At My Witt's End

[WiseChoices]

Dear Overwhelmed,
It makes perfect sense that you feel the way you do. You are living with abuse in your own home. It wears you down, it diminishes you, and it will send anyone into depression. I am so glad you reached out. You are not alone. Please add this number for the suicide hotline into your phone 1-800-273-8255. Please call them when you feel suicidal. You are a worthy, important, deserving human being and you matter. There is also a crisis line you can text to :741741.

With the current Corona Virus situation, it will not be possible to get to an Al-Anon meeting, but I, too, strongly recommend Al-Anon for you. Nobody will share that you were there just like you will be asked to keep everyone you see there anonymous. In the meantime, check out their website and start reading there. Get yourself an Al-Anon reader on Amazon and read every morning's entry:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0910034796/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_om0DEbYNF5WH1

There is also an Al-Anon app with a daily lesson and story: Today's Hope
They have many resources on there.

And the Al-Anon help line for your area should be operational even now.

I can only echo some of the suggestion others have already made: DO NOT accept abuse. Nobody gets to define you, attack you, or assassinate your character. My children did that to me for a while until I learned NOT TO accept it anymore. Walking away is indeed the best policy. When you get up and leave, you suck the energy right out of the room with you. You see, what is happening is all about power. And you hold your own power inside of you, given by a power greater than yourself, and when you get up an leave, slowly while adjusting your crown and being in full command of yourself, you take that power right out of the room with you. People continue to do what works for them. If you disrupt what works, they will change. After all, your children are both dependent upon you, and they know it. If your son follows you around as you try to leave, go to your room and lock the door. Tell him "I no longer accept your attacks".

Take the focus off your children. Don't worry about what you did or did not do that caused them to be how they are CHOSING to be. They are adults. Think about you. Ask yourself what you need in every moment. And then do that. Take a nice long shower. Eat a good meal. Read a book. Practice being quiet and tuning into yourself.

You will get through this. Change is possible. You can recover. You hold so much strength inside of you and you show yourself that every day at work. I am sending you love and hugs.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Good morning everyone. I wanted to thank you all for the love and support I have gotten from all of you. It has really helped me through a very dark moment. I say moment because I am already focusing on how to get better. That is thanks to this forum and the awesome people here that make me feel safe to speak my truth.
As you have all guessed, I am not one to talk about my issues. I hide behind a smile and kindness to others and then get alone and fall apart. Writing to you all has lifted some of the fear, doom and gloom from me. So appreciated.
Today I am not answering my daughter's calls or texts, staying busy around the house to avoid my son.
I'm going to color my hair , take groceries to my elderly neighbor, get my extra bedroom converted into an office since I have to work from home for awhile and listen to my favorite music. This will hopefully keep my brain from firing off bad thoughts and my heart focused on the positives of life. This is my plan and I pray I keep to it. I am far from well but this is a start.
I send prayers, love and thanks to everyone here. I hope you all can have a peaceful loving day.

Peace and Love

 

[Copabanana]

I promised myself my kids would know they were loved, would be protected and believed if they came to me about anything.
I kept that promise, but in doing so did I cause other issues for them.

Look, Overwhelmed. I would guess you and I are not the only ones who wanted children believing we could give them what we needed as children, and did not get. And then, when our kids did not redeem us and our lives (I'm speaking only for me here) it felt like a cruel joke.

There is no parent alive who parents perfectly or raises perfect children. There are no perfect people. How could we do anything perfectly, let alone the hardest job in the world?

When people become adults, if they're not seriously and profoundly disabled or ill, they become responsible for themselves, what they become and the consequences of their acts. While it may be easy to blame parents and to hold them responsible, and many parents are all too willing to step in and catch the blame and take responsibility, this is a cop out and a poor way to live a life.

Our job here in this forum is to learn to stop catching the hot potato of responsibility, for our adult children. Especially, when they are abusing us or when their treatment of us, or their behavior generally is causing us to harm ourselves through fear, obligation and guilt, self-blame and self-hatred.

Self-blame and self-hatred (and the depression that comes with them) have been described as anger turned against the self.

This is what's happening here. Whether or not we feel the anger right now, oh boy, is there anger!! When the air gets moving, the anger will show up. It's just fine to feel it. But not against yourself.

Nobody did everything right. Believe me. Nobody.

I don't think mine were over the top where I should be discarded.

Look. I spent my whole life trying to be a model everything so that I would deserve love and care and acceptance. What I was defending against was a basic sense of inadequacy based on the sense that there was nowhere I could get what I needed as a person, what I had needed and craved as a child.

A few years ago I went to a neighboring city to a religious group of my faith. M and I traveled by train and paid big bucks to stay at hotels. I was thrilled at being with people of my faith, from a perspective that was very healing and profound. The opportunity for study was offered, and I was thrilled at the chance to participate.

The woman who was the coordinator seemed to spurn me, although she knew me not at all. (Maybe 3 words had been spoken.) There was some deception involved that is beside the point. And then she sent me an email with this phrase: I don't think that what you are looking for will ever be available here.

This was maybe three and a half years ago. When I think of it still the pain feels like a stab in the heart. I thought of it again today. Why? Because I saw on the website of this congregation that they don't turn away anybody. And guess what? As I was watering my 35 fruit trees (babies) I had this thought: If I was more fragile than I am I could have killed myself over this hurt.

I could not believe this thought had come to my brain. Because I've never been suicidal and I have never wanted to hurt or kill myself.

And it's only now writing this post, that I am forced to take my own medicine. I am enraged at that woman for rejecting me when my heart was full of love of G-d and I was seeking only community and to learn about my faith. I could bop her on the head with a mop (I'm thinking of worse, actually, but I don't want you to think ill of me.) But I don't use a mop. I use a Swiffer.

I HATE HER. But at the root of it, this woman means nothing. She is only a stand in for others who did not come through for me in the way I needed.

These dynamics with our children bring up all of this in spades. Whether or not we're aware of it.

But this is NOT the time for analysis. This is the time for FRESH AIR. For mindless novels. (I like Louis L'Amour westerns, because there are 120 of them that are all the same. And the good guy almost always gets the girl. And right eventually prevails. Why do I say this? Because we have a right to make our lives so that they have happy endings. We have a right to make every day have a happy ending. To banish sadness and get bad guys out of the story. We have a right to have happy thoughts and happy talk. These are our stories!! We can write them as we wish. You have this right! So do I.

So, let's make a pact. A happy story pact. To try every day to live a happy story. And that will begin with learning to get some control over our thoughts and methods to banish ill feeling through learning what helps us stabilize our nervous system and regain calm and a sense of well-being. There are all kinds of ways. Different things work better or not for each of us, but some things that work for me are meditation, exercise, music, cooking, artwork.

If you stay on this forum and come every day or most days in time you will get the support and the counsel to get control over your living space, your relationships, and your life. I think every single person here who has come here regularly knows what it feels like to be you. We've been there and we're learning how to air out our lives, and to take control of our stories. I hope you stay with us. We need you.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Copa, you are an angel!! Don't forget that.... You say it like it is and mean it. I like that. It's what I need. I'm not looking for pity, I want out of this life. I want to laugh and laugh hard. I want to be goofy and silly and it not be mocked. I'm looking for that witty, happy person that has been locked up somewhere.
I did pretty good today, for me these days anyway. But I did get a call that kind of stunk on several levels.
First the lady I have been training for a while at work went to the hospital today with virus symptoms and two of her family members that she has been in close contact with are both hospitalized. One is on a vent in ICU, the other isolated and on frequent breathing treatments.
This stinks for her and her family. I am very concerned for them all.
Secondly, I am now in quarantine for 14 days since I have had such close contact with her. I'm not worried, I feel fine and I know I will be OK.
What sucks for me is, I let my mom know. She sounded concerned and said she would let the rest of the family know.
One sister out of 8 siblings texted me and said, mom told me you are quarantine because of exposure. If you want talk call me. Really, you can't call? This is the way it is for me and my immediate family and has been for years. If I call they will talk, otherwise I never hear from them.
My daughter accused me of using this as a way not to send her money. WOW nothing changes.
My son, he hasn't said anything and that is for the best.
So Copa, yes I will make a pact. I will continue to come here for support and for any support I can give.
I am so very sorry about your stuggles and I will be here for you.
Being there for others has always been therapeutic for me. I suppose this is why I am an easy target to be manipulated.
We are sisters in spirit and in recovering our lives.
I appreciate you so much.
Thank you for being you.....

Peace and Love

 

[KTMom91]

I don't post much anymore, but I do follow along. Do you have someone who can bring you needed supplies while you're on quarantine?

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but I am sending hugs and a spare set of rhino skin so the insults etc. will just bounce off.

 

[Copabanana]

First the lady I have been training for a while at work went to the hospital today with virus symptoms and two of her family members that she has been in close contact with are both hospitalized.

Oh no!

I am now in quarantine for 14 days

Oh no! Will you get paid sick leave?

OK. Let's look at the bright side. I am assuming you will be paid, so you won't have money worries. And you say you feel fine! That's a good start! So. Your time is your own. What do you like to do? What do you love to do? I don't know the rules for quarantine but here in California we're all on lock down. But we can leave the house to walk the dog, for example, and to take walks ourselves. As long as we stay 6 feet away from anybody. I am wondering if you can leave the house, but if you have a yard you can garden!

The thing is all of us need to come up with a plan in these trying times. If we let these circumtances work on us, we end up beat up by it. So the challenge is defining our days for ourselves, proactively. I am trying in the evening to think about what I want my day to be. I'm not doing fantastic but I'm doing better.

I have come to love housework, after a lifetime of avoidance. I'm spending my days doing windows and venetian blinds and washing floors! And organziing. Of course, I can't assume anybody else likes this.

Did I mention that in CA most of us can't go anywhere except to buy food and get emergency medical treatment? It's for an indefinite period. I'm in a higher-risk age-group so I'm taking this very seriously. I live alone, and I am grateful for it.

If you want talk call me. Really, you can't call?

Look OW. Rule number 1. We can't change anybody. People are allowed to be who they are. The only control we have is the distance we put between us, and our expectations. Typically, we control this to a large extent.

You have choices here. Choice one would be to keep feeling bad if she doesn't act like the sister you want. Same goes for the other ones. We can pine and pine and wonder what's wrong with us that they treat us so? Or we can catch a clue and let them be. And go look elsewhere. Or look to ourselves which is what I'm trying to do. I have become quite spiritually-minded and I am trying to learn to be with that place in me, where everything is complete and whole. And learning to identify the way my thoughts lead me to feel painful emotions. We don't have to believe the stories our minds tell us. We can decide to think something else. I am not judging here. But if you know a well is dry, why keep going back? Who has the problem, if they keep going to a dry well? Who has the power to change that?

I know this because I am the same way.

This is truly an exciting time for us OW. We can change.

I am really quite concerned and frightened about the Coronavirus. Both for my own health and that of loved ones, and also economically. Plans that were imminent, involving making money, are now impacted. And I lost some money in investments. Not a great deal but enough to feel bad about it.

But the thing is, I do think that the sense of urgency and powerlessness has a positive side. It gets our attention. We have to live in the present, in the moment. Because nobody knows just what will happen from day to day. Everything is out of our hands, except the crucially important thing we usually ignore: how we feel; what we think; our consciousness; our emotional needs. And what we need to do right now, right this minute to feel contentment, peace, serenity,, ease. And what we need to do to restore that, if it's not there.

I am by no means making light of our situations, What I am telling myself, is to look for the silver liining.

I'm going to rest now and read a book. Be well, OW and everybody.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Actually I was scheduled to start working from home tomorrow anyway so I will be fine in that sense.
I am in my 60's but am healthy well at least physically, emotionally is another story.
You are right again Copa, that is why I stopped calling my family years ago. And, that is why I never hear from them, because I have not called. I am pretty much past that. Doesn't hurt anymore. I just consider my self without a family and that is OK. It's better than what I had.
KT, TN has closed all non essential businesses. There are people out there that are in much worse shape than me. I can order food from Kroger and they deliver. I can order most other things from Amazon and have it delivered as well. (toilet paper) hahahaha
Out if stock!!!
Thank you for you concern.
I can get in my yard, might even play in the rain that seems to not want to stop. I can take a nice scenic drive, I'd be by myself in my car listening to music.
All in all I think I will be just fine.
After all I have a family here.
Everyone take caution and care of yourselves....
Peace and Love

 

[Copabanana]

I just consider my self without a family and that is OK.

Me too. I'm in this same spot.

I can order food from Kroger and they deliver.

Me too. Not Kroger. We don't have it here, but there is an expensive market that delivers and I'm grateful for it.

Have fun in the yard OW! I will think of you when I'm watering my fruit trees.

Be well.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi, Overwhelmed. How are you doing right now? Stop. Breathe deeply. If you believe, remind yourself that God is right beside you.

You do not have to either put up with abuse from your kids, live with your son AND the girlfriend (really???) or forever shudder about what other people think of you. Once I did, but that is very much over. I don't care anymore. Neither does my husband.

I am in the community eye because of church and a business we run. So we are fair game for gossip and we get it. My difficult daughter used to visit a lot and caused scenes in public that had jaws flapping for months. I am sure many were happy to talk about our crazy daughter plus our deficient parenting skills.

Some good came of our decision to stop caring about those "other people" and what they said/thought. I think the same would happen in your case. Stop putting others before you please. If you do this...first of all, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who they aren't too.

If that leaves you alone, good! You can start to get to know different people.We made tons of real friends in Al Anon. Church too only some church friends turned out to be NOT real friends and talked about us behind our backs. So we stopped engaging with them. Same with neighbors. Some family, more distant relatives, were cut off for acting unkind and we have since reconciled with them because they apologized and stopped.

The best part is that if you stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and just realize that THEY are the ones going wrong for their own reasons, it sets you free. To get there, we used a therapist AND Al Anon. I think one is enough but two changed our once miserable lives for good.

Once you get real and face it that your kids are adults doing what they do because of themselves only, then you are free. Free to set reasonable boundaries. Free to evict your almost middle age son and this girlfriend, who is nothing to you. Free to say no without guilt. Free to lose touch if the kids refuse to hang around you unless you act as a bank and a slave. Free to turn off your phone, block, refuse to answer your door. Free to refuse poor treatment from anyone. Period.

We all needed to care for our ten year olds, not our 20, 30 and 40 year olds...and older!! They know what to do. If they won't, that is on them.

If you have baby/child pictures of your kids on your walls I recommend taking them down. Don't look back. They are grown ups now. Those cute little.kids are gone. Don't think of your kids as helpless cute babies who need you for survival.

Your grown kids have no right to make you so sad. Neither do others who don't understand your situation.

Only one person can make you happy. That is you. You have to learn to love yourself. Toxic people do not enrich your life, even if they are your kids, now grown up and abusive and not thriving.

I had to grow up myself to get here. But my husband and I are done with false friends, gossips, the opinions of others and allowing our daughter to abuse us. It will never happen again.

If God is in your life lean on Him. Do seek out professional help. Like Copa said, go to another town if you feel more comfortable but go. Try Al Anon. Everyone will understand you for once. You don't have to talk at all unless you are ready. Listening is healing. We did nothing but listen for a long time.

Do not let anyone but you be the boss of your personal life.

In these times, you may not be able to do all my suggestions if you want to, but I hope you look up therapist,and see where and when Al Anon meets and plan to evict the son and girlfriend. One thing we did not allow was for Kay to have males with her under our roof. That may have been the only boundary we set for a decade, although she moved out we helped. We did not want her there.

You hold your chin up and please please plan to care for YOU! You have the time now to plan. We will be here. Every step of the way.

 

[Deni D]

Overwhelmed I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I echo what everyone else has said. No one can put up with this kind of situation successfully. I used to feel like had to be the one who made everything right in my home, with no support system. That's just not logical, no one can do that when you have others fighting against you in an illogical way.

Unfortunately my son follows me around even if I go outside. He screams out to the neighborhood how horrible I am. He has even went and talked to the neighbors. He wants them to know how crazy I am and that I treat him so badly.

My son has done the exact same things. Maybe some of the neighbors believed him. I no longer care, and didn't share with anyone who was not a friend of mine back then so who knows, maybe some neighbors do still think I'm crazy, which I find funny now.

When my son would follow me around I got to the point where I would get in the car and go for a drive. It helped to an extent, to be able to breath, but then I had to come back home to it.

It seems to me the most important thing for you right now is a support system. You have us so you are already on your way. You haven't said if there are drugs involved but the actions from your son are typical of someone on drugs so maybe a therapist who specializes in helping family members of people on drugs would be best. This way they would "get" what you are dealing with instead of giving you suggestions which would seem lame to you. I agree with the others about vitamins, healthy diet and going to someone for medication also. I think what you have would be called situational depression. Something anyone would have in your situation.

Same hugs to you as from everyone else, we are here for you.

 

[Copabanana]

I worried all night about something I wrote.

Let me be clear: I hold as responsible family members and others who act badly, uncaring and without compassion, and worse. I get that we yearn for better and more, just as we deserved and deserve better and more. It's not our fault that others let us down.

But it is my responsibility to catch a clue about those whose MO is to repeatedly scapegoat us or get their power through playing with our emotions. And it is my responsibility to be clear-headed about my own thinking patterns and repetitive and unconscious behaviors that continue to lead me to blame myself and to seek water at dry wells.

That's what I mean.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Copa, don't know why you worried. I understood what you meant.
I use to feel like when it came to my immediate family that I must have done something. I realized now it wasn't me. I bent over backwards for all of them.
I was the youngest of 7 before my mom remarried and had 2 more.
Growing up I was pretty much in the background but I honestly I don't remember much. Bits and pieces will float back in if I think about my younger years.
I really believe I have lost a lot of my past memory when my kids became young adults. Everything was just too much and I surpressed it all.
But the past is the past. Now I am focusing on a future.
Good news for today, the girl I trained is feeling better already. Most likely she is not infected with the virus. She does have strep throat though. Believing her test will come back negative.
My first day at work from home was so hectic. But I am done for the day. YEA!!!!
Hope you had a good day.

Peace and Love

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Overwhelmed I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I echo what everyone else has said. No one can put up with this kind of situation successfully. I used to feel like had to be the one who made everything right in my home, with no support system. That's just not logical, no one can do that when you have others fighting against you in an illogical way.


My son has done the exact same things. Maybe some of the neighbors believed him. I no longer care, and didn't share with anyone who was not a friend of mine back then so who knows, maybe some neighbors do still think I'm crazy, which I find funny now.

When my son would follow me around I got to the point where I would get in the car and go for a drive. It helped to an extent, to be able to breath, but then I had to come back home to it.

It seems to me the most important thing for you right now is a support system. You have us so you are already on your way. You haven't said if there are drugs involved but the actions from your son are typical of someone on drugs so maybe a therapist who specializes in helping family members of people on drugs would be best. This way they would "get" what you are dealing with instead of giving you suggestions which would seem lame to you. I agree with the others about vitamins, healthy diet and going to someone for medication also. I think what you have would be called situational depression. Something anyone would have in your situation.

Same hugs to you as from everyone else, we are here for you.

Deni, my daughter has been an Suboxone for 10 years. I don't know that that drug is good for people but her DR put her on it and now she cannot get off it.
My son isn't drinking like he use to. When he drinks he gets violent with me. I believe he smokes pot but not around me or in my house.
Both have emotional issues though. That think it's me though.
My daughter says I am a narcissist.
I do know I keep bouncing off them like I am in a pinball machine. Makes me tired and anxious.
I am sorry your son has put you through what he has. I know the feeling.
Most of my neighbors know me better and often contact me to see if I am doing OK especially since I have imprisoned myself to my bedroom. They don't see me working on my yard any more.
I hope things have gotten better for you. I'm working towards a better life.
Thanks for taking the time for me. It is appreciated.
Peace and Love

 

[Deni D]

Deni, my daughter has been an Suboxone for 10 years. I don't know that that drug is good for people but her DR put her on it and now she cannot get off it.
My son isn't drinking like he use to. When he drinks he gets violent with me. I believe he smokes pot but not around me or in my house.
Both have emotional issues though. That think it's me though.
My daughter says I am a narcissist.

It sounds like the same thinking as someone who is on drugs to me though. Not that they are, I've noticed a very close similarity with mental illness. I know if I talked to a professional who didn't understand that it's really not a two way street, not arguments but rather being attacked they wouldn't get it. It's been more of a situation where I need to protect myself because it would be very distressful for me. Right now I'm thinking more of your living situation, with your son. The moment by moment with your son in your house seems to be something to address first. But I could be wrong, I don't have this kind of stuff coming at me from all sides like you have. I'm so sorry you have this. I'm still thinking a therapist who deals with family members of someone who's addicted, or mentally ill if you can find one of them. I haven't been able to.

My daughter says I am a narcissist.

Congratulations! Me too! Except you don't act or think like a narcissist or you would not be here. People like that don't take on what we do. They posture for the public. They don't over caretake others to their own detriment. Her calling you a narcissist kind of tells me she has narcissist tendencies ~ merely projection.

I do know I keep bouncing off them like I am in a pinball machine. Makes me tired and anxious.

I remember those incredibly confusing days. The "is it me?", "I should have remained calm", "maybe I should have done.... or said...". "Why do I react like I do to them?", "Why do I get along with everyone else but can't do family right?" It's not you, they are playing you. Maybe not mostly intentionally but it seems to me they know if they can continue to control you they can get what they want from you, not at a thinking level but at a lower visceral level.

I am sorry your son has put you through what he has. I know the feeling.
Most of my neighbors know me better and often contact me to see if I am doing OK especially since I have imprisoned myself to my bedroom. They don't see me working on my yard any more.

Within those neighbors are a couple of gems. Not that you can share much of what's going on in your home with them now but rather they know you are good people and will be there when the time comes, and it will, when you are looking for normal contact just to talk about trivial things with normal people, people to share with, people to laugh with and such. I'm so grateful for my neighbors these days. There are two of them who are not good neighbors, were not before, during or after my son's antics. But I've got a bunch who are great, I just counted ~ 7, and I appreciate them even more the last couple of weeks.

You will get there. I'm not saying everything will be perfect but as you work through this things do get better little by little. You may never have children who will appreciate you, but I'm finding what I thought I needed most is really not what I actually need. I need me more than anything or anyone else. Just words to you right now, I know, It's a process and it waxes and wains as you go on. You deserve so much better than you have right now.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

It sounds like the same thinking as someone who is on drugs to me though. Not that they are, I've noticed a very close similarity with mental illness. I know if I talked to a professional who didn't understand that it's really not a two way street, not arguments but rather being attacked they wouldn't get it. It's been more of a situation where I need to protect myself because it would be very distressful for me. Right now I'm thinking more of your living situation, with your son. The moment by moment with your son in your house seems to be something to address first. But I could be wrong, I don't have this kind of stuff coming at me from all sides like you have. I'm so sorry you have this. I'm still thinking a therapist who deals with family members of someone who's addicted, or mentally ill if you can find one of them. I haven't been able to.


Congratulations! Me too! Except you don't act or think like a narcissist or you would not be here. People like that don't take on what we do. They posture for the public. They don't over caretake others to their own detriment. Her calling you a narcissist kind of tells me she has narcissist tendencies ~ merely projection.

I remember those incredibly confusing days. The "is it me?", "I should have remained calm", "maybe I should have done.... or said...". "Why do I react like I do to them?", "Why do I get along with everyone else but can't do family right?" It's not you, they are playing you. Maybe not mostly intentionally but it seems to me they know if they can continue to control you they can get what they want from you, not at a thinking level but at a lower visceral level.


Within those neighbors are a couple of gems. Not that you can share much of what's going on in your home with them now but rather they know you are good people and will be there when the time comes, and it will, when you are looking for normal contact just to talk about trivial things with normal people, people to share with, people to laugh with and such. I'm so grateful for my neighbors these days. There are two of them who are not good neighbors, were not before, during or after my son's antics. But I've got a bunch who are great, I just counted ~ 7, and I appreciate them even more the last couple of weeks.

You will get there. I'm not saying everything will be perfect but as you work through this things do get better little by little. You may never have children who will appreciate you, but I'm finding what I thought I needed most is really not what I actually need. I need me more than anything or anyone else. Just words to you right now, I know, It's a process and it waxes and wains as you go on. You deserve so much better than you have right now.

Deni, you are spot on. You know me as well or better than me. It's like we have been down much of the same road.
I do believe my son's girlfriend supplies him drugs. She is always going to the doctor for pain killers, Xanax etc. But I don't know that for sure. She works he doesn't.
He is home all day playing games. Forte Nite is his obsession now.
Sometimes I hear him arguing with kids on there. It's aweful sometimes. Loud, many foul words. He does absolutely nothing around the house. I was paying him to do some remodeling for me and nothing is complete. Now I need to get someone else to finish it but can't afford to until I stop paying my daughter's way.
Everything my daughter tells me I am I actually see in her. Controlling, manipulative, liar and uncaring to mention a few. Right now my daughter is trying her best to be nice because her lease is up in June and I have discussed with her that I am not signing a new lease. But she can't help herself and ends up blasting me.
I have 3 weeks of vacation I need to take before July but don't want to be home and can't afford to go anywhere. Having to work at home right now is not easy. It should be awesome not having to drive to work or get up so early but I would rather be in the office.
I like that I have people here late at night when I can't sleep but I fear I am running my issue into the ground and I need to refrain myself from coming here to often.
You all are great and no one is making me feel this way, it's my own insecurities.
Thank you for being here. I hope things get better for you soon and you are not still dealing with this crap when you're my age.
God bless you and have a peaceful content day.

Peace and Love

 

[Beta]

Overwhelmed1, I can't offer any solutions but I've been following your posts. The biggest thing that worries me is this situation with your son and girlfriend. If they could be removed from your home, that would exponentially reduce the stress and anxiety you're having to live with. I sure hope that could happen for you, and soon, especially now that you're having to work from home. PTSD is no joke, and it is something that you could very well develop, if you haven't already. You are living in a traumatizing environment.

 

[AppleCori]

Overwhelmed,

Please know that you are not bothering anyone or posting too much! The reason we have this sight is (among other things) for people in crisis situations to have a place to go!

I am especially worried about your safety, as it seems your adult son intimidates you often and gets violent at least occasionally. You really need to think about calling the police when you feel threatened—no matter what. Your safety and security comes before anything else.

Please post often so that we know that you are okay.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Apple, thank you. Everyone here is the BEST!! I left once before because I felt I was running my story into the ground. You all had me moving in the right direction and I fell off the wagon so to speak. I went far, far south after I left. Coming back was the best thing I did. Won't do that again. I appreciate all of you so much!!!
I took some big steps today and feel strong and I have to admit, proud of myself.

 

[WiseChoices]

Suboxone is used to treat opioid addiction. It's akin to heroin addicts using methadone to get off heroin. It's not a solution as a drug is a drug is a drug. Your son and his girlfriend who use Xanax and possibly other pills are also in active addiction. Your bill paying is enabling their disease. You did not cause this. You cannot cure it. You cannot control it. Your situation will not change unless you change. The only control you have is over yourself: your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Anything your children tell you in terms of being a narcissist or whatever is only a projection of their own selves onto you. Addicts by definition are narcissists. Secondly, addiction is a mental health disease. They are sick. This illness causes cognitive distortions. Thirdly, anyone who uses drugs is not in their right mind, because the drugs imbalance brain chemicals and take over their thinking. All an addict thinks about is where to get the next fix. And they will say and do whatever it takes to get it. One is too many and 1000 is never enough. It is self will run riot. The addiction rules their lives and their brains including abuse of their own Mother.

The way I see it, you cannot take anything that comes out of their mouths seriously. See a neon sign across their foreheads that says "sick". You have to decide whether you are going to allow yourself to continue to be the collateral damage of their addiction.

I don't know what exactly I would do in your situation, but I think I would need to create a living space for myself where I have serenity. I might look for a 1 BR apartment for myself that is really nice , tell my son I am moving and he is not coming with me as the place is too small.

Protect yourself!

 

[Overwhelmed1]

My daughters response when I asked her about trying to use my debit card.
Mom when you were here I asked and you said OK. This happens everytime. I said it wouldnt come out for 2 weeks.. granddaughter was sitting right there. I don't know why you make it your mission to try and make me suffer. You know I have to pay it and i even said i will pay that and if you dont want to send anything fine I will use it for that. You knew too.
I wonder if you realize you treat me exactly the way your mom treats you. What does it matter if you send me 3 or I pay 200 to something I have to have and then you only give 100? I tried to remind you yesterday they called and said they tried to run it but you hung up and never called back.
(I told her I was at work and needing to get on a conference call)
I did you dont listen to me! You said it all hadnt come out and they hadnt run it yet anyway? That's why I called yesterday? Dont blame me.

My response to my daughter.
Things are going to change here at home and there. I'm sorry but all of this is effecting my health.
Like I said before I will pay until the lease is up and then you need to find a place you can go. I have been getting help and my first step is to stop enabling my children. So I am. I was told if I don't do something I'm not going to be around to help anyone. I have to take care if myself.

This response from my daughter is actually very nice compared to most. I am preparing for the more violent text after she has time to realize what is happening.

Next step, telling my son he has until the end of May to be out. I am a little more nervous since he lives with me. But I plan on telling him this weekend. Wish me success.

This will be my Birthday gift to myself!!!

I feel good about my decision but very worried about the grandkids. Please keep them in your prayers.

I know I keep repeating myself but I can't say it enough how much you all mean to me. Thank you for being the awesome people you are.

Peace and Love