25 year old and 30 year old boys still at home.

[Tiredof33]

Giulia,
I admire you for knowing you needed treatment, finding it, and taking your medications. You will read about that problem a lot on our forum.

Many of us (including me) are trying to get our adult children treatment. Here in the US, in most states, 18 is the legal age, after that the parents have zero say in what they do unless they consent. Very frustrating when we suspect mental illness, or emotional illness.

Thank you for posting, it is so nice to hear the other side of the story!! If we sound mean it is not our intention, we are so frustrated and most of us have tried everything we can to get our children on a better path. I have spent so much money trying to help my 33 yo son and yet he still may be living on the streets! I tried for 8 years to conceive this child and his choices break my heart. This is my only son, yet if he continues his life in this direction I can not bear it. It is the hardest thing in the world for a mother to not know if her child has food and shelter. But all of the experts say they have to learn for themselves, we are only hurting them if we do not let them go. I pray they are correct, but nothing else has helped! I try daily to turn his life over to a Higher Power.

We came to this forum because we are in great pain and we can honestly post here and the members share our pain and give honest support. When you read our posts you can feel the pain and turmoil in our lives. We post here because we love them so much, if we di not love so much we would not care what happens in their lives.

Please keep posting and let us know about your life.
(((blessings for us all)

 

[Giulia]

Tired,
I didn't say you don't have to be honest or such.

Well, when all the hell started, I desperately wanted some help. Medicines were and are still the small price to pay. I had to oppose myself from my dad, because he chose and still chooses to self medicate. I didn't absolutely make this choice.
The problem was getting the appropriate help. I think that without my mom, I would be dead now (no exaggeration).

What helped me most to stick on my medicines was comparing all this to a somatic illness. If I were having diabetes, asthma, or whatever you want, no one would wonder twice if medicines are needed or not.
Same with ADHD or any mental illness.
It was the simplest yet the most helpful path to make me buy it. It may not work for everyone, but it's a solution we don't always think about when it deals to convince someone to take neuropsychologist medications.

What I also warn is being careful about generalizing one experience to everyone with the same problem.
That is completely different from telling that "you don't have to give support to each other".
I believe that when we speak about our experience, it's much better speaking in our name, as a "I" than making general assumptions whereas exceptions exist.
I am convinced that speaking in the "I" leads to many less misunderstandings.
I feel more at ease when we can speak from our experience with the "I". I can conceive that it is difficult.
But it can avoid hurt feelings because of a misunderstood detail.
Don't you think so ?

 

[Nancy]

Guilia if you would like to start another thread dealing with your experiences with ADHD I encourage you to do so. Michael is dealing with substance abuse issues and I'm not sure the change in focus here is helpful to him at this point.

I think we all try not to make our experiences fit all. Substance abuse issues tend to follow a pattern and those of us who live with it understand how difficult it is for family members to detach from that behavior and build a life of their own. Let's try to keep Michael's orginal post in mind when we respond.

Nancy

 

[Giulia]

I think we all try not to make our experiences fit all. Substance abuse issues tend to follow a pattern and those of us who live with it understand how difficult it is for family members to detach from that behavior and build a life of their own. Let's try to keep Michael's orginal post in mind when we respond.

Ok Nancy. I've heard what you say.

Just tell me where can I open my own topic, or if there is a topic I can continue because it fits with what I have to say.

I don't know then why I had the feeling on "try an experience to fit all". I preferred to clarify it.

 

[Nancy]

Giulia you can start a new thread by going to the forum that best fits that topic and finding the link that says Start New Topic at the top left.

Perhaps the General Forum would be best to discuss ADHD issues.

Nancy

 

[Giulia]

Thank you for your help, Nancy.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning Michael.
I am glad you found us and very, very sorry for what is going on in your life. I think you've gotten some wonderful advice from the remarkable warrior parents who inhabit this site, I know they came to my aid when I needed it most. Sometimes we all just get stuck someplace and need others to let us know what is really going on and give us options to change it. Keep posting and really try to get yourself and your wife some support, either in a group as others have mentioned, Alanon or CoDa, or therapy to help you understand the issues you're facing and to get tools to help you to change it.

I understand from a personal standpoint how difficult life is when you begin it with parents who are alcoholic and/or mentally ill. I am the oldest of 5 with parents who were not able to be effective parents because of their mental illnesses. Two out of four of my siblings inherited the illness as did my daughter. It has been a very long road for me. How I raised my daughter given my upbringing was to try to do the opposite, and what I did was I enabled her. It's taken me a long time to understand all of it, but suffice to say, I had to learn to disengage, detach and make some really difficult choices, as I think many of us on this site have had to do.

My difficult child (gift from God, as we call our kids here) is 39 and thankfully does not live with me. Your sons, as others have said, need to be on their own. It is absolutely not okay for them to abuse you, disrespect you and allow you to support them. This is not right. You cannot change them but you can change your own choices and learn to set strict boundaries so that you can be free to live the life you deserve to live. For me, as someone who grew up in a similar way, it is easy to "get used to" and adapt to a horrible situation because you lived it as a kid and it's familiar. You need to know that you can and should find a way to shift this situation so that you are free from this burden and free from the tyranny of your sons choices and lifestyle. You do not deserve this and you have the power to change it. AND, you may need help to do it. For me? That help came with therapy, folks trained to see what the issues are, educated to know how to help to heal them and give you tools to change it. Others here have their opinions as to solutions for you, which are equally as valid and helpful. Read through the options here, read books, use your gut feelings to choose the road best suited for you and your wife and then go for it. Our children do not have a right to hurt us and as someone else has said, hold us hostage in our own homes. It is time to let them go into their own lives.

Please seek out help Michael. Take it from someone who has lived in the h-ll you speak about, you can change it, you can make it different, you can feel good about yourself and you can be happy. One step at a time. We are all here with you, you are not alone. You have a whole tribe of parents here who know how you feel. We're circling the wagons around you so that you can take a deep breath, be open to the help that's there for you, and proceed with new tools to set you free. God bless you...............