Ache update

[SuZir]

After his crash last fall our Insolent Whelp has managed to mostly fly under trouble radar - which of course doesn't mean something has not been going on. To us his standard answer has been that everything is just fine. We have heard about some issues through grapevine and it seems Joy has heard some more.

He is seriously dragging his feet on the matter of finding a therapist, but has finally found one, though will only start in May. But I gathered that even that was only after some serious pressure from outside (likely medical staff in the team he has signed with or his sport psychologist, or both.) He is rather sullen about it.

He has fully recovered from his conversion disorder and is functional in his daily life despite his other psychiatric issues. medication situation is stable and also his psychiatrist strongly presses for therapy.

When I or his dad try to talk about how he is feeling or anything close to that, we get a brick wall. He 'does have to go', is in company or 'is fine' and changes the topic. About the month ago his social media messages were more worrisome (inspirational messages about how winners never give up and how hard work pays off) and at that time it seemed Joy was also hearing something that worried him, but lately Ache's social media has been soothingly more mundane. However I have reasons to suspect he has not stopped his self harming/hurting behaviours, but considering how he does those, there is no evidence.

There has apparently been some room mate issues, some team mate issues and some issues with coaches too. But none of that has been too major and he has been getting by. Sport wise he struggled after his sick leave quite a lot, but after Christmas has been doing okay or even very well. He has been benched once for what smells like disciplinary action, but he gives a different story. However, even if disciplinary, it may very well be something rather mundane.

However he is not bright-eyed nor enthusiastic, but more tired, callous and jaded. When we talked yesterday it seemed he was trying to pump up enthusiasm for the most important games of the season that are ahead of them, but to me it sound like he wasn't really feeling it, and not even faking it that well. He doesn't seem connected or bonded to his team and is mostly committed to his own performance though he of course talks the talk (even to me, but not with much gusto.) Not a good sign.

One way or another his season will end in few weeks and he is likely to stay at home for week or two after that (depending what else he plans to do with his vacation) and I guess I will get more out of him, when he is actually here where I can see him and touch him.

So hanging there, but not much else.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It's no fun watching the shoe dangle in the air waiting for it to drop...

 

[Childofmine]

Thanks for the update Suzir. I'm glad things are going along. Not worse---that is a plus.

I hope for good news for you and for him in the days to come.

 

[BusynMember]

Suz, now that I know more about his challenges, although ache may be an ache, he is actually an amazing young man and will probably get to the therapist...eventually.

Suz, it is so frustrating when our children, adult or not, won't tell us the truth about how they are doing. I have to deal with this all the time with Jumper. She is always "fine" only she isn't always fine. But that is the most I can get out of her, even when she is crying in my arms. She is very secretive about her feelings and does not like to talk about the things in her life that have gone wrong. I told my husband that it scares me because she will never let us know, for example, if she gets depressed and suicidal. Bart does and will, and that's actually a good thing with Bart. But Jumper does not share these things. The experience with her boyfriend, while a worldwide common happening, really changed her. She is not boy crazy and took the relationship seriously and is still mourning the loss of it. Every so often she lets that out. It has almost been a year. Talking about therapy with her is as useless as talking to the dogs about therapy. And whether or not she needs it; is that obsessed over it still, I don't know.

Oh, well. I hope ache has a good two weeks with you after he comes home. And although I don't know his sport or team, I already am cheering for him and hope he ends up having a great year and that his team wins

 

[Lil]

I'm glad things are going along...sometimes not worse is all you can hope for and perhaps it will be a prelude to better.

I have to ask:

About the month ago his social media messages were more worrisome (inspirational messages about how winners never give up and how hard work pays off)

Why are inspirational messages worrisome? Heck, back when my son still bothered with FB I used to post them constantly, hoping one would actually ring a bell for him!

 

[SuZir]

Ache has always known how to keep a secret. From us, from others. When he was young, we never had an idea how bad things were at school and in neighbourhood. How badly he actually was bullied and hurt by other kids. He didn't tell, he lied, he covered things up. And while we did know he did lie, we never really understood how much he lied in the way we were not expecting. I mean, we did suspect he lied when he lied about not having homework, but when he lied that he had broken his bike/jacket/backpack by being careless or when he told he had had a fight with a friend when he had a black eye, we were not at all that suspicious. Or when we really screw up with him and husband ended up to ER with him and him having injuries that would had warranted charges for us and kids being removed, he lied to doctors and nurses so well, they didn't even check him properly (after which no amount of lying would had changed a thing.) And it was almost textbook abuse injury and they didn't even make him take his clothes off. And of course, when he grew bigger, so grew the lies.

When I have time with him and we can just be together, just lay on the floor and stare the ceiling and not talk. Or do some simple chores together, that is, when he may actually start talking. Not in the phone or when I try to ask something or have a conversation. But on his own time and phase. Or he may talk to his dad in sauna or at summer on the boat. But he sure as heck is not telling something, when asked or pressured.

He will move to new city, new team during in May too. The same he did sign already before Christmas and from which he is loaned to the team he plays for now. But still new place, new people and having to get to used all that. He does have one good friend in the new team, and one former team mate, he does not get along with, but almost all the others are new faces. That too can be the cause for his jadedness, not much reason to bond to anything or anyone for couple of months, just do his job and be done with it. But that too can be tough, not to be connected to anything.

I hope the end of the season, being home for a bit, travelling to see his girlfriend, who is currently abroad and having again a new start after that will help him find something to be more connected again. For me, one of the scariest things with him is, when he seems to be so alone, so unconnected, so not caring where he is or if he is at all.

 

[SuZir]

Why are inspirational messages worrisome? Heck, back when my son still bothered with FB I used to post them constantly, hoping one would actually ring a bell for him!

Because, for Ache, there is nothing real or authentic in those. I don't know if Ache posts them to try to convince himself that he should think like those or if he is just trying to give an image to others that he thinks like that or is he being sarcastic while trying to give 'a good image.'

When he is doing well, he tends to find those inspirational quotes naive, cliché or at times not making any sense (which in fact is kind of true often) and also feels that talk is cheap and actions speak louder. When he is feeling well and wants to post a positive social media message, it tends to be authentic, on his own voice, often over something small or common. Grand inspirational quotes borrowed from someone else tend to come up only, when he is not doing well at all.

 

[Lil]

I see. Strange that something that anyone who didn't know him well would see as a positive thing for him, the people who know him well would see as a sign of something wrong. Thank you for explaining.

 

[SuZir]

It's no fun watching the shoe dangle in the air waiting for it to drop...

I'm not sure which is worse;
watching it dangle there and wait it to drop
or;
watch and have that desperate, against all odds, hope, that maybe this time, maybe once, it does not drop.

When it all crashes down, there is at least something to do. Somewhere to be. Something to plan. And the wait is over.

 

[BusynMember]

I see. Strange that something that anyone who didn't know him well would see as a positive thing for him, the people who know him well would see as a sign of something wrong. Thank you for explaining.

I send them to Jumper all the time. She usually gives them a "like" and says, "I love you." I find them helpful too for me.

Now if Bart had a FB, he'd ask me to please not post those things. Guess they's all diff'rent

 

[SuZir]

Oh, well. I hope ache has a good two weeks with you after he comes home. And although I don't know his sport or team, I already am cheering for him and hope he ends up having a great year and that his team wins

I forgot to comment this. First, thank you for the best wishes for Ache (and his team have started their post-season well), but what I was struck with when I read this, was how totally uninvested I (and also husband) are for their success right now. I think I have last time cared this little of how his team does or been excited about things like that when he was 13 or 14 and things were just starting to get really competitive. Maybe it is because of his struggles off field or maybe because we don't have any connectness to his team, but it feels weird to care more about the success of local third league floor ball team to which we are in no way connected than the team our son plays for.

And I'm enough of the sports fan, that I miss caring about things like that.

 

[BusynMember]

I understand, Suz But HE cares and I care because HE cares