34 year old son is killing my soul

[Copabanana]

I had hoped she and my Boxer became friends

I can't believe I missed your thread last year. I'm a Boxer person too! For 30 years. Our Dolly died in January. All of us are still mourning her. And we got kitties too!! Two. They are half siblings. Adopted from feral parents. They go next week for their babymaker operations.

I am glad you're back, even though I don't remember you from last year. I will make up for last time. But I am tired now.

I want to say just a couple of quick things.

First, I agree with the poster above (I forget who, I will go check) about how you write. Heartfelt. You bring yourself and your world to wonderful life.

I want to say, too, what a wonderful role model you are. For anybody. How you feel and seek joy and love where you can find it. How you create beauty and bliss. Through your appreciation of what you have, and how you seek to create happiness: picnics, kites, Boxer-slobber, the deer and the owl, your mean parrot. Let alone your parents, and soulmate. Your deliberate choice to not listen to his lying mouth, in order to see his soul through his beautiful eyes. You are a beautiful person.What a rich life.

I am not trivializing the pain. How could I?

I am thinking now of a story I am familiar with. One way I have dealt with my own pain of the past 6 years (unfortunately) through compulsive shopping on the internet. I went through a scarf phase. And because I wanted to feel I had value, I bought a few Hermes scarves (used) on ebay. All ugly. But there were some beautiful ones that I didn't buy. I am thinking about the ones by a man of Hispanic-Native heritage. who lives in Texas. Kermit Oliver is his name. An artist. His scarves are full of cacti, Indians, Cowboys, Conquistadores, etc. And they are just so beautiful. His son was killed. I am remembering that it was by the police. I will go back and try to remember again the story. I so so wanted one of his scarves. But they cost, even used, like $400.00 minimum. So. Why am I mentioning this man?

Well. First is because there are so many of us living this hell. And so many of us having to live our best lives in these circumstances. As you are doing.

I was so taken by this man. In pictures, in his studio, in his home, with his wife, he seemed like you. He stood tall. Proud. Deep. Sad. Dignified. Angry. Gentle. Loving. Grieving. Whole.

Nobody gets out of this life alive. I heard last night something that touched me. (In a spiritual class on trauma, in my faith tradition.) I will write it verbatim for you here.
It's called Tikkun Nefesh. Repair of the soul.

Here it is: For all of the thousands of years that humans have existed, every single person has had a unique soul. What this means is that each of us has a unique puzzle piece spiritually, to repair the world. Each of us has a sacred purpose, some change we have to do in our lives. And this is our secret code.

What is our soul requiring of us, before we die, that thing that our soul requires of us to have done, in order to let go when it is time for our bodies to die? So, I can let go of this life, because I have become who I was meant to become. Our life purpose according to this way of thinking is to discover who we are and become that person. The person that our soul needs us to be.

I want to tell you how glad I am to have read your thread, and how glad I feel that you came back. Between last year and now it seems like you got a new puppy! Last year you were sad, and still not ready. Please tell us more about him! And the kitty!

PS I tried to attach a few pictures of scarves but I couldn't figure out how. There are many, many on google images, (and pictures of Kermit, too) and they are quite beautiful.

 

[beebz]

Sooo, welllll, ummmmm, yeah. Just plain ole feeling down and out. Every weekend I share my granddaughters with the other grand.ma.ma and every holiday and otherwise day off of school etc. Lately I have been letting Daddy/their father/my son visit with them throughout the weekend. Its for the girls. Sunday night I drop everyone back off . I cannot drop my son off anymore because I become hysterical sobbing groaning praying- and it lasts for several days. I now have my husband drop him off, into nothingness, on a corner, in a park, with no winter clothing, no undergarments. In the past when I drove away, I could not look in the rear view mirror but I would feel this huge hole open up in my back that was a horrific feeling of dread on how I could do this to another human let alone my own son; especially in the winter cold. Its no wonder I don't get pulled over for my loud sobbing and flooding tears. Then for the next 3 days I cry at the drop of a hat. So, I don't do it anymore.
This past weekend I took the kids back to the other grannies, hubby dropped off our son and we met at home. Hubby then went out of town and I have been in my recliner since Sunday eve. I don't want to move. I recover I guess, from the weekend whirlwind - but am overwhelmed with grief and a bundle of nerves. The girls have lice, again, and I think my son was high when he was here. His visits usually go well for the most part. But then again, who am I fooling other than myself. Thing is, I don't know. I don't know anything for sure other than he is still homeless, still not a mature man, a working man or a provider for his girls.
I must say, right now I feel like I am rambling and going in circles. I also feel like my head is moving with lice. I've been checked 8x's and nothing is found ever, but this is just one more thing I don't need.
COPABANANA - I also dropped my Boxer off at the dog academy Sunday for stage one in training. I cannot believe how bad I miss him right now. I still have another doggie and a kitty here with me right now; but mercy me - I miss my boxer so bad - like the detachment is killing me. I am actually rather surprised that I feel this way. He is a very brilliant dog who goes by hand signals on many commands, but in public, when we arrive at a park, he exits the vehicle barking non-stop and acting like he will kill everything and anything in sight. Its almost like he is hallucinating. After the initial freak out session - he does fine with every other dog, cat and human. But the exit and arrival of anything or anyone takes him 30 minutes to settle down. During that 30 minutes he appears to be a rabid dangerous animal. Those habits are why he is in training right now.
My homeless son did 10 days in jail recently and supposedly that woke him up. I don't know if he made any progress since then and I can't ask anymore because I can't handle it. Progress would be identification, license, apartment, well of course a job, sobriety, drug testing etc. I'll believe it when I see it. He did say to me that he expects to have his girls under a roof with him by Dec 1 of this year. I can only pray to God that this happens.
We have agreed to let him come here on weekends for the sake of the girls; my husband doesn't agree but thats just the way it is. Even though my son knows he can come here, he texts me on a friday to make sure I have the girls. I keep re-reading the text over and over, he talks so sweet and lovingly . Last Fridays text said "hi momma. Girls? This weekend? Whats the word? Am I allowed to attend? Just let me know something". Another text earlier in the week which was very long; he goes to the library and uses a computer as a phone/text/message and there were several long messages but one part of one of them said "I can't believe what I have done. I am everything that I swore I would never be. How did this happen? I think about them every minute. I can't function. I can't believe how much time has went by. How could this happen? What have I become"?
Yep, I just encourage him to succeed this time. Thats all I can do. Sometimes our conversations go nowhere because I can't handle it, the talking, the thinking, the repeating. I said to him in a text, "I can't handle this" to which he replied "you should be in my shoes" - those last two statements cannot even be a conversation, it'll just go round and round and round. My health nerves heart and emotions have suffered. This is not about me, but then again, it is, it affects all of us. I don't want to say "me me me me" when I am with my son, and NO, I cannot imagine being in his shoes; I wish it was as easy as just saying, STOP, stop hurting me and your daughters.

The wife is still missing. This is the longest no one has seen her. She manages to shack up with men, any men or man. Just sickening. Her daughters don't even ask about her, ever.
I sure hope my sons thoughts come to fruition and they're not just pipe dreams. They are in fact hopes and dream; but the hopes and dreams of an addict are the most difficult things in the world to attain.

Believe it or not, past Saturday I went to the park, hiked trails up and down with our new artisan walking sticks. It was dang cold but the body felt good to get the blood flowing. I saw an awesome climbing tree and got the girls up in it for great photos, and a nice lake breeze came in steady enough for me to get two kites up at the same time. I like teaching my granddaughters all the things I did growing up in the 60's. Outdoors, physical activity, no gadgets, no phones, no tablets, just our arms and legs, trees, woods, hills, bicycles, skinned knees. We were arriving at the lake, the same lake we've been to a hundred times, and I guess due to the leaves being mostly blown off, I yelled with excitement, "oh wow !!!! Look at that good climbing tree" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids were thrilled and so was I.

Well, thats all folks.
Be well - ~beebz

 

[Crayola13]

It sounds like your granddaughters are doing as well as possible under the circumstances. It also sounds like you and their other grandma are doing a great job taking care of them.

 

[WiseChoices]

Beebz, my heart goes out to you. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to see your son suffering so much. I am glad you decided not to drop off him anymore and have reduced some of your deeply held grief this way.

Does he know about AA/NA ? When you get his messages where he feels bad, that is a good time to mention those programs because he can find help there for his addiction. He can't beat his addiction on his own. That is very unlikely. The remedy for shame (which he expresses) is compassion.

I will keep you, your son , his wife and the girls in my prayers.

 

[MissLulu]

Beebz, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have your son return to the streets each week. What an awesome grandmother and mother you are. You are doing so much to make sure those girls are growing up well and you’re helping to keep their relationship with their father alive. I really admire you.

Also, just wanted to let you know I am a boxer mum (mom?!) too! I have a six year old girl, who is the light of my life!

 

[beebz]

I cried out to a higher power yesterday that enough is enough. I cannot take any more pain, stress, sorrow, soul searching, abuse, torture, heartache, visual horror and things that in my 58 years have never even seen in a best written script in the movies. This is real life. Movies are fake bullsh**.

As usual, I have my granddaughters every weekend, and may or may not let their father, my son, come to my home and visit with them. I guess every other time it goes well. I DID have to stop dropping him off into the black hole every Sunday eve because my heart couldn't take it any more. The terrorizing sobbing is going to get me killed while I am trying to drive back home. Last weekend the girls had their first ever breakdown when I was going to return them to their *legal home/address/grandma. The little one yelled and shook in such horror that she started hyperventilating and even spoke of running away. No, no no help, don't make me go, I can't go there anymore, please,. I asked her if anything ever happened to which she replied no, which I believe wholeheartedly. She just prefers it here. They continued to have total melt downs all week long at the other grandma's. When I went to pick them up the next Friday night to bring them back to my home; the other GM(grandma) told me what a perfectly orchestrated machine her and I have been with these girls for over a year and a half now and had zero problems and it seems as tho ever since their dad (my son) has been here every weekend they seem to be melting down and this needs to change. Nothing particular was spoke of but either they won't be able to come here anymore or their dad needs to stay away. I agree; we're both not in our 20's any more to have to deal with this on top of our homeless adult kids.

I knew when my son arrived this weekend for his visit, that I had to have the talk with him about keeping it light. NO talking to the girls about your f*****g pipe dreams. Pi** or get off the pot but keep their dang little minds out of it. Come here and play, giggle, hike, fish, tickle, wrestle, arts and crafts, fun foods, games, bingo, Trouble, scavenger hunts etc but keep your mouth shut otherwise.
Basically as soon as he got in my truck I laid into him to quit making it hard on me and the other GM. There was no perfect time to "have the talk" as my son sees it. We were never allowed to speak without him groaning that we ruined his morning, or ruined his night, or ruined his breakfast or he was having a good day until I spoke or why do I always have to be so negative, or every time you open your mouth its criticism., or really mom, right before bed? or really mom, right when I wake up, or really mom, in the middle of the day when all was going well? f'ing baby - I get so dang mad. I wish he could see his ways. I don't need to explain crapola to you anymore. You ain't here to bully me. The visit ended extremely quickly to where his father dumped him into the abyss in the middle of his visit. Next weekend I pray for strength to NOT let him visit at all.
He nodded frequently when he was here for 18 hours. Not so much in and out but just plain ole out !
He hasn't bathed since he left my home the prior week. Its so gross. How and why? He is trying to tell me he is working but I don't know. I just don't know. I'll believe his life when he proves his daddyhood.
I had to spend the rest of the day trying not to break down in front of the girls because I hurt so deeply no matter what, he is my son and I love him. I was mega thankful when I dropped them off to the other GM's and she had the house blazing Christmas decorations/tree so I could slip out quickly without a prolonged visit and I could fall the hell apart.
I feel like I am out of hope, I feel like I am out of life dreams and am in limbo.
I am in limbo. I told my HB last night that I will never ever get over this and the depth of this pain whether he is dead or alive. I try, Lord knows I try.
It will not get easier, how can it? It can't hurt less - it is what it is - its a living breathing horror show that I am in and have spent the last 19 years trying to get out of. Dropped in the middle of a maze thats a trick, with no way out ! ! !
I want others suffering to know - I understand that we are not supposed to enable, not let them live in our heads rent free, not let them hold us hostage etc. But I can tell you this, for me, and probably millions of others, there really is no way to make this not hurt, and no, sometimes it simply doesn't subside or get better. We just continue to put one foot in front of the other and watch the years go by. Sure, try medication, therapy, alcohol, antidepressants - but know that it is ok to hurt and cry - and frequently needed as possibly sometimes the best therapy - a good cry.
Much love to all of you - ~beebz

 

[RN0441]

Beebz
So sorry that you have had to deal with this for so long. Where do the years go?

I am the same age as you and our son is much younger but has struggled for a very long time. He just seems not to be in a huge rush to "grow up". We are pushing him hard and will not back down. He has to figure this thing called "life" out.

I think you are doing everything you can and doing everything right. I agree that I do not think I'd let your son come over every weekend either. Do the girls see their mother?

Hugs. Tough stuff.

 

[JayPee]

Beebz

I’m so sorry for all you’ve had to endure. Just reading your post made me feel like I’m not sure how you even get through your day.

It’s bad enough as an adult your heart gets ripped out regularly but it’s just not fair for the grands. It’s a two edged sword. They want to see him but the havoc to their hearts is too much. I agree limiting your sons visits is imperative for everyone’s well being. That’s what detachment with love is all about.

I get it completely. You just want him to step up to the plate and get it together.
Easier said than done but YOU must be the change in the situation. You’ve begun that by setting a boundary with him. Stick to it. It is so so very hard at first. For me at times it felt like going back to the old ways was easier than forging through the difficult boundaries I had to set. But it’s not.
Maybe the fact that he’ll get to spend less time with his kids will help motivate him to make some changes. When he’s able to visit without any discomfort to himself, what’s his motivation?
The way I see it is so far he’s made no changes so it’s up to you to be the change.
Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[Triedntrue]

I also agree with your decision to limit his visits.it is never the right time to discuss what they don't want to hear. Are there shelters or ymca or something available where he could get a shower for the sake of his children? I understand what you mean about the pain and sadness seeming to go on forever but that is why you need to try to take more care of you. I told my 37 year old that his life was too chaotic for me and i couldnt be as involved as before. It is time for them to take charge of their lives and us to take charge of ours. I have found that the more i am able to find ways to make him do it and the more time i do things to make me happy the stronger i get. Sometimes for me that meant removing myself for a couple days. I go on trips that take me far enough out of town that i can't come back to help even if i want too. That helps me. You have to find what works for you. I hope you are able to stay strong.

 

[beebz]

I thank each and every one of you for your kind words, encouragement, ideas and compassion to my struggle in this life.

I usually don't go back and re-read my threads, my posts, but I read the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself. Funny thing is, for all of us who are suffering, this condition our adult kids have, tends to repeat itself; which lately, makes me look like I've lost it. I let that boy get in my head with stories and tall tales, excuses and the like of which I've never seen; let it consume me, fell for it/them; believed it; tried to help with some of the circumstances that were made up !!!!! OK, forgive me, I was going to pay someone to get their hands on a laptop that supposedly had some incriminating evidence on it as to why my son left one of his homes 3 or so years ago, blaming it on the owner to make me believe otherwise. ---when the truth was, my son and his wife were hard core addicts. Did I just make any sense? My son knew how to play me better than he could wipe his own hiney.

So, it may be a month but for sure two weekends that I have not let my son in my home to see his girls. The visits were doing more harm than good for their little souls and I did not see any change in the father.

A week or so ago, two weekends ago, before the weekend (lol) I got a call from a number I recognized, it was either the hospital or the police, their numbers are transposed. We all know what that means. I made a huge sigh, and continued doing what I was doing; I ignored it completely. I finally called the hospital and sure enough, my son had been released and wanted me to let him come here to rest. He had a non bacterial sinus issue and felt like he'd been hit in the face with a ball bat and I said NO ! ! !
He said "thanksgiving"? I proceeded to tell him that *I* was sick in the head, I couldn't handle the last 20 years, I cant function lately, I don't want to see the light of day and I will probably go to a Golden Corral buffet for Thanksgiving because I feel like it ! !
He begged to come here and said "I won't bother anyone- just please mom, please"
It killed me, but I knew what I had to do. I said call *John and check in to rehab. If YOU are not on drugs then check in for mental illness because our shelters/centers allow that also. He begged, I said NO, you are killing me, you are killing me ! This is not what my life should be, you and your daughters, where we stand. He said *I know mom, I hurt too* - ugh

So, I won. I didn't win, but I made a big girl move and stuck to my NO.

The next weekend came and I waited for his 3:30 text. I don't wait for it per se, but I know its coming. Every single friday, 3:30 - "do you have the girls mom" and then we decide if he can come here and how he will get here etc. No text.

Next weekend, nothing.

So, I heard a rumor he is on a mattress in the woods. That kills my heartbeat. I open the door to let my pets out and see frost on my deck and cry. Imagine that thought and sight several times a day thinking of that human soul. It makes me the saddest I've ever been in my life. Even in death I've never been this sad.

I don't have my tree up yet for my granddaughters. I can't find the joy.
Two weekends ago the grands gave me and my hubby the flu. There goes a week in bed. The next weekend they are two little snot balls, talking nasally , having bad breath, complaining, looking ill; I thought - "nah", not this weekend. So the plan is for 5 days from today to get the tree up.

I've spent the last very many years of my life never ever thinking of myself. I don't need to think of myself. I get joy thinking and doing for others. It's simply natural. So, its hard to say to my son this last time that lately its all about ME. I replied to him that I was sick in the head, that I can't take anymore, that he changed my life in a horrific way, that I can barely take care of his children, and that I can't imagine being in his shoes nor should I have to ! -- I think that really got to him, for once I let it be all about me and a big "F U" to him basically. -- because I have not heard a peep from him since. I abandoned him in his release from the hospital and that must be freaking him out big time.

Course as the days go by, I just constantly think he's dead, but no no no. I succumb to looking at the papers/courts etc and see he got busted, again, for week and just a few days ago asked for a continuance. So, somehow he's moving on, and if he's cold, tuff crap.

There are a ton of resources available for him here. Maybe this time he'll turn his life around.

I'm having a hell of a time with my granddaughters. They get sick and allergies a LOT ! , and on top of that their aching souls of missing their mom and dad. It shows. We all seem like such a pitiful bunch lately.

Well folks, thank you for caring. I wish you well and I wish your ill children well. Drugs/addiction and homelessness is an illness. ~beebz

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sorry for your hurt and angst but you soooo did the right thing in my opinion! I am sorry, but your grands need to stop seeing him come and go and not get better. Why let him play around with their heads? Why do you think they miss him and Mom? If they have never been there for them,except maybe in chaos, they likely don't miss them. They need stability. Why bring children into his crazy world? Why stay in it yourself?

Drug addiction is a controllable illness. A friend of ours is a heroin addict who has been clean for three decades. Your son is making his own misery. He is no young kid. He needs to get his act together or maybe not see any of you until he does. I don't think the girls should see their addicted father unless he is clean for a long time. He is not really a father in any real sense. Is it you who wants him in their lives? If so, is it because he guilts you? Don't listen to him. Please. Addicts manipulate everyone.

I am sad and sorry that you are hurting. I read many times that nobody outside of us can make us happy. Only we can do that. We need to put ourselves first. Honestly, I thought that this was a very selfish way to think. Put me first? Never!

But when I got to your point of despair, and I did, I finally decided to try putting me first and accepting the hard but true fact that I have no power to fix anybody but me.

My husband and I joined Al Anon AND Nar Anon. We also found a good therapist and both go. We have learned coping skills. Is it not time to seek outside help and support for YOU? It's your time now. You deserve it.

By the way, by sticking up for your needs over a manipulative son who refuses to improve his life, you did win. You had better believe you won. It was a big victory. I hand you a trophy! And a blue ribbon.

Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[JayPee]

Beebz

My heart goes out to you. I feel you did the right thing though. You finally told him how you felt. We so often are walking on egg shells with them. We feel so bad for their unfortunate circumstances. We worry they are cold, sick, hungry and lonely. They know a mother’s heart and they play us like a fiddle.

They very rarely if ever consider what we are going through and we excuse it because we feel their burden is worst than ours. In fact we don’t even want them to worry about us because we don’t want to add more to their misery.

I think when we first start and stick to our boundaries they are shocked and can’t believe we’ll stick to them. They’re so used to being able to manipulate us.

It is hard turning them down when they ask for help and thinking of them cold, hungry, wet or tired can send us into a funk.

It’s really helped me to remember that we can choose our thoughts and that fear is not an emotion but rather a spirit. We need to say positive thoughts and the positive things we say to ourselves will slowly replace the negative fears. Trying to force ourselves to not think of them only puts more focus on them again. Try to write down some go to good thoughts you can say over and over to yourself when you start to feel yourself slipping into the funk. Little by little and with loving detachment for your own self care you will get stronger.

It will never be perfect but all we can strive for is for us to be the change and continue to pray for our adult children and never give up hope.

Sending hugs and prayers

 

[MissLulu]

Beebz, I'm so sorry for your sadness - it's an emotion I understand only too well. For me its like a brick I carry around almost constantly. Occasionally I can put the brick down for an hour or two (when I'm distracted doing something with friends, for instance) but that weight seems to always waiting for me to pick up again. I hope for you (and for me) that the holidays bring some happy times with your loved ones and that you are able to put down your burden for a while and enjoy yourself. I think the holidays can make everything worse in that there's so much joy around us it can make our own suffering seem more intense. But maybe it doesn't have to be this way. I'm going to work on finding the joy in the season and I hope you can find some too. Hugs xx

 

[WiseChoices]

It sounds like you are letting your anger carry you more so than your sadness , and that feels better. Anger holds a lot of power in it when we use it as it was intended to . And you did that. You told him the truth. And he knows it . It is honestly the best thing you can do for him. He has to come to the end of himself. He has to hit bottom, be out of options for him to surrender. Surrender to the fact that he is an addict, that he is powerless over alcohol and drugs and that he can have a better life if he wants it. The rooms of AA and NA are full of people like your son who have chosen a better life and who have stayed clean for decades. I know many people with well over 30 years clean. So you gave your son the best gift you could have given him: honesty, love , and a power of example how to take care of oneself.

Putting ourselves first is NOT selfish. It is humble. It is being in a Higher Power's will. NOBODY is going to take care of us . It is our job. The Higher Power handles the big stuff and I get to handle the day by day taking care of me stuff. And if the addict does that, they break free from their dependence on a substance, other people, things outside of themselves that don't amount to anything. The substance is just a placeholder for the love and light that we are scared to connect with.

You are doing so much caring for your grands, putting one foot in front of the other, surviving. Good for you to set a boundary, put yourself first, allow yourself the feelings of sadness for the son in whom you will always see so much potential and hope. You are a strong woman modelling for your son and your grands how it is done.

Much love and Christmas blessings to you.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Beebz

I'm sorry how hellishly hard this is. I was writing to a friend, describing how my son had been sleeping on cardboard on a sidewalk behind Starbucks. Can you imagine that something like that has become my reality? My son is actually is living in a home I own. But is it an improvement? No. He's either incapable of changing or unwilling.

I deal with the illness stuff, too. He is back on his antivirals for Hep B. If I kick him out (yet again) he would likely stop the antivirals. There is risk then that the virus will boomerang.

People here know how many times I have a tried. I have never hit bottom. Yet. I can't get to that place where I accept his death, or that he will live forever homeless and vulnerable. I just can't accept that my life has gotten here. I can't yet separate my own life story from his.

The returns clerk at Costco, who I've known a long time, when I asked how she was, answered honestly: There have been so many deaths in my family lately one after another but the one that has gotten to me in a way that I can't handle, is my granddaughter. The woman is a bit older than me. Most likely her granddaughter was in her early twenties. I didn't ask the circumstances. Whatever it was I understood.

Honestly. I don't know how all of us were so stupid to become parents. Never, In my wildest dreams could it have turned out that my beautiful, sweet, beloved son could live this life, become this person. Yesterday he repeatedly used the word coxksucker to me angrily describing a pastor of all people, who runs a service project. A man who he does not know and who he has never met. The least of it is that nobody ever in my whole life has used that word in front of me. But most of all, what could be so terribly wrong with my son that he would degrade himself and his mother with such a word? Where is my bottom? Do I have one? I wonder.

Beebz. I don't mean to hijack your thread. I am sending love and compassion and understanding. I believe you're doing incredibly well in an impossibly heartbreaking turn of events. (I feel for your son, too. He sounds like he has a heart.) Take care.

 

[ChickPea]

I'm a little late to the thread, but Beebz, I wanted to send you hugs and let you know that I hear you.

This is also an incredibly hard time of year. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle.

We have so much going on that doesn't even include my Daughter that I stuck to very simple decorations this year. It makes me sad because I like looking around and seeing a very festive home, but I don't have the strength to do more, and I surely don't want to take it down.

This is the first year in my adult home where we didn't have a real tree. It's artificial and it's 24 inches tall from the thrift store. I'm almost laughing as I type it. Laugh so I don't cry, I guess.

Big hugs to you.

 

[JMom]

As I write this I am shaking, I vomited in my mouth (sorry for all this information), I feel like I can't get out of this chair. It is so very cold, windy and snowy outdoors and my son is still homeless.
Thanksgiving sucked - I am glad it is over. This is a hurt like no other. My hands feel weak. This was my first baby boy. ugh - the pain.

I saw a post here, about a woman who bought her son a tent. I seriously considered it. I think constantly about where he is at night in this horrid weather. I can't even get out of bed to wee in the middle of the night without catching a horrible chill and the minute I do, I think of my son who is suffering. I crawl back in bed on my warm pillow and mattress and feel guilty. God this hurts. I never ever ever thought this would be my reality.

No matter what I do and where I go I think of him.

Thank you for listening -

I feel like texting him this:

why why why why why
Its been 7 years since your first daughter was born
You had 7 years to fix this -
You've had 10 chances,bail outs, to fix this.
You've been high for 20 years.
Isn't it time -
You're still young -

 

[JMom]

Beebz,
I am said tent girl. I was nodding in agreement with your post, our stories are very similar. I actually wrote a book about the tent.

My son actually lived on the streets 8 months and got sober on his own. It got worse before it got better. He said he got sober because I wouldn't allow him to see his sisters anymore.

He has his own place and same job for 3 years. Hes 24.

It may not happen for your son, but all things are possible. It got better when I gave it to God. The day I brought the tent, I let go. It was hard to enjoy comforts knowing he didn't have them.

I learned a lot about today's generation of homeless kids. At night they go to game rooms and play slots (they call it pushing buttons). They are usually in a back room of convenience stores. They go to other 24 hour places to stay warm. They are very resourceful and resilient . They are not suffering one-tenth of what we are (were). They beg for money on the corner and get motel rooms to shower and spend the night sometimes and meet people to couch surf.

They actually have friends and a life. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but if you take care of you, then you can stop the rushing around in the mind. I'm sending you love and hugs and prayers.

You didn't cause this, you cant change it and can't control anything but yourself. I'll worry for you this week. You take some time off.

I feel you, I love you and you can detach with love. The tents are $25 at Walmart!

I wrote a book about said tent!

https://www.amazon.com/Tent-Survivi...t&qid=1577418907&sprefix=rose+marie+br&sr=8-2

Love,
Jmom

 

[Copabanana]

I think JMom's post is brilliant and loving and ever so wise. My son sees being homeless as "survival skills" and "self-reliance." He does the motel bit, too. When he isn't sleeping on cardboard in back of Starbucks. I'm not downplaying it, but they don't experience it like we feel it. I've spoken to many homeless men through my work. You will be shocked, but they like it. They describe their experience as freedom and independence. What got me through it was I thought of my son as like a cowboy. I love westerns. Sleeping under the stars.

I love that Jmom wants to carry your worry and fear for a time, so that you can rest and feel peace. We can have a relay and each of us can do a week. I'll take over from her.

 

[JMom]

Copa,
You are always so fun! Loved "cowboy sleeping under the stars". All in all, we are family, and guess what? They found one too!