And the "charity" begins

[Big Bad Kitty]

MB, once again, I am so, so sorry for your pain.

I'm praying for you, I'm praying for your daughter, and I'm praying for your little grandbaby too.

 

[Star*]

I'm not going to get in the middle of the charity debate - but I will say this -

Some of us are better at adapting our lives to change. We all have things in our lives that are constant and those things despite how odd they appear to others are normal for us.

Each day EACH AND EVERY PARENT HERE.....has to give up a dream, a hope, or when circumstances become overwhelming to us we see ourselves giving up that one thing we saw in our child that gets US (as a parent) through each day. When that "one" thing we see is taken away all at once by such a thing as a pregnancy? For some of us? We deal. For some of us? We die a little more inside and wonder how much more we can't take.

Multiply that loss by having a carpy economy, mental illness, wondering how living paycheck to paycheck can be accomplished, stress, parking, the price of gas, the price of EGGS (OMG are chickens serious?) trying to budget and re=budget just to survive and the years of stress of dealing with a less than cordial difficult child - and top off the ice cream with a cherry like "Hi Mom - I knew better, I have no job, My boyfriend is an unemployed slob who knows how to work the system, and I don't even know where I'll be living in 9 months - but then again do most of us? and oh by the way I'm going to have a child, a life to take care of when I can't take care of my own life very well but it's okay because my childs lazy father is coaching me on how to work the system so me and my child get by - not do well, not make it - just get by." Yeah - I can see where MB is coming from. We ALL want so much more for our children. Learning how to let their lives be theirs when they are so dependent on us takes a lot of time.

The death of a dream is seldom easier than the loss of a person through death. Dreams keep us going, dreams inspire us to be better, to have hope to believe. When you take away our dreams it leaves a void that for some can take years to fill. So in the mean time we fill it with emotions readily available to us. It's up to us as friends to say - I bet I can fill a small part of that void with compassion.

Somedays ladies - it's more than I can do to wake up and think - OKAY my son will soon be looking at court and facing 30 years. I should go to work and be the cheeriest person I know....and DF is getting more debilitated...but I should greet every driver who cuts me off while I'm the only one in my house GOING to work on the freeway with a smile and not a finger....and when I get to work and wonder HOW I can pay any bills with what I make, yet if I'm not cheery I can get canned....when all I want to do is sit in a car in the middle of a cotton field and scream until someone rescues me - fixes my finances, fixes my fiance, fixes my kid, my health and makes it all better and NOW I HAVE TO BE the person that makes it all better and STILL DEAL WITH LIFE????

PHEW/WHEW -

I may not get where you're coming from but if I am your friend - I'll help you to get where you need to be. Whatever I can do to help you deal with this MB - let me know. This board is here for many views and thoughts and opinions. Take from it what you can and as Fran would say - leave the rest. I understand - you wanted so much more for her. But what I learned in therapy is the key words in that affore mentioned sentence is YOU wanted. Here if you need me.

(squints eyes) and if I send you a pair of booties that I get Susie* to knit? YOU BETTA TAKE 'EM. (cause she aint cheap) lol

MANY HUGS -

 

[goldenguru]

Hi MW -

I'm checking in late on this - but I just want to offer my support. in my humble opinion - It is OK to be angry @ your daughter and her lousy choices. I was still angry @ my laboring daughter while I was driving her to the maternity ward. My daughter has articulated several times that she 'wishes I could have enjoyed her pregnancy and been excited for her'. Sorry, honey. You were 18 years old, working a minimum wage job, living at home, with no means of financial survival. I knew what was ahead of you. I wish I could have been excited about her pregnancy too. I'm too pragmatic.

My daughter is doing well. And ya know what? I'm still sometimes angry about her carelessness. Don't get me wrong - I love my granddaughter with my whole entire heart. I am crazy about her. But, there are still times when I really wish she would have waited about 6 years to be a mom. Star is right. Dreams are a tough thing to give up on - especially the dreams we have for our kids.

It is what it is. Your emotions are what they are. You're entitled to them. And the anger will dissipate some with time (at least mine did), but it still rears it's head from time to time.

Hang in there friend. Hugs.

 

[Genny]

MB,
I've walked in your shoes - with a difficult child who was two years younger than yours - and I feel your pain. I get what you're saying about the charity. We actually had the opposite problem - difficult child didn't want to sign up for WIC because it made her feel like a loser. Say what?! I listed off the friends and family members I knew who had recieved WIC at some point, who were all hard-working, respectable people. Not to mention she was bringing another mouth to feed into our home and she'd better darn well do everything in her power to put food in it.

Is difficult child still living at home? Is she planning on staying indefinately? I have to say, one of the biggest problems I had with difficult child's unplanned pregnancy was the prospect of being a live-in babysitter. I use birth control for a reason...and the reason isn't that I hate babies (love 'em, actually). It's called 'being responsible', and I resented the fact that I should be penalized when I was responsible. Yes, she made a mistake, and we were very supportive of her decision to keep the baby. But that doesn't mean we were happy about the situation.

On a brighter note, difficult child turned a corner when that baby was born. She realized that she couldn't support herself and a child with just a high school diploma, and went back to school. She's now a junior in college majoring in Social Work and working part-time. We help her out financially while she's in school she can afford her own place. husband and I realize that we're fortunate that we can afford to do this; I know our relationship with difficult child would not be as good as it is if she had to live at home! We're looking forward to her being self-sufficient - and so is she, very much.

I guess what I'm saying is don't give up hope. This could actually be a blessing in disguise, though you won't see it as such for another year or more. Decide how much you're willing to help difficult child out and set some boundries. As for her lying to charities, etc., my only advice is to detach, you'll drive yourself crazy otherwise.

Good luck, Gramma

Genny

 

[Nomad]

Still amazes and saddens me that difficult children do not consider other options when there is an unplanned pregnancy combined with what boils down to poverty in the picture. in my humble opinion, this really is faulty thinking.

However, it certainly is possible that having a child will force difficult child to "grow up" at least in certain ways. It may be a strong motivating force and a good one.

With reference to "charity," that (again in my humble opinion) is a mixed bag. Is there any doubt, most...if not all of our difficult children...are handicapped by their issues? Perhaps some moreso than others. Perhaps some are fully disabled, perhaps some partially disabled.

What bothers me is when difficult children consider themselves fully disabled. (Of course some really are; sometimes, some are all the time. Some have physical issues as well as difficult child type issues. But many are capable of being more productive). I don't really like it when they see themselves as irrevocably handicapped, not particularly personally responsible and entitled. Each and every one of us needs to step up to the plate and do what is within our ability to be emotionally and fiscally responsible. Each of us have talents...some more than others....each of us need to do our best.

I'm still in the formulation stage on this....but one of the reasons I think it is a good idea for a difficult child to try to meet a parent halfway, is that it is healthy for them to reach to their potential and they should be encouraged (if not pushed) to do so. However, it is often difficult figuring out where that place is.

In a certain way, it seems to me that it is good for your daughter to see what services she can receive for her and her unborn child. There are pluses to this. She must know that her ability to work is limited and soon it will be even more hampered.

However, it would also be healthy for her to figure out ways she can earn or save money. Additionally, how she will pay for upcoming medical expenses. Soon, she might be thinking about working with an infant.

Ideally, I do wish there were more part time work available for difficult children (particularly mothers???) I think with so many issues on the table...many can only consistently work part time. Then, perhaps various supplements from the government could "fill in" the missing pieces. Although it is hard to say, it seems most difficult children could work approx. 20 hours a week....some aren't willing...some have difficulty finding opportunities.....some have never thought of this...???? If this is something you think might work for her, maybe you can mention it. I do think any work at all brings self esteem.

by the way, if the father is "healthier" than your difficult child...like someone else suggested, I do hope that he will work full time and work consistently. Two jobs is not out of the question (at least at times). If he is not doing this already, I think this needs to be suggested!

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is one of my worst concerns with- reference to my difficult child. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take time for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist? Surely, this is taxing for a mother. I also agree, that you have every right to be angry. Seems to me that this is a normal reaction. Grief is a tough thing. I know it will be a long road, but I am hopeful for a positive outcome. (hugs)

 

[Andy]

Meow Bunny, This thread has been in my thoughts all day. I also understand your anger and frustration. Just think how many more needs could be met if people did not abuse the systems. If everyone worked up to their potential and shared what they could. You feel that by your daughter taking help she is depriving someone else who absolutely does not have the ability to earn the items. Why will the father not get a job and earn a living? Why are there some people who just don't have it in themselves to even want to work? You would be o.k. with her getting help if both she and the father were really working hard to make ends meet but they are not. The father does not want to work leaving the responsibility to your daughter. Her friends are encouraging her to commit fraud instead of pressuring the father to grow up and get a job.

I don't think you are putting down those who receive help. You are just stating that you don't think your daughter should really have to meet the criteria. You believe she is cheating the purpose of the help.

You are angry because she has the responsibility of supporting not only herself and the baby but has also taken on the responsibility of supporting a guy who refuses to get a job when he is capable of working.
It is not fair! If she wasn't supporting this guy, the two of them could have an easier life. People who abuse the system don't understand how much easier life is when you actually can work (because there actually is a job for you) to earn a living. If the abuses were not happening, then there would be adequate help for those who really do need it.

You are also angry because you know that friends who are teaching her to commit fraud are leading her into a dangerous situation.

The life you know your daughter is capable of is not happening. The baby's father is holding her back.

I know the baby will make for a rougher life but the baby will also bring her joy and happiness. The biggest problem that she faces in not meeting her goals in life will always be the baby's father. She has to stop supporting him. Just because he is the father doesn't mean she needs to pay his rent and food or require that he continues to live at the same address. She needs to either kick him out or move out herself.

I know you mentioned that in some ways they are a good match, but he will always take advantage of her finances as long as they share a home. He needs to get out on his own and learn what paying bills is really all about. If he was not at her address, I think you would feel more comfortable in her need to accept help.

I also know that the purpose of venting is to release energy. Most of the time, if not all, we use venting to try to get rid of ugly stressful frustrating thoughts. Sometimes once said, we stop and say, "That felt good to get it out." I hope you are feeling that some of your frustrations are calming down. I know it will take a lot of time. I am sorry you have to go through these emotions, they are not fun.

 

[Nomad]

The thing about encouraging the person to keep the child and then not providing parenting classes was interesting to me. Something for nothing...not really. I think they might have an agenda.

I really liked the insight that Adrianne provided.

It is too bad that your daughter is supporting this guy. I have seen shades of this with my difficult child and a current situation. (big sigh).

This will be very hard to do, but in my humble opinion, you should do your best to limit letting your daughter know that she has made you unappy. I wouldn't exactly sugar coat things, but I wouldn't go full force, either.

I would be factual and brief (she already knows this stuff anyway)...that you disagree with the choices she has made/is making and that you are very concerned about her well being.

If she believes she is reponsible for your feelings, she might adapt the notion that other people are responsible for her feelings. How far does this go? How much power does she have or think she has? Are other people responsible for making her happy...providing her an income? This can get confusing.

Or...if she is oppositional...that could also be an issue.

Instead, you could role model the freedom that comes from being personally responsible. Personally responsible not just in tangible ways (a job, etc.) but in emotional ones as well. You have the freedom to find a support system to help you cope with this difficult situation, you have the ability to work your way through this loss...so that you can continue with your own life (happily) and move forward. You rightly and richly deserve to do this.

 

[Stella Johnson]

MB,
I understand your disgust with her playing the system. I would be just as disgusted. Have you thought about telling her to stop or you will turn her in? Might put a stop to it if jail time scares her and the thought of not having her baby because she is in jail.

At first I was a little upset with you about your initial post. I think you were clear enough in the first one that she is lying to all these agencies to get more.

Assistance is out there for those that NEED it. I do see your point now about not wanting her to play the system.

I do think you will warm up to the baby after a while. It's still a shock at this point.

Steph

 

[judi]

MB - totally agree that lying to gov't agencies isn't smart! I know your frustration!