My daughter borrowed my car on Wednesday for the day. The agreement we had was she would bring it back by 6. At 7:15 she called and said, she was in the middle of an overwhelming situation with her ex roommate trying to get her belongings out of his home. She said she would be home with the car by 9. She didn't return. I woke up at 3 AM to go to the bathroom and neither she nor the car were home. I was angry at the broken agreement so I couldn't go back to sleep. I called and texted her, no response. At 8, from my office, I called again and she answered, not apologetic, rambling on about the latest drama where the police had to be called, the roommate's taking her stuff to a storage unit........on it went...........I stopped her saying, "I don't want to know any more, if my car is not home in 20 minutes, I am calling the police and reporting it stolen."
SO called me 20 minutes later and she and the car were at my house. He told her that she had burned the last bridge with me. He was angry. She spent a few hours moving stuff around from car to car to garage and then left. I got home from work and she was gone. She returned to give my SO a key and her car wouldn't start. She came in to apologize to me and said to me, "you have every right to be angry Mom, I messed up, I was so overwhelmed with everything, I just didn't think." I was in a calm place and asked, "what are you going to do now?" She said, "I don't know, but I will figure it out." I said, if that car breaks down on the road, the police will impound it because it's such a piece of junk at this point.........she said, "I won't let that happen Mom, I will handle it." I watched her stand on the back fender of her car sort of jumping on it, which she told me, helps it start...............I saw something on her face that I had not really witnessed before, it was a look of exhilaration, of fun, of adventure..........she was enjoying this!
I said to SO, "I would have lent her my car every day to fulfill her obligations and she could have stayed here, but she messed up and created a situation of high stress and drama and is relishing it." She is "out there" now in a broken down car with a guy friend who just got out of jail and she is "handling it." She is definitely living on that razors edge!
During the car not starting part, SO, my granddaughter and I were in the house.........my granddaughter said in a very strong and decisive voice, "don't help her anymore, don't do anything, let her handle it Grammy, you've done enough." My SO said the same thing and told me now it was time to let go completely and let her go into her own life. He said, "we're all done now."
The two of them were sort of like barriers, 2 people I love standing between me and the source of so much pain in my life...........and both of them saying, it's over now, let her go. It felt important and even in the midst of it, it felt as if this is where we had all been headed for a long time..........this was that critical mass point where it all comes together and changes.
Remember in the thick of the worst of it, as I was crying in the car after running all over the county while she was in jail about 2 years ago, my SO said, "it's like you and she are in a boat with holes in the bottom and while you frantically and desperately try to fill up the holes, she is making new ones." That was such a great visual for me, it shifted things because I knew then, it was the truth.
Yesterday, I got to see that truth play itself out. She is in a manic state, or some high stress disorder state, or whatever, it really doesn't matter because she won't seek help to change it, she likes it, she likes living on the edge, the drama, the intensity, the about to fall off the cliff kind of high anxiety.
Acknowledging that truth helped me to let go even more. She is exactly where she wants to be. What I want or believe or need or think is normal or okay or healthy is irrelevant, this is the life she wants to have. As she drove off, I just let go. I could feel it happen. Whatever happens to her is what happens, there is nothing for me to to, nothing for me to even think about. Wherever she lands, I will address any interactions with her at that time, for now, we are all okay.
She is free now. Free of my interventions, judgements, trying to fix her life, trying to make her life into something she doesn't want...........she is exactly where she intends to be...........and that knowledge, that truth changed something for me. She is not a victim of her life, she is not a poor soul who landed in this unfortunate place, she is exactly where she wants to be. Poof. Final enabling switch turned off.
It's raining today, thunder storms, hasn't rained in weeks........she is out there with a missing back window in her car and a skylight which doesn't close..........and instead of seeing that as "oh my God, she is wet, she is cold, she is hungry, she is ________", today, I see it as my daughter is having her next adventure, God Bless her, she is where she wants to be. And, so am I.
That slight perceptual shift, that little change of how I see it, changes everything. I know this sounds really strange, but I feel really, really good. It feels as if all of us are in our rightful place in the Universe and there is NOTHING I need to do............
SO called me 20 minutes later and she and the car were at my house. He told her that she had burned the last bridge with me. He was angry. She spent a few hours moving stuff around from car to car to garage and then left. I got home from work and she was gone. She returned to give my SO a key and her car wouldn't start. She came in to apologize to me and said to me, "you have every right to be angry Mom, I messed up, I was so overwhelmed with everything, I just didn't think." I was in a calm place and asked, "what are you going to do now?" She said, "I don't know, but I will figure it out." I said, if that car breaks down on the road, the police will impound it because it's such a piece of junk at this point.........she said, "I won't let that happen Mom, I will handle it." I watched her stand on the back fender of her car sort of jumping on it, which she told me, helps it start...............I saw something on her face that I had not really witnessed before, it was a look of exhilaration, of fun, of adventure..........she was enjoying this!
I said to SO, "I would have lent her my car every day to fulfill her obligations and she could have stayed here, but she messed up and created a situation of high stress and drama and is relishing it." She is "out there" now in a broken down car with a guy friend who just got out of jail and she is "handling it." She is definitely living on that razors edge!
During the car not starting part, SO, my granddaughter and I were in the house.........my granddaughter said in a very strong and decisive voice, "don't help her anymore, don't do anything, let her handle it Grammy, you've done enough." My SO said the same thing and told me now it was time to let go completely and let her go into her own life. He said, "we're all done now."
The two of them were sort of like barriers, 2 people I love standing between me and the source of so much pain in my life...........and both of them saying, it's over now, let her go. It felt important and even in the midst of it, it felt as if this is where we had all been headed for a long time..........this was that critical mass point where it all comes together and changes.
Remember in the thick of the worst of it, as I was crying in the car after running all over the county while she was in jail about 2 years ago, my SO said, "it's like you and she are in a boat with holes in the bottom and while you frantically and desperately try to fill up the holes, she is making new ones." That was such a great visual for me, it shifted things because I knew then, it was the truth.
Yesterday, I got to see that truth play itself out. She is in a manic state, or some high stress disorder state, or whatever, it really doesn't matter because she won't seek help to change it, she likes it, she likes living on the edge, the drama, the intensity, the about to fall off the cliff kind of high anxiety.
Acknowledging that truth helped me to let go even more. She is exactly where she wants to be. What I want or believe or need or think is normal or okay or healthy is irrelevant, this is the life she wants to have. As she drove off, I just let go. I could feel it happen. Whatever happens to her is what happens, there is nothing for me to to, nothing for me to even think about. Wherever she lands, I will address any interactions with her at that time, for now, we are all okay.
She is free now. Free of my interventions, judgements, trying to fix her life, trying to make her life into something she doesn't want...........she is exactly where she intends to be...........and that knowledge, that truth changed something for me. She is not a victim of her life, she is not a poor soul who landed in this unfortunate place, she is exactly where she wants to be. Poof. Final enabling switch turned off.
It's raining today, thunder storms, hasn't rained in weeks........she is out there with a missing back window in her car and a skylight which doesn't close..........and instead of seeing that as "oh my God, she is wet, she is cold, she is hungry, she is ________", today, I see it as my daughter is having her next adventure, God Bless her, she is where she wants to be. And, so am I.
That slight perceptual shift, that little change of how I see it, changes everything. I know this sounds really strange, but I feel really, really good. It feels as if all of us are in our rightful place in the Universe and there is NOTHING I need to do............
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