A parent solution...thoughts?

[newstart]

Hi Newstart

I did this too for my son who is now 30. It has not worked. We had some of the same problems.

How is it that your daughter got on board paying rent? What changed? Do you charge her market rent? Is it hard on you to see the house trashed/destroyed/or dirty? Do you look the other way? Does she drink or use marijuana or drugs? If so, how do you deal with that? One reason it has not worked is that one, we have been too hands on. We have had rules. My son listens to NOTHING I want.
Looking back it has always been better, out of sight out of mind. My son can take care of himself. He wants to live as he wants to live. The only huge problem is money management. He chooses to not pay rent, to use more money for marijuana. That was one reason I kicked him out. After years of not paying rent, I had enough. I was subsidizing the marijuana use. I could not look the other way.
I do not have nerves of steel. I am reactive and emotional. The last time I kicked him out he was coming back to the house during the day and laying around in the yard, high. When I saw what he was doing I kicked him out on the spot.

The thing is my son goes borderline homeless when he leaves here. For 8 months he slept in a friend's truck. For the past 2 months he has slept in somebody's shed.

This just keeps getting worse and worse. I understand why you are doing what you are doing. There is no way to win in our situations. It is just so hard.

Thank you for posting.

Hi Copabanana, I am sorry to hear that you trying to help your son with a house did not work. I charge my daughter the same fee she would be paying for a studio apartment in a bad side of town. She gets to live in a beautiful home in a great neighborhod for the same price she would be paying to live in the slums. I think somewhere inside of her head she understands this. All of her payments are going for the purchase of this home.
As far as I know she does not do alcohol or drugs, her friends have even confirmed it, I taught my kids that drugs and alcohol is a gateway to evil and I think she understands that clearly. Seeing the house messy or dirty does bother me greatly but since her neighbors are saying things to her she has started to keep up with it much better. About 8 months ago her boyfriend has made positive changes forward and it is helping her. I know he takes that CBC oil to help him relax and my daughter was taking it too, telling me that the THC has been taken out of it. I do not know much about it but it is helping the boyfriend sleep and he is making much better decisions. There were times where my daughter was working for a couple of doctors and their checkes kept bouncing putting my daughter behind on her rent for a couple of months. Since my daughter is a compulsive liar I checked out her story and it was true. There are times when she is genuinely struggeling and times when she is just lazy. I know the difference and when she is lazy I come down on her hard. She realizes that she is really getting a great deal with the house. I went over there a couple of weeks ago and must admit that her bedroom is just beautiful. My girlfriends have completely decorated her home with curtains they do not use anymore and it all went together perfect.
My daughter will be 40 in just 3 short years. I am glad I was patient with the house, there was so much up and down and sleepless nights. When I was there a couple of weeks ago, I helped her with a few projects and she seem sincerely grateful. And in a split second all of this can go the wrong way.

 

[Nomad]

That last sentence, I think holds true in the case of the acquaintance I’m speaking of.

Also...as a side note...just like our adult children can and often are VERY negatively influenced by problematic friends, they can be positively influenced as well.

It’s NO guarantee, but I suppose if they are living in a better neighborhood, it is a tiny bit more likely that there are more “healthier” peers to emulate or date. Often times, these kids gravitate toward the unhealthy....but I suppose any little positive is a very good thing.

And a healthy love interest is potentially a great thing.

I recall our son went through a bad senior year of H.S. Then he started college and was working too. He did well with work, but only so-so with his classes. He met a girl at the college who was an excellent student. Get this...suddenly he wanted straight A’s! Wow!!!!! Before, I’m fairly sure that was not a priority.

 

[newstart]

That last sentence, I think holds true in the case of the acquaintance I’m speaking of.

Also...as a side note...just like our adult children can and often are VERY negatively influenced by problematic friends, they can be positively influenced as well.

It’s NO guarantee, but I suppose if they are living in a better neighborhood, it is a tiny bit more likely that there are more “healthier” peers to emulate or date. Often times, these kids gravitate toward the unhealthy....but I suppose any little positive is a very good thing.

And a healthy love interest is potentially a great thing.

I recall our son went through a bad senior year of H.S. Then he started college and was working too. He did well with work, but only so-so with his classes. He met a girl at the college who was an excellent student. Get this...suddenly he wanted straight A’s! Wow!!!!! Before, I’m fairly sure that was not a priority.

Yes Nomad you are so right about how friends can influence adult children. My daughter is lucky to have good neighbors around her. There are other couples her age and they seem to keep their homes up nice and have steady jobs and care very much about our neighborhood. My daughter has lost most of her friends this year due to her outspoken political views and her acting like she has inside information to the political world.
I enjoyed reading about your son getting straight A's after meeting a girl that was an excellent student. Peers can make such a big difference. I tell my daughter that even at my age I have to surround myself with good peers. At age 62 I have peer pressure to drink alcohol. I have to keep a glass of water with me at all times just so they leave me alone for not having a drink in my hand.