I wanted to respond to all of you who have been discussing not having people to talk to, others who don't get it, etc. I am so thankful for this group because I finally feel like I have found "my people". I don't have a pit in my stomach when I want to bring something up or respond to one of you. At home, I have one good friend who I can speak to without worry. Other times, I feel like my friends just don't get it...I mean, honestly, how could they?? I feel like they nod in an obligatory manner when listening but just have no idea. So, that is not my group to speak with. I am not even comfortable talking with them about my kids anymore. We all do warrant a casserole! Wouldn't a pot luck supper be just grand! Thank you all for being here, for the support and most of all, for the understanding.
Am I posting this correctly?...lol
- Thread starter LetGo
- Start date
Bettyboo44
Member
I can see it! Done expertly, on your very own post 
lol.
This group is definitely something special. Though I’d imagine if we all made casseroles for each other when we were having problems, we’d be sick to the sight of them… would have to switch up to some new dinner ideas!
Having one good friend is golden, I am so happy you have this, and wishing you discover more friends like this in the future.
You said your other friends don’t get it, and I guess its simply because they can’t relate/ don’t understand, don’t know what to say and it’s just easier for you to say nothing rather than being faced with blank expressions and nodding heads!
Thank you too LetGo for your constant kind words of support and compassion
lol.This group is definitely something special. Though I’d imagine if we all made casseroles for each other when we were having problems, we’d be sick to the sight of them… would have to switch up to some new dinner ideas!
Having one good friend is golden, I am so happy you have this, and wishing you discover more friends like this in the future.
You said your other friends don’t get it, and I guess its simply because they can’t relate/ don’t understand, don’t know what to say and it’s just easier for you to say nothing rather than being faced with blank expressions and nodding heads!
Thank you too LetGo for your constant kind words of support and compassion
Thanks, I posted correctly with Nandina's help!I can see it! Done expertly, on your very own post
This group is definitely something special. Though I’d imagine if we all made casseroles for each other when we were having problems, we’d be sick to the sight of them… would have to switch up to some new dinner ideas!
Having one good friend is golden, I am so happy you have this, and wishing you discover more friends like this in the future.
You said your other friends don’t get it, and I guess its simply because they can’t relate/ don’t understand, don’t know what to say and it’s just easier for you to say nothing rather than being faced with blank expressions and nodding heads!
Thank you too LetGo for your constant kind words of support and compassion
My pleasure, LetGo. 
In the past, I think they’ve had meetings among members in various locations. This was before my time here, but wouldn’t it be nice to find a central place where some of us could meet?
I know based on others’ comments here that there are those members who live in my state (Tenn) and it would not be out of the question for me to consider a meet-up somewhere. I would even consider hosting it. If anyone lives in my state or a nearby state and you might be interested, if you will pm me, I will get more specific about my location. Who knows? Some of us might be in the same city!
Friends, I mentioned that my son passed away last year. I am not uncomfortable talking about him and have come to terms with everything, had my share of grief, etc., but sometimes I think others are avoiding me more because of his death.
Even my own sister, who lives in another state, couldn’t be there for me in any way. Didn’t attend his Celebration of Life, called once or twice the week he died, but then nothing for months. It really hurt. After all, my son was her nephew. Later she told me she was struggling with her own grief, as one of her friends had died recently, but sadly, I think the fact that she couldn’t be there for me at all permanently changed our relationship.
I have mentioned my cousin in previous posts who I spent summer vacation with and she lost one son 15 years ago. She was a Godsend! She called and texted me regularly. Then, right after our vacation together, her second son died of a suspected overdose. Can you imagine the pain? I had to let my own pain go and be there for her. And even after all this, she is still there for me. I am so grateful. She is one strong lady and lives her faith every day.
And I must confess that I wonder if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak. And I understand. Because the possibility of death has probably occurred, even if fleetingly, to most people here whose kids are drug addicted. And it’s uncomfortable to think about. And I wonder if I am a reminder that it could happen to you, too. I hope not, but again, I do understand.
I continue to visit this site because some of the people here have become online friends. They are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever known. In addition, I think having gone through my son’s addiction; having to detach for periods of time and deal with it for five years will allow me to help others who are maybe just beginning the struggle. Also, I still have two remaining adult children, who sometimes have issues that cause me pain, although I don’t know if they are truly mentally ill (or just entitled, lol). Eventually I will post about it.
I didn’t mean to be a downer. I’ve wanted to express this for some time. But back to possibly having a meetup. Please Let me know if you’re interested. I still like to have fun! And I make great casseroles.
Love and hugs, Nandina
In the past, I think they’ve had meetings among members in various locations. This was before my time here, but wouldn’t it be nice to find a central place where some of us could meet?
I know based on others’ comments here that there are those members who live in my state (Tenn) and it would not be out of the question for me to consider a meet-up somewhere. I would even consider hosting it. If anyone lives in my state or a nearby state and you might be interested, if you will pm me, I will get more specific about my location. Who knows? Some of us might be in the same city!
Friends, I mentioned that my son passed away last year. I am not uncomfortable talking about him and have come to terms with everything, had my share of grief, etc., but sometimes I think others are avoiding me more because of his death.
Even my own sister, who lives in another state, couldn’t be there for me in any way. Didn’t attend his Celebration of Life, called once or twice the week he died, but then nothing for months. It really hurt. After all, my son was her nephew. Later she told me she was struggling with her own grief, as one of her friends had died recently, but sadly, I think the fact that she couldn’t be there for me at all permanently changed our relationship.
I have mentioned my cousin in previous posts who I spent summer vacation with and she lost one son 15 years ago. She was a Godsend! She called and texted me regularly. Then, right after our vacation together, her second son died of a suspected overdose. Can you imagine the pain? I had to let my own pain go and be there for her. And even after all this, she is still there for me. I am so grateful. She is one strong lady and lives her faith every day.
And I must confess that I wonder if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak. And I understand. Because the possibility of death has probably occurred, even if fleetingly, to most people here whose kids are drug addicted. And it’s uncomfortable to think about. And I wonder if I am a reminder that it could happen to you, too. I hope not, but again, I do understand.
I continue to visit this site because some of the people here have become online friends. They are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever known. In addition, I think having gone through my son’s addiction; having to detach for periods of time and deal with it for five years will allow me to help others who are maybe just beginning the struggle. Also, I still have two remaining adult children, who sometimes have issues that cause me pain, although I don’t know if they are truly mentally ill (or just entitled, lol). Eventually I will post about it.
I didn’t mean to be a downer. I’ve wanted to express this for some time. But back to possibly having a meetup. Please Let me know if you’re interested. I still like to have fun! And I make great casseroles.
Love and hugs, Nandina
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
For me, the reminder is a good thing. Although i get pain in the pit of my stomach, and dread the thought, I feel the thought is a kind of innoculation.
On Thanksgiving M came into the house and said the police were outside wanting to speak to my son (who wasn't here.) As I walked out I asked myself, did M say the police were here to talk to me about my son? The thought came to my they could be telling me he had died. I was afraid as I approached, but I was strong Not like 13 years ago when the sheriff called to tell me he was in the hospital for a brain injury.
I think each other's experiences, even the most horrible, help us get stronger. I really do. I always look for you Nandina, and I worry when you're not posting. I have been so busy the past few years, that I can't hold in my head all I want to do. But I wished I had PM'd you. So many times, I felt like it.
Nandina,My pleasure, LetGo.
In the past, I think they’ve had meetings among members in various locations. This was before my time here, but wouldn’t it be nice to find a central place where some of us could meet?
I know based on others’ comments here that there are those members who live in my state (Tenn) and it would not be out of the question for me to consider a meet-up somewhere. I would even consider hosting it. If anyone lives in my state or a nearby state and you might be interested, if you will pm me, I will get more specific about my location. Who knows? Some of us might be in the same city!
Friends, I mentioned that my son passed away last year. I am not uncomfortable talking about him and have come to terms with everything, had my share of grief, etc., but sometimes I think others are avoiding me more because of his death.
Even my own sister, who lives in another state, couldn’t be there for me in any way. Didn’t attend his Celebration of Life, called once or twice the week he died, but then nothing for months. It really hurt. After all, my son was her nephew. Later she told me she was struggling with her own grief, as one of her friends had died recently, but sadly, I think the fact that she couldn’t be there for me at all permanently changed our relationship.
I have mentioned my cousin in previous posts who I spent summer vacation with and she lost one son 15 years ago. She was a Godsend! She called and texted me regularly. Then, right after our vacation together, her second son died of a suspected overdose. Can you imagine the pain? I had to let my own pain go and be there for her. And even after all this, she is still there for me. I am so grateful. She is one strong lady and lives her faith every day.
And I must confess that I wonder if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak. And I understand. Because the possibility of death has probably occurred, even if fleetingly, to most people here whose kids are drug addicted. And it’s uncomfortable to think about. And I wonder if I am a reminder that it could happen to you, too. I hope not, but again, I do understand.
I continue to visit this site because some of the people here have become online friends. They are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever known. In addition, I think having gone through my son’s addiction; having to detach for periods of time and deal with it for five years will allow me to help others who are maybe just beginning the struggle. Also, I still have two remaining adult children, who sometimes have issues that cause me pain, although I don’t know if they are truly mentally ill (or just entitled, lol). Eventually I will post about it.
I didn’t mean to be a downer. I’ve wanted to express this for some time. But back to possibly having a meetup. Please Let me know if you’re interested. I still like to have fun! And I make great casseroles.
Love and hugs, Nandina
I read your post yesterday morning just before I had to leave for work and didn't have time to respond. I have a few minutes now, so I will respond now. by the way, I live in Georgia, so I'm not too, too far away from you.
First, I want to tell you how my heart grieves for the loss of your son. I know those are only words and the loss is too great for words, but that's all I can offer you, to tell you how very sorry I am. People are uncomfortable around sickness and death, and sometimes they do avoid other people because of that. They don't mean to hurt the other person; they just don't know what to say or do. I know because I have felt this way myself. But it is painful. It feels as though they are negating the existence of the person you have lost, and that hurts. Yes, speaking for myself, I do want to hear from people who have experienced what every one of us here fears--the death of our son or daughter. I need to know that if the worst happens, that there are those who have survived it and how they survived it.
I have yet another missing person's report out on our son. I pray for him throughout the day, and I wonder everyday if he is alive. I live "bracing for impact," so to speak, knowing that at any time, we could get the phone call. Sometimes I feel like I live in an alternate universe, alongside people who are living in the "normal" universe.
Speaking of your sister reminds me of mine. Two years ago, our son, Josh, was with us for four months, detoxing off of fentanyl, before ultimately returning to Phoenix and relapsing, becoming homeless, etc. My relationship with my sister at that time was fairly good. We had, I thought, carved out a relationship where I thought we cared for one another, although I knew that my sister was somewhat self-centered about her own life. At that time, I was willing to accept that she would always be that way. But during that four month period, which was hard, I rarely heard from her, and when she did contact me, she would ask a few obligatory questions and then revert back to talking about her life, her kids, her grandkids, her health...etc. I came to the decision that I was tired of doing the "heavy lifting" in the relationship and that it was too much. She was not there for me, after I had been there for her during some difficult times. So I just stopped making any effort. It changed our relationship, and now we have no contact. It saddens me because I would love to have a sister with whom I could be close to, but she is not capable of seeing beyond herself and I just can't handle the narcissism anymore.
I'm so glad you have that kind of relationship with your cousin. Those are the kind of people who are so rare and so wonderful to have in our lives. I'm also glad that you continue to come to the site to offer any encouragement and wisdom to others here. Please continue.
MommaTried24
Active Member
Copa, I so relate to this. I've had this fear since my son started seizing almost 19 years ago. Always the fear when someone knocks on my door that it's the police telling me he's dead. I'm sorry your son has a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and you live with this fear as well.
Nandina, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Just so heartbreaking and I get what you're saying about people avoiding you and your sister not being there for you. It's so sad. I've experienced this with my son's epilepsy for years and then the alcoholism just compounded it. I have a hard time at work with people always bragging about their kids yet never even ask about mine. It's even more sad when you've suffered the loss like you have. I'm in Tenn too and I love your idea about trying to meet up with others here. This website has saved me many times in the last few years having others to turn to for support who totally get it and who truly care.
Beta, I'm with you on the first paragraph regarding Nandina. I feel the same way you do for her and what you said it so true. I say a prayer for you every time I read about your son and having to do another missing person's report. I pray he's still alive too and that God will put his healing hands on him and turn him back toward you.
There is a whole lot of pain and suffering here among us mothers but there is also so much love and understanding too. It makes me sad for all of us for what we've had to endure and are still enduring but I am truly grateful to be here with each and every one of you.
Thank you MommaTried24. I can't tell you how much appreciate prayers for Josh. I too am grateful for every mom here. God was so good to lead me to this site in 2017.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes!!!
You've still in the battle with us Nandina. All of us have lost at least part (or most) of our child, and/or the lives we thought and hoped we would have.
Bettyboo44
Member
I can only imagine people are avoiding you because they don’t know what to say, but personally you sharing your horrendous experience has brought me hope whilst in a dark place, so I can’t thank you enough
Like others on here I’m in constant fear of this horrible waiting game of ‘what if’, police here again’, this time are they here to deliver ‘the news’. The lifestyles my sons lead, their mental state is a constant battle , not knowing where they are for periods of time, how they are, this time, it could be because…. And I’ve constantly thought how would I cope If ‘this time’ my fears were right, so you sharing your unimaginable grief, brings me comfort that , that unimaginable grief can be managed.
I think your honesty and bravery shows us that if our worst fears come true, we can still carry on. Without you sharing your experience and thoughts, how could we truly comprehend that there still can be life if our worst fears become a reality.
Far from it, I found this post to be refreshingly honest and of great comfort, and truly hope you continue to post. And hope that ye get to meet up, wow that would be something special ….worth trying for sure if ye are nearby!
There is so much said here that I relate to, and if you don't mind a dad crashing in...
Nandina, when I read your concern about wondering "if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak", my response was immediately YES, please do continue sharing your experience. And I knew then that I needed to write a post to share my response (sorry it's taken so long). Every day I try to prepare myself, or "brace for impact", as Beta said, for THE phone call or police visit with news that my only child is dead (my daughter, addicted to alcohol and drugs, and homeless in another city). I fear it, but also realize that fear is detrimental to my mental health; so I fight against it, I fight for joy, and fight to live my life detached from that fear and lean hard into my faith in God, sometimes moment by moment. Nandina, your experience testifies that if the worst happens to my daughter, I will survive with the help of God. This website, with you all sharing your struggles, has been a Godsend to me too.
I share everyone's hurt here over hearing others share glowing reports about their children. I think this may be more of a common experience for moms than for dads, because in my experience moms talk more about their children/families than do guys. For example, I occasionally get together with three of my male colleagues just to visit and fellowship. But the last time we invited our wives to join us and I was unprepared for the weight of how much time was spent talking about everyone's kids. As I listened to the other moms (and dads, but mostly moms) radiantly talk in depth about their kids, I started to pray they wouldn't ask me about my daughter. My wife was able to talk about her three children (my stepchildren, who are all doing well), which may have deflected anyone from asking me about my daughter. Fortunately I was able to get away without being asked, but I was very discouraged.
I value you all, how you so honestly share your hurts and struggles, which seem so familiar to my own experience. It helps me to realize I'm not alone in this struggle. I realize that I don't know any of you in person, but I feel like you all are my family somehow. Thank you for that. Also, please know that I pray for you and your children.
Nandina, when I read your concern about wondering "if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak", my response was immediately YES, please do continue sharing your experience. And I knew then that I needed to write a post to share my response (sorry it's taken so long). Every day I try to prepare myself, or "brace for impact", as Beta said, for THE phone call or police visit with news that my only child is dead (my daughter, addicted to alcohol and drugs, and homeless in another city). I fear it, but also realize that fear is detrimental to my mental health; so I fight against it, I fight for joy, and fight to live my life detached from that fear and lean hard into my faith in God, sometimes moment by moment. Nandina, your experience testifies that if the worst happens to my daughter, I will survive with the help of God. This website, with you all sharing your struggles, has been a Godsend to me too.
I share everyone's hurt here over hearing others share glowing reports about their children. I think this may be more of a common experience for moms than for dads, because in my experience moms talk more about their children/families than do guys. For example, I occasionally get together with three of my male colleagues just to visit and fellowship. But the last time we invited our wives to join us and I was unprepared for the weight of how much time was spent talking about everyone's kids. As I listened to the other moms (and dads, but mostly moms) radiantly talk in depth about their kids, I started to pray they wouldn't ask me about my daughter. My wife was able to talk about her three children (my stepchildren, who are all doing well), which may have deflected anyone from asking me about my daughter. Fortunately I was able to get away without being asked, but I was very discouraged.
I value you all, how you so honestly share your hurts and struggles, which seem so familiar to my own experience. It helps me to realize I'm not alone in this struggle. I realize that I don't know any of you in person, but I feel like you all are my family somehow. Thank you for that. Also, please know that I pray for you and your children.
I totally agree with everything you've said.I can only imagine people are avoiding you because they don’t know what to say, but personally you sharing your horrendous experience has brought me hope whilst in a dark place, so I can’t thank you enough
Like others on here I’m in constant fear of this horrible waiting game of ‘what if’, police here again’, this time are they here to deliver ‘the news’. The lifestyles my sons lead, their mental state is a constant battle , not knowing where they are for periods of time, how they are, this time, it could be because…. And I’ve constantly thought how would I cope If ‘this time’ my fears were right, so you sharing your unimaginable grief, brings me comfort that , that unimaginable grief can be managed.
I think your honesty and bravery shows us that if our worst fears come true, we can still carry on. Without you sharing your experience and thoughts, how could we truly comprehend that there still can be life if our worst fears become a reality.
Far from it, I found this post to be refreshingly honest and of great comfort, and truly hope you continue to post. And hope that ye get to meet up, wow that would be something special ….worth trying for sure if ye are nearby!
Nandina, I am so sorry that your sister was not able to be there for you after your son died. I am okay with hearing from those of you here that have lost the battle. Sadly, I expect to get the call or notification that my daughter has passed, for one reason or another...either overdose, suicide or from being with the wrong people. So, no, I don't find you to be a downer. Frankly, I find it refreshing that I can speak openly here and have all of you do the same. I don't have anyone else that would remotely understand. I, also have three other children.(all of my kids are adopted) My oldest son who is my daughter's biological brother...has caused me much pain and grief over the years. Someday, I might post about him. My younger adult sons are doing well and are very loving. Thanks for responding, Nandina! Hugs, LetGoMy pleasure, LetGo.
In the past, I think they’ve had meetings among members in various locations. This was before my time here, but wouldn’t it be nice to find a central place where some of us could meet?
I know based on others’ comments here that there are those members who live in my state (Tenn) and it would not be out of the question for me to consider a meet-up somewhere. I would even consider hosting it. If anyone lives in my state or a nearby state and you might be interested, if you will pm me, I will get more specific about my location. Who knows? Some of us might be in the same city!
Friends, I mentioned that my son passed away last year. I am not uncomfortable talking about him and have come to terms with everything, had my share of grief, etc., but sometimes I think others are avoiding me more because of his death.
Even my own sister, who lives in another state, couldn’t be there for me in any way. Didn’t attend his Celebration of Life, called once or twice the week he died, but then nothing for months. It really hurt. After all, my son was her nephew. Later she told me she was struggling with her own grief, as one of her friends had died recently, but sadly, I think the fact that she couldn’t be there for me at all permanently changed our relationship.
I have mentioned my cousin in previous posts who I spent summer vacation with and she lost one son 15 years ago. She was a Godsend! She called and texted me regularly. Then, right after our vacation together, her second son died of a suspected overdose. Can you imagine the pain? I had to let my own pain go and be there for her. And even after all this, she is still there for me. I am so grateful. She is one strong lady and lives her faith every day.
And I must confess that I wonder if people here really want to hear from someone who has lost the battle, so to speak. And I understand. Because the possibility of death has probably occurred, even if fleetingly, to most people here whose kids are drug addicted. And it’s uncomfortable to think about. And I wonder if I am a reminder that it could happen to you, too. I hope not, but again, I do understand.
I continue to visit this site because some of the people here have become online friends. They are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever known. In addition, I think having gone through my son’s addiction; having to detach for periods of time and deal with it for five years will allow me to help others who are maybe just beginning the struggle. Also, I still have two remaining adult children, who sometimes have issues that cause me pain, although I don’t know if they are truly mentally ill (or just entitled, lol). Eventually I will post about it.
I didn’t mean to be a downer. I’ve wanted to express this for some time. But back to possibly having a meetup. Please Let me know if you’re interested. I still like to have fun! And I make great casseroles.
Love and hugs, Nandina
Yes, definitely I experience the loss of a dream of their adult lives.
Dad34, Please always feel free to post. It can be really difficult to listen to my friends discuss their adult children, their successes and lovely lives. I feel like I am often last on the list to be asked...even though I have a lot of joy with my two youngest to discuss! These days, I'd prefer not to speak about my two oldest kids, my daughter in particular. It is hard for people, outside of this group, to hear. I think, really, because they don't know how to respond! Hang in there, Dad34. We're here with you.
