21 year old son in and out of house

[youngmomwithadultson]

I wanted to write an update that i'm struggling again with my son. I've laid out some boundaries and I know i'll stick to them. I've set the dates and I've set my house rules. The manipulation that comes when I speak to him doesn't end and I fall into it and I fall into the depression that comes with it. I'm coming back here to reset my thinking and i'm using the tools I have found. I know I can not be an enabler. I'm really glad I came here tonight. I don't know how I get reprogrammed into old thinking. Its old habits I guess. Does anyone get stuck in a merry go round, loop de loop argument when trying to enforce your detachment principals? I could really use some tips there. Should I not have conversations at all? where am I going wrong? I need a wake up call because i'm not seeing things clearly again.

 

[Childofmine]

Absolutely, all the time. Our neural pathways in our brains are programmed to take care of our children. We have done it from the beginning, and it's very difficult to start the process of stopping. And then, once you start the process, it's very difficult to keep it constantly on a forward path.

In fact, it's impossible.

So that is completely okay, young mom. You are not going to do "this" perfectly. You are going to make mistakes.

Let a few things be your guiding principles:

1. Am I about to do something for him that he should do for himself?
2. Am I being reasonable?
3. Do I resent what I am about to do?
4. If I am confused, I will wait. I will say this: If you need a decision right now, the decision is no.
5. I will work hard to keep it simple.
6. I will work on MYSELF, using the tools I assemble, every single day. I will meditate, pray, exercise, write a gratitude list, go to a 12 step meeting, read books like CoDependent No More, write down my thoughts in a journal, write and read on this board, buy some flowers for the kitchen table, bake a pie, dig weeds out of the yard, have lunch with a friend, go for a walk, sit on the front porch and watch the sunset. I will take care of me. I will do at least one nice thing for me every single day. I will do one thing different every single day. This way, doing all of this, I will start to change my neural pathways toward healthier behaviors for myself, my relationship with my son, and all of my relationships.

You are not going wrong. You are on the toughest journey of your entire life. Be kind and gentle with yourself. There is nothing you will do that is the "one fatal wrong mistake".

Keep sharing here. It will help. We get it. We really do.

 

[Childofmine]

one more thing:

7. You can only do what you can live with.

there is no judgment here. You are right where you need to be, today. You are an adult and you have every right to make your own decisions, regardless of what anybody else---and that includes all of us on this board---think.

 

[Echolette]

don't know how I get reprogrammed into old thinking. Its old habits I guess. Does anyone get stuck in a merry go round, loop de loop argument when trying to enforce your detachment principals?

Oh honey. Yes, it happens to all of us, even the most seasoned warriors, all the time. It is the subject of many posts, and when it happens we circle the wagons and hold each other up. This is why 12 step programs are for life...because everyone has periods of uncertainty, everyone is drawn into old habits of response. We learned those responses for a reason, and they come back for a reason too..because somehow at some point they were or are easier for us than a different, healthier response. We are like addicts ourselves that way...when things get hard we fall back on our drug (enabling). And health in all aspects is like that too...it is so much easier to watch TV than go for a run, to eat a big Mac at the drivethrough than make a nourishing meal. The stuff that is good for us can be hard.

And that is why we are here for you and for each other! Cause we know it is hard.

As I read your post I found myself hoping that Child would respond...her toolbox for not falling into a morass of self-destructive criticsm and despair, for extricating ourselves when we engage with our difficult children unwillingly or by accident, is wonderful. I see she did...so read her post, and practice some of the tools.

Keep your distance. Try to keep conversations bland. "i see" "uh huh" "that sounds hard" "oh". Pat yourself on the back when you can stick to those for a whole discussion. Don't answer calls or texts for a few hours...create some space. If he wants to talk say "ok honey, but I can't talk now. Lets walk tomorrow at 5" and get off the phone, or out of the room. Set some parameters that give you space. It will help.

Good luck. Stay in touch. We are here for you.

Echo

 

[wakeupcall]

Sweetie, we all fall down...and get back up. I'm back on this board after being gone for four years or so. We went through a really bad time a few years ago and my difficult child decided to live with his father after our divorce. That hurt, but boy, did it give me some distance and LOTS of eye-opening. I wasn't really enabling him (his father was and is), but he was eating me alive and I could hardly breathe. I couldn't do anything without feeling guilty for some reason or another. Now, he comes to visit (I live 8 miles from him) and asks for money. My new husband helps me see that this is what he's subtly doing, but it's still very difficult for me to not fall into the trap. He's almost nineteen and has been sleeping all day and running the streets all night. Where is he getting the money? Must be from his father, not from me. He got a job about a week ago...so we shall see if it makes a difference. I desperately want to have a relationship with him as an ADULT, not a blood-sucker. Time will tell if he can just stay out of jail long enough.

You have come to a wonderful place. The members here are wonderfully intelligent, caring, and HAVE BEEN THERE! They can help you immensely to be more grounded. We are all glad you are here.

 

[youngmomwithadultson]

I let him convince me again that I need to provide him a place to live and food to eat and that he doesn't need to contribute to that unless he wants to and if I tell him he needs to I'm an awful person. So, now I will use this list of guiding principles and probably cry a lot. Thank you to all of you for being here. Im really thanking God for you today!

 

[BusynMember]

One thing I learned in all my dealings with nonsense from my difficult child is, like COM, to ask myself questions. Hers are great. I have a few myself.

1/Am I helping him if I do what he tells me to do just because, like every difficult child far and wide, he calls me an awful mother? Is his thinking clear? Was I awful? Or is he just not getting his way so he is SAYING I'm awful...two different things.
2/Will what he wants and my giving into him help him become the man he must become in order to function?
3/Is my guilt over him rational?
4/Must I talk to him when he calls or texts me?
5/Would I be happier if I did not become involved with his drama?
6/Are relatives making me feel badly? If so, do I really need to listen to people who don't understand? Would I maybe be happier if I slow down my relationships with all toxic people in my life? Is it possible that my detractors are wrong?
7/In my heart of hearts, do I still feel I can fix him if I do what he asks me to?
8/If he weren't my son would I allow him to talk to me this way or would I listen to the person's demands?
9/Right now, this minute (and it could change) do I really like to be around my son?
10/If he were not related to me or if a friend or spouse were treating me this way, would I tolerate it?

Sometimes we do what others badger us to do or they reject us. Nobody likes to be rejected so that just adds to the pressure. We can learn to take what is helpful from others and leave the rest. We have the right to tell other people, "You know, I will be happy to talk to you, but the topic of difficult child is off limits and if you continue to discuss him, I will gently hang up/leave/wait until a day when you don't feel like discussing him." I have done this. If you stick to it, it works well.

Tips: Refrain from answering texts right away or even reading them right away. When was the last time he texted you just to ask how you are doing? In a healthy mother/son relationship between two adults the adult child truly cares about the parent and asks over his/her well being. When was the last time he taliked to you without accusation and demands for money/housing? Do you have any sort of relationship with him that does not include what you can give him? It makes one think.

Do not allow your difficult child to spoil you mentally, physically, or spiritually. Don't let him be the vampire that devours your soul. You deserve a good life without taking care of him as if you were still his "little boy mommy." He is an adult now and, even if he doesn't act like it, he has to grow up sometime or he'll end up in trouble with the law, which can not be blackmailed or guilted into treating him one year younger than his age.

You can't live forever.

You deserve a great rest-of-your-life and none of us signed up to "mommy" our adult children. We taught them all they needed to know to do well and they are choosing to reject our good advice and our good parenting. Yes, you were a good parent to him. That he doesn't choose to act as you taught him is on him, not on you. You have a nice, serene night and think over what YOU want to do. You have the right to change your mind at any time. And you don't owe difficult child any explanations. Your home should be your sanctuary.

Hugs for your hurting heart. It is very hard to take this walk, but all of us must or have.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

MWM told me to do something nice for myself and I can't figure out what that is YET lol but as soon as I do.. i'm gonna do that so hard..

I love this.

:0)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

I let him convince me again that I need to provide him a place to live and food to eat and that he doesn't need to contribute to that unless he wants to and if I tell him he needs to I'm an awful person.

Our kids are masters at doing this and we excel at allowing it.........it's a part of the parent/child dilemma we all seem to get stuck in as we learn to let go.............it's the middle part where we're all trying on our new roles and trying to figure out exactly what our responsibility is towards these characters we call our difficult child's. It's hard! And, our kids know all the buttons to push to keep us in line!

You've gotten great advice YM. I'd add to do your level best to let go of guilt, that parental guilt that's filled with SHOULDS, we should have known how to fix this, we should be able to make this better, if we had only been a better parent this wouldn't have happened.........try to remember that this is what it is, we didn't cause it, we can't control it........now we have to learn to accept it. Not accept his behavior, but accept that we are powerless to change anything, that we have no control over another persons choices.

For me it helped to begin to place my focus on myself. When we have troubled kids, we slowly but surely put all of our attention on them and we begin to forget how to care for ourselves. It somehow seems natural and right to do this. However, what it really does is exhaust us, deplete us, drain us and bring on resentments and frustrations, angers and hopelessness. Begin to ask yourself, what is it that I WANT. What is it that I NEED. What am I WILLING to do, what am I NOT willing to do. What makes me happy. What can I do today to make myself feel GOOD.

Along with learning to detach from our kids, learning to put ourselves first, to make ourselves the priority, to learn that our needs and wants are valuable and appropriate is a very important and essential part of this journey. If you can make that shift for yourself, the rest of the path will become a lot easier for you. You will look upon all of it with different eyes, eyes that see the truth and value your well being.

YM it will help us if you can put a signature at the bottom of your post. Look on the upper right hand corner and click on your screen name, click on signature, write it and SAVE it. That way we can recall your story, the pertinent facts so we can remember and respond accordingly.

Stay close YM, we'll circle our wagons around you and do our best to support you as you walk along this shaky ground.........

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

These are two of the most helpful phrases I have ever learned. They are simple, easy to remember, and switch responsibility for the other person's state of mind back to them:

What do you mean?

Oh, that's too bad, honey. What are you going to do?

The first phrase is especially helpful in verbally abusive situations. As I began using it, I realized it was my own self talk that was weakening and confusing me. When I would ask that question, the person accusing me of whatever it was would give an explanation so patently ridiculous that it would snap me right out of the FOG Recovering posted about earlier on this thread.

That concept, FOG, is essential for each parent in our positions to understand. Composed of guilt, shame, anger, shock, and mother love, it leaves us vulnerable, makes us numb. We respond out of a kind of blind instinct to protect, when what we need to do is step away so the kids can take on the painful consequences of their choices that will turn them into adults.

FOG.

When it happens to me, there is nothing I can do. That state of mind lasts as long as it lasts. What I CAN do is recognize it. If I know where I am, I can get my feet under me and stand up.

I can repeat the phrases I posted for you above to give myself time.

Parenting an addicted or self destructive child of whatever age tears the heart out of us. Recovering from the hurt of it requires that we acknowledge the truth -- that our child is self destructing and our determination to help them, to change the paths they've chosen, is the fuel enabling them to ride that downward spiral harder and faster. Once we truly get that, we have no choice but to make another choice.

Detachment parenting doesn't mean we are disgusted and leaving the kids to figure it out on their own or die. Detachment parenting has to do with deeply understanding what is happening to our kids -- and why -- and changing our responses. We begin to use words and actions and phrases that will give them back responsibility for their own lives.

There is no other way for any of us to grow up, to become mature adults, than that.

Our kids are in bad trouble. If kindness and coddling and money, money, money worked, they would be the healthy, high functioning adults we were so sure we were raising, before everything went so wrong.

***

I also wanted to tell you that my husband and I were never divorced. We had enough money, lived in the suburbs in a house we built with apple orchards and a swimming pool.

I was a mom at home.

PTA

Cub Scout Den leader

Brownie and then, Girl Scout leader.

Great Books instructor.

It was an Italian family, for Heaven's sake!

And yet.

And yet...one of my children developed or was born with a mental illness that we refused to believe in, and our son began using drugs.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU AND YOUR SON HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DIVORCE, AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIS DRUG USE.

This is true.

For so much of my life, I condemned myself for what was happening to all of us.

But I was wrong to do that.

Standing up, refusing to enable when I can catch myself at it, telling the kids all the time that I am learning to see things differently and am not going to rescue...that is working.

That is actually helping my kids.

But it's really a hard thing to do, because I have to take the risk that they will die.

But what kind of life would it be, never to claim the right of self determination, always and forever begging and justifying our begging to our own parents?

Better to go hungry, to sleep on the streets, than to do that to our kids.

Glad you are here with us.

:0)

I am blown away by how quickly you are getting the concepts and making those first efforts toward changing things for the better for yourself and your child.

It took me forever.

Good job!

Cedar

 

[youngmomwithadultson]

The first thing that caught me and really stuck and brought me out of the dark place was, do not allow him to be the vampire that devours my soul. I have been grasping for anything to keep me from losing myself. I don't know who I am.. what do I want, what do I need. The most basic things that I used to think I had a good grasp on. In all of the conflicts and all of the anxiety and misery of the daily things that everyone seems to go through, I'm losing myself. I'm losing my soul as if he's the vampire sucking it out of me consuming my every thought. I can't think of anything else eventhough I know better. I can't even eat and some days I don't. So, I can't let this happen. I've just gotta do something to not let this happen. Right now, all that helps is to read and re read the detachment posts and the replies you have posted with the questions to ask myself. So, if you are wondering about my response and what I am doing, its that. I'm going over it, over and over as a coping skill to not lose it.. to not lose ME. I feel like I barely have anything left. I'm gonna take my little flicker of light and see what I can make happen and keep re reading your posts.

 

[recoveringenabler]

YM, what you are referring to is a lot more common then you might think. Losing ourselves in the way you are describing is a hallmark of codependency, external focus to the almost complete avoidance of the care of the SELF. Little by little we lose ourselves to the care of another or the care of others.

Recovery from Codependency is a process of learning to put the focus on ourselves, learning to love ourselves, accept ourselves and honor ourselves. Often the beginning of our healing happens when we become so depleted, exhausted and drained that we begin to wake up to the fact that life isn't supposed to be this way.

You might want to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. CoDa 12 step groups or any 12 step group can be very helpful. Private therapy, counseling or a parent group would be helpful as well.

We recover slowly, in a step by step process where we put our needs and wants FIRST. I found professional help to be extremely beneficial. In addition to learning tools to change your responses to your son, and to put yourself as a priority, you will begin to feel a lot better about yourself and about your own life, you will begin to thrive as opposed to simply surviving.

Most of us here are in varying stages of this process of healing, recovering, detaching, learning and growing. We support each other in finding ourselves amidst the maze of chaos and uncertainty our kids bring into our lives. You're not alone YM, keep posting, it helps a lot.