Birthdays and gifts.

[newstart]

Did the boyfriend make the cake and decorate it?

Or did he just put those (wrong) numbers on?

He bought the cake and bought the wrong number candles on purpose. Irritated me. It was not funny.

 

[Littleboylost]

He bought the cake and bought the wrong number candles on purpose. Irritated me. It was not funny.

Unreal ugh!

 

[newstart]

I'm going to address the first thing I quoted above...educated, smart, even capable, sober and well-balanced women make very stupid choices of men at times. I'm their poster child.

Mind you I am NOT talking about Jabberwocky...my wonderful soul-mate of a husband who has put up with me for nearly 18 years now. But my first husband, the biological father of my son, well...he was no catch.

How did I - a lawyer - who was mature, intelligent, and steady by most people's reckoning - marry a lazy bum who didn't work, dropped out of high school, had two children by two other women who he did not see and didn't support, had a criminal record, and was controlling to the point of being stalkerish? Well, I guess the fact is, he did and said all the right things to me. He confessed all his past transgressions, told me he wanted a wife, a family, the Leave It To Beaver life that I wanted too. He wanted someone to grow old with, to share things with. I was rapidly approaching 30, on the rebound from a rather intense relationship, my biological clock was ticking so loud you could hear it in the next room, and I thought no one would ever want to marry me and have babies with me if I didn't settle for him. I decided he had "potential". We married 5 months after we met. I actually considered calling it off - but the invitations had been mailed and I was too proud to admit I'd made a mistake. I told myself it would be okay. I told myself that he would change.

He was a jealous - which I found flattering at first - but which eventually was simply a sign of his emotional abuse. He drank - at the time I did too but I soon realized he couldn't stop. He would keep the car and stay out all night and lie about where he'd been. He denied cheating up to and including the day he moved in with another woman. It wasn't long before I realized all the past sins he'd confessed were true...but there was no ambition to ever change. He simply refused to work and very nearly bankrupted me. We married 1/1/94. Had a baby 4/5/95. Separated six months later. Were divorced 10 months after that.

Now if my parents had been alive and in my life, I would never have married him...but that's because I AM in fact a pretty stable, intelligent person and my parent's would not have approved...I'd have never done anything they would not have approved of while they were alive. If not...if I were bipolar and iffy with my family at times - a Difficult Child...well I might still have ended up married to him and maybe, without a great job and good friends, I wouldn't have gotten out as quickly as I did.

I guess what I'm saying is smart woman make stupid choices in men every day and sometimes their faults are things that can not be lived with and sometimes they are. Maybe she sees something there you don't. Maybe what she's seeing is something that he, socially awkward as he is, doesn't show to others, but only to her. Maybe she's afraid of being alone. Maybe he makes he feel loved and important. Maybe she feels like he's as good as she'll do. Maybe they compliment each other in ways you can't know. Maybe she simply refuses to admit she's made a mistake. Maybe whatever his faults, she just sees the good in him. Even my ex had some good in him.

I'm not going to tell you it's none of your business. She's your daughter and you want the best for her and you don't think that he's the best. But I guess what I'm saying is - SHE'S the one who has to think he's the best...not you. So do your best to ignore him. Do your best to just think about her and if she decides that he's not what she wants - be there for her then. For now, you don't have to like him...you only have to tolerate him.

Lil, I was so sorry to hear that your parents died so young. That must be very hard for you.
My daughter sees the good in her boyfriend and then tells me horrible things about him and it goes off and on. I am there when it is off and she is devestated and then it is back on. Last time she told me she broke up with him I just rolled my eyes and said if it is broke off more than 6 months then I will belive her. She pleaded for me to believe her, I just rolled my eyes again and a week later they were back together. Lil, thank you for telling me your story. It give me a different perspective. I remember when I first got married, my dad and father in law thought it was a marriage made it heaven and my bipolar mother in law thought I was the worst mate in the world. One of the reasons I feel about the boyfriend like I do is because my daughter tells me all the immature stuff that he does. I wish you were around my daughter so you could talk sense into her. Her friends have told her he is bad news. But as I write this out, I realize she is not a piece of cake either and something is really off with him to tolerate her during her manias. I need to look at it as he is really a rare person to deal with her while she is manic and she get mean as ever.
I wish you a wonderful New Year.

 

[BusynMember]

To me he doesn't sound as much rude as very socially clueless. Honestly, this smacks of autism that may have never been diagnosed and treated. Now my son is on the spectrum, but he could do much better than this and has learned to make good eye contact. Lack of eye contact is a big symptom of autism. It takes practice for them to look people on the eyes. I wonder, and I don't mean this in a critical way, if he is also a bit cognitively challenged. Even with autism, he should be very able to put the right age on a cake. Also...

My son is 24 and still likes the character of Sponge Bob. Some teens/adults do though. Pippa Pig is a show for toddlers. My three year old granddaughter likes it. That's how I know who the character is. My grand.

It must be hard to accept his challenges, I am sure, but it is what it is...he must have some sort of rather severe social communication issue and possibly low cognitive ability. I feel sorry for him. Would I want him with one of my daughters? NO! Would I try to get involved? No. I sort of know there's nothing I can do... But I would try not to spend time with him in a discreet way.

Can you see your daughter without seeing him?

Here's a thought. Maybe your daughter likes being more capable than him. It does happen. Maybe she likes caring for him?

This is so frustrating, I am sure, especially after losing your son and wishing, for very understandable reasons, for a son in law you can connect with. You have had a hard time yet you are still standing. Be proud of yourself and good to yourself please.

 

[newstart]

Well my grandmother used to say you don’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear. This fits here for me.

Awkward is one thing but no mindfulness, tact and taste are all over this mess.

Depends would be funny as a gag gift if your were close to someone.

I hope you don’t hear a kid complaining that their Balloons were stolen from their Birthday party and hear of another person exclaiming someone ran off with their 56th Birthday Cake.

It makes you shake your head. I try very hard to limit my expectations to protect my heart but some days are just tougher than others.

New start. I am sending you a warm hug and might I suggest you and your husband have a nice date night just the two of you.

Thanks for the love Littleboylost. I too limit my expectations to protect myself but OMG. My days are tough but I agree, somedays are just harder. My daughter said 'He should of just given dad a $10 gift card to star bucks. I said, why did you not suggest that and she said she did but he had to do what he does. Yes, our date night is coming soon. Husband has been working many hours and he is very tired, on the weekends I just want to be with him but we do volunteer work together on Sundays. Most of my friends cannot relate to my grief, they have no clue. I know they have other stuff but nothing like a wayward child. I believe a wayward child is on the top of the stress list.

 

[newstart]

To me he doesn't sound as much rude as very socially clueless. Honestly, this smacks of autism that may have never been diagnosed and treated. Now my son is on the spectrum, but he could do much better than this and has learned to make good eye contact. Lack of eye contact is a big symptom of autism. It takes practice for them to look people on the eyes. I wonder, and I don't mean this in a critical way, if he is also a bit cognitively challenged. Even with autism, he should be very able to put the right age on a cake. Also...

My son is 24 and still likes the character of Sponge Bob. Some teens/adults do though. Pippa Pig is a show for toddlers. My three year old granddaughter likes it. That's how I know who the character is. My grand.

In general it is hard to accept his challenges, I am sure, but it is what it is...he must have some sort of rather severe social communication issue and possibly low cognitive ability. I feel sorry for him. Would I want him with one of my daughters? NO! Would I try to get involved? No. I sort of know there's nothing I can do... But I would try not to spend time with him in a discreet way.
SWOT, I agree with the cognitively challenged. I think she thinks he is very good looking. I remember 5 years ago he met us at a show. I remember all the women looking over and taking a good look. I think my daughter is very attracted to his looks and I imagine the sex is good. I agree that his behavior is autism/ aspergers spectrum. I asked him about not looking me in the eyes and he said he was very shy. I suspect he has a severe case of ADHD. My daughter said when he got on medication for it he was much better. I wish I could communicate with boyfriends mother but she is cold to me. I told her I lost my son and she said 'yeah, I know'. It was in a tone that hurt me to the core. I went home and cried. yeah I know in the right tone would have not bothered me but it was like yeah, now shut up about it, I don't want to hear about it. Yes Pippa Pig, for toddlers. Crazy. Buying that balloon for a grown man.. How does the boyfriend ever get from point A to B?

 

[Littleboylost]

Thanks for the love Littleboylost. I too limit my expectations to protect myself but OMG. My days are tough but I agree, somedays are just harder. My daughter said 'He should of just given dad a $10 gift card to star bucks. I said, why did you not suggest that and she said she did but he had to do what he does. Yes, our date night is coming soon. Husband has been working many hours and he is very tired, on the weekends I just want to be with him but we do volunteer work together on Sundays. Most of my friends cannot relate to my grief, they have no clue. I know they have other stuff but nothing like a wayward child. I believe a wayward child is on the top of the stress list.

Top of the tops. My husband and I do volunteer work together as well. It is a great feeling to spend that time together.

I so relate to your comment about no one understanding the grief and not relating. I feel in tremendously good company here. It is a balm to my heart on my most difficult days.

 

[AppleCori]

So, he bought the Depends and the wrong numbers for the cake, even though your daughter told him that was not a good idea, and suggested an alternative gift?

 

[susiestar]

Sometimes you just have to accept that you really don't mesh well with someone, even though in theory you would truly love to get along with your daughter's partner/spouse/significant other. You have to accept that she is in the relationship and she seems content, if not happy, in the relationship. It really doesn't matter if you are happy with him. It matters if she is. You don't have to live with him.

This birthday party was offensive. I have a feeling he doesn't want to have you visit as often as you do. He sounds like he doesn't want to have you around. He just doesn't want to say it to you in words. If it was done for me, I would probably be very appreciative to him (to his face). Thanking him for being so sweet and to spend so much money on a gift (depends are not the cheapest brand out there), and what pretty balloons! I would be absolutely impossible for him to insult when I visit.

Why? Because I would not be chased away from my child and grandchild from someone who isn't adult enough to come out and ask me not to visit so often (and because it would drive him nuts and I am just bratty enough to enjoy that!). Why not just appreciate the gesture on the very shallow surface level? It will annoy him greatly to not be able to drive you away. Heck, give him a hug when you next see him. Tell him how glad you are that he is feeling more like part of the family finally. Let him know that the little impromptu party showed you that he really felt like family after all this time. In your mind you can be thinking that after all, who does more nasty underhanded stuff to you than your family?

Focus on your grandchild and your daughter. Don't worry about him. He will or he won't be strange on the periphery of all of this. That is his problem. You don't have to live with him. You cannot get rid of him. Your daughter has chosen him and seems happy with him. As long as she is at least reasonably content with him, focus on your relationship with him and just keep him on the edges. Include him at holidays, of course, with a small gift or whatever you usually do that takes little of your energy. Gift cards are great for people like him. No fuss, easy to wrap, and it always fits.

As for if he likes you or not, that isn't your problem. It is your daughter's. Stop worrying about it. Don't be rude or mean to him, but other than that, you cannot do anything about it. You cannot control how he feels, and you never will be able to do so. Just quietly persist in not letting him drive you away with nonsense like this birthday party.

 

[newstart]

So, he bought the Depends and the wrong numbers for the cake, even though your daughter told him that was not a good idea, and suggested an alternative gift?

Hi AppleCori, Yes he went ahead and did what he did even though my daughter did not think it was that good of an idea. I have never heard of a grown man buying another grown man a baby's balloon. Something odd about that..

 

[newstart]

Sometimes you just have to accept that you really don't mesh well with someone, even though in theory you would truly love to get along with your daughter's partner/spouse/significant other. You have to accept that she is in the relationship and she seems content, if not happy, in the relationship. It really doesn't matter if you are happy with him. It matters if she is. You don't have to live with him.

This birthday party was offensive. I have a feeling he doesn't want to have you visit as often as you do. He sounds like he doesn't want to have you around. He just doesn't want to say it to you in words. If it was done for me, I would probably be very appreciative to him (to his face). Thanking him for being so sweet and to spend so much money on a gift (depends are not the cheapest brand out there), and what pretty balloons! I would be absolutely impossible for him to insult when I visit.

Why? Because I would not be chased away from my child and grandchild from someone who isn't adult enough to come out and ask me not to visit so often (and because it would drive him nuts and I am just bratty enough to enjoy that!). Why not just appreciate the gesture on the very shallow surface level? It will annoy him greatly to not be able to drive you away. Heck, give him a hug when you next see him. Tell him how glad you are that he is feeling more like part of the family finally. Let him know that the little impromptu party showed you that he really felt like family after all this time. In your mind you can be thinking that after all, who does more nasty underhanded stuff to you than your family?

Focus on your grandchild and your daughter. Don't worry about him. He will or he won't be strange on the periphery of all of this. That is his problem. You don't have to live with him. You cannot get rid of him. Your daughter has chosen him and seems happy with him. As long as she is at least reasonably content with him, focus on your relationship with him and just keep him on the edges. Include him at holidays, of course, with a small gift or whatever you usually do that takes little of your energy. Gift cards are great for people like him. No fuss, easy to wrap, and it always fits.

As for if he likes you or not, that isn't your problem. It is your daughter's. Stop worrying about it. Don't be rude or mean to him, but other than that, you cannot do anything about it. You cannot control how he feels, and you never will be able to do so. Just quietly persist in not letting him drive you away with nonsense like this birthday party.[/QUOTE

Hi Susie, YES, the party was offensive. I know my daughter has picked him and I can avoid him. I do not have a grandchild, my daughter and her boyfriend had a miscarriage last April. It was a sad time but a blessing too. The baby would have been raised in a mess with two ill people. Each month I am concerned about her getting PG again. She was a major drama queen while PG and stressed out so bad she lost the baby.
I can usually spiritually feel a baby when it comes into our family. Before my last niece was born I was buying baby clothes for a girl, I just knew a baby girl was coming to our family, I did not know my brother and his wife were going to have a baby, they did not tell anyone but I felt that little one coming.
I had nothing but an ill feeling in my stomach about my daughter's baby. I want nothing more than to be a grandmother but not from that mess. Of course I would have loved the baby no matter what but I feel we dodged a bullet.
Boyfriend is so uncomfortable when we are around, it is like his skin in crawling and he can't breathe and he walks around non stop because us just being there gives him anxiety. It actually hurts me to think I am that uncomfortable for him. My friends tell me that I can make anyone feel comfortable. I have friends of all ages, colors and sizes and I actually like the more odd off beat people. My husband has a very conservative job so we are around very conservative people sometimes and it drains me, so I do like the more laid back and light people. Bottom line, there are just some chemistry that does not work. Just like my dog Sam, he would meet dogs and play and have a great time and then come across another dog and growl and fight. I believe us humans are like that too, we pick up different chemistry from others and through that chemistry we can sense if they plan to hurt us on this life journey.

Lately when I talk about my daughter's boyfriend I get a very sad image of him in my head. I do feel sorry for him. I think he is still in love with his ex girlfriend. I think he loves my daughter but not with his entire heart like the ex. I noticed he makes many comments on his ex's facebook. I am not friends on FB with either one but a person can find lots of information on there. I saw where the ex remarried and I am sure it broke his heart. I am positive my daughter is very hard to live with. She grieved me to the point I passed out while living here at the house. She is sloppy and mean. She is very entitled to everything, the world owes her a living. I told my husband the other day that out of the both of them, I think he is the better person. I think feeling sorry for him will help me with my grief about him.

My grandmother was engaged to a man that died in the war. She later married my grandfather. I always felt the love she had for the first man, it was written all over her face. She never got over it and eventually left my grandfather in the early 50s. I saw the sadness on her face and the longing to be with her true love. She never said a word to me about it, I just deeply felt it and knew.
I feel the same way about my daughter' boyfriend. I think he is still deeply in love with his ex.
My new way of treating him will be with compassion. He will sense the change and hopefully we can talk and get on the same page. My daughter does not want us to have any communication because then all her lies will unravel. The chemistry between my husband and our daughter's boyfriend is awful..My husband does not have a poker face so how he feels comes straight out.

Good idea Susy, your post had me thinking, I will appreciate the small gesture of the obnoxious birthday celebration. It is always best to look at the bright side of things.