Am i being unreasonable?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by skittles, Dec 3, 2019.

  1. skittles

    skittles Member

    I need some clarity here. I havent been on this forum in a long time so to recap, i have a difficult child son who had 5 kids with his exgirlfriend. They hate each other but as they are split up and she has no car i am her primary support and transportation and have been for nearly 11 years . She is also a difficult child and we’ve definately had serious ups and downs over the years but i have never abandoned her. Recently she moved her new boyfriend in her house and she is pregnant. ive been very accepting of him as shes lonely and he seems to help alot with the kids. Problem is he seems to hate me, maybe because im her exes mom? Anyway hes been obvsly angry at me for awhile, told her he doesnt want me in the house. I took her to the grocery store the other day and i made a comment about her not helping to pack the bags, he got angry and yelled at me “YOU dont disrespect shayla or u will have to [email protected]&$ing deal with me!” well i got angry back and said “ what are you going to do about it” He saud “il slash your f&[email protected] tires!” I really lost it then and we had a screaming match in the grocery store parking lot. later after i calmed down i tried to talk to him for her sake but he just went off on me again and started telling me he’s killed people, I took that as a threat, plus the tire slashing bit, now i refuse to have him in my car. My ex daughter in law is upset, she says hes not going anywhere so this is a problem if i wont let him in my car. i told her i dont feel comfortable around him, hes trying to assert control over me and i wont let him. And if he ever threatens me again i will call police which will involve childrens aid so he best stay away from me. i know hes giving her a hard time. when i went to pick her up today to take my granddaughter for her vacinnes he was in the driveway, saw me and threw his gloves at the door, then left and took off from the house. to me this is controlling, abusive behaviour. However i know i overreacted when i lost my temper at the grocery store so im in the wrong too. am i overreacting or do i have cause to be concerned? i beleive in my gut feeling and i get that anxious feeling around him. but its going to be a fight and an argument with her every time i need to take her somewhere. I know its a difficult issue if shes having a child with him and i wont let him in the car, but if i budge on that boundry he know he can bully me and get away with it. Any advice?
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the forum. I am up late so I saw this and I have only my opinion and experience to share. So, as they say in Al Anon, take what you like and leave the rest. But here is how I see it. And my heart pounded just reading your story. I am so sorry.

    in my opinion you are way too involved with your ex daughter in law. I also have a grandson who is the child of my extremely difficult daughter yet I could not get anyone to care about her neglect of this child. But we kept trying and now he is no longer with her. It is a good thing for my grandson.

    Your grandkids are not safe if your ex daughter in law is with a nut like this boyfriend. Does ex daughter in law take drugs? Ever been in jail? Is she capable of caring for six kids? Are they safe with her and this new guy?

    Perhaps you have been around your troubled son and daughter in law for so many years that you have become desensitized to what is appropriate and what is a threat to you and those you love. I know it is possible to be around crazy for so long that crazy seems like no big deal.

    That you had the guts to answer angrily to a dangerous sounding man like this boyfriend makes me wonder if you are used to that kind of talk. I think many of us would have been scared or terrified, not angry.

    I can only speak for me. I would have been terrified. I would never have spoken back to his crazy dangerous threats. I would have done the best I could to get into my car alone and called the police. I would have been afraid for myself and my grandchildren. Period. No way would I ever had taken him on or not called the police. Not a chance. Maybe I would have given daughter in law cash for an Uber but I would not want either driving with me

    Does this man know where you live? Do you have alarms on your house? I would not deal with him nor her while he is with her. No way.

    But I also would not have supported a grown woman, not related to me. No rides. No money. She has to be 30 plus. Does she work? Is she an adult in mind? I don't know all the X factors but there is a good chance, if I was in my 50s still, that I would call Protective services and, if appropriate, try for custody. Or get a younger relative to maybe do this. Or, as the last resort, try to get the grands into foster care.

    The kids must be having issues. This is not healthy. It's scary. A child mom and a crazy boyfriend who may or may not hit them and/or belittle them. He may carry out his threats to you too.

    I am not sure of the best answer for your situation. From what I know it seems as if this guy is a nut and the woman is not competent to be a functional mother to so many kids. I know I would have called the police and also long ago stopped supporting the mother. You can't live forever. This woman is not needing to learn to be responsible.....yet she is still having babies.

    She is dangerous too, having kids she can not support or care for. Crazy. Bringing nutty men into the lives of your grands. Her first priority is not her babies.

    Is your son in a better place now so HE can go for custody?

    If God is in your life, lean on Him. If drugs are in a loved ones life I urge you to go to Nar Anon or Al Anon. I go to both. I also recommend a therapist to help you decide what is healthy for you.This can't be healthy.Not for you, your ex daughter in law or the kids. in my opinion everything needs more sanity.

    This situationn is horrible. daughter in law can use more Protective Services in her life and you need to take a break and not be so involved with her craziness. Let the professionals, who have the power to force changes that may help the kids, do so. You have no such authority and the kids need protection. From boyfriend AND daughter in law.

    This to me is not about this one scary incident.

    It is about the entire crazy situation. All of it. Boy friend. daughter in law. Son. Grandkids. Your role....

    Do YOU have a support system? Family? Friends? A church community? Anyone.

    You can not save your ex daughter in law. She is on a dangerous path. I would focus on the children and let daughter in law learn the hard way. When you are gone nobody will keep rescuing her. She needs to stand alone and learn to grow up. Jmo.

    I hope you take care of yourself and concentrate on that. Let professionals deal with the other players. You can not save anyone. We all can only save one

    I would call the police and protective services. I have tried and, as bad as my grandson's situation was before we got him out of his house, your grandkids sound as if the parental figures are even worse than my daughter and her useless husband.

    Do not try to be Wonder Woman. We cant. Yes, I tried to do it myself too. I failed. You will also see that you can not change anything in that story except yourself.

    I hope you choose the police and staying away from both boyfriend and daughter in law at least while she is with him. Pity that she will be having his child.
    I will pray for you and hold out my hand for you to grab. All of us are here to support you and give you our best advice that we share from our hearts.

    I have a book for you... "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. It's great.

    Many hugs and hope. Others will come along.
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2019
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I apologize for assuming you live in the U.S. May I ask where you are? The supports for your grandchildren would be different than my recommendations if you live somewhere else.

    More hugs.
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. You say you are her primary support and transportation? Is there a reason that she is unable to drive? What do you mean by support? Are you providing her with a home, utilities, food? Is he able to drive? Why were you giving him rides to begin with? I know i am asking alot of questions. I understand the wish to help your grandchildren. I did it for my grandaughter for a long time and still provide some babysitting but no financial. This guy sounds like he has some sort of issues either drugs or mental illness. First priority is your grandchildren. I would stop providing anything that helps him. That includes rent and food and transportation. I would tell your ex daughter in law that you will not give anything that does not go directly for your granchildren. I would report his threats to both childrens services and the police. Make a paper trail. If the house or apt they are in belongs to you see if you can evict him. Get a restraining order. You lost your temper but you didn't threaten bodily harm. I understand they are your grandchildren but she is their mother she should be the primary support even if its through welfare and food stamps and if she chooses him then he should be providing something. You can buy clothes for your grandchildren and give them useful gifts but i wouldn't go over there at all. I would stop providing her with transportation if you have to pick her up there. I know that you are worried about your grands but you need to worry about yourself as well. Your focus needs to be your safety and theirs. Not other adults who should solve their own problems. Is there public transportation?
    This is my opinion you have to decide what you are willing to do. Just a thought but would your son be willing to call cys if you don't. Is he aware of the situation?
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
  5. skittles

    skittles Member

    Thankyou, everyone, this is such a wake up call, I think im doing fine and then I see my story through others eyes and relize how wrapped up in this im getting again. To answer some questions, Im in Canada, Childrens aid society(like CPS) is involved, also my son and I had a childrens lawyer appointed. The kids mom doesnt drive, she has some learning and emotional problems, and is on welfare so the only way she can attend the kids medical or shopping needs is through me. My son is not a viable alternative. We were in court as my son tried for custody and the judge said it would be simply trading one marginal situation for another. i dont want to raise 5 kids and if they went into foster care they would be split up. The childrens lawyer himself told me the system is so full that the standard to remove children is very high so unless im willing to completely walk away, childrens aid will keep the kids with her as long as they know Im there to help with transportation for groceries, medical needs etc. The new boyfriend is a recent development. And yes to answer another question, I am used to that behaviour, I spent 11 years married to an abuser and am so afraid of letting any man gain any authority over me that at the first sign of it i fight. I told my son what happened, he left a voicemail for the childrens lawyer. I thought of calling the police after the incident but figured with my own bad behaviour they wouldnt do anything other than maybe talk to him. Unfirtunately as you can likely tell ive become pretty disallusioned with any of the authoritative systems involved. I understand theyr overburdened so unless someone is seriously hurt, nothing is going to be done and unless I agree to take the children, they will leave them with mom. I don’t feel right walking away from helping them if I’m not willing to take them myself. they are still my grandkids and at least there’s one pair eyes on the situation in the family. So up until this recent boyfriend I felt they were better off all together and with her if I was willing to provide the transportation instead of in the foster care system and all split up. The kids are very bonded to each other, mom doesn’t drink or party, she’s not the most capable mom but she tries. but now this new boyfriend is changing the situation, because of what I’ve seen from him I do worry what’s going to happen if he gets angry at her or the kids. but again children’s aid is already involved they know he’s there, and there’s not really anything they can do based on a verbal confrontation between him and I. So, this is a long-standing situation where I started helping out as most grandmas do when baby number one came along, as I was completely over involved with my son and his problems I stayed helping through baby number two. Then she became pregnant with the third and my son went to prision for 4 years leaving her alone with 3 kids, and just me there to help (her family is basically absent). During a visit in the prision, she became pregnant again and after he was released the 5th came along before they split up for good. Like a lot of these situations I didn’t just wake up one day and decide to become someone’s primary support, it was a gradual one step at a time process till you become so involved you just don’t know how to get out of it. i’ve worked very hard at trying to maintain a distance but not abandon my grandkids. walking away completely from the situation just isn’t really an option for me. So because of this new boyfriend the only thing I know to do is insist I don’t want him in my car or in my presence. he’s never been to my house but I’m sure he could find the address if he did a little digging. At any rate thank you for listening and thank you for the advice and the clarity. it helps me to see that I didn’t create this situation, they did, and I have every right to maintain my distance from him. she will have to find a way to work around it because I don’t have to. I would like to know though anyone who’s had experience with the foster care system. am I truly doing the right thing by helping her because if I refuse and she had no way to get medical or food I think that would be the deciding factor and they would put my grandkids in the foster care system. I’ve never considered walking away before I’ve always said as I did before that that’s not an option for me but if I’m going to have problems with this new boyfriend then it may be my only option if i dont want to allow him to bully me.thanks everyone
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    He isn't bullying you. He threatened you.He could make good on those threats. In the U.S. you can't do that. No idea about Canada.

    I believe that people tell us who they are. Sometimes we just don't listen. We tell ourselves they don't mean it. Then we can get hurt or worse.

    Most people would never say the threats HE made.. Also have you thought about what will happen if you suddenly can not be there to be a Mommy to this daughter in law,? Mom will collapse.

    daughter in law in my opinion needs some incentive to learn to drive and to grow up. She also may need to learn how to get and use only government services. That looks like her future. She isn't trying to better herself. Lots of people have issues yet can still be adults. She is in a world of hurt if you ever get sick or pass on. She has no coping skills. No adult skills at all.

    If this were me, I would cut out her free rides and only do things directly for the grands. And I wouldn't do everything. They also need to learn to take care of themselves perhaps at a younger age than desirable but some kids need to grow up fast. You certainly don't want your grands to be helpless like Mom. How old are your grands,? I would step back from daughter in law.

    Perhaps, for example, instead of making it easy for Mom to get groceries you can babysit the grands while she takes a bus or other public trans to get her groceries, paying for them from her food subsidy. She needs to understand that life doesn't revolve around your kindness. In the U.S. many poor people take the bus to grocery shop and carry the bags home.Often an older child goes with to help. if one grand is at least 12, I think it would be good for your grand to see that if he or she doesn't get an education and won't learn to adult this will be HER life too. They need to see that you are not the long term answer or rescuer. They have to see a reason to do better than Mom. Who will support them when you can't?

    All of them need to learn to do for themselves or they very well may just repeat all this.Do YOU work or have a life outside of this? If not you really do need therapy to learn that your life matters too. And that what you are doing may not be best for anyone.

    daughter in law is probably expecting you to support her sixth child too. Are you so rich that you can do this,? Are you so healthy and young that you will be able to sustain all your grands until the youngest is 18?

    If not there has to be a better way. For all of you.

    If I were you I'd be furious that daughter in law is again pregnant. She has to learn to do more than make babies and watch you care for them. It's appalling to me that knowing she can not care for her kids she got pregnant again. She sounds as if she has no common sense or drive. I would think you NEED to step back and let her do some hard stuff herself. Alone.

    This is a toxic situation.

    I am praying that you can minimize what you do for this ex daughter in law and force her to grow up. You can always babysit the grands and buy things specifically for them, but I would make the Mom pay for her necessities and get places using public transportation. Yes, its harder. Maybe if you aren't always willing to take care of her she will mature a bit. She doesn't mind bringing children into the world that she can not take care of. Maybe if it's harder for her she won't continue this pattern of having more babies that she expects you to support even if the children are not your grandkids

    I wish you blessings, courage and clarity and hope you find a good therapist for yourself.Our hearts are with you.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Skittles,

    Are you sure she doesn’t have an other options for transportation?

    In the US (or at least the state I live in) anyone on welfare gets a letter send out from the state asking if they need help with transportation for necessary things like medical appointments and offering services for free if needed, if they qualify.

    Many people don’t know about this unless they are involved in the system directly as a recipient or an employee, and many recipients don’t take the time to read through their mailings and may not even realize this is available.

    It might be worth a phone call to the local welfare office or other government agencies to see if there is anything possible in her situation.

    If not, I would let her find an alternative. They are two adults who will need to know how to survive without you eventually. Might as well start now. It sounds like this man has a lot of free time on his hands that might better be spent working or finding ways to support his family and look after their needs instead of relying on others to do this.

    Doing something for someone that they can and should be doing for themselves is enabling and not healthy for either party.

    Go back and read what you wrote that precipitated the fight in the parking lot.

    I’m not blaming you for starting the problem AT ALL.This man is scary and went way over the top with his aggression and I wouldn’t be anywhere near him from now on, but review what went on prior to the outburst. These two adults are acting like they are dependent children and it is not healthy or normal, and definitely not something they should be role modeling to the kids.

    Keep in touch and let us know how it goes. It sounds like you need some support while you figure out how to handle this situation on a daily basis.
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I don't know why this situation upsets me so much but it does.

    Look, this man is abusive and will abuse anyone he can. Your angry words will never stop that. You can't win this power struggle. You can't. He lived with your grands so he has the power. It really is not about him and YOU.

    This man is NOT your abusive ex or YOUR husband and it's not your place to make sure he respects you. He won't. You can't replay your abusive marriage with him and apparently ex daughter in law is okay being with an abusive man. You can't bring him down a peg. He CAN harm you and your ex daughter in law and grands which is why I think the police are necessary. Mom won't stop him. She said he is around to stay. Scary mindset. Even if they break up it is scary that Mom brought him into their lives. Who else will she expose them to?

    You can't stop it or them.

    daughter in law has a lot of nerve dictating who should be allowed in your car. She isn't your child. Apparently she isn't grateful but bossy. I just get the creeps about her and this guy. This is on her as well as him. She picked him.

    Is it safer for grands to be with these people than split up in foster care? Wouldn't they get visits together? This man uses violence in his words. That is not a good sign. You can't be with your grands 24/7. In his care they could get hurt. Does he use drugs? Is he a felon? Or is he simply a time bomb waiting to explode that has not yet exploded? I doubt daughter in law will tell you everything about him

    I still think authorities need to be in charge. Is that a perfect solution? No. There is none because Mom does not know how to take care of the kids and will not keep them safe. She is thinking of her love for this monster, not thinking about the kids. Is allowing this man to be in charge of these kids a better option than foster care,?

    Eventually the kids will probably end up in foster care anyway. Is it better to wait for something really traumatic to happen? Or deadly? You are powerless to stop this.

    The could hurt you. He is young and strong and sounds like a criminal. He will be in charge or else the authorities will be. It's a lot for you to think about.

    More prayers and hugs.
  9. skittles

    skittles Member

    :cry:I thank you all, this last post particularly started me crying, your right, I’m engaging in a power struggle with him which is just another type of emeshment. I thought i was drawing my line in the sand and refusing to be controlled by him and yet by engaging in this power struggle that’s exactly what’s happening. and you’re right it’s a losing game. I have some serious reevaluating to do here and I may have to call children’s aid and tell them I have to step back and they’re going to have to step in and either remove the children or do her driving for her. i’m not sure where I am in that decision right now, i’m just bawling my eyes out thinking about it, and if he’s having a child with her it’s going to get far far worse . Its likely going to be inevitable that the kids have to be taken into foster care and it breaks my heart for them, theyr only between 2 and 10. I thank you all for helping me face it.
  10. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I'm so sorry you find yourself here again but welcome back.

    I agree with just about everything posted here already. Great advice and discernment on the situation.

    You poor thing. You have been so used to this kind of treatment that you can't see the forest through the trees anymore. I've been there so I understand completely. When I read your story all I hear is "enabling, enabling, enabling". I'm an expert so it qualifies me to see this in others now :(

    Your situation is different but similar to when I was married to my verbally abusive alcoholic husband for 30 yrs. It's progressive. No one in their right mind would jump into a situation like this so I understand how it evolved with baby no. 1, no. 2 etc. Perhaps, your guilt over your sons inability to step in as a father, since he was in jail put you in the "FOG" (fear, obligation & guilt). I've been there. You have to remember you are not the parent and you can't try to be the parent your son should have been.

    I feel that you should stop enabling your ex- daughter-in-law. She has grown accustomed to you rescuing her and her kids. Enabling, as someone else mentioned is doing for others what they can do for themselves. Ex-DOL will have to figure things out and honestly she needs to make choices too for the best interest of her children. This new boyfriend is trouble and I would most definitely keep your boundaries. That's your "gut" talking. Don't ignore it. New boyfriend has no boundaries and I'm certain he's treating Ex-DOL and grand kids like this too. That behavior is not something he can turn off an on. Think of the psychological and potential physical harm he could do to them.

    If you start to make changes for yourself and your well-being they will not be met with cheers from others but I don't see that you have any other choice. You have to be the change in the situation so that you stop "covering-up" issues that need to be exposed and dealt with. Again, I'm an expert in that department and did it for so long. Always trying to glue all the pieces back together as if humpty-dumpty never fell off the wall. It's a full time job and exhausting. Sometimes the only way something gets fixed is if you allow for others to see it's broken.

    Take care of yourself and make some serious changes for your safety and well-being.
  11. Barbaro

    Barbaro New Member

    Tell ex's girlfriend that it is your car and you determine who rides and who doesn't. If she has a problem with this maybe she ought to start working on her own transportation issues. It is her house, yet he decides whether you get to be there or not?
  12. louise2350

    louise2350 Member

    Skittles: I do feel for you. Like everyone else has said this man sounds very dangerous. God bless you and your grandchildren. I hope things change and everything works out. Everyone here has said everything I am thinking and have given you good advice.
  13. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It is my speculation that xgf talked behind your back for her new boyfriend about you for him to even take that stance with you. Why would he feel that way towards you out of the blue if she shared only how helpful and how wonderful you are. And she did not stand up for you when he went nuts on you .

    I have the feeling that xgf resents you because when we enable that's what happens. True help is what is appreciated. Help is giving someone a ride when they have a broken leg. Enabling is doing something they could do for themselves.
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  14. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Skittles, I think your grandchildren's mother's boyfriend is jealous of your relationship with his girlfriend. My daughter has a crap for a boyfriend and he is rude and ugly to me and I have asked him politely several times what the problem is and he then gets even worse. I think he is jealous that my daughter and I have a talking relationship. He goes ballistic when he sees me like he is highly allergic to me. My daughter told him I was highly intuitive and I think that scares him. Nothing worse than an out of control A.H. that threatens you. I have tried to talk and reason with my daughter's boyfriend and there is nothing to work with. If I am ever in his presence I will act like an ape. Make ape noises and scatch my sides. I started doing this with my daughter when she lies or acts odd and it has been working somewhat. The line of BS my daughter and boyfriend give me is so obnoxious that I act obnoxious like a damn ape. At least it does not get to the yelling and screaming state, which is hard to control because I want to scream at him so bad but acting like an ape will work better. I am so sorry for your grief and stress.
  15. skittles

    skittles Member

    Ok lol acting like an ape definately made me laugh, mayb that would scare him into wondering just how insane i am! I do know she complains about me to him, she likes to blame everyone else for whats wrong in her life and try to get sympathy and i also beleive he is trying to isolate her from my influence also, whether its because im her exes mom or whether its just what controlling people do im not sure. At any rate after the last few posts made me take a hard look at what im allowing, i sent an email to the childrens lawyer and the childrens aid worker to document what happened and what are my intentions if it happens again (withdrawing my support and calling police), i feel better knowing someone in authority is aware if his threatening behaviour, wel see what happens from here
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Newstart, your daughter's boyfriend never threatened you. I know it's not a great situation, but at least he never screamed at you that he would do you harm.

    This other man in my opinion sounds like a crazy who could hurt the woman OR the grandkids. I don't think he is jealous. After all, she pays the bills. I think he is a controlling hot ball of wax who can hurt people. I think he can carry out his threats.

    This daughter in law is NOT the poster's daughter. She is an ex mother in law who brings perks to the table. But in the druggy and certain lower level worlds, men and women too are always thinking they are being "disrespected." And they will get violent to anyone they perceive to be disrespectful.

    Newstart, your daughter's boyfriend sounds odd, maybe autistic, and antisocial...but he does not sound like a crazy who could be violent toward you, thankfully.

    Lee is that way too. He is unfriendly but never threatening to Kay's family. He gives us what Amy calls the stink eye, but he doesn't ever say he will slash our tires. That's restraining order stuff.

    I would not minimize this man's words and behavior. This woman is no angel. She is ungrateful and taking shameless advantage of her ex mother in law. It is a one-sided relationship. Poster does all the giving. daughter in law does all the taking. After her honey made threats to her generous mother in law, what did darling daughter in law say?

    "Better get used to it. He's not going anywhere."

    They both give me the creeps.

    Blessings to all!!
  17. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Busynmember, My daughter's boyfriend may not have threatened me with words but he has threatened me with looks and body language. He looks like he could go off and do something very dangerous any second. Body language speaks louder than words and this man is capable of some major damage. I have tried it ALL and acting like an ape seems to confuse and defuse a dangerous situation. The stuff they do and stuff they say is so nuts that I can't answer like they were normal people. When she starts in with her ugly stuff I go into ape mode, it usually brings a smile on her face and it defuses the situation quickly. As off the wall as it sounds it is working for me. I came up with the brilliant idea while in a fight with my daughter, her mania was so off and she was talking so crazy that I just started acting like an ape. She was so shocked that it straightened her out and now it is her cue that she is off course. I am sharing this with all of you because it is the ONLY thing that is working for me now. It can smooth out a toxic situation without it going into major drama like years before. If anyone has any other idea on how to calm manic people quicker let me know.

    Skittles, I wish you much peace and a quick resolve. I know you will try a varity of ways to make things work. Use what works best.
  18. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yikes. I get it, newstart!

    IIm glad it works!

    For me, I don't engage. Haha the ape bit would shock them too plus I have a background in theatre! Hmmmm...

    Bless you. I get it.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Skittles,
    I am sorry for your troubles with ex daughter in-law and her new boyfriend. The exchange definitely sends up red flags and I believe you did the right thing alerting the proper authorities.
    The boyfriends behaviors are very concerning. If he acts out in public this way, one can only imagine how he may be in private. Abusive men often isolate their victims, intimidating those who are close so as to have more control.
    I am sorry for the pain of this. Hubs and I spent many years trying to help our daughter leave her abusive boyfriend who fathered three grands. They were in the system when young, but slipped between the cracks when their parents complied and went to required classes. End result is three very wounded, traumatized teens. CPS main goal is to try and help parents and reunify families. On paper and in theory, it is understandable, because children long to be with their parents. The question is if that is feasible or safe.
    With your alerting authorities to boyfriends threats, that puts the ball in their court to investigate. I would keep record of all you do and see, I wish I had thought about that years past. If you continue to be involved, keep a close eye on your grands behaviors, that is often a telltale sign. A caveat to that is if there is abuse going on in the home there is often a veil of secrecy.
    You have already mentioned that you are unable to take care of your grands. If they are removed, the process is to look for kin who would be able to take them in, on mother and fathers side. That may or may not be an issue.
    I agree with Apple that an alternative to you being the main transport needs to be worked on. While it has been an extreme kindness on your part, it seems that you are being taken for granted. It doesn’t mean you have no contact with your grands, perhaps weekend visits?
    I am sorry for the pain of this. Our grands did not ask to be born into an unstable home. It is hard to see them struggle. You did the right thing letting the lawyer and aid worker know what happened. Make sure you keep record of that. I wish I had, the many times I called CPS. Caseworkers are notoriously overloaded. They will find ways to manage issues (like you transporting your daughter in-law) that make it easier for them, but can be taxing on family members. But, this also is a way to have someone who cares keep an eye out for the children. In my opinion, your email and call is not only advocating for yourself, but also for your grandchildren.
    Take care, and God bless you for helping your grandchildren.
  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Don’t fight with her/them anymore, skittles.

    That is the worst way of dealing with the situation.

    “No” is a complete sentence. And much more powerful.

    If she insists, argues, threatens, bullies, tries to change your mind to allow him in your presence or in your car, just walk away (or drive away or hang up). She isn’t the boss, he isn’t the boss. You are doing her a favor; you can control the situation to your liking or bow out.

    Are you planning to take her to all her OB appointments/new baby appointments? She will want him to go with her, since he is the father. It doesn’t seem like a tenable situation for you. Maybe you should find a way to extricate yourself.

    And, this may not be the last baby. Do you want to be at her beck and call for ten more years of babies? Seems that may be enabling her to continue to produce babies she can’t afford with men who won’t support them.

    I, too, am glad that you have informed the authorities of the behaviors of this sketchy man child. I hope you can find peace with the situation you have found yourself in.
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