Good for you Overwhelmed!My daughters response when I asked her about trying to use my debit card.
You handled that perfectly, no matter what she said. The response of your daughter was 100 percent gaslighting. You don't need to open yourself to that. You don't need to justify yourself or give either ADULT child a rationale, justification or explanation. It's like they say in Al Anon. "No. Is a complete sentence."
This is what I suggest with him. First, keep it simple. All he needs to know (and the best thing for you) is to tell him the bottom line. At the end of the lease in May I'm not renewing. I will be moving out and terminating the lease. I am letting you know now so you have as much notice as possible to find a place.telling my son
You don't need to comment upon your mental health, his behavior, the cumulative stress you've endured, or any other thing. That's your business, not his. No good thing can come about talking about this with him. He is not in a position right now where he can appreciate or take responsibility for what he does to you (and to himself). You are the last thing on his radar except for a target and somebody to extract what he wants.
But more than this, he will seek to use every single thing you say against you and to advance his own interests. By that i mean, to seek advantage, either materially, emotionally, and in terms of dominance and control.
If he begins to insult and attack you (and he will) you need to be prepared. You have told us he's violent to you. There is every reason to anticipate that he will try to scare and target you. For this reason I would think about all of this very seriously in advance. Because if he has threatened you or actually physically hurt you you could very likely get a restraining order for the District Attorney's office, and in this case you would not owe him any notice at all, as far as I know. He would not be able to enter or come near the premises. Immediately. (But I am not an attorney.)
I would think some about how he is likely to respond. And base your plan of attack on what you think is his likely response. The middle ground strategy might be to tell him about the move when you are on neutral ground, with other people around, like strangers in a Starbucks. That way you would see what his response is, not in a situation where you were as vulnerable to him.
However, if he has physically attacked you before (or threatened violence), or there is a pattern of emotional abuse (or all of the above) you might want to contact a Domestic Violence Program before you do anything, and with them plan what to do. One option might be (if these conditions are met) that you leave the house now, and terminate the lease early.
In my state landlords are obligated to show good faith to try to find a tenant, and they can only obligate you to pay rent for the time the place is not rented. They can't just let the clock run out on the lease, and have you hold the bag.
It can be difficult to make these kinds of decisions, about our children, because our default is to be the shock absorber for the situation. To not be the source of their suffering and to not feel as if we are the cause of their suffering. Let alone try with all of our might to control the situation so that they don't suffer, from whatever the source. Even (or especially) at their own hand.
Many of us have had to involve authorities to keep ourselves safe.
The important thing here is to be safe. You are working very hard to create emotional safety for yourself. But before emotional safety comes physical safety. Maybe before you speak to your son it makes sense to make a realistic assessment of his harm potential towards you, and to have your strategy take this into account.
We're proud of you too!! The thing is a central element of domestic violence is seeking to re-assert dominance and control when the victim stands up for herself, and/or seeks to leave the situation.I took some big steps today and feel strong and I have to admit, proud of myself.
You are doing fantastically. Let us together think through how to do this.