Anyone else feel quite like this?

[Janna]

Hey BBK,

Well, I'm going to say what I think, and I'm sure someone will have something to come back with, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Your daughter controls you. That's that.

The tantrums, in my opinion, if she's saving them all for you, and only you, and can control them everywhere else, to me, that's manipulation. I do not believe that children that are having true, out of control of their emotion, rages, can control them. My son, Dylan, cannot. He has rages, yes. He has them everywhere. His triggers are constantly changing, and we cannot identify them. When a trigger is set off, it doesn't matter WHAT is going on, he is out of control. When his rage is over, he's exhausted, unsure of what's going on, almost "flat".

He has also had manipulative rages. "Mommy, can I have a cookie". My reply? "No, Dylan, after dinner". Rage. Not a real rage. A "if I cry long enough I'll get what I want" rage. A tantrum. To me, rage = tantrum, not the same. Rage = out of control; tantrum = manipulating. And you know what? It works. Because you know, you fought with your daughter. She threw that suit at you, and you smacked her. Wrong. You know it, you said it, shouldn't have done it. She got what she wanted. A reaction.

I firmly believe you need some serious behavior modification with your daughter. You are going to need help, yeah, she's 6, and she's totally out of control. You need to call MH/MR (Mental Health/Mental Retardation), your psychiatrist office, somewhere and ask for help. Wrap Around services, Intensive Family Services, something. Because if you don't, she is not going to improve. Spanking is not going to help her. Fighting with her is not going to help her. You have no consistent consequences. You have no consistent rules.

I hope you don't find this offensive, but you know, someone talked to me just this way about 4 years ago, and I went home and thought about it, and they were right. And that night I got Wrap Around, the best TSS I ever had, and changed my families lives for the better. Dylan was your daughter. Any single thing I asked him to do was a problem. I couldn't get him to brush his teeth. Do homework, chores. Nothing. Everything was crying, screaming, kicking. There were times I had to lay on top of him for three hours because he wouldn't shut up.

He was diagnosis'ed one time "severe ODD". In 2006, the ODD diagnosis was removed from his Axis and will never come back.

 

[Janna]

I should add that if he DARED to hit me in the face with ANYTHING his a*s would be sitting at the kitchen table.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Janna,

you are not KIDDING that she controls me! She runs this house!!

You and I talked a few months ago, about setting up a chart system for her. Well, that went over like a lead balloon. She is still not doing her chores, and is not earning any rewards. She tells me, "go ahead and get rid of my stuff. I am not going to clean it".

I do appreciate your suggestions for wrap around svcs etc. I will get on that this week.

((((((hugs))))))

 

[nvts]

Hey BBK!

Who hasn't felt like this? If it's any help, we have seen a major difference in difficult child 1 this year. He tried to bust our chops CONSTANTLY!!!! With the same stuff Tink is pulling. I think that the idea of Wrap around services is something to consider. I really like the differentiation between tantrums/manipulation vs. meltdown/out of control.

One is acting like a brat and the other is mental stress for the "meltor" (as opposed to you being the "meltee").

Listen kiddo, I found that making him leave the main area and secluding himself worked wonders. I used to move everyone away from him, now I'M the "meanie" and tell him to leave until he's under control. It's always with a deadpan look and voice basically letting him know that this tantrum has about as much interest to me as knitting a sweater with my eyebrow hairs would.

Don't worry - you're still a warrior - even Zena fell a few times! :rofl:

Beth

 

[Janna]

Yeah, I know BBK. It's not that you're not a good mom. You're tired. Trust me, girl, I know exactly where you are. I've been there. Things are good now, but that doesn't mean they were always that way.

You know, remember something. It took her 6 years to learn how to manipulate you. It's going to take her at least a good year to get her straight, I bet. It . I'm not gonna lie. But if you can make it through all the garbage, the outcome can be good.

I'll find you some links and send them to you through here or MySpace this week. I have a good friend at MH/MR that may be able to help you.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you!

Thanks to everyone for their input. Again, I get to feeling like I'm the only one who goes through this...and while it is a drag that anyone has to go through it, it is nice to know that we have eachother...

 

[Babbs]

BBK don't ever think that you aren't a warrior mom, because you are one. You know that you need to make some sort of changes in how you approach Tink, you know that you need some help, and you're not afraid to face your fears to ask for help and share with others. That to me is being a warrior!

:warrior:

One question I do have, is do you have fun with Tink? Do you set aside time where you two can just play together? When I was going through the roughest times with difficult child, a friend mentioned to me that I had not talked about anything fun with my difficult child in ages... got me to thinking that I had started to focus on all the horrible rough things. I had to make myself sit down and try to do something fun for even just 5 minutes. And then give him lots of hugs and loves for playing with me. I do think that making myself focus on the fun times when we got along helped me a lot get over the bad times. And it let difficult child know that despite it all I love him and want to spend time with him.

Hang in there, take a deep breath, and take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time. You can do it.

:smile:

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

BBK,

Sorry I'm so late responding!!! I wasn't around this weekend. Anyway, you've already been given some excellent advice. I totally agree with what Janna has already said to you. I couldn't have said it any better!!! Until you take back control, your difficult child will call the shots...

I totally understand how you feel. There are still days when I want to put my difficult children on the street corner and put a FREE sign around their necks...!!!

Please don't beat yourself up. We aren't perfect. Living with difficult children brings out the worst in all of us from time to time... You will survive this, learn how to regain control, and become even stronger!!! Hang in there!!! You are a :warrior: mom!!!

Just want to let you know I'm thinking about you... Hugs...WFEN

 

[Sunlight]

I have to tell you I love your posts to others, your humor, your wit, and your insight to cut to the meat of a situation.

you can do this, you are strong. try something new. do not let her decide that hitting will lead to hitting. show her that you ARE the boss because you maintain an air of peace as you put her up and walk her to her room. smile when you ignore her. tell her no matter how much she screams or kicks, you are in charge and are not going to get frazzled. she wins when she makes you lose your cool.

 

[AllStressedOut]

I agree with ant'smom about no reaction or a smile from you.

I tell ya, difficult child smiles at me when he gets someone new to react to his tantrum. He did this very thing Friday when I had to go pick him up at school. As soon as I was signing him out, I looked at him and he was smiling because he got the nurse to believe he was really upset. I told him "Don't smile at me, I'm not happy with you." Then of course I sent my panic novel email to the nurse & teacher explaining I'm not a mean mommy.

But anyways! Back to smiling and staying calm, it really gets their goat! They want a reaction out of you! Youngest difficult child actually behaves better for me in a tantrum situation than husband because husband gets so mad. I've learned to stay calm (most of the time) and this ends it much faster. I still have my days I totally lose it with him, but that happens less often now.

 

[Steely]

Just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way BBK. Raising a difficult child is HARD! :mad:
Oh so HARD! Taxing, laborious, unsatisfying, and lonely! :mad: :mad:
And made even more burdensome when you don't have a lot of family to rely on giving you respite, or if you don't feel well. And you have both of those things! But you know what? You will make it through, just like we all have....it just may not feel like it sometimes...but we all know we will get to the other side.

Your humor is what gets a lot of your friends here on this board out of slumps ~ have you tried that with Tink? Humor can get my difficult child out of a bad mood, not a tantrum, but a bad mood in a heartbeat. I know yours is 6.....but I betcha since she has you for a Mom.....she has a good sense of humor. Even if it is tickling her, laughing can break a bad cycle, or a negative build up, in a second.

As far as tantrums.......I have to disagree a bit with Janna, in that some difficult children do "save" their emotionality, and meltdowns for home, or a safe place. She probably is manipulating you, because they all do ~ but there is also a component to mental illness where the difficult child can save all their good behavior for really important things like school ~ and then they have used up every ounce of reserve they have, and they meltdown when they are in a safe place.

Given that possibility ~ and in addition to looking at new parenting techniques, and maybe re-reading The Explosive Child ~ have you talked to podc about new medications? As you know, for some kids, stims can make them more emotional, so I am just wondering if that might not be part of the problem.

Also, what emotional triggers are going on right now with her. Daddy? School starting? I can always count on more irritability when there is a stressor going on in difficult children life.

Hang in there.....keep the faith. It will indeed get better.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Daddy!

She misses her daddy. I talk about him so offhandedly, and so does she. But I bet she really misses him. It's been about 2 months.

Now, I use humor with her ALL the time. And she is very funny too. She and I have our own secret handshake, for crying out loud. But not when she is full-tilt melting down. When she is in need of a little cheering up, we can be VERY silly together. ANd yes, we play together a lot. But this past summer, when I got sick, she suddenly thinks she is a teenager, and she does not want to play with me as much. She'd rather play with her friends. Which is fine by me, as long as they are not fighting. (by the way, not ONE fight since she started the Abilify! whee!) But she does still crave the one on one with me at least once a day. At that point she whispers to me that she isn't really THAT grown up. ANd I get all the hugs and kisses I can.

OK, I've babbled enough. Again, thank you everybody for your encouragement and input. I less than three all of you.


( <3 )