Adult son hospitalized for threatening suicide

[JKF]

I don't know the whole story but I think he had no choice about going. He was on the train tracks threatening suicide and someone called the police. He was then taken by ambulance to the ER and admitted after observation. The last two times he went they let him go after observation saying he was fine and not suicidal. Obviously something was different this time.

Anyway - my friend works in this field and deals with the social workers at that hospital often. She has a call into them and so do I. I know they won't be able to tell anything specific without difficult child's consent but at least they can listen to my concerns and answer the few generic questions I have.

I may actually go visit him tomorrow evening. I'm not sure yet though. It's something I need to think about some more. I haven't seen him since he left for Idaho last September so it's been almost a year. Even though he came back in June I chose not to see him. It's been very hard but in the same sense it's been the best decision I've made in a long time. However, I feel like it may be time to finally see him and the psychiatric hospital seems like the safest place.

And then - I'm going to continue to practice my detachment and not get too involved. A phone call to the SW and a half hour visit I can handle. Nothing more than that and I'm going to make sure he understands that. Earlier he was already saying that he needs rides, etc when he gets out and I said I'm sure he'll figure that out when the time comes.

The only thing I'm nervous about is that this particular psychiatric hospital is in our town. It's only 2.5 miles from here. I'm scared he'll get out and head directly here. I'm praying before that happens he'll have some services in place and somewhere to go but who knows. All I can do is continue to be strong and keep my boundaries firmly in place.


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[JKF]

Yeah he's definitely not "there" yet. I just talked to him. He has an excuse for everything. Every suggestion I give him - try calling the OTA, MHA, talk to the social worker, go to the mission for shelter, etc is met with an excuse as to why those suggestions won't work. The OTA doesn't answer the phone, MHA won't help, the social worker has no suggestions, the rules of the mission are too strict and it's run by a bunch of drunks who use god as a cover. It truly is like talking to a brick wall. It so frustrating because he isn't even willing to try.

Earlier he made a comment that living on the streets is good most days. He confirmed that he's "friends with the whole homeless community". He said he has fun most days but some days are horrible and those are the days he wants to die.

So he'll most likely be released Thursday and go right back to the streets. Time to go say the serenity prayer.


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[BusynMember]

From the autobiography I read written by the homeless young adult, who chose to be homeless, the mission has strict rules about curfew and the clients have to all listen to a sermon before they get to eat and of course there is no getting high. So many of his street freinds (adult in the book) and himself had been thrown out and could eat there, but not live there. He seemed to have fun on the streets himself. He lived in a "tent city" and everyone had a free tent and there was always good stuff to eat and everyone knew where to go for food and shelter. Most didn't stay in a shelter because they wanted to use drugs or get drunk or both.

After reading that book, it gave me a new outlook on the homeless population. There is a lot of support for one another out there and in the community. For the most part, the homeless prefer not following rules and having no homes to having homes and having to follow societal rules. This young man had an open invitation to live with his sister, but he kept turning her down (the communicated by e-mail at the library). At the end of the book, he finally agreed to go stay with her, but it wasn't because he was unhappy. He sort of was flippant...time to join society again, although he did not say he planned on quitting drugs and his sister did not set down any rules for him. I wanted to find out what happened to the young man, but he didn't give an epilogue and I don't even know if he used his real name.

I wish I could remember the name of that book. It was very good and honest. He didn't try to make himself any better than he was. Oh, yeah. Jail didn't bother him either. He pretty much just went with the flow no matter what happened to him. Nothing really bad did.

Guess they have to be ready for a huge lifestyle change...basically ready to join society and it's rules. I had no idea there was such an active homeless community nor that there were so many services for the homeless, although I had once worked at a homeless shelter. I thought we were unique.

I hope your son eventually decides to join society again one day. That and quitting drugs are the two biggies for all of our wayward young adult children.

 

[Childofmine]

JKF, as my SO would say: he's not done cookin' yet.

It is almost impossible to understand what "done cookin'" will ever look like for some of our difficult children.

I am reaching a new level of acceptance right now.

I was becoming a bit hopeful (always a slippery slope for me) about difficult child as his talk----even though his walk----was more mature, more adult and more serious. No or little drama and grandiosity.

But still no action.

I just don't think being homeless---especially in the summer---is that bad of a state of being. There are so many services now for homeless people and like difficult child told me last week, like your difficult child said: "it's not bad, and sometimes it's fun."

Really? That is living in the moment, is it not? Our difficult children have perfected the art of living in the moment and not thinking about the next moment or later today or tomorrow or next week.

I am sorry, JKF that he is still talking the same talk. I am glad you saw him after a year of not seeing him, and I can imagine that was an emotional experience for you. I hope you are okay.

I also think these young men have brains that are far from mature and complete, and if they use drugs, the maturation is further delayed. Maybe the "cookin'" has something to do with just merely getting older, for some of them.

Who knows? I mean, only God knows their journey.

Our journey is to let go, focus on our lives, set boundaries and accept reality. We must work for this constantly, or it is not achievable.

Warm hugs JKF. You are really moving forward. Please keep us apprised of how YOU are. Keep moving forward.

 

[nlj]

For the most part, the homeless prefer not following rules and having no homes to having homes and having to follow societal rules.

I just don't think being homeless---especially in the summer---is that bad of a state of being.

"it's not bad, and sometimes it's fun."

It's Summer though, that's the thing isn't it? It's a bit like being on a boys' camping trip in Summer I think, or that's their attitude to it. I had a text from my son yesterday - an SOS for socks! He says he's ill with 'flu and trying to make his treehouse more weather-proof before Winter. He says it's good practice and preparation for the end of his long, long Summer holiday. Sums it up really. We'll see how he feels in November. Hang in there JKF, maybe he'll be "done cooking" come Winter.

 

[JKF]

Thanks Lucy. I'm a little angry at myself for allowing some hope to creep in. I had truly hoped that this was a step in the right direction for him. I had hoped that maybe there was a doctor or social worker who could help him. Instead he's been given Depakote and will be back on the streets Thursday where, let's be honest, he won't take the medications and will continue to become more mentally ill day by day. I have a call into the SW so I can address my concerns but I'm wondering if I should also write to the social worker and doctor to address my concerns. I have pages of Facebook posts from the last two months where difficult child expresses time and time again that he's going to kill himself and he knows how he's going to do it. There are pictures of him holding a razor blade and cuts on his arms. That should show a pattern of suicidal thoughts right? I don't want to jump back into my old pattern of "rescuing" difficult child but he's FINALLY somewhere where he can get help and that's not going to last long and it's freaking me out. That tried and true feeling of defeat has resurfaced once again.

 

[nlj]

I'm a little angry at myself for allowing some hope to creep in

We all need hope, it's the thing that keeps us all going.

I have pages of Facebook posts from the last two months where difficult child expresses time and time again that he's going to kill himself and he knows how he's going to do it. There are pictures of him holding a razor blade and cuts on his arms.

Is this real JKF? Or a big drama he's created with himself as the star? Who are his 'friends' and followers on FB who are drinking up all this drama?

If you write to the social worker and doctor then that puts the responsibility in their hands, and I think that's a good idea.

That tried and true feeling of defeat has resurfaced once again.

But it's not you JKF- it's your son who has chosen to be defeated, you haven't done anything or changed anything. This is just the latest episode in a long-running saga. Go for a walk, find somewhere nice to stop and eat cake, think about what a strong, good person you are. Chase that despairing feeling away.

 

[Echolette]

Do you think he is escalating his behaviors because he cannot get to you in the usual ways?

I think it is important to hold this possibility in mind, especially with your concerns about him being a sociopath.

And sadly, the follow up care all falls on our kids. The hospital will likely send him with a packet of potential follow ups, and may even identify "best fits" but he will need to go, pay a copay, do a new intake, provide new documents. It is always frustrating, never easy. When I used to participate in that I found that I wuld do all the follow up arrangements and difficult child would go...oh...about 3 times. Maybe.

This time I left it up to him.

And he went...oh...three times. Maybe.

Hugs to you, my dear. Hold tight to what you know to be true.

Echo

 

[JKF]

Is this real JKF? Or a big drama he's created with himself as the star? Who are his 'friends' and followers on FB who are drinking up all this drama?

You're right. I believe it's often a show for others. There are times when he pretends he is someone else announcing his death. Like "Hi this is difficult child's friend and difficult child commited suicide. RIP difficult child". It's so sickeningly disturbing.

If you write to the social worker and doctor then that puts the responsibility in their hands, and I think that's a good idea.

I think I'm going to just so they have an idea of what truly goes on. I honestly don't think it will make a difference but difficult child is so manipulative and cunning and I know he spins them right around his finger. He tells everyone how he was abused and how his family doesn't want him. He plays victim when in reality he's the assailant.

But it's not you JKF- it's your son who has chosen to be defeated, you haven't done anything or changed anything.

You're 100% right Lucy and I think I'm forgetting that. It's not me. It's him. If it was me I would be doing everything I could to get myself some help. He obviously doesn't want to and that's his decision.

So on that note, I decided that I'm going to do 3 things that I feel I need to do and then step back. First, I am going to get a copy of his BC today. According to him that's the main reason why he can't apply for services. Supposedly he has had no way to get to the office of vital statistics and doesn't have the $20 required to pay for it. So I'll get it but this will be the LAST time I ever do so. Second, I will visit him tonight (for the first time in a year) and bring the BC plus the few remaining clothes he has in my home. Lastly, I will print out any resources and applications I can find today to places that might be able to help him. I will give him those tonight and tell him it's up to him to follow up. If he doesn't that's on him. I plan to be firm with him tonight and remind him that this is his responsibility. We love him but can not help him. Only he can help himself at this point. I will also remind him that if he shows up at our home he will be asked to leave and that if he doesn't the police will be called.

I am a little nervous about seeing him but I feel like it's something I need to do in order to move forward.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good plan JKF. May the force be with you.............

Sending good thoughts and hugs........you're a warrior in the highest standing..........

 

[Echolette]

JFK,

that plan has the ring of truth and rightness about it. I hope the cloak of that stays with you and brings you comfort, strength and peace.

Echo

 

[Childofmine]

So on that note, I decided that I'm going to do 3 things that I feel I need to do and then step back. First, I am going to get a copy of his BC today. According to him that's the main reason why he can't apply for services. Supposedly he has had no way to get to the office of vital statistics and doesn't have the $20 required to pay for it. So I'll get it but this will be the LAST time I ever do so. Second, I will visit him tonight (for the first time in a year) and bring the BC plus the few remaining clothes he has in my home. Lastly, I will print out any resources and applications I can find today to places that might be able to help him. I will give him those tonight and tell him it's up to him to follow up.

JKF this is the writing-down of a good boundary. You decide what you will do, you write it down, and you carry it out. Then you wait and see and let some time go by, and go from there.

I believe if we can think and act methodically, like this indicates, we are better off. We are clearer-headed, and we can go forward without confusion.

Now, someone may throw a curve ball into that plan, and if they do, JKF, you can say this: Well, that is new information. I'll think about that and let you know.

Hang on to what you know and have learned, JKF.

I so understand your frustration about what you said about letting hope creep back in. We do that, we get hopeful, and then those hopes are dashed.

But what is the alternative, JKF? I believe that is what it means to be fully human. You are showing your innate and deep love and humanity.

Yesterday, in an Al-anon meeting, there was this quote from one of the Al-anon books that we all reflected on: "There are times when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting."

There is a lot to unpack there. It hurts to hope and then to have our hopes dashed. But it is what we do while this happens and is happening, that will make the difference in our ability to grow our acceptance of the situation over time.

 

[JKF]

I can't get the BC until tomorrow because they only accept cash. What kind of nonsense is that? It is what it is though. So tomorrow morning I'll withdraw $20 and stop to get the BC on my way to work. My visit with difficult child will be delayed until tomorrow evening because I don't have it in me to visit him twice. I know that sounds mean but I think one visit will wipe me out and two in a row would surly start to wear me down.

I finally spoke with the social worker at the hospital. The guy was nice but told me there's nothing they can do for him. difficult child is in the voluntary unit and they don't provide any follow up care. The will refer him and transport him to the Office of Temp Assistance upon his release Thursday morning. I guess that's better than nothing. I explained some of difficult child's behaviors and history to him and he said "Really? Well he's been absolutely fine, even thriving, since his arrival". I laughed and said yeah, sounds about right. I explained that yes, difficult child does thrive in places like that. It's every day society that he can't handle. It's following rules and social norms that he can't deal with. The guy was also like "he tested 100% clean for all alcohol and drugs so it's clearly not a substance abuse issue" to which I applied that it's never been a substance abuse issue. It's all mental illness which scares me the most. I then told the guy that I truly believe difficult child has antisocial personality disorder. I asked the guy if his history could be taken into account - the stealing, lying, threats, posts about suicide, etc - and he told me no. They can only go on how he's acting in the moment. They can't "predict" what he "might" do after his release. Ughhhh! Ok great. How very helpful. Seriously - the whole thing makes me SICK!

"There are times when I have to hurt through a situation, and when this happens, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting."

What a wonderful quote COM! Thank you for sharing that. I think while I'm hurting I'm going to go get changed into my most comfy pj pants and put my energy into cooking the best damn dinner that I've made in a while!

 

[nlj]

it's never been a substance abuse issue

I get so fed up of saying that to people who assume, because my son looks and lives as he does, that he must be 'on drugs'.

Comfy PJs, great idea

 

[hopeandjoy66]

JKF, this sounds like a well thought out plan and you sound very strong. I love the quote from COM from her Al-anon book is great thought to remember and ruminate over.

 

[JKF]

So I tried to do something to keep my mind off of difficult child. I cooked, I cleaned, I downloaded a new book onto my kindle, i worked on a new design, I tended to my garden - all of the things that usually bring me peace and pleasure these days. None of it worked tonight. I'm so blah and cranky. I was snappy with both my husband and easy child. I wanted nothing to do with either of them tonight. All I wanted was to be left alone. I have high anxiety and I'm exhausted yet totally wide awake and on edge. Hmmmmm. I remember these feelings. I lived like this for years straight. Every waking moment was agony. All I could think about was difficult child nonstop. It consumed my very being. Much like tonight. But the difference between now and then is that I realize it. Yes I'm having a bad day and might even have another tomorrow but I know what I need to do in order for it to pass. I need to accept these feelings - fear, disappointment, frustration, sadness, guilt - and lean into them. I need to feel the feelings and then let them go. Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter what. I can't control the outcome.

So here's what's running repeatedly through my mind tonight:
What will happen to difficult child after he gets out of the psychiatric hospital? Where will he go? Will the OTA help him? Will he keep taking the new medications (depakote and trazodone) even though they knock him out? If so will he be safe on the streets on medications that knock him out? Will he overdose by mistake? On purpose??

I seriously despise feeling like this. It's been quite sometime since it's been this bad. I just need to get through tomorrow - my first time actually seeing difficult child in almost a year - and then I need to get back to business as usual. I need to continue on the path that has finally started to heal me after years of being sick over difficult child's situation. I need to stay strong and have concrete boundaries and continue to detach. It's the only way......



Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Echolette]

JKF,

we can honor your feelings...everything from the honest attempt to remove yourself emotionally by doing things you enjoy, to snapping at the ones who love and care for you, to the agitation and exhaustion. You are right..the only thing left is to lean in, and do the next right thing. That is all we can do.

It is disheartening to feel like we are thrown back to the beginning by something, big or small, that our difficult child does. It feels like all our hard work has been lost...but it hasn't been. We are here to testify to that. Getting back to the healthy place gets easier. It sounds like you know that. Do what you have planned to do. Continue to do the things that enrich you. And make some space to lean in, to help the feelings go on their way. Let them rest with you a bit so that they can then move on.

My heart is with you tonight. The dawn will come soon enough, I promise.

Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy JKF do I understand every word you said, every single one........just reading your account brings me back to that place, not so very long ago.........I am so sorry JKF. I know how you feel.

And, yet, as we warriors learn, we withstand it somehow and it gets better in a little bit of time. It doesn't last once we express our feelings, acknowledge them, allow them.............they dissipate. It feels bad, I know that, it feels REALLY bad............and you did everything right, all the same things we all do........and time does its time thing and then you are somewhere else and the intensity, the profound depth of your despair has passed............

Tomorrow the sun will shine, the birds will sing, husband and easy child will be there loving you, you will have a whole new day to grab and you'll likely be feeling a lot better.

Let us know how it goes seeing your difficult child.

Wishing you peace..............

 

[Childofmine]

Yes I'm having a bad day and might even have another tomorrow but I know what I need to do in order for it to pass.

This is the crucial difference between then and now. Because you are working and learning and changing, JKF, and you have a set of tools to use, you will get back on level ground soon. Much sooner than ever before.

I need to accept these feelings - fear, disappointment, frustration, sadness, guilt - and lean into them. I need to feel the feelings and then let them go. Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter what. I can't control the outcome.

Yes. You know this. You are absolutely right. Just keep allowing the feelings to wash over and through you and feel them, and let them come, and soon, they will dissipate, as RE says.

What will happen to difficult child after he gets out of the psychiatric hospital? Where will he go? Will the OTA help him? Will he keep taking the new medications (depakote and trazodone) even though they knock him out? If so will he be safe on the streets on medications that knock him out? Will he overdose by mistake? On purpose??

These and so many more questions, even. We want to know the future so badly. We want some assurance that our difficult children will somehow, someway, somewhere, just be okay. That is really all we want, here, now. We are way past anything else. Just let them me okay.

my first time actually seeing difficult child in almost a year

JKF, for some reason I thought you saw him already. So, yes, this is a huge, huge part of your angst right now. The anticipation of the visit. The not knowing. The not-needing-to-feel-any-more-pain. But wanting to see him. Hangin there and walk through the visit. You will come out on the other side, and you may need to take a step or two back but you will be okay---back to level ground, soon. Let time take its time with YOU as well. Just let it.

we can honor your feelings..

And we do honor each and every crazy and nutty and backward and forward feeling. It is okay.

t feels like all our hard work has been lost...but it hasn't been. We are here to testify to that. Getting back to the healthy place gets easier.

RE told me this on June 26 when I lost it completely for about 24 hours---I was undone---and I was afraid I was going back to the dark and crazy and never-ending place but I did not. I got back on level ground fairly quickly. Within a few days I was back to thinking mostly clearly. I can say that going to an Al-Anon meeting every day for a week was a huge boost to that.

It doesn't last once we express our feelings, acknowledge them, allow them.............they dissipate.

Thankfully. I used to ward off, fight off, the feelings, because I was truly afraid they would kill me. But they do not, JKF. Lean in. Warm Hugs, we are here for you, circling those wagons. Praying that the visit is okay today.

 

[JKF]

I got his birth certificate with no problem and also bought him 4 pairs of shorts and 4 shirts bc the social worker explained that he literally has nothing and the clothes on his back were ripped to shreds and falling off when he was admitted. Ugggggh! So yeah I got him some clothes. But the great part is that I got the 4 shirts and 4 pairs of shorts for only $12 total at Walmart! Got to love the clearance section! Lol

Anyway I seriously can't wait until tonight is over. I'm in full blown panic attack mode. Not seeing him for all of this time has allowed me the space to detach. I'm terrified that once I see him in person I'll be sucked right back into the drama. My heart is literally pounding out of my chest right now and I'm sick to my stomach. God I hate feeling like this!


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app