And she's pregnant again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by elizabrary, Dec 15, 2018.

  1. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Found out today my daughter is pregnant again. She said, "Please be happy for me. I'm so happy and it's not like I'm 18 this time." No, she's 28 and still acts like a 14 year old. Good lord, she can barely keep her head above water as it is. She has only been with this current guy for a few months. He is her boyfriend from 5th-7th grade and they reconnected but she hasn't really known him as an adult. Of course things are wonderful now, they've only been together a short time. At least she's quit drinking and smoking (to the best of my knowledge) which I do believe she has because she did last time she was pregnant. Here I am worrying about how this will affect my granddaughter and what my daughter will do to pay the bills when she has to be off work for maternity leave. This guy isn't well off enough to support her and he has 2 other children as well. I spend a lot of money on my granddaughter, which I do happily, but of course now I'm worrying about how I will continue that when another child comes along. I also spend a lot of time with her which I love. But I'm older now and it's easy because she's older and can do for herself. I don't think I can deal with taking care of a baby as much as I have her because 1) I'm older and 2) I have rheumatoid arthritis and I get easily tired out because of it and I have pain. I also have a feeling this guy won't stick around and she'll be doing this on her own again, and I really don't want to be as involved as I have been with my granddaughter. I hate to sound selfish or jerky, but it's just the truth. OK, I can't talk to anyone else about this right now and I just needed to vent all my worries and feelings. This is a great place for that.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You dont sound selfish at all. You sound like you know you cant do it, that she has to do it. That is simply reality. I would be furious. Is your daughter paying rent? Helping around rhe house? If she were mine, she would probably have been told to go on Section 8 years ago. You have to be cramped and going broke and you matter!

    If your daughter chooses to have another child its HER child. I think you are my age...told me in another post... And for me at least this is MY time now. I would not try to raise another child, not even an older one, and certainly not a baby at my age. And I dont have any health problems other than I am 65 and am not going to push myself anymore. Its not good for you to keep pretending you are 34. You will get ill. Your daughter needs to step up. HAS to.

    First of all do not allow Baby Daddy to sleep under your roof, even overnight. Just in case she asks. Its YOUR space. He would just be a freeloader. Your daughter is old enough to deal with "No. Not here."

    Secondly your daughter should apply for WIC, a foodcard, Medicaid and welfare and live on what she is given. There are local charities and food pantries too. She can get on the list for Section 8 Housing if she insists on living with this newest honey. She needs a place to live longterm anyway. Better to be prepared.

    If you take care of her further, what will stop her from having more babies that she expects you to raise at age 70? You cant live forever. Who will take care of her and the kids if you get very sick or when you are gone? You do her no favors by not teaching her to live on her own, because that is where she will end up and its best if she is used to it.

    Please stop thinking you have to take care of the stupid things your kids do. Your daughter is taking no steps to improve her life situation, and society doesnt give a rat's arse if she is immature. Since she is not improving her life at all (just the opposite) it is best she learns how to navigate the system of government assistance NOW, while you are still around to advise her where to go and what to do in order to apply for various services. She will whine that it is "hard." But she must do it and learn, for the time when she has nobody but herself and her kids. She will need to be on assistance.

    I am very sorry that your daughter made such a selfish choice, one that will not be good for anyone. All you can do is either take on full resonsibility and leave her clueless when you are no longer here, or you can tell her where to get assistance from and make her get it by not helping her. She will need tougher treatment than your help for the longterm.

    Please take good care of yourself. And by the way I would never tell my daughter I was happy she had gotten pregnant again with a man without a decent job and with few life skills of her own. I would probably start telling her what she will have to do to support them...because the Bank of Mom is closed. Unless I were tremendously wealthy, which I am not.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2018
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    She has a Section 8 voucher and lives on her own, so that's not a worry. And I know everything you said is true. I need to get all the worries out and worry about me. That's all I can do. I guess it's more I'm concerned because I'm so close with my granddaughter and I feel like I have to be fair and have the same relationship with the new child, which no relationship is ever the same no matter what. And now that I think about it the new one won't even know what things have been like for KK with me over the last 9 years. So I can work it out however I want. I know things will work out how they work out, it's just overwhelming at the moment.
     
  4. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Eliz, I am sure you weren't expecting her to hit you with that news. It is sweet that you are worried about being fair to both grands. The baby won't know you don't spend as much time with it until it is 3 or 4 and by then it will be old enough to not be as draining as a baby and by then hopefully your daughter is in a better financial spot too. Plus by that time the one you help with now will be older and less work and in school full time. It will all work out. I know you worry (and rightly so) but relax and take care of yourself so you can allow yourself to just enjoy the little ones. As SWOT said they are their mother's responsibility not yours. Just love them and help when you are able and when you want to.
    Prayers for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy easy baby.
     
  5. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    We’ve been in your situation. In fact, we’re in it again because daughter is pregnant again. All I can say is SWOT’s advice is right on the money. Your 28 year old daughter made a choice, now she has to deal with the consequences. Resist the urge to ride in to the rescue. At your age with serious health problems you’re not in a position to raise more kids. It’s not being selfish, it’s being realistic. She can either step up and do what she needs to do to raise the child (unlikely) or she won’t. That’s when it really gets tough. I plan on staying out of it, but if the child isn’t being taken care of, I’ll call CPS.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You cant take care of a baby the in your mid 60s. Not well. Your other grand was born ten years ago. You were ten years younger. It is unrealistic to think you can treat this baby like you treated the first one. Its not possible.

    By the time the girls ever talk about their relationship with you, both will understand that you were much younger when the first one was born and they will understand.

    Please just take care of YOU. Make plans to have fun for YOU in your golden years. Dont deny yourself for everyone else. Dont get stressed out and sick because of not taking time for yourself. Please!

    Love and light!
     
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  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had a beloved poster here for many years that had a troubled daughter. The poster took in her daughter's first two children (boys) and raised them. The daughter then had a third child (a daughter) and the poster finally refused to raise the little girl.

    The poster and her husband spent what should have been their retirement years raising those boys. One turned out to be an addict and the other was special needs. She loved them dearly but they sucked the life out of her and her husband.

    She lost her fight to cancer when the boys were young adults. She was still fighting for social security for them to take care of them after she was gone.

    Do you really want to spend the rest of your life taking care of another grandchild? I hope that your daughter steps up to the plate but if she does not please put yourself first. It is okay to say no. Your daughter is still young. Who is to say that this will be the last pregnancy?

    ~Kathy
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2018
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son is adopted. As I understand it his birth mom had had 5 daughters prior to his birth, several raised by the grandmother until she could do no more. The poor grandmother continued to visit my son in the crisis nursery until I brought him home as a foster adopt child. I am overcome by sadness just typing this story.
     
  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I had a chat with my daughter and explained I'm older, I can't do for the new baby all I have done for my older granddaughter, etc. She seemed very receptive and understanding. We'll see as time goes by. My daughter absolutely loves babies, so for that first year she will be very happy caring for the child. Of course my concerns are more long term, but I have no control over that. For the time being I will just continue on with my granddaughter as I always have.
     
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  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I think you are doing the right thing but you have to stick to it for the long haul.