At My Witt's End

[Overwhelmed1]

So so very tired. Finding myself thinking about why I am still here. What kind of life do I have. I call my mom after not talking to her for months and finally get the courage of answering honestly how I am doing. I told her I was really falling apart, her response, cheer up it will get better well I have another call so I will talk to you later.
My son 35 year old son who stills lives with me with his girlfriend, came into my room a month or so ago screaming that I didn't deserve to be called mom, I was a total loser, he can't stand to look at me let alone talk to me. He was right in my face with his fist screaming while his girlfriend was on the phone listening, He had the speaker on and I heard her say leave her alone, she isn't worth it. Not the first time this has happened and I am sure it wont be the last, Weird thing is, I wish he would just finish me. I am to tired to deal with it any more.
My daughter 36 who I pay all her bills, groceries, birthday and Christmas present for her three kids, my grandchildren and give her spending money manipulates, twists everything I say, tells everyone I am awful, don't help her, I just want to control her and on and on.
I don't know how to get my son out of the house or stop supporting my daughter and grandchildren.
I am so lost. I don't even know how I feel any more, depressed, sad, hurt, disappointed, lost, alone and mostly tired of life.
I don't expect anyone to be able to help me, hell I don't even know how to accept help. Someone says something nice about me and I shut down not knowing how to respond. I have been so independent all my life and cannot figure out how my children are so dependent on others, especially on me yet they hate me.
Funny how they think nothing of me yet I think about ended it all and all I can think about is what it would do to my kids and grand kids.
I can't find joy, can't pray any more, can't sleep, can't think and can't get up to do anything but go to work every day. I have no money left for myself, no friends any more, I have distance myself from my family and neighbors. No more caring about my yard, house or me.
This is so bad to write for others to read but I have to get it out. I cannot pretend I am ok any more.
I find myself thinking more and more about permanent sleep. What would it feel like. Would I be happy?
God, please help me help my family....

 

[newstart]

Dear Overwhelmed, I think all of us on the site have felt what you are going through on many different levels. Sounds like you have depression and depression can be healed and lifted. You deserve a good happy life. You matter. I do understand how you feel. When I am where you are, I practice self care, not enough can be said about it. Do what makes you feel grounded everday. I enjoy taking long showers, long walks, bike rides and shopping for new foods. I enjoy adult comedy, it always brings me to a better mood. I ask God to lighten your heart and make you feel deep peace and whole again. You can get there. I wish you could walk away from your abusive adult children and just take care of you.

 

[Triedntrue]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. My son is 37 and i have been there. Please read the article on detachment on the parent emeritus page. First if your son is abusive physically or you are afraid you should call the police. Believe me i know this is hard but several of us had to do this. With my son we needed to do it a couple times . Some other suggestions are to seek professional help for yourself where a counselor can help you to figure out how to deal with your situation with your needs . third please don't take their abuse if they are on the phone and abusive tell them if they don't stop you will hang up and then do it. Keep doing it until they get the message. In your post you have many issues with your kids which is as your name states overwhelming. Maybe it would be best to deal with one or two at a time. Violence first. Your children do not have the right to treat you this way but they wont change if you don't change the way you deal with it. You have the right to be happy in your home. If your son won't let you he needs to go elsewhere. I have no right to tell you what to do and these suggestions are what many people here have done i hope they help. in the mean time i will pray for you.

 

[Nomad]

Hi!
Can you get to a therapist? When you have a child like this...it’s overwhelming. if you aren’t doing so already...consider taking a multi vitamin, extra D3 and a B complex. Such vitamins help with anxiety and depression. Consider also eating fish now and then like salmon. Those oils can be helpful too.

I have found that few folks fully understand this type of stress. Sadly, even close relatives. So sometimes, we have to pull back and not tell them the full truth of the honest situation. Not always.

But, we understand here! So...this is a good and should be helpful.

also...your son very likely needs to leave your home. If he can’t speak to you in a decent manner...then he has to go. If he is ever abusuve physically, call the police. Find out what your legal rights are. Perhaps you,ll need to send him a thirty day eviction notice. Certified mail.

But... one be more grotesque outburst like that should result (in my humble opinion) in such action. It’s sad and scary as he likely has no place to go. But , you can give him fair warning. You can give him thirty days to find another place to live. These consequences will be his choice ...due to his behaviors. It’s not your fault. Save yourself. And , ironically you might in the end save him too.

 

[Nandina]

Hi Overwhelmed,

I am so very sorry you are continuing to struggle with your kids.

I am not one to suggest a pill for everything that comes along, but when you are as depressed as you appear to be right now...and when you are considering ending it, this is serious...I think medication is something to consider. Can you talk to your doctor about it? Or if you decide to find a therapist, and I strongly suggest it as well, sometimes if they see that you are depressed, they can refer you to someone who can prescribe something. Being a medical doctor, a psychiatrist can prescribe medications if you decide to go that route.

I remember last time you were posting here and you sounded like you were trying to take some of the advice offered and things were looking somewhat up in your attitude. I understand your need for a break to process things and regroup or whatever reason you needed, but during that time it looks like your entitled, difficult kids completely quashed every bit of hope that you had, Dear One.

Don’t let them do this to you! You do not deserve to be abused by those who should be grateful for the home you are providing for them. I agree with Nomad. Abusive kids in the home have to go. It will be hard but I hope you will be able to stay for awhile and listen to the advice of those folks here who have been through some of the same things with their difficult children.

I’m sure others will be along later to offer their strength and support. We all stand behind you, lift you up with love, send prayers, and have great hope that you will come through this strong, confident and fully aware of your self-worth.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Thank you all. I am trying my hardest. I am afraid to be labeled so I won't speak of this to a Dr. as I work in the medical field for a large hospital and am trying to keep my personal and professional life separated. It's difficult to smile at work all day but so far I have managed only to completely fall apart at home.
I read all you thoughtful, loving comments and agree and understand. What I don't understand is why I am held up in this shell that I cannot break out of.
I'm afraid to talk face to face with anyone because I know I will break down and cry uncontrollably just like I do when I write on here.
Work is my solace and I don't know what is going to happen now that I am forced to work from home due to the virus.
Last week at work was so busy. I had to prepare my staff for working at home and get equipment to the home. I loved being so busy.I had no time to think about my issues. As soon as I got home every evening, I felt gloom and doom, uneasiness, lost. I can't move when I am home. I sit in one spot all weekend, often times not even sleeping until Monday night when I come home from work after being up 24 - 48 hours. I collapse from exhaustion.
I just want it to stop.

 

[louise2350]

Overwhelmed: I remember when my daughter was living with me. Everyday was a struggle. Thankfully, I don't have her living with me anymore. I sympathize with your situation and I do hope things turn around for the better for you. Don't hesitate to reach out to find help in your struggles. There are professionals out there to assist you during this time. You should not be treated this way. You can obtain a restraining order for the grown son who lives with you. You need support during this time. I hope you can find relatives or some friends who can help you. Find good professional help and don't give up.

 

[Nandina]

Overwhelmed, I’m glad to see your post. As far as being afraid you will start crying uncontrollably if you see a counselor, believe me, they are used to it. As you start letting things out to the counselor the crying will probably subside somewhat, but it’s ok to cry, dear, you’ve been holding on to this pain for a long time! And that is what they are there for—to provide a listening ear to someone who is in pain or having issues that are difficult to solve on one’s own.

I think we mentioned before that there are other avenues for counseling like online that might be a better fit for you. Whatever you decide, I hope you’ ll stay here, post, and consider some of the advice you’ll be given. There is no judgment. Just helping hands reaching out to you in friendship and support.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. My son is 37 and i have been there. Please read the article on detachment on the parent emeritus page. First if your son is abusive physically or you are afraid you should call the police. Believe me i know this is hard but several of us had to do this. With my son we needed to do it a couple times . Some other suggestions are to seek professional help for yourself where a counselor can help you to figure out how to deal with your situation with your needs . third please don't take their abuse if they are on the phone and abusive tell them if they don't stop you will hang up and then do it. Keep doing it until they get the message. In your post you have many issues with your kids which is as your name states overwhelming. Maybe it would be best to deal with one or two at a time. Violence first. Your children do not have the right to treat you this way but they wont change if you don't change the way you deal with it. You have the right to be happy in your home. If your son won't let you he needs to go elsewhere. I have no right to tell you what to do and these suggestions are what many people here have done i hope they help. in the mean time i will pray for you.

I read the article again and it is full of fact, knowing what I know, is why I can't understand why I am unable to do what I know needs to be done. I consider myself to be educated, responsible and practical as everyone here must be as well considering the threads and responses I read, so how did I let myself get here and more importantly, how do I get out?
I am so thankful for everyone here.

 

[Blindsided]

So so very tired. Finding myself thinking about why I am still here. What kind of life do I have. I call my mom after not talking to her for months and finally get the courage of answering honestly how I am doing. I told her I was really falling apart, her response, cheer up it will get better well I have another call so I will talk to you later.
My son 35 year old son who stills lives with me with his girlfriend, came into my room a month or so ago screaming that I didn't deserve to be called mom, I was a total loser, he can't stand to look at me let alone talk to me. He was right in my face with his fist screaming while his girlfriend was on the phone listening, He had the speaker on and I heard her say leave her alone, she isn't worth it. Not the first time this has happened and I am sure it wont be the last, Weird thing is, I wish he would just finish me. I am to tired to deal with it any more.
My daughter 36 who I pay all her bills, groceries, birthday and Christmas present for her three kids, my grandchildren and give her spending money manipulates, twists everything I say, tells everyone I am awful, don't help her, I just want to control her and on and on.
I don't know how to get my son out of the house or stop supporting my daughter and grandchildren.
I am so lost. I don't even know how I feel any more, depressed, sad, hurt, disappointed, lost, alone and mostly tired of life.
I don't expect anyone to be able to help me, hell I don't even know how to accept help. Someone says something nice about me and I shut down not knowing how to respond. I have been so independent all my life and cannot figure out how my children are so dependent on others, especially on me yet they hate me.
Funny how they think nothing of me yet I think about ended it all and all I can think about is what it would do to my kids and grand kids.
I can't find joy, can't pray any more, can't sleep, can't think and can't get up to do anything but go to work every day. I have no money left for myself, no friends any more, I have distance myself from my family and neighbors. No more caring about my yard, house or me.
This is so bad to write for others to read but I have to get it out. I cannot pretend I am ok any more.
I find myself thinking more and more about permanent sleep. What would it feel like. Would I be happy?
God, please help me help my family....

Overwhelmed1, I am so sorry. I still have these same feelings even though I have learned to set boundaries and deal logically with each shocking behavior. I am in a waxing and waning stage right now. I thought nothing could shock me anymore... until. I recently posted about it.

With boundaries in place, I am able to carry forward better now. But, I was still awake at 2 a.m. this morning. The good news is that it isn't every night like it once was. I read about conduct disorders, what I can do to manage myself better, and appreciate the people here who can speak to my issues with objectivity.

May I suggest you call your local mental health hotline and explain your situation? They might be able to recommend resources you need to cope that fit your life.

Our DCs need more help than we are capable of giving. And, it's their choice to get help.

I so want you to take care of yourself and find a way to get yourself into a safe place, physically and mentally.

In healing

 

[Blindsided]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. My son is 37 and i have been there. Please read the article on detachment on the parent emeritus page. First if your son is abusive physically or you are afraid you should call the police. Believe me i know this is hard but several of us had to do this. With my son we needed to do it a couple times . Some other suggestions are to seek professional help for yourself where a counselor can help you to figure out how to deal with your situation with your needs . third please don't take their abuse if they are on the phone and abusive tell them if they don't stop you will hang up and then do it. Keep doing it until they get the message. In your post you have many issues with your kids which is as your name states overwhelming. Maybe it would be best to deal with one or two at a time. Violence first. Your children do not have the right to treat you this way but they wont change if you don't change the way you deal with it. You have the right to be happy in your home. If your son won't let you he needs to go elsewhere. I have no right to tell you what to do and these suggestions are what many people here have done i hope they help. in the mean time i will pray for you.

Agree. Just had this thought afyer reading Triedntrue. Check the elder abuse resources in your area, Overwlemed1.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Found myself almost reaching out to my mom and siblings but couldn't. I don't feel they are sincere when it comes to me. I've always been the outcast, guess it was the spot I fell into as a child.
When the tornado came through two out of 8 siblings texted me.
They both asked if I was OK. I responded Yes, thanks for checking on me. No reply ever came. Guess I will here from them again the next time a catastrophe strikes. My daughter didn't even call. I don't feel they are the people to open up to.
I feel like I am reaching out to someone that is not there and I guess this is why it is hard for me to trust people with my feelings.
So glad I have you all.....

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Overwhelmed

I agree with the others, and want to add a couple ideas. First, SSRI's (older versions are Zoloft, Paxil, etc. but there are newer ones too) are a type of anti-depressant that many people take, including many, many professionals who work in the medical field. They are taken for many reasons not only for depression. I can't see how anybody could be stigmatized for taking this kind of medication. I am a medical professional. When I have been depressed I have not hesitated to take this medication until I have stabilized myself.

Second, 12 step groups such as Al Anon or AA are anonymous. I have gone, and among the people there are medical doctors and nurses and attorneys, and administrators, teachers and professors, and everybody. Nobody is exempt from problems. And the best way to deal with them, is together.

My grandmother used to say that the best remedy for illness is air. I do as she did. Every day I open up my whole house to the breeze. I open doors and windows so that there is a cross-current, and the stale air can be blown out by the fresh air. Even when it's cold I do this. And every time I do, I think of my grandmother.

What she was doing was not only moving air, she was moving energy.

Right now your home has become stagnant with stale and unhealthy energy. Your family has become abusive, and you, their victim. Nobody, and I mean nobody could tolerate this without succumbing. What you are experiencing is the natural consequence of the conditions in which you are living. It's not your fault.

I think there needs to be a several pronged response, which nobody could do alone. When we are alone, and when we keep things secret, thoughts and feelings keep swirling in our heads and we can't escape easily from them. This is how anti-depressants and 12 step groups help. They air out our brains. We can open ourselves up to healing breezes. We get support to move.

Right now you're all bottled up, locked up and tied up. The first step is to begin little by little to step out of these chains. Remembering that what you are experiencing is an entirely normal reaction to the conditions you're in. And then on top of everything, all of us are in this petri dish of coronavirus. Alone. Isolated. Afraid.

There are remedies for these feelings too. But the first thing to know is this: you're not alone. You are just fine, who you are. That this is happening to you, is not you. You are good and whole and healthy. You have it within you to separate yourself from this toxicity. To remember that the toxicity is not you. It's the effect of circumstances that you can and will change. I love you.

 

[Blindsided]

Thank you all. I am trying my hardest. I am afraid to be labeled so I won't speak of this to a Dr. as I work in the medical field for a large hospital and am trying to keep my personal and professional life separated. It's difficult to smile at work all day but so far I have managed only to completely fall apart at home.
I read all you thoughtful, loving comments and agree and understand. What I don't understand is why I am held up in this shell that I cannot break out of.
I'm afraid to talk face to face with anyone because I know I will break down and cry uncontrollably just like I do when I write on here.
Work is my solace and I don't know what is going to happen now that I am forced to work from home due to the virus.
Last week at work was so busy. I had to prepare my staff for working at home and get equipment to the home. I loved being so busy.I had no time to think about my issues. As soon as I got home every evening, I felt gloom and doom, uneasiness, lost. I can't move when I am home. I sit in one spot all weekend, often times not even sleeping until Monday night when I come home from work after being up 24 - 48 hours. I collapse from exhaustion.
I just want it to stop.

Thank you for the additional info. Okay, first, it seems your children have isolated you because they think you wont share with others.

I am glad you smile and laugh as though nothing is wrong. Think of it as a much needed boost. There is time for doom and gloom later.

As an RN, I understand your reluctance to share at work, but maybe there is someone else, most likely is, that is dealing with similar issues. It's our approach. People help people who help themselves. With professional help you will learn to prioritize. I have found even my closest friends get tired of the negatives. I have learned they are right. I now think of my time with them as my away time. I try to keep my negativity to a minimum with everyone and find it helps me too. That's not to say dont share here, we need a safe place to share our deepest concerns. Only we understand. That's human.

Last, but not least, thank you so much for what you are doing to minimize the devastation of COVID19. All the ventilators in the world wont help if there isn't any staff to monitor them. We need all our hospital staff, even non medical to get us through this.

Blessings to you.

 

[Blindsided]

I read the article again. I consider myself to be educated, responsible and

Found myself almost reaching out to my mom and siblings but couldn't. I don't feel they are sincere when it comes to me. I've always been the outcast, guess it was the spot I fell into as a child.
When the tornado came through two out of 8 siblings texted me.
They both asked if I was OK. I responded Yes, thanks for checking on me. No reply ever came. Guess I will here from them again the next time a catastrophe strikes. My daughter didn't even call. I don't feel they are the people to open up to.
I feel like I am reaching out to someone that is not there and I guess this is why it is hard for me to trust people with my feelings.
So glad I have you all.....

We dont know what others think unless we ask them. Honestly, I don't think asking for support from those you don't feel you can trust is a good idea. But, only you can make that decision.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I am so blessed to have found support through all of you. My story began way before I had children. I promised myself my kids would know they were loved, would be protected and believed if they came to me about anything.
I kept that promise, but in doing so did I cause other issues for them.
I keep trying to figure out where I failed them. Why aren't they out there making a life for themselves? Why are they so manipulative, hateful, dependent and angry at me. I just don't understand.
I use to love helping people, being a part of a huge family, babysitting my nieces and nephews, having family gatherings and feeling like I belonged. I don't know what happened to change that. Why I stopped being included. How does this happen? I made my mistakes but so did we all. I don't think mine were over the top where I should be discarded.
This is my life, I should rejoice in it, right? Should I even care about finding the answers.
I am such a mess. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just want to know why this all happened.
I don't think anyone has the answers but I do think I will join a group, Al Anon, AA or something once people can meet again.
Copa, thank you for all you said. I so appreciate you.
All the responses have been so kind and uplifting. I appreciate all of you.
Thank you all for getting me through this day.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I think my brain is tired enough that I can sleep tonight. I don't know how I would have gotten through these last few days if it wasn't for the strong and encouraging people here. I did good today not responding to my daughters texts. Tomorrow she will start off with a sweet text then abruptly turn ugly.
I am really tired tonight and hope I actually sleep.
I can't even express to all of you how much you did for me the last few days.
I am not well but I don't feel alone. Thank you all for that.
Peace and Love

 

[susiestar]

Hi! I have been on this forum for years, but I only pop in occasionally now. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. Warning - I tend to write a LOT!

I have an exercise for you. It is fast, and takes no brain power. Do it as a favor to me, if you would. Put your right hand on your left bicep. Keep it there. Put your left hand on your right bicep. Now squeeze gently and firmly.

That was a big hug from me!!! You NEEDED it! Repeat as many times as needed!

Now, It sounds like you are in the US. You have the same HIPPA rights as anyone else. But of course word gets around. As soon as you can, find a doctor in a nearby town and get some medications and a recommendation to a counselor. I struggled with taking medications for my mental health for years. Until my son needed them. If it was okay for me to medicate his hyperactivity, mood swings and violence, why wasn't it okay to medicate my depression? Sounded like a double standard to me, and I don't deal with with those in my life. I do know how people talk, and I can see why you wouldn't want your business all over the hospital/medical community in your area. But I bet you would be surprised by how many people take medications for mental health issues. Even in your profession.

You don't have to be perfect, look perfect, or act perfectly. That may be a revelation, it is to many women. It was to me at one time. You are ALLOWED to not be perfect. Women fall into the trap of thinking we need to do everything perfectly. Perfect isn't real. Perfect is plastic like Barbie and disposable forks. I don't want to be a Barbie or a disposable fork. I want to be REAL. Real isn't perfect. It is a fresh picked apple with a bruise that you eat anyway and it tastes SO AMAZING because it came straight off of the tree! Real is when you forgot that item on your list but you figure out a way to make it work without it. Real is freckles and stretch marks and saggy boobs and mascara that runs. I like freckles. I am PROUD of my stretch marks and saggy boobs - they show the world that I cared enough to have kids and to breastfeed them. If my mascara runs, I was playing in the rain or I felt some deep emotion and cried or I played with an animal that made my eyes water.

Let yourself be real. Once you can do that, you can let your kids fail. You can stop paying their way through the world so that people won't think you failed to raise them properly. Or so you won't think you are a bad mother because your son had to pay rent and he got angry and abusive. But you can't get to the "make the kids be actual adults" until you settle into learning to love yourself warts and all.

Please don't let your son abuse you. My mother figured out how to get my Difficult Child Older Brother to stop ranting at her. She just gets up and walks away. She has left him in parks, at restaurants, even at her own table. She doesn't say goodbye or anything else. Just stands up and leaves him. He thought she had dementia setting in at one point because she kept walking away while he was talking. I laughed so hard. Then I told him she was done being ranted/yelled at or berated. She didn't want to fight, so she just left him to rant/berate away at the wall. He was POSITIVE that I was wrong and we needed to go to court to get guardianship of her, lol!!! I declined his invitation to help with that process.

In time, when you are ready, you will figure out how to take the steps you know you need to take. Your kids will be pissed, but that can be their problem, just like my brother's lack of audience for his ranting is my brother's problem.

I am really sorry that you feel so depressed and miserable. Know that we are not just spouting words at you. We truly get it. We know how hard it is to deal with kids like your son and daughter. We have had to deal with our own abusive kids and other family members. Your son sounds much like my older brother. So you have found kindred spirits who aren't going to just mmmm-hmmm you.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Susiestar thank you. Your hug means a lot. I was so tired awhile ago but here I am at 2:00AM awake. I'm glad I found your hug and true words. It makes being up at this hour not so bad.
You are so right about being perfect. None of us are. Heck I have stopped wearing makeup long ago, so no mascara issues here. I use to take pride in the way I looked, been a long time ago for that as well.
Your mom sounds amazing. Unfortunately my son follows me around even if I go outside. He screams out to the neighborhood how horrible I am. He has even went and talked to the neighbors. He wants them to know how crazy I am and that I treat him so badly.
Both my kids have humiliated me on social media, to family and friends. I feel far from perfect.
Don't get me wrong, I am not offended in what you said, I know where you were coming from with that. Women are under pressure to feel the need to be good at everything and look like the stars in the magazines and I have put myself under a lot of pressure.
I don't make friends any more because eventually both my kids will give them an ear full.
I have gotten so many needed responses here and feel safe with all of you.
It's not the medication I wouldn't take, it is how I hear people discussing personal information about their friends to others that I back away from. I hate gossip and deceitfulness and I see it at work all the time. They remind me of the distrust I have with my own family and kids. If someone confides in you be honored that they trust you and don't repeat it to anyone. That's how I treat friendship and trust anyway.
I am planning on joining a group so I can get through this with their help. I hope it doesn't take long for me to open up to them.
Thank you again for being here for me in the wee hours of the night.
Hugs back at you.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Hi!
Can you get to a therapist? When you have a child like this...it’s overwhelming. if you aren’t doing so already...consider taking a multi vitamin, extra D3 and a B complex. Such vitamins help with anxiety and depression. Consider also eating fish now and then like salmon. Those oils can be helpful too.

I have found that few folks fully understand this type of stress. Sadly, even close relatives. So sometimes, we have to pull back and not tell them the full truth of the honest situation. Not always.

But, we understand here! So...this is a good and should be helpful.

also...your son very likely needs to leave your home. If he can’t speak to you in a decent manner...then he has to go. If he is ever abusuve physically, call the police. Find out what your legal rights are. Perhaps you,ll need to send him a thirty day eviction notice. Certified mail.

But... one be more grotesque outburst like that should result (in my humble opinion) in such action. It’s sad and scary as he likely has no place to go. But , you can give him fair warning. You can give him thirty days to find another place to live. These consequences will be his choice ...due to his behaviors. It’s not your fault. Save yourself. And , ironically you might in the end save him too.

Nomad, thank you for your support and encouragement. You sound very wise and I appreciate that you took time to reach out to me. It is very difficult for me to open up but I have been able to here. You all make me feel safe.
Thank you so much for everything.