Another letter from father!-- not opening this one!

[BusynMember]

BITS, maybe you both need separate counseling? I think all of us with difficult children were in counseling about them at least once...lol Maybe it would be best if hub talked to someone about how this is affecting him and you talked to your own therapist and got help for you and then maybe marriage counseling when both of you feel stronger???

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

There is no one more surprised that husband and I are not divorced than husband and I. difficult children sap all the joy out of life. All at once, we are looking back on months of pain and darkness and worry and we don't even want to go home, anymore. The other person represents home ~ and that's where all the bad stuff happened.

It's like there is no escape.

Do you suppose that is why you painted your kitchen so bright a color? To sort of fight the darkness and feel happy, again?

Possible to get away with your husband for a week to ten days?

If that's not possible right now, you could begin planning a trip together. Something happy to anticipate will bring joy back into the relationship. In the meantime, even a roadtrip on a Saturday morning, just the act of getting in the car and driving away together, can break that darkness/tension/anxious feeling.

Another thing that made a difference for us was honestly feeling and expressing the sorrow each of us felt that these things had happened to the other one. There was something so vulnerable about acknowledging the pain, the confusion, the all of a sudden not having a clue how these bad things happened to us or how to make them stop. There was something so real about being able to say the words that were true, but unspoken ~ that we each felt so badly the dream had gone sour. That we felt badly that our mate, that person we cherished and respected and wanted only the best things for, had experienced so much pain, so much loss, so many shattered expectations. We were able to heal so much of the woundedness and breach so many of the dark, non-comunicado places in our relationship through that technique. husband denied and denied that he felt badly about anything. But when the dam broke, there was so much pain, so much shame and hurt....

husband's worst shame was that he had not been able to protect us from what happened. He had not been able to protect me, had not been able to protect his daughter, had not been able to protect his son.

A man's thing is to shelter, protect, and lead his family.

My husband had done what he thought were all the right things, but everything was broken, anyway. He hardly felt like a man, anymore.

He tried to reassure himself in other ways ~ and that wasn't going over well with me. Good or bad, I wanted nothing much to do with my husband.... My focus was the kids. It still is, alot of the time. We are able to reach through the isolation I set up around myself when I am in pain, now.

So sad, for both of us. My husband saved our marriage, not me. He tried this and that, and then, got me to agree to meet him for Manhattans every day at 5:30 in our own dining room. No TV, no phone. I could play music. I chose Dean Martin. It was something cool and easy, not something we listened to anywhere else. And that's what we did. Face to face, every day, 5:30. Our own dining room. And it worked. We began to enjoy spending that time together before dinner. After dinner, I was free to do whatever I wanted. Meeting at 5:30 in our own home with no distractions is still the rule in our house.

Over time, we got to be one another's ally against the pain, instead of enemies in a house of pain.

We will be married 42 years, in June.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Cedar, I love your whole post that you wrote above. It is very beautiful.

My parents lost my sister, their daughter, 29 years ago. Their marriage took a beating before she died---she was sick for years and years---and then after she died. There are three of us still, the siblings, I think they only reason they didn't divorce was they couldn't afford to!

They stayed together, and they still love each other, but I wish they had some habits like you describe with your husband. My brother lives with them, and that really isn't good for their (my parents') relationship, but that is not going to change.

They do things together and I believe they really enjoy each other when it's just the too of them and nothing stressful going on. Right now my mother goes to outpatient PT and ST twice a week. My dad takes her. Then they go out to eat, just the two of them, on the way home about 4 pm. I think they enjoy that time together. I know they still love each other, and that is a good thing to see. They have been married for 58 years.

Their journey, up until my sister died, is kind of like the journeys we are all on. It just keeps happening. There is no "one event that is horrible, final, and done...it's over." I don't want that but I see the allure in that. The terrible and appealing finality.

I know some---a few---on this site have experienced that and I can't know what that is like. I imagine the terrible and horrible vastly outweighs any relief or appeal---that is how I have come to see my sister's death.

The night she died, I prayed for her to go. It was awful, the waiting and the watching and the knowing it was imminent.

Then, once she did die that night, I wished so desperately for her to still be there. Death is so final. I felt so bad that I had wished her to go on and go. I loved her so much.

I don't know how I got on that, but I love the fact that you and husband were able to talk about your deepest feelings about your children. What a beautiful and important thing for a couple to be able to do.

 

[witzend]

If he does it again, rather than "return to sender", write "refused" on it and put it back in the mailbox. It's better on two grounds. One is that "return to sender" sounds like maybe you just don't want this one, and "refused" is quite the statement.

The other, and more importantly is that "return to sender" to a letter carrier can mean many things, including that it got mis-sorted somewhere along the line and went to the wrong house and the Post Office might keep trying to send it back to you without even trying him. "Refused" in USPS speak is "This got to the intended receiver and the intended receiver will not accept it no matter what".

I honestly don't know if I'd open another letter from my family. It's a bridge that I may have to cross some day. If I did I think I'd handle it internally better than I did the last one. Of course, the last one I wrote a sweet one sentence note back.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. We'd hoped that my family would never find our address. If we move again we'll get a PO Box in a nearby city - researching property tax records is too easy - and be done with it. No one gets to know where I live anymore. After all, the only reason I know where my father and mother live is that they live in the same house we grew up in. I haven't a clue where the rest of my family are.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The night she died, I prayed for her to go. It was awful, the
waiting and the watching and the knowing it was imminent.

Then, once she did die that night, I wished so desperately for
her to still be there. Death is so final. I felt so bad that I had
wished her to go on and go. I loved her so much.

It is a very hard thing, to be human. We are alone with our mortality, alone with the knowledge that everything changes in an instant and is never the same again. We know those changes are coming, but now how or when or who. I don't know another thing to do about these truths but to teach myself to cherish my body, the sun (or the dark), the comfort or discomfort of the moment. It is so hard not to try to hold the happiness, so hard to stay present to the pain, so scary to feel the loss, sure to come for all of us. But somehow, we do all those things. Somehow, we celebrate and risk and cherish all over again.

Here is a funny thing. I have alot of allergies. husband and I had gone to dinner, and I ate potatoes. So, the next day when I went to the gallery to do my volunteering, I was so swollen as to be almost unrecognizable. So...I'm putting my makeup on anyway, right? And I couldn't even find the hollows above my eyes to put the shadow on, or a place beneath my eyes for highlighting concealer. My mascara started racooning on me before I ever got there. (I checked my rearview mirror. Oy vey.) Nonetheless, I went to the gallery. Throughout the day, I kept having this hilarious imagery of myself sort of walking into a makeup cloud and splashing my makeup on that way, because I am sure that, by the time everything finished dripping and the swelling started (unevenly) going down, that is probably what it looked like. (!) I felt (and looked) so darn bad ~ I just had to laugh about it.

Ha!

It turned out to be a very good day.

Thankfully, no mirror in the gallery.

It was just such a human thing.

I get such a kick out of myself. When I'm not feeling like, totally horrified at what happens and how that hurts and how we do what we do, anyway.

Yep. Human is a hard thing to be.

Human beings are remarkable. We truly are remarkable beings. There is a site on Facebook called Humans of New York. A photographer just goes out and takes photographs of people on the street. He prints a little of what they say about what they are doing or thinking, and why. Adults, children, old and young humans. It is an amazing site, a positive, sincere, joyful reflection of what it is to be human.

I love it, love that site.

It shows what it is to be a human being. What an amazing thing it is to be human.

You were such a courageous little girl, Child.

I see her in your writing, now.

I am happy that I posted as I did, this morning.

:O)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Beautiful posts Cedar and COM.

Relationships get so traumatized by difficult child's. Cedar, you and husband have survived so much together and what a tribute to both of you that you are still together and still in love. And, COM, your parents survived as well, and it sounds as if they make sure they carve that time out for each other.

BITS, I'm glad you finished your kitchen, that must feel like quite the accomplishment! I'm sorry you and your husband are experiencing difficulties. You have so much on your plate right now, I so hope you are getting support.

Years ago I learned a technique which you may find helpful. I call it resentments and appreciations. You take turns saying anything that comes to mind that you resent, small or large, however, the other person doesn't get to speak, to justify, to explain, to reason it out, he/she just receives the information. You have to be willing to be really present because the strong desire to defend will come up............... then the other person does it...........back and forth. The object is to empty yourself of your resentments. It may be wise to start small. Once it comes to a natural end, then you start with what you appreciate.............same thing, large or small, whatever feels right. Because what happens is that once you empty yourself of the resentments, the appreciation is the natural result. It works if both parties do NOT respond. No defending. Just hearing what the other says.

Anyway, I thought I'd just offer that up..........it has helped me many times. It can get to the "stuff" that builds up in all relationships that we don't communicate. It can bring back intimacy.

I hope you are feeling better today BITS. Take good care of yourself now. Hoping that comfort and peace find you.

 

[BackintheSaddle]

Thanks everyone...I love all the good advice...we did go on a date for a nice dinner on Sunday after I finished (and yes, I was hoping the bright yellow would brighten up more than just the kitchen!)....I thought about starting a new thread about keeping a marriage/partnership intact through all of this...you've given some wonderful advice and I've always been struck by how close you each seem with your husband...going through this, I've learned that I have few friends I can talk to about this and am having to find different support for myself and I rely heavily on my husband as my best friend...I talked to him about how with him being so withdrawn and isolated from me, it felt more alone than I thought I could handle...we're having a better week-- he seems to be feeling better, we're both on pmeds to get through this and his new one seems to be helping...he actually got a little frisky tonight!...
;-)...we've had a really close relationship over the past 10+ years-- we were a blended family to say the least...I was a single mom of a 2yo and had been a widow and he was a divorced dad with 2 kids...so the first few years were pretty rocky and add to that the challenges with my kid, difficult child (whom husband adopted), who started having issues in 2nd grade, there's always been a lot of pressure on us which has served to bring us closer and more heavily reliant on each other but he's not a great communicator (typically man in that sense), though he is really sensitive...like Cedar said, he's more upset about what he's seen me go through because of my parents and how difficult child has attacked and blamed me mostly (he doesn't blame husband hardly at all), he feels bad that he couldn't protect me from all that-- I appreciate you reminding me of where his pain is coming from because he's not really sharing...over the years, we have been in individual and family counseling, me and difficult child mostly and then as a family to address issues with difficult child...husband doesn't really believe he needs it...he relies on his relationship with God to guide him and give him support and I can't do that and get all I need...I've had a harder week this week with regard to difficult child...he's back to not answering texts and since it's eerily quiet from the nut house he's living in, I can only imagine what's going on...and my imagination is probably worse than the truth but I'll never know-- or at least not for awhile...

thanks again all...I hope you have a blessed day and are having 'easy', painfree weeks (or as close as is possible)...

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hey BITS,

You are on the road to recovery with the rest of us. Our mind takes us places we should not go and it is difficult to stop, but we must keep trying. Others have said, and it helps, "right now things are okay."

The yellow kitchen sounds great. The first house husband and I bought was built in 1930's. Great house, but needed more TLC than we could afford. I read an article about painting rooms to reflect nature. For some reason, I decided a WATERMELON was the ticket for the kitchen. I painted it red and green with some black accents, lol. I loved that room. It was the brightest spot in the house. Made me happy.

 

[Childofmine]

One time I had a pink and gray kitchen with pink plaid wallpaper and black and white squares on the kitchen floor. I loved it! The paint color for the bottom half of the walls, below the chair rail, was a deep pink. It was such a departure from the norm that the painter called me out to the house (we were building a house) and said: I don't think this can possibly be the right color and I wanted to check with you about it before I started painting.

I said, Oh, yes! That is the right color. He looked at me like I was nuts, and started painting.

LOL.

I love thinking of you and your bright yellow kitchen, BITS.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

...he actually got a little frisky tonight!...
;-)

Halleluiah!

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I've always been struck by how close you each seem with your husband...going through this, I've learned that I have few friends I can talk to about this and am having to find different support for myself andI rely heavily on my husband as my best friend

husband and I are like, one person in so many ways. It's irritating and cool and familiar and stifling, all at once. My favorite thing in all the world is to sleep with him right in our own bed.

And, unlike that lucky BITS? I do mean sleep.

:O)

We talk all the time, but we don't usually have to. We are getting old together now, and that's kind of a horrifyingly hilarious thing, too. difficult child troubles can bring a depth of intimacy that would have been impossible to reach for or sustain, I think. In a way, it's scary. We even talk about that ~ about what it will be like when one or the other of us is gone. husband swears he's had enough of women and will never remarry. I tell him he'll be married again in a New York minute and that I am the one who's had it with marriage.

We even get a little miffed about it.

How crazy is this?

That's what I mean, about the intimacy being too scary.

I like the idea of starting a thread about difficult children and marriage and survival or loss. I think that, had we not broken through those barriers each of us erects to protect ourselves from the pain of personal failure (which is what it feels like to have a difficult child child ~ that we have failed, that we are responsible for our child's suffering) then husband and I would have lost our marriage.

I know so many people who are on their second or third marriages. (husband was divorced when I met him. I have been married to husband since I was twenty.) They seem much nicer to one another than we are to each other ~ except that we are just always connected somehow. It would be like opening the door for yourself. We have been through that whole I-am-an-independent-woman-I-can-open-my-own-door thing and back again. You should see us at the door to a restaurant! Ha! No one knows who should open the stupid door and there's always this flurry of "I will ~ no, I will."

It's a wonder we ever get inside, at all.

:O)

That's my story.

Cedar

 

[BackintheSaddle]

I updated another thread with the fact that I got yet another letter from my father on Friday...the way it was addressed was upsetting so I returned it unopened...I sent difficult child an email to tell him-- I've kept him out of this in hopes of not putting him in the middle but I think he's already there since he's living with those mean people...as Cedar says below, it does seem like my father is getting more desperate to figure out how to control me and do things his way (so he doesn't have to pay for difficult child's college I suppose)...

Your abuser is getting a little desperate, I think. Just as we've learned to expect escalation from our difficult child kids, we can expect our abusers to up the ante, too.


Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xPShypeH

that's exactly what I was thinking today and husband is worried about...father will get that letter returned on Monday so what will he do next?...you see, he controls every other person in my family...my sister is 47, married with 3 nearly grown kids-- does not work and her husband lost his job more than a year ago...my father not only bought them a house outright 5 years ago (when I still wasn't in communication with anyone) that they have since charged against the credit to buy things (and father has no clue of this)...and in he meantime, for more than a year, he's been giving them at least $2000/month to cover them...so since all this happened, my sister and I aren't talking either because she's at risk for losing her monthly check if she does-- she'd rather get money from our father than get a job (no, she's not working)...my brother is a pothead and my parents have no clue about that...his life is a mess but they hold him up as their success story because at least they're not paying for his mortgage-- but they pay for his medical bills AND he's 42 and still has their credit card that he uses to buy clothes and things he 'needs'....if my parents knew what their money is really being used for (to pay off debt for my sister on a house they already bought and to pay for drugs), I'm not sure what they'd do, if anything...I've never told them and know they won't believe me anyway...that's part of what drives husband crazy-- to him, I'm their one success story since I work hard, put myself through school, and have never had their support...but to my father, I'm the child he has the least control over and yes, he is desperate to seize that...it's hard not to worry about what that could mean is coming next...he won't give up, obviously...and I think he'd stoop to most anything to get at me...

In my email to difficult child, I told him that the bottom line is that I'd love to be a part of his life again and would financially support him but we have to have a relationship that is positive and he has to be willing to put the effort into it to make it so...he hasn't been responding to me for more than 2 weeks...he did reply to the email to say that he'd like to have a relationship too but wants me to apologize...I replied to ask him 'for what'...no response since...no surprise and I guess my father is using him to get to me...wonder what else he's capable of doing to hurt me?

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/recommendations.56698/page-2#ixzz2xVCjBzOv

 

[witzend]

You lost me where you say your father doesn't want to pay for difficult child's college. Why should he pay for difficult child's college if he doesn't want to? If there's no legal reason that he must, that sounds like his own poor choice.