Asked My Son to Leave

[Catmom]

Thank you everyone as I have been on this site everyday and it helps me to deal with the sadness and anger of having a 22 year old that refuses to take responsibility for his choices. We have been on a crazy roller coaster ride with him for over 6 yrs. The system, what a joke, he has been arrested many times and they always let him off with a slap on wrist. He has a sentencing hearing in April for felony/misdemeanors for selling drugs, yeah, I was shocked yet again at how he hid this activity from me. I really do not think he will go to jail for this one either. His public defender thinks he's a nice kid and wants to help him. Ugh. I asked him to leave by this Sunday as I am done living in this cage where I have to always check and make sure he didn't steal my things or the rest of the families. I am so looking forward to peace in my house, and not being afraid to go on business trips without worrying what drama he has started in my house or what he is stealing from me. The last business trip, he called me a billion times and basically threatened that if I didn't give him money, he was going to go commit a crime. I know, I should have ignored it but I was away at a conference and I ended up calling the police and it got messy. The locks will be changed when he goes but the drama has started. We didn't give him enough time to move, poor him he will need to couch surf or sleep in his car....did I mention he doesn't keep a job for long and blows all money he has without saving anything? Just wanted to vent as I prepare for more drama as we go through this.

 

[RN0441]

Catmom:

Welcome and sorry you have to be here. My 21 year old son's behavior is similar to what your son is doing.

My husband (his father) wanted to kick him out but I was afraid so we agreed to see an addictions specialist and tell him our story and said we'd do whatever he recommended. We were at the end of our ropes. He had been on a 2 month benzo binge. We gave him the option of rehab (he had been in rehab before so nothing new) or move out and he chose rehab only because he had no where else to go. After rehab my husband took him to sober living in Florida and after three or so places he is now working and taking one college class. He did not like AA, NA or meetings. Has anxiety. Didn't like talking in front of others (who does!). It seems that until we changed and stopped saving him that he finally took some control of his life.

Our home is peaceful now and he is becoming more responsible although he is not anywhere near where he needs to be.

You are doing the right thing. No one should have to live like a prisoner in their own home. We did it too for almost as long as you and it is no way to live. I practically begged our son to follow the rules. I did not want him to be away from us and I could not believe he broke every rule that we put into place. He stole from his older brothers too while they lived with us a short time after college. He still hasn't said that he wished he had followed the rules. He has asked to come home but husband told him he can never live here again. I would have had a hard time saying that but now he knows that we are there to help him if he makes the right choices but we no longer will enable him.

This is tough stuff. I have been seeing a therapist for six months and it has helped me to set firm but loving boundaries and not feel guilty. Our kids need the boundaries as much as we do.

 

[Catmom]

Funny, looking at the title yesterday and I just realized it wasn't asking him to leave, it was telling him to leave. I talked to his father, my ex, yesterday and he told my son he can live with him under very strict rules, my son said he is an adult and will not have rules such as a curfew, rent etc. So he chooses not to live there which just means he is not that desperate.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Catmom,

You are simply liberating your son so that he can go and live is life on his terms. Good for you!!

I will tell you that he will most likely ramp things up in a desperate attempt to get you to change your mind. I'm glad that you will be changing the locks but be prepared. My son would break into our house.

The peace you seek will come but not always right away. You have been living on high alert for so long it will take time to "relax".

I wish you well and am so glad you posted.

Let us know how things are going.

((HUGS))................

 

[bluebell]

I'm sitting here, watching my 20 year old son pack his suitcase after being asked to leave last night We have done this many times but he always says he will follow rules. Told him rehab or move out this time and thankfully husband didn't budge. It is not over and he is not out yet, but he is packing his stuff so that's progress. He broke my front door down a few years ago so yes, we are bracing for impact here too. Been going thru this since he was 13 in one form or another, so it's hard to relax.
Found a gun in his room and big bags of benzos and pot, big stacks of cash. This is a new 'high' (pardon the pun) for him and is really a deal breaker for me. I have a 16 yo daughter who is homeschooled and here during the day while he's been making deals. I can't lose her in crossfire. Don't tell me it won't happen, I know it very well could. He has told me he wished me dead and other violent episodes. Hard to convince husband that he needs to go, even though he would tell you it's me that wants him here. This is tough stuff. Glad to know I'm not alone, but wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Keep us posted. Tears and hugs...

 

[BusynMember]

You may want to start your own thread so you get more responses. It works better than responding to an older thread.ad. you need voices to help you be strong.

He has said he wants you dead (shudder) and has a gun (triple shudder).

From what you shared about your son, he is dangerous to the rest of yOu. A gun? I WoULD HAVE ThROWN IT OUT AND TRIED TO GeT a RESTRAINING ORDER agsinst him. YOUR DAUGJTER, YOU AND YOUR husband need to be safe Your son is not safe. If this were me and husband let him stay Id take daughter and go elsewhere, maybe a domestic abuse shelter or family or hotel until son was gone and police were checking your house and the police were called the moment he stepped on the property. Get a security camera. Call at first footstep on property. Maybe get an alarm system. Is he in a gang?

Guns, drugs, dangerous associates...even if husband is crazy enough not to make him leave, you save yourself and precious daughter.

Do what your gut tells you. I dont know what your husband is thinking. A gun and a drug user and a death threat combination is a scary dealbreaker for sane people. Please stay safe and keep daughter safe. Seperate from this son. Today. Now. Pack
Leave.

Many hugs, light, prayers and love. Be strong. Do the safe thing please...keep us posted.

 

[RN0441]

I'm sitting here, watching my 20 year old son pack his suitcase after being asked to leave last night We have done this many times but he always says he will follow rules. Told him rehab or move out this time and thankfully husband didn't budge. It is not over and he is not out yet, but he is packing his stuff so that's progress. He broke my front door down a few years ago so yes, we are bracing for impact here too. Been going thru this since he was 13 in one form or another, so it's hard to relax.
Found a gun in his room and big bags of benzos and pot, big stacks of cash. This is a new 'high' (pardon the pun) for him and is really a deal breaker for me. I have a 16 yo daughter who is homeschooled and here during the day while he's been making deals. I can't lose her in crossfire. Don't tell me it won't happen, I know it very well could. He has told me he wished me dead and other violent episodes. Hard to convince husband that he needs to go, even though he would tell you it's me that wants him here. This is tough stuff. Glad to know I'm not alone, but wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Keep us posted. Tears and hugs...

Bluebell

So sorry to hear what you are going through. You are doing the right thing for your family!!! Guns terrify me. You can see by my signature we've been through a lot too. Our home is peaceful now. Very thankful for that.

Keep posting. We get it!

 

[Catmom]

Bluebell,
Oh so sorry too that you are going through such a hard time. I have no plans this weekend, just sort of awaiting the drama. I just keep plugging along planning for the day I finally relax, breathe and feel at peace in my home. I spent the night tonight packing a goodie box to send to my other son who is away at school. I have been blessed with my younger son who respects hubby( his stepfather no less!) and me. He is an awesome kid and I have set a goal of having a more peaceful home by the time he comes home for Spring break. Last week we had to put my lil boy cat to sleep as he was very sick. Not a huge surprise, but still very hard to do. I am temporarily not a "Catmom" but that will also change as soon as I relax and enjoy more peace at home. In the meantime, this site and my therapist and hubby are helping me get a little tougher each day. Again, thanks to everyone. I pray every day for all of the people on this site.

 

[bluebell]

Catmom,
I hope you had an uneventful weekend. My son left Friday afternoon, we cleaned out his room and bathroom over the weekend. He came back Sunday afternoon saying he was getting his things but we had to peel him off the unmade bed, he went in there and went straight to sleep. He left without getting any of his things. So he thought he could just come back like nothing had happened obviously.
I'm sorry about your kitty. I'm a cat grandma myself (my daughter 'has' 2), so I understand needing that companionship and distraction. Keep us posted!

 

[Childofmine]

Catmom, good Monday morning. Just catching up and hoping you are into a new week and looking forward to reclaiming your peace and your life. Your story, and bluebell's story, sound so eerily familiar---just like my story with my son.

The big step to reclaiming your home as your sanctuary is a key one. It is a physical boundary that will help you move forward in finding serenity, yes, even in the middle of horrible times with your precious son.

Looking back, I realize that having him right in front of me and dealing with all of the "stuff" all the time was the worst possible thing for me and for him. It kept us dancing the sick dance of enabling. But of course, telling our precious sons that they can't live here anymore, and there being no answers to the questions of where they will go, how they will live, what will they do for money, a job, friends, on and on and on can drive us literally crazy.

Please hear this: People are amazingly resilient and they are survivors. Even in the toughest of times, my son managed to survive, even on the street in 15-degree weather for 40 days, four hours away from me, after getting kicked out of rehab twice. Even within 2 miles of my home right here in our mid-sized city, sleeping on a bench wrapped in a blanket, walking 3 miles to McDonald's to work---from that bench---yes, no shower, I have no idea how he even brushed his teeth or even if he did brush his teeth. We finally got to that point. He had to do it on his own. It was hard and it was painful for me, and I'm sure for him, but that is how it all happened and how he reclaimed his life. I had to stand way, way, way back from his daily life. I got the point where I didn't ask the questions. I was to the point where I could take care of myself first, and him second.

This happened over a period of years.

Today, he is working full time for a major electrical commercial contractor as an electrician. He makes $23 an hour. He has benefits. He gets overtime. He is working side jobs learning the residential side. He has $8000 in the bank (as he told me yesterday). He just bought a car. He is changing the oil himself and looking up a maintenance schedule so he can take care of the car. He has quit smoking. He is living in a trailer and looking for a different, better place to live. He is worried about gas mileage. He is dealing with people at his work who have been hired to be his helper who drink too much and don't show up for work and get fired. He is disgusted with them.

I tell you these details because I want you to know that things can change. Our sons can find their way, yes, much later than others, but they can do it. I see that my son did it, finally, for many reasons and due to many factors, but one huge one is that I finally got out of the way. I started working on me (a full time job) and getting the help and support I needed through AlAnon to do that. I took the energy and the focus off him and put it on myself. My son has his own journey to walk. I have mine. Today he is 27.5 years old. He has been in jail multiple times. He has two felonies from selling drugs. He has been homeless over and over and over again. He has been in rehab multiple times. My story is your story. I understand the pain and the depth of our despair, your despair.

Please keep sharing and let us help you navigate the next weeks and months. We care.

 

[Catmom]

Here is my update. Uneventful weekend. Phew!. I helped son clean out his room and put some things away in a keepsake box I have for each son. I went shopping and had so much fun buying all news things for his bathroom that I have now claimed as my own. Very excited, never had my own bathroom ever. I put some of his furniture in my shed and said I would keep it for one month but then it goes to the curb! He left last night with a lot of his belongings. I didn't ask too many questions as I know it would be a "poor me" story and I don't feel like being manipulated at this time. My other son, who is a good kid, is away at school. For the past year he has had to keep his bedroom door at my house locked bc he is afraid stuff would get stolen....which it has happened a lot in the past. This morning, I unlocked his door. Yesterday, the locks were changed. I have to admit, I am waiting for my troubled son to show up at the door asking for money or a place to sleep or whatever other drama it is at the time. I am quite sure he will try to weasel his way back into the house. So here is what I did, I am trying to adopt 2 adult cats that just lost their mommy. (Human mommy passed away recently) And I am going to give my son's room to them. So basically, no room at the inn! by the way....excited for the new kitties to come, should be here within 2 weeks....my kitty died a few weeks ago from among other things, severe asthma.
Bluebell, amazing similarities. To everyone else, you have helped me more than you could ever know. I am sure my story isn't over but I am so fortunate that you guys understand.

 

[Kalahou]

I tell you these details because I want you to know that things can change. Our sons can find their way, yes, much later than others, but they can do it. ..... for many reasons and due to many factors, but one huge one is that I finally got out of the way. ..... I took the energy and the focus off him and put it on myself. My son has his own journey to walk. I have mine.

Thank you for sharing this reminder, COM. Such encouragement to hear of your son.
I do not dare yet to hope such successful progress for my son. But now I say "why not!"
Mahalo ... for reminding us such changes are possible.

 

[Catmom]

So the drama has started this weekend. Trying to keep my good mood but having difficult. My son called bc his car broke down at work. We took him out to work and tried to see what was wrong and have an idea what might be wrong but we don't know how to fix it. His step father and I told him to see if his dad knows what to do or if one of his friends can help. He started crying and said he was hungry, he hasn't eaten since yesterday morning. We headed home, I stopped and grabbed fast food and we were going to drop him off at his friends house where he said he was staying. He cried quietly the whole way home. At his friends house, he said to drop him off down the street as he didn't want to go into the house yet. Whatever that means. Just sick of his drama. When we dropped him off he was crying and said he had no where to go. Doesn't make sense. by the way...his dad offered him as I mentioned previously a place to stay with very strict rules. He said no.

 

[wisernow]

these are his choices. He could have a roof over his head but wants to do it on his terms. So be it. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

 

[RN0441]

Catmom:

Sometimes they have to feel the real consequences of how they are living their life. It's hard for us moms to hear but you have to harden your heart. I think there is a song about that but it applies to a man/woman relationship but it's true in this instance too. It takes us a lot of heartache to get there and it's not a good thing to have to do BUT for some of our stubborn Difficult Child it's the ONLY way unfortunately. I do think it's harder on us than them.

Stay strong.

 

[bluebell]

Catmom, I feel your pain. It gets to me when my son cries. I have to keep telling myself that he is just feeling sorry for himself and that crying has nothing to do with change or any 'epiphany' I long for him to have. Your son is working. That is a good sign. My son (still gone since around the same time as yours) says he will never work a job where he cannot make 600/day like he says he does now dealing drugs. I can't compete with that. I do know that this is going to end horribly somehow. All we can do is try to keep our sanity and deal with the problems as they come. I rue the day son's car breaks down or god forbid, he has another wreck. Probably not having a car is a good thing for your son right now.

 

[BusynMember]

A drug user should not be on the road. Its as bad as somebody drunk. I took the use of our car away from my daughter when she used. I always am surprised when parents of drug users give them cars when they would not let them drive drunk.

I think they can walk to get tbeir drugs and driive if they quit. My daughter who quot walked back and foeth to worknin a Chicago winter. She survived even stronger...quit everything and changed her life. I think hardship is actually good for character. Too many of those who bring us here are privledged and expect us to keep rolling put the money, cars, other toys. Not good in my opinion.

 

[Catmom]

Just read my daily devotion today. Reminded me of all of our comments, concerns, sadness and heartache. It said " Sometimes we forget our children belong to God and He loves them more than we do."

 

[Childofmine]

This is a very important thing to read, remember, study and internalize.

Sometimes we forget our children belong to God and He loves them more than we do."

God has this. If not God (for some), a Higher Power, than you or me or any other mom. We cannot, we just cannot, walk another person's path for them. They have to do it.

My prevailing image that I held on to very tightly during the awful times was this one: God has his arm around my son's shoulder and they are walking away from me together down a long long road. I can see them getting smaller and smaller in the distance as they walk. Even though my son didn't acknowledge or claim it, God's arm was already there for him, waiting and ready. I had to stay behind. I could not run around in front of them on the path...or run after them...saying wait! Wait! ....It was my job to stay back and watch them walk away together.

In time, as painful as that image was for a mom who loves her wayward and messed up son, it was an image that I still believe was and is right and true. We must get out of the way so our adult children can grow up and deal with real life on real life's terms.

But boy, it is the hardest thing in the world to live into.

 

[wisernow]

Childofmine...what a wonderful post. It brought tears to my eyes. I too had that same image on my worst days...that somehow someone else , a higher power, needed to guide him. My job was done. That is when I was able to finally let go and find some peace in my heart. Hugs.