Regardless of what the problem is, until he has to deal with the problem himself, until the consequences fall on him rather than on the family, nothing is going to change. Right now your husband is without his change but your son has no real consequences. He got lectured or yelled at, but he didn't get charged with theft by the police. He didn't get thrown out. Depending on the size of the jar, it could have been hundreds of dollars of change, meaning a felony. Given that he refuses to work, he isn't worried about a felony on his record, so why not press charges? If you press them, you cannot drop them later. You have to go through with them no matter what. I wouldn't even post bail for him. I would use that time when he is being held in jail as time he wasn't living with you so that he would have to find a new place to live when he gets out. But I am like SWOT. I am meaner than most moms. I grew up with a difficult brother who made my life a living Hades on Earth and I swore than when I had my own home, no one would do it to me.
It is time to realize that you are teaching your grandchild some lessons you don't want to teach her. You don't want her to grow up like her dad. Your other kids are doing well in spite of your son. Your grandchild is watching everything the adults do and wondering and learning. She is wondering why you are letting him walk all over you and break all the rules and not punishing him? At some point she will wonder if that will work for her if she breaks enough rules or is rude enough or loud enough. You need to get your son out of your home before his influence ruins her. You may feel sorry that he is homeless, but you cannot let it ruin her. You accepted responsibility for that little child when you said you would raise her. If you want her to have a chance to turn into a decent adult, you have to kick him out so he doesn't ruin her. Otherwise he will show her that what you say she is supposed to do only counts some of the time, because he doesn't have to do it. That is a very slippery slope.
He is making choices. When he is truly allowed to fall, and fall hard, he will continue to make choices. He will either actually find a job and work it, or he will find some sucker who will support him. Either way, it won't be your problem. Until now, you have been the people he has chosen to support him. You have to realize that something is more important that the guilt you feel when he starts whining about being guilty or he starts throwing a fit. Clearly you don't consider yourself and your husband to be more important, or you would have cut him off long ago. Please consider the long term welfare of your grandchild, and cut him off.
He considers it YOUR JOB to support him for the rest of his life!!!!!!!!!! Yes, isn't that a shock?? It is the truth, I bet. When you are gone he will consider it your granddaughter's job to support him. Do you want that innocent little girl to spend her life slaving away to support him? No?? Then toss him out now to set a good example!! Stop the funds and let him figure it out for himself. If nothing else, he can steal for a living. Then the government will give him 3 meals and a bed for various stretches of time over and over again. He can steal small items or large items, but eventually it is choosing to live in a jail. His actions are CHOOSING to not live with you. So far you have just not been able to see it through the smokescreen of FOG (fear obligation and guilt) he has thrown up. Read up on codependency and detachment, and then put your grandchild's needs above your own and kick this overgrown idiot to the curb to live with his choices. When he gets all upset about being homeless, tell him to go find a shelter or a friend, but he cannot be on your property. When he whines about being hungry, tell him to go find a soup kitchen. You can use google to find those in your city or county.
I know this is hard. Change is really tough, especially after years of dealing with this. But it really is what is best for you, your husband, your other children, and even for him. If he is to have any hope of a better future, he needs to break these awful habits. He won't break them until he learns they are not working for him. But right now, in your home, they are working for him. So you have to make them not work for him by kicking him out. Then he can try them in the real world, where on a lot of people, they probably won't work. They might even get him arrested. In which case, you do NOT have bail money for him because he won't show up for court. he really won't.
Keep posting here. It really does help. No one here is going to judge you or get mad at you for not taking advice or suggestions. I know you are not ready to take my advice. This was mostly meant to shock you and make you think about the impact of his actions on your grandchild long term. I don't expect you to actually be able to throw him out without help just like that. It might be great, but if you could do that, you would have done it long before now. It is much harder than it should be, that is the pitfall of codependency. Been there, done that!! The t shirt is really ugly, if I do say so.
You might consider seeing a therapist to help work through things. It really can help. Having someone live outside of the situation to talk to can be a huge help. It is different than just posting here.
