36 hours after release from jail, difficult child is high and drunk...

[Childofmine]

One of my friends, also in recovery from the disease of enabling, had some eye-opening words one day last week about living in the moment.

He said: stop, take your own 'pulse' at any one given moment. You are okay. You are safe, your needs are met, you are warm, fed, doing something you love or with a loving friend. You see okay in this moment. String these moments together and you are looking at a life.

It is when we live in the past or the future or are minding someone else's business----instead of our own---that we lose this feeling of well-being.

Our lives are a full time job leaving no time for taking on the unnecessary part time jobs of trying to live, control and fix someone else's life.

If we can accept that each of us have just one life to live, just one, and we mind THAT life and no other, we will be happier calmer people who feel and display peace most of the time.

May we continue to work hard to let go of our deeply loved ones and allow them to live the life they choose. Even if...

 

[DammitJanet]

I think one of the hardest things for me is that I can understand some of what my kid does. I made really stupid decisions when I was young albeit I did my stupid things when I was much younger than he is. I keep telling him that at his age I was the full time mother of 3 kids and had already started my journey in dealing with difficult children. However in so many ways I see myself. That really gets to me. I have to really talk to myself to attempt to separate. I do okay when I am not with him 24/7. That is why Tony and I are moving out and leaving our home to the boys. They have both agreed to pay the bills. If they dont they will be in the dark. We wont be. I think that is the best way for us to have any peace at this point.

 

[Echolette]

I understand that plight. I was wild and dumb and selfish too, into my twenties. So I extend that understanding to my kids, including difficult child. Oddly it does seem helpful with the PCs...and I don't know that it hurts with difficult child, just like I don't know what hurts or helps with him. But I understand your challenge.
and I am impressed and excited for you that you are moving on and out!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Blackgnat, it is very important that you post and post during this time of crisis and choice. Crisis for your difficult child, as the truth of what he has been doing and who he is comes out, and choice ~ for you, blackgnat.

I too see the "evil twin" you posted about. The one who tells you what a good mother would do and then, expects you to do it. Recovering calls these feelings the FOG. They are so overwhelming that we literally cannot think our ways through them. In a way, blackgnat, this is a sign of health. Remember when there was no feeling of FOG, and you reacted out of instinct? Well, now you know there is another, equally or maybe, even more valid, choice of response available to you.

It is the hardest thing in the world to see our difficult child kids clearly.

Given the history of violence with this difficult child blackgnat, I think you need to post about that stuff alot, right now. You are in some danger, here. Even if the difficult child stays in jail or is imprisoned for a time, one day he will get out. I would like to see you process the information you need to blackgnat, to be safe. Like every difficult child, your son strikes me as eerily self-centered. Like all moms, you love him. If you see the strangeness in your child, you brush it away, believe it is healed, understand it was a mistake ~ any of a thousand reasons why this time, things will work out and your difficult child will claim for himself the life you are determined he will have.

Parents who have traveled these paths before us tell us that part of what we need to do to allow ourselves to see our difficult child kids clearly is to stop judging anything about them. It is the judging, the admission to ourselves that there is something not right that keeps us choosing the FOG over clarity of vision. In our hearts? We know. We cannot allow ourselves to know what it is with our difficult child kids, though. What would that look like? What would we do? How would we handle that?

We need to make concerted efforts to stop judging ourselves, too. It is what it is. There is nothing we can do to change or to help our difficult child kids. For whatever reason (and how and why really are not relevant), someone we love, someone we birthed and raised and cherished and hoped for and cried over is self-destructing.

It's a hard thing to see, blackgnat.

But with your difficult child's history of violence toward you, I think you need to see. He will be calling, softening you up, setting you up.... All you really need to do for right now? Is just consider that this is what he is doing, in his phone calls.

That isn't too much to think about.

Small steps. That's how we get beyond the fog and into beginning clarity.

Please keep posting, blackgnat. You are so vulnerable to your difficult child right now that it breaks my heart. I am always trying to save my difficult children, too. I don't know how you are going to get past that mother's need to help. But your difficult child is so violent, blackgnat.

I am glad you came back to the site for this. I think you know too, what you need to do.

Cedar

P.S. Just so you know I am not like, blasting away at you from the heights of "I'm better-ness?" I am having to watch my evolution in regard to my difficult child daughter, too. It's so impossibly hard to see what I see, so much easier to believe...something ~ anything ~ else.

 

[blackgnat]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies and especially to you, Cedar , because I think you are right-I do need to post a lot because it's stressing me out massively. I feel like he's trying to pull me into his net again.

I found out that he was arrested for violating his protection order and so there are more charges. Again the sociopath emerged when he said "I keep looking for someone else to blame but really I know it's my fault".

My evil twin tells me, "He feels SO bad for being so stupid and blowing the chance to spend the time OUT of jail when he got bailed out. He must be kicking himself-poor thing" Why couldn't he do it? Because he didn't want to , I guess. That's the reality. He said nobody wanted to help him and I was like "Your brother and father WERE helping you and you just ignored the rules".

I told him not to go and see this girl. He did anyway, and apparently got assurances from her that she wouldn't be pursuing it and asking for probation and sober living. He then went to see her mother (the one who visited him in jail-she's an attorney!) and she apparently said that she would support him in any way. Then he tells me yesterday that he doesn't care about what happens to him, there's nothing out there for him, that he still loves her and that she has already moved on, (good, dodged a bullet there!) I would like to know how someone knew he had been at her place, but its just the stupidity of that, PLUS the fact that he was drunk (maybe that was it, because consumption of alcohol was also a violation) He told me that he was in warming shelters at night and drinking tumblers of vodka during the day with some Army Ranger he met.

Can you see how I'm TOTALLY buying into all this? Overthinking it? Speculating? This is what happens when I'm feeling vulnerable and I DO NOT LIKE FEELING LIKE THIS! I have compassion for him but I don't need these details and now I have ONE DOLLAR of calls left on his phone and I'm not in a position to put any more money on to the account. Plus I don't want to. He has called me FIVE times today and I haven't spoken to him. I hate the growing unease that I feel, that he wants to keep calling me . I feel that I'll be pulled back into him being the child in trouble that I have to fix, but he is a MAN who screwed up, didn't think of any of the consequences, did exactly what he wanted and just invited more into his life.

Sorry I know I'm raving but it's just swirling around and I need to get back to that place where I can look at him more objectively and think "YOU did this to yourself and you're in a place now where you have to SUCK IT UP and Mummy can't help you." Plus, his cellies are going to think he hasn't any cred if he's calling Ma every day.

Ugh. ugh. ugh.

What the HELL does he think I can do for him? Yesterday he started to get a bit belligerent about not getting some medications from the nurse because he was agitated and I said "Look, I don't want to have this conversation with you when you are aggressive and negative". He said he would just finish the convo and we said goodbye.

 

[Childofmine]

It is so hard, and I do understand the vulnerability we have to our children! It's so hard to watch them make bad decision, after bad decision, and not be able to do one thing about it.

Keep feeling you are feeling, that is healthy. Keep writing--writing is a great way to dump out the pot when it gets full.

I hate getting those calls from jail. The jail phone system here somehow goes through a third party out of Shreveport, LA, so when Shreveport pops up on my phone, I get a bad feeling in my stomach. And I don't answer anymore. If he has something to say, he can write me a letter. And guess what? No letters. That works for me.

Yep you are right, five phone calls is about four too many. Those other four are "I want" phone calls. He is in this place because HE got himself here through his own decision-making and HE will have to figure out his next steps.

All of the past is coulda, woulda, shoulda and irrelevant right now.

What is he going to do next? His call, his life.

YOU have a right to your life, your peace, your happiness. Why not focus on yourself for the rest of the evening, take a bubble bath, sit and watch some mindless TV, read a book, have some hot chocolate. Do some nice, kind things for yourself---you deserve it.

He's warm, sheltered, with food and a place to sleep. That's enough for now.

Hang in there, prayers going up and out for you. We are all in this together. Same stories, same feelings, same hard work we are all trying to do.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Blackgnat, I am so glad you took Cedar's advice and posted during this dark time for you. I can relate to all that you are feeling, the continual ruminating now that you know the facts..............how they keep rolling around your brain like an endless loop of jagged words which snag your peace of mind and throw it overboard. Ugh.

I like what childofmine said about writing and dumping the pot when it gets full. We here can help absorb all of that 'stuff.'

Along with all the feelings you're having, try hard not to judge yourself about having the feelings you are having...........you know what Blackgnat? This is the hardest thing any of us here will ever have to do, so while you are in pain, just know that it is because this is as Cedar says, "a personal devastation like no other"............so allow yourself to grieve, be angry, resent him, dislike him, be furious at him, feel compassion for him...........all of it.

It is so overwhelming sometimes because realistically, it really isn't just one feeling, it's all of those I mentioned and so many more..............it just rolls over us like a huge black cloud and envelops us in the darkness..........so while you are going through this, allow the feelings, write about them, cry about it, rage against it, whatever is inside of you, express it safely...........and it will subside. My experience says that if we hold it in or try to repress it, it lasts longer. That alone was enough to make me want to feel it all, and now.

When my daughter was in jail two years ago, she acted in similar ways, so I understand how you feel. As you feel better about it, it would be prudent to ask yourself exactly what is it that you want to do? Do you want to chat with him daily? Do you want to put money on his books to call you? Do you want to visit him in jail? Do you want to take a break from him for awhile? What is it you want? Once you figure that out, then figure out if what you want to do will create resentment for you. Try to discern the difference between loving kindness which feels good and enabling which feels bad. Resentment is a big part of enabling. It is not a part of loving kindness.

You don't have to listen to him. You don't have to put money on his account. You don't have to visit him. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's all up to you. There is no right or wrong, only what you are willing to do. You've been responding a certain way to him for a long time and now it seems is the time for you to change that response. Tell him you need a break from his drama. For as long as you need it, if that is what you want to do.

It's so difficult for us to accept our kids the way they turned out to be. It has been the hardest thing for me to do. And yet, as we accept them as they are, without enabling them, we can invite peace of mind back in our lives. He is who he is, you can't change that now, only he can. And, apparently he is choosing not to. I am sorry about that. But that is the truth.

While he is away, he is safe and warm. While he is away, you can let go and begin to heal from all of the trauma he has caused in your life. You can nourish yourself. You can be kind to yourself, you can focus on you and what your needs are. Take the focus off of him Blackgnat, ask yourself what do I want FOR ME? Put the focus there, on you and your desires and dreams............you so deserve that.

This is an opportunity for you to detach from him while he is in a place where he can't harm you or anyone, or inflict his drama on you. Don't allow him to do that. Read the detachment article at the bottom of my post if you haven't already, it may help you. Say the Serenity prayer and if it feels right, place him in the hands of whatever your perception of a Higher Power is...........there is nothing else you need to do..............there is nothing else to do, you've already done it all.

If you are really antsy, there are Youtube guided meditations which are very calming, they have some for anxiety, fear, peace, whatever you need, just google what you want. Pray, take deep breathes and hang on............you're not alone, we're here with you, ............we get it.........we're all holding you in cyber space, one big giant group hug..............

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love to see the anger coming through in this last post, blackgnat. Love yourself through this part. You deserve better than what this grown man is trying to do to you. He may be your son, but he is not being his best self now by a long shot.

How dare he bring these pointless troubles to your door?

As I healed, I began telling my difficult child son that I wanted more for him, that he needed to stand up, be a man, take responsibility for his life. I told him that I saw so much more in him than what he was doing, that I wanted more from him, that I would expect no less.

Know what happened?

He stopped talking to me.

But at least he is not asking for money, anymore.

And I fully expect that I will hear from this son, who does love me, just as your son loves you, whether he wants to admit it or not, once he is doing better. And until then? The truth, blackgnat...is that I don't want to hear from my son until he does stand up to become the man I raised him to be.

So, we're kind of on his timeline, here.

What do you think would happen if you took this opportunity, now, while your son is safely locked away...to tell him what you expect of him, for once. Like, how about dealing with the everyday things we all cope with in a responsible fashion? I don't know which of us it was, but one of us posted about what her difficult child would think if she started complaining about not having a pan for pasta or not being able to find her socks.

That's pretty much what your difficult child is doing.

Complaining to his mom that his socks don't match.

I'm just saying.

Cedar

 

[blackgnat]

Good points all-I just have to get my head together and actually figure out what it is I'm thinking.

He called me just as I was leaving work-we have to sit around and wait for signing out time and he sounded mopey again. It was a stilted conversation and he was a little aggressive and depressed. I said I didn't know what I could tell him-the reality was that he had made choices that landed him there. I told him to make better ones and he said "NAH".

Was doing the typical difficult child thing about how all bets were off and he would be doing prison time and there's be no deals. He asked me to at least visit him once in prison (he really doesn't know if he WILL be going there) before I died. Whaaat? Who said I was dying? I think it was a combo of knowing what an idiot he has been and is, and also remorse that he had it good. But now reality has set in.

He's trying to get back into his Phoenix pod, full of criminals that are addicted. His buddies are there, but he feels comfortable and hopes there's enough room to get back into that program.

What point am I making? Don't know. It just seemed whiny-he said he was coming off the booze but really, what did he THINK I could POSSIBLY do? But of course I fel t guilty after that -did I say the right soothing motherly things? (no) and why should I really? So he said "Well, do you only want me to call you if I need money on my card?" and I said "yeah that's fine". and I said Keep me posted, I love you. No reply and an hang up....

So trying to get out of the net. Will write a letter-don't want to be lecture-y and will put in someo snippets about myself. But honestly, I can't even remember him asking "How are you?"

Again, rambling. Knowing him, he will be fine in about 20 minutes and on to some other feeling. But I hate the nagging doubt in the back of my mind, like "hmmm, something is wrong, what is it again?" and UGH, it's him.

Did this make any sense? I think I'm just venting and am now very tired, so thanks for reading if you got this far! Just stinking well drained...

 

[blackgnat]

Sorry to all because it seems like I'm ignoring the wisdom of all who tell me to work on my acceptance. I feel that I'm in a weird spot I haven't been in months. I felt strong and clear and much more detached. All it takes is a feeling of weakness to drag down my resources and start getting into his head.

So Im going to have a good sleep tonight and work on my inner resources to help me toughen up about my son. Ithink the longer he's in jail, the further away he is from me and the more I get used to the idea that NOTHING CAN BE DONE from my end, I will be okay.

I still need the empathy guys, so keep it coming and I hope I;m not letting you all down in my moments of weakness. I WILL get there!

 

[Childofmine]

What you are doing is normal. What you are feeling is normal. This hard road is a one-step-at-a-time process. You can only do the best you can do at any given moment.

When you learn differently, you will do differently.

Yes, what you said about "the typical difficult child thing." It's that thing they do. Drama, victim talk, putting it back on us. It's all the same stuff. It's as if there is a script and they have all studied it.

Sort out what you WANT to do. What do you want to do---first for yourself? What do you want to do, for him? Write it down.

Writing it down helps it cement itself in you. And it's a great reference for when you aren't sure, are confused, get upset by him.

On another thread, Cedar writes about radical acceptance.

We must accept what is.

Think about that statement.

We know we can't change it. We have already tried all of that, a dozen ways to Sunday. Ten dozen ways. A hundred. So if we can't change it, what are we to do?

Rail against something forever that we can't change? What a waste. What a terrible waste of our precious lives, our precious energy, our precious time. And....it hurts them. We are standing in the way, in the breach, between them and the stark reality they must face that THEY and only THEY are responsible for their lives, just like WE and only WE are responsible for OUR lives.

I vote for acceptance. I vote for doing the hard work for that unthinkable thing that means accepting what is, today.

Yes, we still have hope. Yes, things can change. We aren't giving up. We're accepting what is, today.

So, make mistakes. But try again. It's the only path to peace I have found on this hard walk.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

You are in what Recovering calls the FOG, blackgnat. It happens when two conflicting realities ~ yours, and your difficult children ~ collide. When we are in the fog, we are frozen in place. We literally cannot see, cannot think. What we want, all we want, is to protect our children. The more we protect, the more they seem to leap right off the deep end.

There is a Buddhist thing to stop panic and get ourselves back to the present moment that I am going to share with you. You need to think clearly, now. You need to be there for yourself and for your son in strength, in wisdom. These are the hardest of times, blackgnat. Nothing about this is going to be easy. You are fortunate to have had a break from it for these past few months. Even this young man's father could not help him. Your son is manipulating you. You love him. You are vulnerable and in danger of going right back to the way things were before you brought him to Colorado. You need to be calm, centered, controlled.

It's like being in the eye of a hurricane, blackgnat. Only this one, you entered willingly for the sake of your son. Now, you need to get calm. You have great courage. You did not run away or ignore the situation. Now, you need to be strong enough to see it through, correctly.

So, here is the Buddhist thing: Take a good, deep breath. Say, "I never did mind, about the little things." Smile.

That's it. In the midst of those times when we can't see our ways out of the fog, try that. It has worked for me, has kept me sane, has given me just that split second's peace I needed to find my own strength, again.

Read Recovering's information on detachment.

Read about abusive relationship. You are in an abusive relationship with your son. In these kinds of relationships, each of us has a role to play. The good news is that when one party stops playing? The abuse stops. The abuser will not like having his power over you taken away. But you will be strong enough to stop the abuse, blackgnat.

Everything is going to be fine. You did not have us, last time. Once you did find all of us, here where it is safe? We were right there for you.

And we are here for you now, blackgnat.

Please keep posting. Please don't get discouraged. You and your son are in such a hard place right now. Things may get worse, but they can definitely get better.

We are right here, blackgnat.

You aren't alone with any of it, anymore.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Patricia Evans

www.patriciaevans.com

Cedar