A plea to those lucky posters who have not walked in our shoes

[witzend]

You must be a member to post.
Guests can only read.

But... if we required membership to read the forums, we would have almost no members.
Many of us were "lurkers" for a VERY long time before posting anything.

Couldn't people join and not post but just read? I feel I don't have a lot to contribute sometimes anymore, and I do try. I also went in and edited the heck out of my sig the other day. I don't want to appear to be making a suggestions as to membership one way or another, because I think we all know that in the real world nothing is private. For me, I try to keep myself anonymous, and I hope that over the years I have become less likely to jump in with unwanted advice. Then again, for me nothing and nowhere feels safe anymore.

 

[Tiredof33]

MM,
I didn't read the posts you said have now been removed BUT last year we had a new member that seem to register just to post obnoxious remarks. He (?) said he was a young man from Europe and he criticized and made fun of the members recommending AA. The parents were not supportive of their children, how their treatment programs were was superior to ours, they were treated as having an illness and we do not blah, blah, blah. He quoted members as saying they wished the child had never been born, we didn't love the child and that was the root of the problem. You could tell from his/her posts that the person really was immature.

Anything anyone posted, he, she, or it was combative and inflammatory! I finally told him in a post that I would no longer respond to anything he posted. We get the same kind of posters on my quilting, gardening, crochet, cooking forums. I really do not understand the appeal! they just like to post on forums, and in many cases, I think they are sad individuals that really do not have much else to do. It's just plain fun for them to get people riled up! They are so annoying, and we are already annoyed enough without them adding to our stress.

I was treated to same way in several face to face groups. I didn't feel like I could be honest so I didn't go back to the groups. To be criticized on a forum is one thing but when they can look you in the eyes it's far worse lol! in my opinion, it is really hard for anyone not having adult children acting the way ours do to really understand the frustration and sadness of not being able to help, or find help, for our adult children. They do not understand the depth of our love for our children.

Because of the immature little brats that like to antagonize people already in pain, I am careful of (leery?) new members that register on the weekends. He, she, or it will be back, just try very hard to overlook them, and pray for them that they never have to walk our path wearing our shoes.
(((peace, hugs, and blessings my friend)))

 

[BusynMember]

33, I think your advice is excellent. Tread lightly with new members....or with those who ARE members whom you don't feel give helpful advice for YOUR OWN situation. We don't have to read anything we don't want to read. I'm going wit that from now on

 

[AnnieO]

Very true!

I was welcomed as a new member... And so I will continue to welcome other newbies. However... If someone just wants to be a jerk, it becomes clear pretty quickly. And they get ignored...

 

[DammitJanet]

I have to chuckle a bit at this. These type of trolls have nothing on a good board war! I dont think there are many still posting frequently that endured that but boy were they interesting. Looking back I wonder why I always seemed to be in the middle of them...lol.

 

[Kathy813]

Janet, I joined just after the great board war but remember hearing about it. I'm glad things have been relatively peaceful since then.

I hope I didn't just jinx us. LOL

~Kathy

 

[AnnieO]

OK, I'm curious. Board war? Phew. I could skip THAT!

 

[Tiredof33]

Janet,
We had a board war on our quilting forum. It was NASTY! About 5 years ago we would have pages of new posts each day. People were supposed to keep the topic as quilting, of course being human we have a hard time following rules lol. What was a few Occupational Therapist (OT) (off topic) a day turned into a page each day and the serious quilters were not happy. In all fairness to them, we did have a separate area for conversations, but it wasn't as busy as the quilting forum and many just didn't use it for what ever reason.

What we write doesn't always have the tone and express the way we would in person. I think that is even more true on this forum because we come here for emotional support and feelings are raw and we are sensitive.

Some tempers flared and there were some really nasty posts to people they had never met and never would meet! The forum never did recover and is so slow now that I'm surprised it's still up. We still get some strange ones lol, but they don't last very long before they wander off to antagonize a new forum group!!!!

I remember thinking 'this is just QUILTING' - pieces of fabric and thread lol!!!! I guess I have never been combative and as I age I am even more the 'live and let live type'. Live would be so much easier if we were one size fits all!

 

[goomer]

A simple "I'm sorry" is probably more helpful than advice.

I speak as somebody going through a hard time now with my very disturbed grown child. It's very hard to understand walking in our shoes if you haven't. Lately, in my opinion we've had some insensitive posts, probably not on purpose, but again until you walk in our shoes, you can't possibly relate or give helpful advice.

I try hard not to answer posts if I have no experience with the situation. Also, posters who are not from the U.S. or Canada, please also respect our cultures and that we may do things differently because we don't have any other options.

Thanks for reading this

One thing I find that happens on the internet still is when people hear of you (general you) having a messed up adult child? They still want to blame the parents.....even if the child is well into adulthood!!! It boggles my mind and makes me very, very upset. I can only imagine you probably feel the same way.

We live in a society that automatically blames the parent for EVERYTHING when it comes to matters dealing with maladjusted offspring. *sigh*

 

[DammitJanet]

I saw this mentioned in another post so I had to come back and see what I had missed...lol.

I put up a board and was admin on it for a short time that members wanted it to be a closed board and I had to pretty much interview every new person who wanted to join. OMG was that a pain. Some of the members...okay most of them...didnt like another online group about the same topic and they didnt want "those people" coming to this new board. I thought it was stupid but I did what they wanted because I was really just building the board. I didnt have the problem that other's were there for. That board lasted maybe 6 months if that.

I adore being a moderator here. I would hate to have to screen everyone who decided to wander in. Yes, I had my posts used against me but oh well...we all got over it. I just learned to never use certain names.

And something to think about... Years ago I just happened to search for my real name on Google. To my utter amazement, there was a newspaper opinion piece that had my full name, address and phone number! The paper was from my state but not anywhere near where I lived. I live in the eastern part of my state and this paper was from the western part. This letter wasnt something I even sent in to any paper! I was about some stupid policies that were being implemented in the Dept of Social Services. I found it after I had stopped working about a year. I did write the piece though. My belief is that someone found it on my work computer and then sent it in to this other paper. To say I was upset was an understatement. Oh I didnt care if DSS knew that I thought what they were doing was idiotic but I didnt like that all my personal information...including phone number was out there. I checked again about 5 years after I found it and never could find it again...Thank Heavens!