Adoption attorney appointment today - difficult child in all her glory

[C.J.]

When I first found this board, and had to come up with a pseudonym for my difficult child, I chose N* - the star being for the crown which she thinks adorns her lovely lil' difficult child head.

She showed it in spades today!

N* and I have met with the private social worker a few times, and today went to meet with the adoption attorney who will represent N*.

There are four possible sperm donors (PSD) - who all know she is pregnant, but not all of them know there are other possible candidates. Oh what a tangled web we weave....

The social worker does not think it would be a good idea to have N* review profiles of couples who wish to adopt until the SW has had an opportunity to speak with all of the PSDs to find out who are willing to sign consent docs and who are not. She thinks it is important to allow potential couples the option to "opt out" before even being considered if there is a possibility of a PSD contesting the adoption. Seems fair to those of us who are fair minded. Fair-minded is not difficult child's strong suit.

That know-it-all wants to withhold the name of the 4th PSD because "they always used a condom" - and "I don't think we had sex until after I was already pregnant."

Hello!!!! When N* discovered she was pregnant, and we tried to calculate the time of conception, she stated there were three PSDs. Within a few days, a sonogram was done, and it indicated the baby was 9 weeks old. Immediately, when N* heard that, she said, "Oh, NOW there might be somebody else who could be the father." This is the guy she does not want to be contacted for possible paternity.

When pressed, she just says she knows it could not be him.

This PRINCESS thinks there are couples lined up who live within a few miles of my home WILLING to pay for their own attorney fees, HER attorney fees, HER counselling & therapy costs, all the medical expenses I've paid out of MY pocket, DNA tests for her, baby, and PSD's, and she doesn't need to provide ALL the names "because I don't THINK it could be him."

She sure wasn't THINKING when she was having unprotected sex with FOUR PSDs in a two week period. Heck, I was the one who paid the co-pay for birth control pills!

But when one of the PSDs sent a message to her on "my(evil wicked site)space" which said "U wanna make a babi wit me?" Her reply was "ne time ne whare". (She has no idea I've seen it, but then again, she doesn't give me much credit for brains...)

At one point at the meeting today, the attorney explained that if one of the PSDs contests the adoption, the judge could order the potential adoptive couple to pay for an attorney to represent HIM. I'd had it...I said, "That makes me want to ask where the restroom is located, as I feel the sudden urge to put a finger down my throat." N* gave me THAT look.

I told her that up to this point, I was acting more like this child's father than any of the PSDs - I work 50-60 hours a week, I shop, I cook, I provide the home, I provide the transportation, I provided the maternity clothes, I paid for the dentist bills, the new eyeglasses and contacts she needs, the haircut she got yesterday....Where are the PSDs when it is time to shell out the money? Where are the PSDs when she needs to see the doctor, go to the ER, when she wakes up in the middle of the night with pain? No where to be found.

Where are the BABY's rights?

Over the weekend N* had begun to actually do some small things around the house without my asking her to do them (putting the dishes away, folding the towels and washcloths) - I had planned to post something about her recent nesting behavior - giving recognition where it was due - yeah right. Now I feel like it is more difficult child manipulation.

If you've stuck with me this far, thanks for letting me vent.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm really sorry it worked out that way. Actually, some couples are so desperate to adopt that they would put up with, what is called, a legal risk adoption. I wouldn't have done it, but there ARE couples who will, as there are couples who will not only pay all her fees, but feed and house her for months. We had friends who did this to a prospective birth mother only to have her decide to keep the baby at the last minute. There is no guarantee your daughter will go through with it even if she takes all the perks. Many change their minds after the baby is born and that is their right, even if prospective adoptive parents have paid out thousands of dollars to care for the birthmother. It's NOT a simple process, which is why there are so many wealthier couples who adopt overseas. It's much simpler. And it's not much more expensive. We got very lucky with our birthmother. She didn't want anything from us at all except for us to be good parents to the baby, and she was mature enough to sign her rights away...and Dad was in jail and she somehow talked him into signing too. If she hadn't, we would have said "we can't risk our hearts that way." However, WE are not EVERYONE. If your daughter holds out and says it's probably not the 4th sperm donor, trust me, couples will offer to adopt the baby anyway, even knowing the risks. It boggles my mind what people will do when they are desperate to have a baby. I've seen a lot! So you never know. She could find parents for the baby regardless of the status of the 4th father. In fact, I'll bet she will.
Keep venting. We're listening.

 

[Suz]

CJ, honestly, you have the patience of a saint. Vent all you want. As an adoptive Mom, pardon me while I smack N* upside the head for you.

Suz

 

[susiestar]

No personal experience with adoption, but I agree that you have amazing patience!

I hope the conflama she seems to want to create never fully develops. I am so sorry she dragged all this into your life and expects you to just pay for it and be happy about it.

Take time to treat yourself, to be gentle and loving to YOU. You sure deserve it!

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

I agree. You have the patience of a saint. I'm afraid after that fiasco I would be staying out of any and all adoption proceedings.

 

[C.J.]

MWM,

No way she keeps this baby - unless she wants to live in a homeless shelter with the baby. I am adamant that she is not bringing this baby into my home and the accompanying SD drama and chaos that will undoubtedly ensue. I am not arguing with a difficult child about how to properly care for a baby. I'm not listening ONCE to her tell me, "I'M his mother, not you...."

I told the attorney today that we do not need any money from any prospective couples for pre-birth expenses. If there are those who have already paid a retainer to their attorney, put money in escrow for a potential birth mother's expenses for attorney, social worker, medical costs....that's fine, but as long as N* was living in my home, she has no need for upfront costs from someone else. I also explained that I was willing to have the adoptive couple who is chosen to know that if necessary, I have EVERY receipt for EVERY expense I have provided for N* during her pregnancy - and would be willing to testify on their behalf at any contested adoption hearing. There is one PSD who has told N* he does not want the baby placed for adoption if he is SD - (he's not #4). He unfortunately, is the one I think is actually the SD. While N* does not have (she says) any recall of who she had sex with the weekend in question (if 9 week sonogram is accurate), I believe she spent the night with him at that time. Ugh.

I have the complete names, addresses & phone numbers for each of the PSD's - it's not like they haven't been calling my house for the last two years. But since I'm not the client, even if I provide this information to the SW or the attorney, they cannot use it without N*'s permission.

N* wants an open adoption - ideally (for her) she would want the couple to live VERY close to my house, so she could see this child every day for several hours, have overnight and weekend visitation, take him out for ice cream, get his picture taken with her, and every other outrageous immature idea that pops into her head.

She has an appointment with the SW on Thursday - maybe she can convince her to give her permission to contact #4 - just so we can then begin to review the profiles she has and begin to make contact with a few people.

I knew this was not going to be easy.

 

[BusynMember]

CJ, wow, I'm so sorry. So what she really wants are people to parent and take care of the child (and pay for it), but she still wants unlimited access. It is very unlikely to happen that way, especially since she is so dysfunctional. I really wish you the best of luck with this. I know it has got to be excutiating. (((Hugs)))

 

[TerryJ2]

Hmm. CJ is going to be in for a disappointment. Open adoption mean the potential for access, but it does not mean an extended family situation.
Plus, she will move on with her life, and once the novelty is over, she will not want as much contact. She will surprise herself.
Additionally, the adoption papers will be changed to indicate that the actual parents are the adoptive parents. I don't understand why, but I saved both copies of ours, and glued the original underneath so you can lift up the new one and see both.
The adoptive parents can change the baby's name, move out of state, change religions, etc. You cannot control what other people do.
If your daughter meets potential couples, she needs to ask them how much contact they are comfortable with, what sorts of hobbies they have, how they plan to discipline, and other related questions. The bmoms we interviewed with asked us our political views, religious view, and what we ate. They also asked us our name choices, which was very important to them.
A good way to talk to the potential dads is to talk money. "If you do not want to be saddled with-bills for the rest of your life, sign this release."
Most guys sign with-the speed of light.

 

[Rhonda]

Honey, you need a break! Good grief! You must have about 10 halo's hovering!!

You do realize that from what you have posted it sounds like you are handling this like you would if it were you doing it. It does not sound like how this difficult child would handle it at all unless she had a nice saint to force her to.

What would happen if you backed out? What if you said it is yours, I am done. You have a nice home. A roof over your head and food on your plate. That is it. Love you mean it.

Would she come and actually ask you to pay for the doctor visit or take her to it? Would she even remember to go? Would she find a way to meet with the attorney on her on? Would she grow up a little and take some responsiblity for her actions?

I dont believe in expecting responsibility from people (but that is me). I think responsibility is doing the best you can with where you are in life. It doesnt sound like she has had that opportunity. Maybe you would be less frustrated if you gave her that opportunity and had no expectations of her. She would then have to live with those choices not you (unless you make yourself).

You are right you are more the father than whichever one actually is. Why? Because they are not? Why? Seems like something you have put on yourself. I certainly dont know the whole situation so disregard my opinion if I did not understand. But if the shoe fits..

I can't imagine being in your situation. You truly have held yourself accountable for way more than the mother has. I think I would stop paying for everything and go to Mexico and have a massage and a margarita. I might even use the extra money to hire a nanny to handle difficult child's appointments while I was gone... (to make sure I could enjoy the massage)

 

[C.J.]

Rhonda,

N* left home 6 days after she turned 18 and was gone for ten of the most peaceful weeks I can remember in a very long time.

When she'd had enough carp from PSD#1, she called me and asked if she could come home. I told her she could, as long as she realized the same reasonable rules and expectations I have in my home did not change. We talked about her going back to school and getting a job.

When she came home, she wasn't feeling well - terribly tired, a blood test confirmed Mono. Hard to force someone to get a job or go to school when truly sick. She never got better though - at one point even asked me if she could get Mono again so soon... She'd put on a little weight (but had taken herself off Ritalin) and I began to think she was pregnant. At 8 weeks, she finally told me she thought she might be. We went together to a crisis pregnancy center, where the pregnancy was confirmed.

She told everyone she was too young and too immature to raise a child right now, and planned to place the baby for adoption. I supported this decision. We talked. I told her she could continue to live at home, and provide financial and emotional support. Since she was still covered on my insurance plan, it would be EASIER FOR ME to have her see a doctor who was closer to my home/office than to have her go through welfare. (No car, no driver's license) I made it clear to her that ALL appts are scheduled AT MY CONVENIENCE. All the doctor's offices call the day before to remind her of the appointment, and I let her know when I'll be ready to leave/pick her up. If she's not ready when it is time to go, I leave with out her, and she gets to deal with rescheduling. She tested me on it once, and I left without her. She has not tested me again.

Am I being more responsible than she is right now? Yes - I'm holding up my end of the bargain. Is she being more responsible today than she was the last two years when she had a doctor's appointment? Yes

I've made her call the social worker and attorney on her own. They only call me to arrange the actual appointment time since I am supplying transportation. While I have sat in on the appointments, I've made it clear SHE is the client -- I feel their pain when she starts acting like a difficult child.

We've talked about post pregnancy plans, and if she stays in my home, if she's in school, she needs a part time job. No school, she works 40 hours a week. She would pay reasonable rent. She needs to learn to drive (her cost - I already pulled money out of her college fund to pay for the friend's car she totalled), get her driver's license, and save money for a car, tags, taxes and insurance.

I'm proud of her for deciding to go through with the adoption plan. I know placing the baby for adoption will be the most difficult thing she will endure up to this point in her life. I will give her time and space to grieve and heal. And then I will expect her to get off of her rear end, and make her own plans for the rest of her life.

 

[Nomad]

I admire your strength and courage!
Just for background...this was years ago...when we adopted our child the PSD didn't sign the papers. There was a delay. It caused lots of heartache. He eventually signed. Heartache. Heartache. Red flash warning: Heartache. Gee....wonder if you've had enough of that so far???
You are doing the right thing insisting that all sign.
It's so good that you are encouraging the adoption and that your daughter seems to be accepting it.
Wishing you well...hang in there.

 

[TerryJ2]

CJ,
you probably already know, but check your state laws and ask your atty about the legality of cash expenses. In my state, potential adoptive parents may not give $ to the potential bmom. Too many adoptive parents have been burned that way. (Not that your daughter would do that, just that that's the reason for the law in our state.)
If they want to pay medical expenses, the $ goes to the atty, and the atty sends it to the dr or hospital.
Small gifts may be given in our state, such as a maternity shirt or a book.

How is your daughter doing?

How far along is she?

I'm sending strength.