Anyone ever had a family member in a group home setting?

[Barbaro]

Not an issue for me at present, but for a dear friend. He lived with us for awhile after he divorced. He met another lady, became engaged to her and moved in with her. Problem is her autistic son. He can be extremely difficult to live with. My friend had considerable contact with him prior to actually moving in, but didn't really get what it was like to live with him 24/7. Biggest issue is Mom waits on him hand and foot and it would seem her son thinks everyone else ought to as well. The issue came to a head this past weekend when son woke up my friend at about 10 PM demanding that he heat up food for him. Friend said no, do it yourself (he's quite capable.) Son proceeded to beat up my friend, then called the police. He then tried to uncall the police, which triggers even more police to come.

So they now have to wait for DCF to do a report. Thing is, my friend is a teacher, and says these days you do not want DV on your record and he does not wish to risk his credentials to teach. I mentioned group home living, but my friend doubts fiancee with go along. I just wondered if anyone had had to place a family member in one, and what they were like. Thank you for any info you can give.

 

[RN0441]

Wow sorry to hear this. How old is the son?

I do not know anything about this but more will be along that do!

 

[Barbaro]

Wow sorry to hear this. How old is the son?

I do not know anything about this but more will be along that do!

He is 23 or 24. I think it isn't likely fiancee will go along with putting him in a group home. But I'm wondering if she's considered what will happen when she gets too old? I don't know her very well, her son is what you'd call functionally illiterate, Don't think he's ever held a job for long. Thing is, I don't think my friend should have to live with the threat of being beat up because he doesn't feel like heating up food for someone who is capable but just thinks someone else should do it for him.

 

[JJJ2]

Depending on the state, it can be relatively easy to get into a group home or horribly difficult. The wait in my state can be over 10 years; recent consent decree has shortened that to 5-6 years but who knows how the pandemic will affect that.

It sounds like he needs crisis services and a structured independence skills program. In my state, the crisis services are free and pre-Covid adult day programs was about $15,000/year.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Barbaro

I think I would try to stay out of this difficult situation. While it is terrible what happened to your friend, it is better that he knows what he is getting into before he enters this family, I believe. What we go through as parents, nobody should have to go through. When somebody voluntarily enters a family with a troubled child or adult child they take on the struggles of their partner and they (ideally) share them and share the burdens and responsibilities.

That said if a 23 or 24 year old adult person attacks and beats up another person that is felony assault. The mother and any other person near that adult child is in danger. This young person requires another specialized living situation. All of this falls upon the mother to deal with. Your friend who is in love with her can choose or not to support her to go tIhrough this agonizing process of confronting the reality of her (their) situation.

If a person is a danger to others I think that this might expedite the process to secure a suitable alternative living situation for this young man, because of the risks. I believe that the courts and the probation department might be involved. I am unclear actually why he is still living in the home, as he is clearly a danger to others, which in my state demands immediate hospitalization according to the law.

If I were you I would stay clear of this situation in terms of giving advice as it would be a minefield. There are too many emotions and vacillations that might arise, that would make it unpredictable and volatile, however sad this is.

 

[BusynMember1]

I think your friend needs to decide if he wants this. It is unlikely his fiance will pick him over her son.
Aging and Disabilities will step in when she is no longer here. Meanwhile I can't see how this can work out.

I think your friend should go to therapy before he marries this woman. Without an amicable and on the same page mindset BEFORE marriage, I think it will be worse afterwards. It is best for all of them in my opinion if they see if they can come to a solution before they tie the knot.

On the other hand, he may not want your two cents. People are not always willing to listen.

Praying for your friend.

 

[TerriH]

My son who has Asperger's syndrome LOVES having his own apartment. He flat out loves it.

It is a section 8 apartment, and it took 18 months to get him into it. The motto in my state is "a decent place to live", and that about sums it up. It is an older unit in good repair, has 2 bedrooms and a patio, but it is an older unit. It is plain, not that my son cares. He has a kitchen full of food that he picked out, he microwaves something when he gets hungry, and he has a desk with a computer on it that he plays games on and sends messages to his on-line friends. And his share of the rent is less than $100 a month.

At any rate, with Autism it is wise to begin as you intend to end: Autistic people tend to be less than flexible and tend to not understand that what held true last week does not hold true this week. It is easier for them to memorize what is expected and what they are expected to do.

My son lost his first section 8 apartment because he did not keep it up well enough. So, he has agreed too let me inspect his apartment once a month to prevent it from happening again. He cleans it before I come over and I might point out that he needs to do this or that, and then he does that also. I am not picky: I do not care if there are dust bunnies under the table as long as the bathroom is clean and the trash is thrown out. And I generally took him out to lunch afterwards.

My brother-in-law was in a group home, but he never acted like it was a home. Instead he acted like it was just a place to stay. He did not choose what he ate or when he ate it, and there were about 16 other people living in that home. It was what was needed as my brother in law wanted to move out from under his Mother's roof just like most adult men do, but he did not love it like my son loves his section 8 apartment

 

[Barbaro]

Dear Barbaro

I think I would try to stay out of this difficult situation. While it is terrible what happened to your friend, it is better that he knows what he is getting into before he enters this family, I believe. What we go through as parents, nobody should have to go through. When somebody voluntarily enters a family with a troubled child or adult child they take on the struggles of their partner and they (ideally) share them and share the burdens and responsibilities.

That said if a 23 or 24 year old adult person attacks and beats up another person that is felony assault. The mother and any other person near that adult child is in danger. This young person requires another specialized living situation. All of this falls upon the mother to deal with. Your friend who is in love with her can choose or not to support her to go tIhrough this agonizing process of confronting the reality of her (their) situation.

If a person is a danger to others I think that this might expedite the process to secure a suitable alternative living situation for this young man, because of the risks. I believe that the courts and the probation department might be involved. I am unclear actually why he is still living in the home, as he is clearly a danger to others, which in my state demands immediate hospitalization according to the law.

If I were you I would stay clear of this situation in terms of giving advice as it would be a minefield. There are too many emotions and vacillations that might arise, that would make it unpredictable and volatile, however sad this is.

We have spoken to him only when he has spoken to us. I have said if he finds the situation unlivable then do not marry her. I have mentioned that the assault could be used to hurry a process to find him somewhere else to reside, but I get the idea Mom will not go along.

 

[Barbaro]

I think your friend needs to decide if he wants this. It is unlikely his fiance will pick him over her son.
Aging and Disabilities will step in when she is no longer here. Meanwhile I can't see how this can work out.

I think your friend should go to therapy before he marries this woman. Without an amicable and on the same page mindset BEFORE marriage, I think it will be worse afterwards. It is best for all of them in my opinion if they see if they can come to a solution before they tie the knot.

On the other hand, he may not want your two cents. People are not always willing to listen.

Praying for your friend.

I guess the main issue is that this young man has been catered to for his entire life. Apparently he has never completely manage to learn to use the toilet, and my friend will come home to a mess in the bathroom. Mom just cleans it up, and I get the feeling that son just thinks of my friend as someone else to pick up after him, get him food, make him coffee, ect. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of hey, I am not your mother.

 

[Copabanana]

Apparently he has never completely manage to learn to use the toilet, and my friend will come home to a mess in the bathroom. Mom just cleans it up, and I get the feeling that son just thinks of my friend as someone else to pick up after him

What most of us learn after we come to this site (often it takes years, like in my own case) is that we have almost no control over the adult children who have carried us to this point. Your friend is entering a reality, a lifestyle, a history, and a future over which he will be powerless to change. That is the reality, I am sad to say. There are people with the strength and heart to take on impossible situations, able to support people like this mother bear what she has to bear. In my own life, I had such a partner, for a time, who helped me carry what I could not bear alone. But such people are uncommon.

But the thing I have come to believe is that people have to come to this realization themselves. Your friend himself must live this situation and work it through.

However much we can see from the outside looking in that this mother should or could be doing differently, for herself, her child, and for your friend, she herself must come to this realization. In my own experience, this happens slowly, with difficulty, and often, not at all.

 

[TerriH]

Barbaro, if my son was making a daily mess in the bathroom I would give him a piece of candy + "well done!" for every day he did NOT leave a mess. Kids on the Autistic spectrum enjoy perks as much as any kid does: however what they regard as a reward may be different from most kids.

For my kid, getting a chance to pick out a candy from a bag was a BIG incentive: he thought it was exciting! And I chose nice candies. He was particularly fond of laffy taffy and gummi worms and such. I would change the assortment every week or so to keep it exciting. A daily 5 cent laffy taffy was well worth it to keep him working on a skill that he needed to learn

 

[Barbaro]

Barbaro, if my son was making a daily mess in the bathroom I would give him a piece of candy + "well done!" for every day he did NOT leave a mess. Kids on the Autistic spectrum enjoy perks as much as any kid does: however what they regard as a reward may be different from most kids.

For my kid, getting a chance to pick out a candy from a bag was a BIG incentive: he thought it was exciting! And I chose nice candies. He was particularly fond of laffy taffy and gummi worms and such. I would change the assortment every week or so to keep it exciting. A daily 5 cent laffy taffy was well worth it to keep him working on a skill that he needed to learn

I can have him suggest this to the boys mother. Look at me, I'm calling a 24 year old a boy! My friend just doesn't like coming home to poopy pants in the bathroom. We suggested the boy visit a physician to rule out a physical problem. Friend says he doesn't think he could get Mom to take him to one. When we asked him why not, he sarcastically said They might find a problem.

I get the impression this kid has ruled the roost for many years. He doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that while Mom may cater to you this man is not an extension of your mother, and shouldn't be treated as such. We have said if you can not live with this situation do not expect it will change after the wedding.

 

[TerriH]

When I was potty training my son, I also used to give him a piece of candy every time he used the toilet. The problem in this case would be that it sounds like his Mother works? When my kids were small I used to work weekends while my husband worked week days.

I am wondering if the young man could be taught. So MANY kids on the spectrum do not like some things to touch their skin: to this day my son will not wear anything but cotton. Who knows? If the young man could be bribed to poop in the toilet perhaps he will like it.

But I am guessing: the thing about a spectrum is that no kid has every possible symptom. Just because my son is extremely particular about what touches his skin does not mean that this young man does

 

[Crayola13]

A particular student started going with the girl whose father ran the group home. They were found out she pleaded to her dad not to make him go, and there really wasn't any place else for him to go anyway. He wasn't a relative, just a student. They were each 15.

 

[Barbaro]

Well my friend says he's seriously considering breaking things off. He does not believe he can tolerate living with his fiancees son. He has talked to her and she has said that she can not "abandon" her son. I believe she equates group home placement to be the same thing. I can not say I agree with her, but I guess it isn't my business. Friend says he was out shoveling snow the other, he tried to get son to help him. Son started to shovel, but when my friend went inside to sit for a minute to warm up, son comes back and says he won't do anymore unless friend is outside with him. Never mind that my friend had been working for at least an hour by himself.