HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
This last couple of weeks, I've alternated between thinking of our troubled son more than usual to forgetting he exists at all. That's not usual for me. Usually it's one or the other. So, just observing this is rather "fascinating" (thinking about Leonard Nimoy, too). I'm aware of why I'm doing both (which isn't always the case).
I'm remembering our son because his 25th b-day is in March. All holidays, of any sort, were usually WWIII in prep (the day of was good, usually, because there were often presents involved -- though not in 2014 or 2015, so far). But he's my son...........so his birthday is firmly stamped in my mind.
I'm forgetting him because we haven't seen him in 4+ months and rarely talk. I hardly recognize him (in photos on Facebook). He seems more like a sad passerby. I have mixed feelings about that. No argument between us and he will write a single sentence to me (on FB) saying, "I love you, too". That's the only sentence (and I appreciate that, don't get me wrong).
But I heard from one of his old friends yesterday.....and it wasn't pleasant. She wasn't happy. Not much more to say there.
So, I'm in a BIG PICTURE frame of mind right now -- seeing with my Soul's Eye (and I value that, so figured I'd write this down before it slipped away!).
When we adopted our son at age 6, my husband and I made a verbal pact to 2 things:
1) If someone had to "go", it would be our son -- we would not let it break up our marriage. Our son left at age 16 (it was a mutual "leaving" choice).
2) Whatever happened in his adulthood, we'd look back and say, "At least we gave him a childhood." And we did.
Here we are in adulthood and both of these things have come to fruition. My husband and I are still together (as solid as ever) and we sometimes acknowledge, out loud, "At least we gave him a childhood."
His adulthood is filled with battles of mental health, drugs, crime and homelessness.
But his childhood was filled with fun, experience and love. Don't get me wrong, it was HARD (you all know what I mean). Our fun vacations were filled with his tantrums. Crazy looking back on it now....
-- In NYC, he had a major tantrum on top of the Empire State Bldg......um.....yeah.....not easy. Security!
-- In FL, he began shoving me in the Rhino Rally line at Busch Gardens...... Security!
-- In CA, he ran off into the Redwoods at dusk leading us on a lengthy chase.......No Security... sigh...
-- In Canada, he had a meltdown about I don't know what in our hotel.....Security!
-- In CA, he had a MAJOR meltdown on airplane on tarmac (refused to get off plane), then MAJOR meltdown (had to barricade myself in women's bathroom from him), then more MAJOR meltdown at rental car counter (Security called at that point), then led Security on a chase through San Jose airport and parking lot.
Funny, looking at that now I can see all of those are between the ages of 10-12 or so). Those are just a few of the meltdowns. I think you all know how those are. We opted to quit taking him places after age 14 or so because it was just too hard and police were a regular part of our lives as it was. And by age 16 he was gone..........during a major meltdown. And that was that.
But, see........AT LEAST WE GAVE HIM A CHILDHOOD. And at least MY HUSBAND AND I ARE STILL TOGETHER.
A friend who's a social worker contacted me yesterday and asked.... "If you could speak to your younger self, just starting out as a fresh parent (or foster parent) of a troubled child, what would you tell yourself?"
Honestly? I wouldn't change much. We loved (and still love) the best we know how. I suppose I'd keep my words to our son shorter, clearer, more concise, less rash (at times). But I'd also tell myself, "Hey, be easier on yourself. This is a HARD bucking bronco to ride and everyone gets thrown at this rodeo." We parents are on a learning curve, too, and we ride this ride the best we can.....then AND now.
When he entered rehab last Sept all sorts of people said, "Don't get your hopes up, you'll just feel hurt later!" Then he was clean in Oct and it was, quite possibly, our BEST MONTH EVER with him. And here we are in Feb/March.....drugs and crime back in full bloom.
How do I feel now that I celebrated that CLEAN OCTOBER? I feel fantastic! Yes, I wish it had stuck longer. Yes, I hope some day it does stick longer. No, I honestly can't say I expect it to stick longer. Yes, I hope I'm wrong about that.
But........
See, that's what makes it all the more sacred to me that we had that ONE GOOD MONTH. The beautiful moments are few and far between, but my Soul's Eye realizes the preciousness of that time and reminds me to cherish it. No matter what he's done (and he's done much), I love him. And I CHOOSE to keep loving him (with big ol' boundaries and distance as needed). But love co-exists with boundaries. Love is sometimes better with boundaries.
Even now, when we're somewhat "estranged".... Even now, when we're not respecting him very much.... Even now, when his life is a disaster.... I CHOOSE to love (with boundaries) and I CHOOSE to be "out-loud thankful" for the beautiful times we have had -- probably even moreso because they are so infrequent.
I posted a photo of my son and me skiing/snowboarding on Facebook a couple of days ago -- a photo of a FUN day from 1998 (he was 8). We did have moments of fun in there, sprinkled sparsely in the mix of maelstrom. But, as I posted it, I realized we had so few days like that. Many of them were skiing/snowboarding. But we haven't skied together since 2006 (he was in rehab and earned a day out -- so we took him and his friend (our 2nd son, in some ways) snowboarding. What a fun day! When he quit drugs and ate and beefed up, his strength was such that he just kicked my butt that day and I LOVED IT! He kept laughing and saying, "Wanna race, Mom? Haaaaa!" It was a HUGE pleasure to see him thrive and laugh.
So, yes, all those bad things happened. But I few good things happened, too. AND I AM THANKFUL. I don't kid myself and expect that to be the norm. But when the Universe drops one into my lap unexpectedly, I will enjoy it thoroughly and say "THANK YOU!"
I'm rambling now. But I appreciate the opportunity to put this into writing. We haven't skied/snowboarded together since that day. Maybe we will again some day. Maybe not. My offer remains on the table to him to do it again........if he's clean and reasonable.
Lastly, I'm reminded of that day we skied/snowboarded in Canada and he had the hotel meltdown (age 12 or 13? I dunno, the meltdowns mostly blur together there were so many). Anyway, all of our group (there were 7 of us altogether) left to get dinner. I wasn't hungry and wanted some quiet after the meltdown. I sat down on the floor (still in my ski gear - boots off) and leaned back against the hotel couch. The Sound of Music came on TV..........Ah! Something wholesome without drugs and crime (ok, there were Nazi's, but you get the gist!). Something wholesome! To my surprise, our son came back without the others because he wanted to be with me. I was leery. But what did he do? He sat his 12 yo self down (still in his snowboarding gear -- boots off) right next to me on the floor. Sidled up to me and put his head on my right shoulder. He said, "What're you watching?" I said, "The Sound of Music -- something nice." He then said (without looking at me), "We sure do fight big sometimes, don't we?" I said, "Yep....but we love BIG, too."
We looked at each other for just a second, then went back to snuggling and watching TV. And we stayed like that, sitting straight up leaning against the couch in our snow gear -- long enough to fall asleep sitting up. We didn't move or wake up 'til everyone else returned some time later.
So, yes, there are many more times with police calls than softness. But, because of those fleeting moments of softness, I am all the more grateful for them.
Even now. Even in his absence. Even in his chaos.
My Soul's Eye reminds me of gratitude and seizing the moments (because they are few).
Reminds me of that Jim Croce song, "Photographs and Memories"........ Feels a little like that today. Not in a bad way, in a Soul's Eye kind of way. I know I don't always see things this clearly and it may hurt at times down the road (as it has in the past).
But, for today, I choose gratitude for the moments. "Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thank you all so much for listening to my ramblings. This forum is a beautiful place to shine Light into dark places. Thank you all for sharing your Light with me!
Now, off to brunch with friends and then playing with the grandkids today! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
WOW......... Pardon the length of this....... I have not had time to be brief! (paraphrasing Pascal here)
I'm remembering our son because his 25th b-day is in March. All holidays, of any sort, were usually WWIII in prep (the day of was good, usually, because there were often presents involved -- though not in 2014 or 2015, so far). But he's my son...........so his birthday is firmly stamped in my mind.
I'm forgetting him because we haven't seen him in 4+ months and rarely talk. I hardly recognize him (in photos on Facebook). He seems more like a sad passerby. I have mixed feelings about that. No argument between us and he will write a single sentence to me (on FB) saying, "I love you, too". That's the only sentence (and I appreciate that, don't get me wrong).
But I heard from one of his old friends yesterday.....and it wasn't pleasant. She wasn't happy. Not much more to say there.
So, I'm in a BIG PICTURE frame of mind right now -- seeing with my Soul's Eye (and I value that, so figured I'd write this down before it slipped away!).
When we adopted our son at age 6, my husband and I made a verbal pact to 2 things:
1) If someone had to "go", it would be our son -- we would not let it break up our marriage. Our son left at age 16 (it was a mutual "leaving" choice).
2) Whatever happened in his adulthood, we'd look back and say, "At least we gave him a childhood." And we did.
Here we are in adulthood and both of these things have come to fruition. My husband and I are still together (as solid as ever) and we sometimes acknowledge, out loud, "At least we gave him a childhood."
His adulthood is filled with battles of mental health, drugs, crime and homelessness.
But his childhood was filled with fun, experience and love. Don't get me wrong, it was HARD (you all know what I mean). Our fun vacations were filled with his tantrums. Crazy looking back on it now....
-- In NYC, he had a major tantrum on top of the Empire State Bldg......um.....yeah.....not easy. Security!
-- In FL, he began shoving me in the Rhino Rally line at Busch Gardens...... Security!
-- In CA, he ran off into the Redwoods at dusk leading us on a lengthy chase.......No Security... sigh...
-- In Canada, he had a meltdown about I don't know what in our hotel.....Security!
-- In CA, he had a MAJOR meltdown on airplane on tarmac (refused to get off plane), then MAJOR meltdown (had to barricade myself in women's bathroom from him), then more MAJOR meltdown at rental car counter (Security called at that point), then led Security on a chase through San Jose airport and parking lot.
Funny, looking at that now I can see all of those are between the ages of 10-12 or so). Those are just a few of the meltdowns. I think you all know how those are. We opted to quit taking him places after age 14 or so because it was just too hard and police were a regular part of our lives as it was. And by age 16 he was gone..........during a major meltdown. And that was that.
But, see........AT LEAST WE GAVE HIM A CHILDHOOD. And at least MY HUSBAND AND I ARE STILL TOGETHER.
A friend who's a social worker contacted me yesterday and asked.... "If you could speak to your younger self, just starting out as a fresh parent (or foster parent) of a troubled child, what would you tell yourself?"
Honestly? I wouldn't change much. We loved (and still love) the best we know how. I suppose I'd keep my words to our son shorter, clearer, more concise, less rash (at times). But I'd also tell myself, "Hey, be easier on yourself. This is a HARD bucking bronco to ride and everyone gets thrown at this rodeo." We parents are on a learning curve, too, and we ride this ride the best we can.....then AND now.
When he entered rehab last Sept all sorts of people said, "Don't get your hopes up, you'll just feel hurt later!" Then he was clean in Oct and it was, quite possibly, our BEST MONTH EVER with him. And here we are in Feb/March.....drugs and crime back in full bloom.
How do I feel now that I celebrated that CLEAN OCTOBER? I feel fantastic! Yes, I wish it had stuck longer. Yes, I hope some day it does stick longer. No, I honestly can't say I expect it to stick longer. Yes, I hope I'm wrong about that.
But........
See, that's what makes it all the more sacred to me that we had that ONE GOOD MONTH. The beautiful moments are few and far between, but my Soul's Eye realizes the preciousness of that time and reminds me to cherish it. No matter what he's done (and he's done much), I love him. And I CHOOSE to keep loving him (with big ol' boundaries and distance as needed). But love co-exists with boundaries. Love is sometimes better with boundaries.
Even now, when we're somewhat "estranged".... Even now, when we're not respecting him very much.... Even now, when his life is a disaster.... I CHOOSE to love (with boundaries) and I CHOOSE to be "out-loud thankful" for the beautiful times we have had -- probably even moreso because they are so infrequent.
I posted a photo of my son and me skiing/snowboarding on Facebook a couple of days ago -- a photo of a FUN day from 1998 (he was 8). We did have moments of fun in there, sprinkled sparsely in the mix of maelstrom. But, as I posted it, I realized we had so few days like that. Many of them were skiing/snowboarding. But we haven't skied together since 2006 (he was in rehab and earned a day out -- so we took him and his friend (our 2nd son, in some ways) snowboarding. What a fun day! When he quit drugs and ate and beefed up, his strength was such that he just kicked my butt that day and I LOVED IT! He kept laughing and saying, "Wanna race, Mom? Haaaaa!" It was a HUGE pleasure to see him thrive and laugh.
So, yes, all those bad things happened. But I few good things happened, too. AND I AM THANKFUL. I don't kid myself and expect that to be the norm. But when the Universe drops one into my lap unexpectedly, I will enjoy it thoroughly and say "THANK YOU!"
I'm rambling now. But I appreciate the opportunity to put this into writing. We haven't skied/snowboarded together since that day. Maybe we will again some day. Maybe not. My offer remains on the table to him to do it again........if he's clean and reasonable.
Lastly, I'm reminded of that day we skied/snowboarded in Canada and he had the hotel meltdown (age 12 or 13? I dunno, the meltdowns mostly blur together there were so many). Anyway, all of our group (there were 7 of us altogether) left to get dinner. I wasn't hungry and wanted some quiet after the meltdown. I sat down on the floor (still in my ski gear - boots off) and leaned back against the hotel couch. The Sound of Music came on TV..........Ah! Something wholesome without drugs and crime (ok, there were Nazi's, but you get the gist!). Something wholesome! To my surprise, our son came back without the others because he wanted to be with me. I was leery. But what did he do? He sat his 12 yo self down (still in his snowboarding gear -- boots off) right next to me on the floor. Sidled up to me and put his head on my right shoulder. He said, "What're you watching?" I said, "The Sound of Music -- something nice." He then said (without looking at me), "We sure do fight big sometimes, don't we?" I said, "Yep....but we love BIG, too."
We looked at each other for just a second, then went back to snuggling and watching TV. And we stayed like that, sitting straight up leaning against the couch in our snow gear -- long enough to fall asleep sitting up. We didn't move or wake up 'til everyone else returned some time later.So, yes, there are many more times with police calls than softness. But, because of those fleeting moments of softness, I am all the more grateful for them.
Even now. Even in his absence. Even in his chaos.
My Soul's Eye reminds me of gratitude and seizing the moments (because they are few).
Reminds me of that Jim Croce song, "Photographs and Memories"........ Feels a little like that today. Not in a bad way, in a Soul's Eye kind of way. I know I don't always see things this clearly and it may hurt at times down the road (as it has in the past).
But, for today, I choose gratitude for the moments. "Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thank you all so much for listening to my ramblings. This forum is a beautiful place to shine Light into dark places. Thank you all for sharing your Light with me!
Now, off to brunch with friends and then playing with the grandkids today!
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!WOW......... Pardon the length of this....... I have not had time to be brief! (paraphrasing Pascal here)
