Adult Daughter and Grandson Homeless

[marierose16]

I am new to this forum and stumbled upon this site today. I have been dealing with ODD with my daughter, now 23, since she was young. I think there are other undiagnosed mental health issues, but she refuses to get help. It’s been a long road. My husband and I have experienced abuse, violence, dishonesty, stealing, bullying and manipulation for too many years. We’ve provided her with countless opportunities to get her life going, but she refuses to work or go to college. Instead, she got pregnant at age 21. She’s been in 2 relationships since then, most recently with a woman and has moved out of state. Since she left, she and my grandson haven’t had a permanent home. They have been going from house to house with whoever will take them in. As of this week, they have run out of options and are now homeless. They were given a hotel for 2 nights by a Mission and I paid for the last 2 nights in a hotel. Now they are asking for money. I am encouraging them to find a social services office that can help them with resources. I can’t offer them a place to live because I have 2 young children and it’s not a healthy environment when my adult daughter is living in our home. I’m worried sick about my grandson. I’m just looking for any insight, experiences, advice, etc from anyone that’s been in a similar situation. Thank you.

 

[elizabrary]

I've been down a similar road with my daughter. At one point when my granddaughter was about 2 y/o I put her out of my house for her refusal to follow the rules in the contract I had her sign when she moved back in. They bounced around a lot and I was worried sick, but I didn't give any financial help, etc. I even called my parents and asked them not to help either but I have no idea if they did or not. My granddaughter is 9 now and my daughter has been relatively stable the last 4 years. By stable I mean having a place to live, a job and being able to pay her bills for the most part. My daughter is an alcoholic and swings between sobriety and not sobriety. She had a horrible boyfriend for probably 7 years off and on. They broke up about a year ago and she got into a relationship with her 5th grade boyfriend, who lives in a different state. She is now pregnant again. Not what I would choose for her, but it will keep her sober for a bit. She has kept a job and finished a full semester at community college recently, so that is good. She's never been able to complete a semester before.

Many times I have had to take breaks from communication with my daughter. These troubled adult kids are master manipulators and while I'm much better at maintain boundaries now there are times I find myself getting sucked into the drama. When that happens I have to turn off my phones and put my focus back on me. It's a really difficult situation when grandchildren are involved. If I want my granddaughter to have something I purchase it for her. I never give the money to my daughter as it might disappear. I spend a lot of time with my granddaughter and try to bring stability and positivity to her life. She is an incredibly easy, joyful child who always wants to be helpful and do the right thing. I know how stressful this is for you. Please try to focus on yourself and be kind to yourself. Do things you enjoy, learn about boundaries, and start enforcing healthy ones with your daughter. Sending peace to you.

 

[marierose16]

I appreciate you taking the time to reply and share your story with me. Sometimes it helps just to know you’re not alone. I am hopeful hearing that your daughter has made some positive strides and pray mine does too. Learning more about boundaries is a great suggestion. I struggle with that and don’t want to enable. Wishing you peace as well.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome Marierose. I understand your concern, I ended up raising my granddaughter from age 11 until she she left for college. It is extremely difficult to be on the sidelines when our adult kids go off the rails.........made worse when there are little ones in the mix.

It may be helpful to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

You might also contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and you can find them online. Here is the link: About NAMI | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness They offer excellent courses for parents which may help you with information, clarity, support and resources for you, your daughter and grandson.

I found it very difficult to maneuver through the emotional landscape on my own so I got myself into as many supportive environments as I could. You might try therapy or counseling so you have a place to go where you feel safe and receive the support and nourishment that YOU need. Often when we've been caring for our wayward adult kids for a long time, our ability to care for ourselves is thwarted. I'd encourage you to focus on yourself and the rest of your family so you can build up your strength and nurture yourself......when we are nourished and supported, we are better able to make healthy choices for ourselves and our kids. Here are two links to help find a therapist in your area if that works for you: Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today
Find a Therapist

You might try calling 211 which is a nationwide system of support. Crisis
They may be able to help with shelters and safe homes.

Continue posting if that feels right to you......you're not alone. This is a tough path we're on.....hang in there.....

 

[Triedntrue]

I am not in a similar situation but welcome to our group and i will say a little prayer.

 

[Crayola13]

If the mental illness hasn't been adequately treated, she might feel as if she cannot fit in at any job or do well. I think the cost of daycare is one factor. Is she open to counseling or medications?