DarkwingPsyduck
Active Member
Another member suggested I tell my story in my own thread, to provide a different perspective on the problems that have brought most of you here.
I am 25 years old, and a junkie. Just over a year sober, after 3-4 years in active addiction. Drug of choice being opiates. Hydrocodone, oxycodone, morphine, et al. I didn't have a very normal child hood. In and out of foster homes, shipped between family member to family member with my twin sister. There was only one home we ever had that was anything resembling healthy. And that was with my great aunt, and her husband. Kept us til we were 4. Mom died when I was 16, and I was on my own from then on. Surviving on the graces and generosity of friends and their families. Did that for a few years, partying a lot. No more than most kids in Reno do at that age, but still considerable. Always in good fun. Not to deal with any emotional issues. A few years back, I tried to enroll at the community college, and found out that I had 2 semesters paid for, and all they needed to do was get a hold of the person who paid for this. I didn't know who paid for it, but they ended tracking her down for me. That being my great aunt I was with as a toddler. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since being taken, and I didn't even initially recognize the name. Without knowing the first thing about me as a person, she offered me a home, paid tuition fees and books, bought new clothes. Pretty much everything I didn't have. I adore her. My uncle, too. First real positive male role model in my life. They are the two most incredible people I have ever met. Generous to a fault. There is NOTHING they didn't do for me. And I always made a point to not disrespect them. They are quite literally the ONLY older family that I have left. Meaning that I should take extra care not to burn that bridge.
Recently, however, I have discovered that this bridge was fire proof. I got into the pills, initially for fun, then it got out of hand. It didn't take too long before I was every negative stereo type of drug addicts. When addiction starts to really set in, every addict I have ever known has done the same thing. Make a mental list of what we are and are not willing to do for a fix. Rarely does actually happen, however. And top of my list was stealing from my aunt and uncle. I couldn't imagine doing something like that to them. Well, I did... A lot. The theft wasn't of very valuable items, but I understood that it would hurt them, and that it did hurt them. That's not to mention all the fake emergency money I needed. Lying to their faces. They aren't dumb people. They knew what was going on. They just refused to stop. Numerous family members throughout my life had made the promise that I would always have support, and a place to live. Only these 2 people actually held to it. I started lurking this forum, and others, trying to gain some perspective. Seeing the threads of the many posters here was an eye opener. I am not stupid, I knew I was causing them pain, I just didn't know how much. For that, I am grateful. The day did come where I could no longer stand myself. I broke EVERY "rule" us addicts set up for ourselves. And I was going to keep doing it. When I finally reached out, they didn't hesitate. They spent THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars on a Suboxone treatment for me. And I don't have insurance. This was done cash. It took a while, but I am clean now, and still working on repairing my mess of a life.
That's a pretty basic origin story. I am telling it because I hope it will be of some benefit to somebody. As this board had been beneficial to me. I read threads, and I can see your pain and your confusion. I see people frantic for some kind of answers. There is only one way to TRULY understand a junkie, and that's by being a junkie. To everybody else, we appear to be mindless, heartless, selfish degenerates. Which is accurate, for the most part. At least while high. It resembles real insanity, but it is actually considerably worse. Most real crazy people don't know they are crazy. We do. We know that the results of being a junkie are negative, and always will be. We make the conscious decision to keep doing it regardless. But the high does wear off eventually. And we are forced to sober up eventually, usually due to lack of drugs, not choice. And when that happens, we are hit with everything. With the monster staring back from the mirror. The shame, regret, desperation... It is one of the reasons we go out and use. To hide from the horrible acts to get the drug. This resembles a circular way of thinking. Literal insanity. So it is no surprise that mentally and emotionally healthy people don't "get it". We are manipulators. ALWAYS working an angle, even if only subconsciously. We are single minded, and determined. I see how easily these kinds of behaviors can make it seem like your addicts don't care at all. Like they are entirely oblivious to the problem. They aren't. They are terrified of sobering up because they don't know if they can handle having to face all the people we walked all over. Like our parents. I can guarantee you that they love you, and that the person you love is still in there, just buried deep. Getting clean is very simple. Detox is uncomfortable, but it is nothing compared to what it does to our mental and emotional state. That is when we really need as much support as possible from loved ones. It is especially hard to fix if they don't ever get an opportunity to at least face the music, and express themselves. You don't need to trust them. In fact, that would be a bad idea. You don't need to enable. You don't have to forgive everything, or forgive anything right away. Trust and forgiveness are earned, and more difficult to earn each time it's betrayed. In fact, forgiving and forgetting will do them no good. They need to face it, to truly appreciate it. This is why 12 step programs have the making amends step. Not just for our loved ones' sake, but for our own. We can't heal by ignoring it. You should vocalize the very real effects their actions have caused. The pain you experienced. We need a real reason to get clean, and one of the biggest ones is making amends. We need the opportunity, at the least.
Sorry to rant, and ramble. Not very good with this kind of stuff. I hope somebody finds it helpful, or at least entertaining. Thank you.
I am 25 years old, and a junkie. Just over a year sober, after 3-4 years in active addiction. Drug of choice being opiates. Hydrocodone, oxycodone, morphine, et al. I didn't have a very normal child hood. In and out of foster homes, shipped between family member to family member with my twin sister. There was only one home we ever had that was anything resembling healthy. And that was with my great aunt, and her husband. Kept us til we were 4. Mom died when I was 16, and I was on my own from then on. Surviving on the graces and generosity of friends and their families. Did that for a few years, partying a lot. No more than most kids in Reno do at that age, but still considerable. Always in good fun. Not to deal with any emotional issues. A few years back, I tried to enroll at the community college, and found out that I had 2 semesters paid for, and all they needed to do was get a hold of the person who paid for this. I didn't know who paid for it, but they ended tracking her down for me. That being my great aunt I was with as a toddler. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since being taken, and I didn't even initially recognize the name. Without knowing the first thing about me as a person, she offered me a home, paid tuition fees and books, bought new clothes. Pretty much everything I didn't have. I adore her. My uncle, too. First real positive male role model in my life. They are the two most incredible people I have ever met. Generous to a fault. There is NOTHING they didn't do for me. And I always made a point to not disrespect them. They are quite literally the ONLY older family that I have left. Meaning that I should take extra care not to burn that bridge.
Recently, however, I have discovered that this bridge was fire proof. I got into the pills, initially for fun, then it got out of hand. It didn't take too long before I was every negative stereo type of drug addicts. When addiction starts to really set in, every addict I have ever known has done the same thing. Make a mental list of what we are and are not willing to do for a fix. Rarely does actually happen, however. And top of my list was stealing from my aunt and uncle. I couldn't imagine doing something like that to them. Well, I did... A lot. The theft wasn't of very valuable items, but I understood that it would hurt them, and that it did hurt them. That's not to mention all the fake emergency money I needed. Lying to their faces. They aren't dumb people. They knew what was going on. They just refused to stop. Numerous family members throughout my life had made the promise that I would always have support, and a place to live. Only these 2 people actually held to it. I started lurking this forum, and others, trying to gain some perspective. Seeing the threads of the many posters here was an eye opener. I am not stupid, I knew I was causing them pain, I just didn't know how much. For that, I am grateful. The day did come where I could no longer stand myself. I broke EVERY "rule" us addicts set up for ourselves. And I was going to keep doing it. When I finally reached out, they didn't hesitate. They spent THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of dollars on a Suboxone treatment for me. And I don't have insurance. This was done cash. It took a while, but I am clean now, and still working on repairing my mess of a life.
That's a pretty basic origin story. I am telling it because I hope it will be of some benefit to somebody. As this board had been beneficial to me. I read threads, and I can see your pain and your confusion. I see people frantic for some kind of answers. There is only one way to TRULY understand a junkie, and that's by being a junkie. To everybody else, we appear to be mindless, heartless, selfish degenerates. Which is accurate, for the most part. At least while high. It resembles real insanity, but it is actually considerably worse. Most real crazy people don't know they are crazy. We do. We know that the results of being a junkie are negative, and always will be. We make the conscious decision to keep doing it regardless. But the high does wear off eventually. And we are forced to sober up eventually, usually due to lack of drugs, not choice. And when that happens, we are hit with everything. With the monster staring back from the mirror. The shame, regret, desperation... It is one of the reasons we go out and use. To hide from the horrible acts to get the drug. This resembles a circular way of thinking. Literal insanity. So it is no surprise that mentally and emotionally healthy people don't "get it". We are manipulators. ALWAYS working an angle, even if only subconsciously. We are single minded, and determined. I see how easily these kinds of behaviors can make it seem like your addicts don't care at all. Like they are entirely oblivious to the problem. They aren't. They are terrified of sobering up because they don't know if they can handle having to face all the people we walked all over. Like our parents. I can guarantee you that they love you, and that the person you love is still in there, just buried deep. Getting clean is very simple. Detox is uncomfortable, but it is nothing compared to what it does to our mental and emotional state. That is when we really need as much support as possible from loved ones. It is especially hard to fix if they don't ever get an opportunity to at least face the music, and express themselves. You don't need to trust them. In fact, that would be a bad idea. You don't need to enable. You don't have to forgive everything, or forgive anything right away. Trust and forgiveness are earned, and more difficult to earn each time it's betrayed. In fact, forgiving and forgetting will do them no good. They need to face it, to truly appreciate it. This is why 12 step programs have the making amends step. Not just for our loved ones' sake, but for our own. We can't heal by ignoring it. You should vocalize the very real effects their actions have caused. The pain you experienced. We need a real reason to get clean, and one of the biggest ones is making amends. We need the opportunity, at the least.
Sorry to rant, and ramble. Not very good with this kind of stuff. I hope somebody finds it helpful, or at least entertaining. Thank you.
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. I ended up running away, while sister stayed. I wound up in Reno with Dad's family, and she remained in Texas. And Mom was doing drugs with her when she was 13. She is the one that discovered Mom's body. I can't imagine how bad it was for her. She is in Reno now, but in and out of jail. Motel rooms, prostituting, tweaking, and gambling. She lost both her sons, ages 3 and 4 now. We have the youngest one, Amelia. Just turned 2. Amanda has barely laid eyes on her. The things she continues to do to aunt and uncle blow everything I did out of the water. If I thought they were saints before, they are gods now. Still haven't given up on her.... 
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