At my Wits end - sorry I've not been here!

[Lost in sadness]

So, last night he contacts me with a screen shot of someone offering him a job. I said "great, now go to it, do it for 6 months and don't steal off them". Wrong response of course!! Next is a load of abuse about, why nothing is good enough for me, why can't I just say something nice, was that necessary, why am I always negative, why am I such a terrible mother, why don't I support him etc etc. What he wanted me to say was "Wow, well done, you can come home now"! As usual we end up in a text war where I get angry at him because he does not seem to even acknowledge or take responsibility for how he has caused hell on earth for two years! His view is (i quote) "I had a bit of fun, made some mistakes and smoke a little weed and you act like i've killed someone". I cannot believe it! The trouble is, I always get drawn into it and it makes me feel guilty and then I doubt myself and wonder if I am over reacting. I am trying to stay strong and i have told him now that there is little point in him keep contacting me because until he has a job and stays in it for 6 months, gets off drugs and stops hanging around with people that terrify me then I can do no more to help him. My husbands view is that I told him last week the same but yet i continue to engage in him when he contact me therefore my message is still not clear. I really do not know. I didn't really want to cut ties but keeping contact just keeps it going. The saga continues xx

 

[BusynMember]

He is the one overreacting and behaving like a baby. I would stop texting as soon as he starts arguing with you. He is sn adult man, not that cute little boy, and he alone is responsinle for his life. You dont owe him housing for any reason. If he gets a job he can pay for his own place. Thats what my daughter did once she quit and got a job.

 

[RN0441]

Lost In Sadness

You said it yourself. As long as you keep contact with him nothing will change.

How old is your son?

I do not talk to my son at all when he is using. He was doing pretty well and then got pills again. I knew something was going on so I blocked him. He talked to his dad some but not a lot.

I will not talk to someone when they are being deceitful. I don't care who they are. I don't care if I gave birth to them.

He is now doing very well in rehab and moving to IOP next week. This is the first time that I have seen him "do the work" but it all is like water off a duck's back to me. (I read this in a book and it just hit the nail on the head for me).

It took him years of being like this so nothing is going to change over night. I need to see a lot of change and a lot of work and that to me is YEARS before I will open my heart up all the way to let him in. He will always be there but I am protecting myself because I have been hurt too many times.

One little good thing just doesn't do it. You know your son isn't truly committed to change and nothing else will do.

I am pretty much waiting for my son to make something out of himself. It reminds me of how Asian parents parent their children. They do not praise them often for fear the child may think they are "done". We are so far from that with our son.

It sounds like you are getting there.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Hi RN0441

My son has only just turned 19 - so young, an adult by law but still my baby. My husband would disagree and say that he can manage to arrange hotels, parties and drugs so he can manage to get a job and be decent. Still hard. Unfortunately I don't think he even knows when he is lying anymore they come so freely.
I am so pleased to hear your news about your son and I hope he continues. I am sure its hard to feel any happiness because we just don not know how long it will last.

I think I have got to the stage now where 'change' for me has to be visual and not just words. It feels like I am being too hard on him but words have never worked before. xx

 

[DoneDad]

Next time try a different approach.

Him: my first week at work was really crappy, the boss hates me and the other people that work there are idiots.

You: That sounds tough, but I know you'll figure it out.

Him: I need to quit and move home. Why can't you be supportive like a mother is supposed to? You never do anything for me.

You: Sorry you feel that way. Oh, time for my water aerobics class. Gotta go. Talk to you again next week, same time. Have a great week. Click.

Then don't engage with him again until YOU want to. If he texts, ignore it. Don't read them. Don't answer calls. You're not his punching bag. He's frustrated that he's having to live with the consequences of his actions. He doesn't get to take out his frustrations on you.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Thank you DoneDad, this is perfect.....I just need to actually find something I enjoy to excuse myself for! I will shut my computer lid now and get on with my day, I've shed enough tears for one day. xx

 

[RN0441]

Yes he is young, so is my son but I don't want him druggin' when he's 30 so keeping my distance to show him I am really serious.

If he chooses a life I do not approve of, I will not be a part of his life. He will not be able to talk to me or see me.

It took me a long time to get here but it is honestly how I feel. Weeks turn into months and months turn into years and it goes on and on.

They have to be REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE to even see the need to change. Their brain is SICK.

My son wants us in his life but it will be on our terms. I will not waiver on that.

Actions speak louder than words. No lip service here please.

 

[Kathryn]

Lost in Sadness,

ALL of the above messages have been 'spot on', and although tough to absorb - you should nevertheless TRY to embrace some of the well meaning suggestions. Having lived through a similar scenario with my son (who is now 36 and has completely turned his life around from the downward spiral he was living since 13 yrs of age), and going through a current situation with my 31-yr old daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder - I can honestly say that TOUGH LOVE can and will save you. Everyone here has touched on a different, but very effective technique, that will help you practice tough love: detachment is paramount. Otherwise, you wind up ENABLING your son to do all his hideous deeds and abuse you.

Take control of YOUR life - remember, there are other people in your family circle also. Too often we become obsessed with and completely involved with our 'problem' child - to the exclusion and detriment of other loved ones. Please, PLEASE force yourself to make these very difficult decisions in order to save yourself. Your life, and those around you, depend on it. It's very much like dealing with an alcoholic - and AA understands that addicts have to often 'hit rock bottom' in order to begin the process of re-building their lives.

Please DO either find a support group, or Al Anon, or a therapist, to aid you on this very difficult path. This forum and my own therapist have been my salvation. It takes strength, perseverance, AND love to remain steadfast. You ARE a good and loving mother - no matter what he or anyone else might say.

I wish you only positive and loving thoughts as you forge through this battle of love. Please stay connected with all of us. xoxo

Kathryn