while in his teens.

I am still able to find some moments of joy in my life and when they appear, I am grateful. Sometimes you have to look for them. And when the tears come, I live with them for awhile and move on because I still have other family members who need me and I know my son would not want me to suffer.

I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and honor your son at this time when all around us are festivities and celebrations. There will be time for those. Thank you, again, for your kind wishes for the New Year and I wish the same to you and yours.

Sending love and hugs, Nandina

 

[newstart]

Dearest Nandina, I am so deeply sorry to hear you lost your son. My heart, compassion and understanding are all with you.
It is truly a hard road. The times my daughter was off track felt like a death to me. In some ways it was even harder because she was alive and being so disrespectful to the life she was given.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. We had a nice celebration but of course my mind is with my son.
My son loved Christmas and loved helping us decorate. It took a long time after he died that I could put up a tree. 7 years!

My prayer for you is deep peace of mind as you go through this very hard and wicked grief journey.

Love, New Start

 

[Beta]

I'm sorry for both of you in the loss of your sons. Living with grief and not allowing to destroy your life is a challenge I am learning about, although our son, as far as I know, is still alive. The holidays and birthdays are the hardest days of the year to get through, and I'm sorry for the hurt in your hearts and the many tears. God's blessing and peace be upon you both.

 

[Nandina]

Thank you Beta. I have come to the conclusion that grief is grief, the only difference being some of you are grieving children who are still living. My counselor used to tell me when my son was alive that I was grieving him. The tears, the sadness, the pain—we all endure it.

I pray that your son will make contact with you at some point and ease your aching heart. If only they knew how much they hurt us, if only they cared. That is the scourge of drugs. There is not one thing or one person more important to an addict, not even their own life.

I hope that a kind police officer or social service person will look out for your son. And I believe they probably are. The fact that he is not in a cold climate is a good thing if there is a good thing to be found in his situation. I always worried more about my son when the cold weather set in. Especially when he chose to live on the street rather than seek shelter somewhere.

Continued prayers, Beta. And many thoughts of peace and comfort to you as well.

 

[Beta]

Thank you Beta. I have come to the conclusion that grief is grief, the only difference being some of you are grieving children who are still living. My counselor used to tell me when my son was alive that I was grieving him. The tears, the sadness, the pain—we all endure it.

I pray that your son will make contact with you at some point and ease your aching heart. If only they knew how much they hurt us, if only they cared. That is the scourge of drugs. There is not one thing or one person more important to an addict, not even their own life.

I hope that a kind police officer or social service person will look out for your son. And I believe they probably are. The fact that he is not in a cold climate is a good thing if there is a good thing to be found in his situation. I always worried more about my son when the cold weather set in. Especially when he chose to live on the street rather than seek shelter somewhere.

Continued prayers, Beta. And many thoughts of peace and comfort to you as well.

Thank you Nandina. I can't tell you how much I appreciate people's prayers right now. I'm thinking I'm going to re-post Josh's picture (taken by a police officer a year ago when he was shoplifting) on some FB pages I posted on last summer and ask people to keep a lookout for him and if seen, encourage him to contact us or get help--anything. I feel I need to do something--anything.

It's hard to understand the mindset of an addict, but what you said about they're not caring for anyone, even their own life, helps to put it in perspective a little bit.

 

[Nandina]

Beta, On re-reading my post, I feel I left out something. Deep down I know your son loves you and knows that you raised him well but when drugs enter the picture, they do such an incredible (and horrible) job of taking over the personality and in some cases, even the body of the user. Those loving kids we raised cannot be “accessed“ (for lack of a better word) anymore, at least when they are in the throes of it.

I saw it in my own son when meth entered the picture. I could not believe the transformation in both his looks and personality. It helped me to keep telling myself that it was the drugs talking, not my loving son.

I wish I was younger and I could go to schools and talk to kids about what drugs will really do to them if they choose to take them and use my own experience with my son as an example. I would honestly tell them everything from they will lose the light in their eyes—to not caring about how they act, how they look, their hygiene, and in some cases, whether they even stay alive. I would tell them they will become a prisoner to the drug. Nothing will ever be the same as that first high, and they will forever be chasing it until, at some point, the drug ”owns” them.

Who knows if it would do any good, but if I could save one kid…Popular culture and Hollywood have glamorized drug use. Believe me, there is nothing glamorous about it.

I don’t mean to take over your thread here, Beta. I think getting in touch with the authorities in Phoenix is a good idea and perhaps someone will see him and can give you information about him even if he chooses not to call. I pray that he will find a moment of clarity to make the decision to call you. Many hugs.

 

[Nomad]

How wonderful that you had a less stressful year. I too would call that as a GOOD THING!

I am in a state of shock, as for the first time since childhood...and after three years of not seeing her at ALL for xmas (our choice due to chaos), we had a nice Christmas with our adult "special needs" child.

Does anyone remember the former owner, Fran? She sometimes spoke of the "carrot and stick" approach. This is what we ended up using. IT was not planned as such...but in retrospect, that is what we did. It worked well. Whatever the case might be, I am most grateful and her exhibiting self control (for whatever reason) was a VERY good thing.

Blessings to all for a good year.

 

[Beta]

Thank you Nandina. Just realized I never replied to your post, even though I read it. I try to remind myself that he is not himself any longer because of the drug. I wonder if the Josh I loved and raised is even still "in there." I'm afraid that the combination of mental illness, drugs, and homelessness have erased who he was.

 

[Copabanana]

I wonder if the Josh I loved and raised is even still "in there." I'm afraid that the combination of mental illness, drugs, and homelessness have erased who he was.

Hi Beta (and Nandina and everybody). I fear this for my Joseph, as well. I don't know what else to write, except "you're not alone." In none of this are you alone.

But you know what? A feeling is not a fact. None of us control reality or the future or anything else. Much less do our feelings make something real.