Back for advice!

[sooooo tired]

After 5 years of not seeing my daughter I went to her
Sons birthday party. She acted like she was genuinely glad to see me.
I havent seen or heard from her since. That's been 1 month ago. Do I make a move or wait for her to make one . I would love to have a relationship with my
Grandson but I don't want to feel awkward with my daughter.
I also want an opinion on my son and his dad. They had an argument about 1
Year ago.my son has made
Many attempts to reconcile with him and he won't reply. His dad put pictures of everyone in his life on Facebook for his 70th birthday except him he cried about that.
They have always been very close. Now I thin
k it's his dads wife threatening him because she wants nothing to do with him. It's just so sad that families have to have
All this conflict! Life is too
Short!!

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi there. Welcome to the 21st century family (sigh).

Estrangement is off the charts these days and most of the time the estranged person does not know why it happened....he or she is just ghosted. Thats the way most find out they are being discarded.

Often a grown child is the one who does it. There are tons of Estranged Parent groups on Facebook. Enough to show just how big a problem it is. We are 100% estranged from our daughter so I read a few estranged parents sites.

Unfortunately, as everyone on those sites learns, no matter what we try, as far as methods, to try to reconcile with an unwilling estranged person, it is up to them and our efforts are usually not acknowledged. Parents have banged on their estranged adult childs door and found the police coming by to tell them to leave. Letters sent were never answered. Presents to grandkids were sent back or just not acknowledged. Congratulations for weddings and new babies seen on FB go unacknowledged. There is nothing you or I or anyone can do to change the heart of somebody who would be so cruel. Any breakthroughs are on their terms and often do not last. After estrangement the estranged person walks on eggshells, afraid, and the one who estranged usually is abusive and bossy, threatening to do it again. This is really hard if grandchildren are involved.

You can go to Estranged Parents groups on FB and see what goes on. And, yes, Parents estrange kids in the same cruel way too, breaking hearts. Reasons are usually not known in both cases.

The happiest people who post on Estranged websites are the ones who accept and move on usually with therapy. Some come there having been estranged 10 years or longer and they are still not over grieving, still reading the estranged person's social media (which breaks the heart anew), still buying yearly presents for grandkids they don't know and may never meet in the future. Those who won't let go are still in bad places.

My daughter is a very not nice person who dumped us as soon as we cut off The Bank of Dad and Mom. She had been the benefiary of most of our saved money and was furious when we finally said no more. Our other kids and grands and our own retirement were all neglected.

We literally do not hear from her. Our usefulness is over. However we really are not grieving anymore and she blocked us from her social media which is a blessing. She contacts nobody in the family and claims we aren't really her family because she is adopted. Her one DNA family member, her son, she relinquished her rights to and he now lives with my other, nice daughter.

I blame nobody for her negative deeds but her. She does have a horrible husband but these choices are hers, not his, although he was fine with signing away his parental rights to their son.

I think my point is that we cant force people to love us or be kind, even if they are supposed to do so by societal standards and norms. We can only change our reaction to what they do. We choose whether to let them go or grieve forever.

Our family chose to get help and move on. Nobody can tell you what will work with your daughter or sons father but often the answer is....nothing works. The ball is in their court. Amends letters etc. I have read do not work. Usually we ro not even know what we did wrong! Also...do we want a relationship with a loved ine who would hurt us so much? This is out and out cruelty.

I highly recommend the FB Estranged groups. They have all been there.

Most here are not 100% estranged even if the relationships are sporadic, unkind and only when the adult child wants something from us. On FB....those are total estrangements with lots of advice, even books to read.

I am sure there are estranged groups for kids estranged by parents too. These groups are private. Nobody can see them outside of group members.


My heart goes out to you and your precious son. I hope you find peace and keep posting. If God is part of your life....let go to God works for me really well.

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.




Hugs.

 

[sooooo tired]

Hi there. Welcome to the 21st century family (sigh).

Estrangement is off the charts these days and most of the time the estranged person does not know why it happened....he or she is just ghosted. Thats the way most find out they are being discarded.

Often a grown child is the one who does it. There are tons of Estranged Parent groups on Facebook. Enough to show just how big a problem it is. We are 100% estranged from our daughter so I read a few estranged parents sites.

Unfortunately, as everyone on those sites learns, no matter what we try, as far as methods, to try to reconcile with an unwilling estranged person, it is up to them and our efforts are usually not acknowledged. Parents have banged on their estranged adult childs door and found the police coming by to tell them to leave. Letters sent were never answered. Presents to grandkids were sent back or just not acknowledged. Congratulations for weddings and new babies seen on FB go unacknowledged. There is nothing you or I or anyone can do to change the heart of somebody who would be so cruel. Any breakthroughs are on their terms and often do not last. After estrangement the estranged person walks on eggshells, afraid, and the one who estranged usually is abusive and bossy, threatening to do it again. This is really hard if grandchildren are involved.

You can go to Estranged Parents groups on FB and see what goes on. And, yes, Parents estrange kids in the same cruel way too, breaking hearts. Reasons are usually not known in both cases.

The happiest people who post on Estranged websites are the ones who accept and move on usually with therapy. Some come there having been estranged 10 years or longer and they are still not over grieving, still reading the estranged person's social media (which breaks the heart anew), still buying yearly presents for grandkids they don't know and may never meet in the future. Those who won't let go are still in bad places.

My daughter is a very not nice person who dumped us as soon as we cut off The Bank of Dad and Mom. She had been the benefiary of most of our saved money and was furious when we finally said no more. Our other kids and grands and our own retirement were all neglected.

We literally do not hear from her. Our usefulness is over. However we really are not grieving anymore and she blocked us from her social media which is a blessing. She contacts nobody in the family and claims we aren't really her family because she is adopted. Her one DNA family member, her son, she relinquished her rights to and he now lives with my other, nice daughter.

I blame nobody for her negative deeds but her. She does have a horrible husband but these choices are hers, not his, although he was fine with signing away his parental rights to their son.

I think my point is that we cant force people to love us or be kind, even if they are supposed to do so by societal standards and norms. We can only change our reaction to what they do. We choose whether to let them go or grieve forever.

Our family chose to get help and move on. Nobody can tell you what will work with your daughter or sons father but often the answer is....nothing works. The ball is in their court. Amends letters etc. I have read do not work. Usually we ro not even know what we did wrong! Also...do we want a relationship with a loved ine who would hurt us so much? This is out and out cruelty.

I highly recommend the FB Estranged groups. They have all been there.

Most here are not 100% estranged even if the relationships are sporadic, unkind and only when the adult child wants something from us. On FB....those are total estrangements with lots of advice, even books to read.

I am sure there are estranged groups for kids estranged by parents too. These groups are private. Nobody can see them outside of group members.


My heart goes out to you and your precious son. I hope you find peace and keep posting. If God is part of your life....let go to God works for me really well.

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.




Hugs.

Thank you sooò much.
I do believe In God and I really try to let go and let God. As far as my son goes
He has never been a problem. He's very
Responsible and very loving
He is 35 and has dealt with
Alot. He has crohns disease
But has never kept him down. I know he is hurting and it makes me sad

 

[BusynMember1]

Oh yes. Being shunned is hurtful. And cruel. But sadly we have no control over another person. Has your son been in therapy? I suggest it. Grieving the relationship of somebody who is still alive is different, but it is possible to cope with it and still be happy. He probably feels it is his fault, poor kid.

Blessings.

 

[Copabanana]

I havent seen or heard from her since. That's been 1 month ago. Do I make a move or wait for her to make one . I would love to have a relationship with my
Grandson but I don't want to feel awkward with my daughter.

My two cents are this: If and until you feel that you can handle your daughter and son as a package deal, stay away. If she contacts you first, I would tell her upfront that you would like to make it work this time and work together to do so. Then there may be a chance.

His dad put pictures of everyone in his life on Facebook for his 70th birthday except him he cried about that.

This is downright cruel.

 

[sooooo tired]

My two cents are this: If and until you feel that you can handle your daughter and son as a package deal, stay away. If she contacts you first, I would tell her upfront that you would like to make it work this time and work together to do so. Then there may be a chance.

This is downright cruel.

 

[sooooo tired]

Thank you. You have been there for a few years. I love and respect your advice!
You are awesome!!!

 

[LoveTempered]

Hi. In regard to your son and his dad...I am the child of divorced parents and my dad was often not very nice. HIs behavior definitely hurt. It was worse when my mom used our pain as a proxy for her resentment of him (Not saying you are doing this, just that my mom did.). His second wife, my stepmother would disavow his actions to us but who knows what was really going on. It was a big mess that ultimately had little to do with the kids.

It is painful to have to accept rejection from a parent but we grew up and eventually understood that it was about him and not us. I had a few multi-year gaps in my contact with him because I had to put a boundary around my heart and take breaks from the crazy. That saying about hurt people hurting people is true based on my experience. I have met many of those people and I try not to be one because of this experience with my dad. Not sure if that helps but it is the flip side of the pain. Blessings!