At the end of my rope and just lost...

[BusynMember]

I guess I did miss that part. Sorry. Good for you.

I hope you're right and I'm wrong. I have learned to be cynical the hard way and I know that not wanting to work or go to school at his age is not usually just laziness. We have a bad economy here to say the least, but the kids who really wanted to find work did find work. Sure, it's part time...most I know of are graduated seniors going to college in the fall and also high school juniors. They took any jobs they could get. But they found jobs.

You know better than I do if your son is doing more than pot and how much he is smoking pot. I really don't care if they legalize pot or not myself because it is going to happen so why angst over it? I do think that, like alcohol though, pot can be very poison to certain people, like me, and more bad than good will come of it. Legal pot (like spice) is very dangerous and it's legal. But...really, except for smoking pot maybe eight times to see what the big hoopla was about, I had such a bad reaction to it that I never did continue nor did I get involved in other drugs and my big laugh is that I've never been drunk in my life. My only experience with the sneakiness of a serious drug user was when my daughter was one. And I thought she was only smoking pot too...so I worry for you and hope you are right...and that your son will decide that a job is necessary for independence. Of course, I know it would have helped if he had at least gone to a two year school to get some degree. Maybe he will decide to do that one day. We always need to Keep the Faith.

I am so tired now. Hope I made sense...lol. Hugs again for your hurting mommy heart, which I so very well understand.

 

[Lil]

Thank you MWM. School is a very sore subject with me. He put up $9k in debt and put himself in debt $5500 in student loans for nothing...a 10 month vacation. Every time I think of it I get SO angry that I basically refuse to even talk about it.

I woke up this morning to my husband and son having a discussion on legalization. It was way too early to deal with that. My only word on it was that some people can handle it, some can't, and my problem is it makes being bored okay, takes away your ambition when you should be finding something to do with your life.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, that is the problem with both alcohol and pot. Many people can have a few drinks a week and be fine with it. Then there are those who can't stop once they start and who ruin their lives through alcoholism. No secret how many people die from alcohol related issues.

We don't know as much about pot yet. I think it is fine for many people, if not most, to indulge once or twice a week. To me, every day is a bit much for ANYTHING. For some, they seem to need it every day and it does kill of ambition. I met a guy once, when I was in between my two husbands (lol!) and he told me he had been addicted to pot, something I was skeptical about. He told me that, when he had his baby, he quit and it was the hardest thing he ever did and he had to see a therapist for it. His salary leaped from $6,000 year as he did nothing except work at various carnivals to over six times that amount in two years since he got a regular job. Then there was me. I have some mental illness and pot made me so paranoid and frightened and scared that I finally stopped trying to use it like others do. I know it can kick off some latent mental illnesses, like bipolar, derealization/depersonalization (a really scary feeling and illness) and schizophrenia. Does it do that to everyone? No. But that's the devil in all chemicals that make most of us feel good. There are some unsuspecting people who can not use them and there is pressure to use them anyway.

I hope you are having a good night and wish the both of you lots of luck.

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Lil,

Oh I have been where you are and it is very hard. First off your son clearly has a drug problem, given the amount and how often he has stolen from you. You really cant ignore that fact.

We did kick my son out of the house when he was 18. We also had a very simple list of rules that were completely reasonable, and would be true at any home, that he was flagrantly violating. What I realized at the time is what lessons was I teaching him by letting him continue to live in my home, flagrantly violating the rules? He was learning that you can break rules, be totally disrespectful and get away with it!!! Those were not the lessons I wanted him to learn because it is not the way the world works. In society if you behave like that you get arrested and go to jail!!!!

It is very unlikely your son will get clean and get his life together if you continue to let him get away with all of this behavior. And in the process you are treated terribly by him, feel all the angst and tension in your home, and he steals your possessions. That is no way to live.

Now I wish I could say we kicked my son out, he got his life together and he is doing wonderfully. That is not the case. My son did spend some time homeless.... and that is truly awful for a mother. It was probably the worst time for me. However my son learned how to survive on the streets. My son has also been in jail and is at this moment. Although to be honest the justice system has been good for him, although he would not say that. It ended up getting him into drug court, and they are now finding help for him and the onus is off of us. And my son is still alive which says a lot.

Really giving a drug using chlid money is the ultimate in enabling them. I understand the wish to help them, the excuses, all of it. I have done it too. But drugs can kill and enabling them to use does not help them.

Your son may be depressed but really it is hard to tell if he is using drugs. It is hard to tell anything really while they are using. And given the amount of stealing he has done, my guess is he is doing stuff besides pot. Most kids will admit to pot, but there is often more going on.

Take a look at the substance abuse forum if you haven;t already, several of us hang out over there.

TL


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[Lil]

It is very unlikely your son will get clean and get his life together if you continue to let him get away with all of this behavior. And in the process you are treated terribly by him, feel all the angst and tension in your home, and he steals your possessions. That is no way to live.

That would be why he's got a list of rules and if he fails to live by them he's out. It took a couple weeks for him to pull himself together, but he seems to be doing everything we asked now...with the exception of job hunting to suit us. That was what we addressed this week. He's been told if he steals he's out...and probably in jail, because we will call the police. I hope he's smart enough to know we're serious.

Really giving a drug using chlid money is the ultimate in enabling them. I understand the wish to help them, the excuses, all of it. I have done it too. But drugs can kill and enabling them to use does not help them.

Which is why I'm not doing it.

 

[toughlovin]

Good Lil.... I hope your son is more together than mine and does follow the rules and pull things together. My son does have a need to break the rules wherever he goes and this has been true since he was little so your son may be different. I do think it important though that you be really clear with yourself, because it is so hard sometimes to carry through when the time comes.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Echolette]

Lil,

I agree about construction. My SO works in the field and hires difficult children all the time. My difficult child also gets lots of cash doing construction. He will literally stop at a site while he is walking by and ask if they need a laborer. A laborer sweeps up, carries, stands beside the carpenter or plumber and hands them tools, takes down ladders, etc. No skills needed. It is always thte go to for my difficult child who has...no skills! He also gets jobs dishwashing in restaurants, which seems to be easy and has high turnover, so there are jobs available. Even if you live where there are no restaurants there are still professional kitchens...schools, businesses, whatever.

Good luck. I think you are handling a difficult situation very well.

Echo

 

[Lil]

Well tomorrow's job fair drug tests on the spot...so apparently he's been clean enough long enough he thinks he will pass. Of course, there was just a big blow-up at my house. Specifically my husband got angry and left - said he was going to our second job (we make our own hours.) It was so stupid and about nothing! Basically, the kid was talking about something stupid - a movie - and husband tried to say something and the result was the kid laughing and saying "I don't want to hear it" at which point husband exploded. My husband just doesn't get angry - not like "F-you" angry. He's complained that son and I both have a habit of cutting him off and not letting him finish sentences. Anyway.....it's been a long freaking afternoon.

Husband just came in and I guess it's time to settle this.

 

[Lil]

I guess things have settled. Husband came home just as I was explaining to son that he feels hurt and excluded by us at times, because son has a tendency to want to talk to me and not to his dad. He confirmed it. Son apologized and said that he was only joking around. Husband ... well, didn't apologize for overreacting, although I really do think he did. It wasn't a serious conversation. I don't know why this particular time ticked him off so much.

Of course I got stuck at home with sad-sack kid who didn't know why his dad was so mad...went on and on about how he feels like such a disappointment to us...has nothing to do and no money and no friends and this has been so hard on him going from the college town where there was always someone around and something to do and he had a car and he had money (which he really didn't have...but seemed to have a talent with having $ for at least a burger from time to time) to having nothing now and no car (since we won't let him take it until he has a job) and no friends who want to spend time with him and nothing to do. I said, for the thousandth time, that the job will fix that...he'll have money and people to talk to and meet new people, that this isn't permanent and he needs to find a way to make the best of this, find something to do that doesn't take money, take up running, take walks, bake cookies...anything! As usual, he ignored me. I get so tired of repeating myself.

At least he acknowledged that the no-job is his fault. (I have to say...in his defense...I tried really hard today myself to get the Walmart website application and couldn't. It's really weird and it was like, if they don't have an opening you can't do anything. The online apps are just weird.)

At one point just before his dad came home I said, "You know what I want? (Since he'd spent the better part of an hour telling me what he wanted.) I want a quiet, stress-free household!"

Husband is on-line. Kid is sitting in the car. I don't know why exactly, I guess it's "out of the house."

I need a vacation from my home.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know what the deal is with Walmart but we have never had luck with applications there.

Now about the construction. That is the best place for difficult child's. It is full of them. I swear at least half, if not more, of the guys my SO supervises are big difficult child's. Several of them have been bipolar and when they go out of town the first thing he asks before the van even leaves the parking lot is if they brought their medications...lol.

He doesnt have to work on cell phone towers. That was just a very good job my difficult child happened to luck up on and then screwed up. He had it made with that. It was not just a job but a career. He was going all over the country. Idiot.

The stuff my SO does is commercial construction. Drywall and metal studs. But there is also residential. If you look on craigslist under labor...I think they have both skilled and unskilled...you will find jobs there. If nothing else check under skilled and if you see something for construction worker or helpers, call.

 

[Lil]

Thank you Janet. If the job tomorrow doesn't work out, I'll suggest that.

On the up side, things quieted down at my house. The kid is catching up on Doctor Who on Netflix and later we're watching a new TV show, The Strain, together. (Can you tell we're big sci-fi nerds in this house.)