blaming myself

[bluebell]

Yesterday after work I was paying some bills and noticed some charges my son(A) put on his cell phone. I was in a chat to try to cancel some subscription he had signed up for, and the lady was just not getting it so I was frustrated. husband walks in and sees me frustrated and immediately calls my son. husband was agitated, yes, but apparently A was even more so. They got in a yelling match and husband insisted he come over. I was mad at husband for that so we fought while A was making his way. I told him he needs to read some books on detachment, I was serious as a heart attack but husband took it like I was being a condescending smart a**.

SO A gets sin the house and he is shark-eyed hopping mad- apparently coming off of benzos - and goes into the house and starts threatening my daughter's new boyfriend who was also over. Apparently there was some video on social media that was not tasteful. husband saw it but I didn't. He said it was him spanking her (I know - that's a separate subject and we are handling). It was so bizarre - they have NO relationship whatsoever and he's never gave a crap about her EVER. She's been in the hospital, sick as a dog, her last boyfriend was extremely controlling and did a number on her mentally, etc etc - nothing from him. She hates his lifestyle. About 2 months ago, he slept with one of her friends and then dropped her off the next morning for her to take home. I could go on and on. Well, daughter and boyfriend leave and A stays behind and husband tries so hard to talk to him but he's not having it. A finally got worn out from the ranting and defending, like a balloon deflated. Asked husband for some razors and food and left. (My daughter came back and that video was dealt with.)

My takeaway is this though - if I hadn't been upset about the stupid phone bill, then husband never would have called him and this wouldn't have happened. I guess I always blame myself because I want to control the situation and keep the drama from happening. I'm never in the drama, I'm just on the sidelines wringing my hands and trying desperately to think about my next baking project, I can't get a word in edgewise and frankly I don't want to talk to either my husband or A when they are like that. I may have to get a divorce. I don't know. I'm rambling, I have more to say but I hope someone reads this so I'll stop!

 

[pasajes4]

Your going to make yourself sick trying to control every situation. How is your son still accessing accounts or any kind of money?

 

[Echolette]

I love this post...wait...you can control your husband, your son, your daughter, and your daughter's boyfriend??? Can you come over to control the people in my house too??? I say this with fond recognition and all kindness. Of course you got upset about the bill. It is not at all your fault your husband escalated. It is not your fault your son came over, or screwed you with the accounts. You can't control their behavior. You can only control your own. Your being upset is not the genesis of all the crazy in the house. If you don't like acting upset that way, work on that. The rest is not your business. In fact, if you can refocus on not freaking out over the accounts (as apparently you feel you did), then you can also learn to not freak out over the toxic interactions of OTHER PEOPLE in your house.

I know you know this. I am just holding your hand while you ground yourself again.

Echolette

 

[bluebell]

He still has a cell phone on our account. It's mainly so I can locate him and contact him, we just kicked him out over a month ago. He pays for his portion. I was trying to talk to husband about cutting him off when he called him. It's just some more drama I'm trying to avoid.... And yes, I am sick today. I have fibro and I always wake up from these nights in a horrible amount of pain. That motivates me to avoid the drama as well..

 

[Lil]

Dear you are completely entitled to be upset about stuff. That does not mean that you, by being upset, cause anyone else to do anything.

Did you FORCE your husband call your son to come to the house that he's been kicked out of, so that HE could yell at him in person about stuff that you're upset about? No. Did you ASK him to do that? No. Did you even WANT him to do that? No.

So how could it possibly be your fault?

You are not your husband. How he handles your emotions is on HIM.

 

[RN0441]

Bluebell

I've been in the middle of drama with my husband and our son too.

It's so heartbreaking and it made me a crazy, screaming person I did not know or want to be.

Please take time to take care of YOU. As everyone said, you cannot control ANY of this. It hurts so bad I know that.

Sometimes I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown dealing with all of it. Sometimes I wanted to drive into a brick wall. It sounded easier.

I see a therapist and have started walking a few miles at lunch (even in the cold) and doing other things to make MYSELF feel better.

Your son is out of your home. That is a great start. Keep working on detaching and healthy boundaries. He is an adult now.

 

[MrMike]

I agree whole-heartedly with Lil and others here. You're story I think is right at the heart of the detachment thing. You are only responsible for your actions. The other people in this story acted on their own and not because of anything you did. They are responsible for their own actions.

My advice (even though I have trouble following it sometimes ) is to mentally carve out the type of environment you need to live in to be happy (being treated kindly and fairly, etc.) and insist that others in your house live that way or they are not welcome there. You have to establish your boundaries, otherwise you will be like an army fort with no walls or sentries, open to attack, vulnerable and insecure.

I guess what I am trying to learn is that I have the responsibility of defining my living space, and if I don't do that it is on me. But, if I can do that, what a great thing that is. I can decide how I will allow others to treat me. What a glorious thing really. I know I must do this, and I pray that you can do it also. This is nothing new, of course, the caretakers of this website have been saying this for years, and that's how I learned it. I pray that you and I can really take this message to heart and successfully put it into practice. Just my two cents .....

 

[bluebell]

Thanks so much all of you! I feel like my life has plunged into some sort of dysfunctional reality show and I'm the producer and have to answer for all the criticisms and low rankings My husband says the right things about detachment but he does another. I think we kicked him out for different reasons. I was tired of all the phone calls, drugs, guns and his associates at my house when I was at work and otherwise. I was tired of the out all night and sleeping on my couch all day. I think husband really thinks this is going to work, that A will hit rock bottom and this is a method of getting him there and then we can swoop in and help. I'm so sick and tired that I don't even care about that anymore, I just need peace in my life and the house that I pay so dearly for. I want my daughter to have the space and time to do her homeschooling, get a job and start driving independently. I'm not thinking about A anymore, I'm thinking about myself. A has had so many opportunities to turn things around but has squandered them all. MrMike, what you say about defining your living space is what I'm trying to do. You guys are great and have helped me get thru the morning!

 

[MrMike]

Bluebell, this is what this website is for. People like you and me who have people in their lives that cause them pain and suffering, and we need the support and advice of others (and love) to learn how to cope with it, but not just cope with it, but to be victorious over it. Glad we can help ! and honestly, thanks to God and blessings for the wonderful people who started and take care of this site. You know who you are

 

[wisernow]

Bluebell...I can so relate to what you are going through. I drove myself crazy trying to control the drama in our household...so crazy in fact I had to walk away from all of it to save myself. and did. and have finally found peace. Yes my actions blew apart the family but I think the drama in the years leading up to my leaving had already done that. Funny though how the puzzle pieces rearranged themselves....son is doing better. the relationship with his father is theirs to own and I am no longer part of their triangle. Be kind and good to yourself and refuse to get sucked into the vortex. Many hugs to you!!!

 

[bluebell]

He just sent me a text asking if I was home. My daughter has said that she will leave if he comes over and I need her to stay and do her school and no more drama. I can't really blame her for feeling this way. That video was raunchy but A shouldn't have threatened her boyfriend. There's other ways of going about expressing concern, if that's what he was trying to do.
I called him and he said he was going to come over if I was home. I asked what he needed. He said a razor, I told him dad gave you one last night? (not to mention they sell them at walmart) He said 'ok' and hung up. He sounded different than last night, I would say remorseful but more likely just worn out. This sucks and hurts. But like I was telling my daughter last night, we shouldn't be letting him come over and kick the dog. Because he feels relief after he's done it, and that's like a reward. And we can't reward bad behavior. Right?

 

[Tanya M]

I guess I always blame myself because I want to control the situation and keep the drama from happening.

Bluebell, the only thing YOU can control is how you respond to all of this. It's kind of like a car crash, you see it coming but there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Don't be hard on yourself. When things get like this you might just have to get up and walk away.

we just kicked him out over a month ago

I like to change the wording on this. You did not kick him out, you liberated him to live his own life.

I'm so glad you were able to vent to us. Surrounding you with lots of positive energy. Hang in there.

 

[wisernow]

right....its actually abusive behavior on his part. Stay strong!

 

[RN0441]

Remember when we "help" them we're actually keeping the bad behavior going.

They have to FEEL the consequences of their bad choices. My son likes benzos too. I know that high and it sucks.

I am ready a true crime book about a guy that was on Klonopin binge and killed his own mother. Yes he was mixing it with weed and alcohol and not sure what else but my son did that. THAT IS SCARY. He had mental illness too and he had been in prison before but again mixed the drugs, alcohol with his "mental illness" and that is what happened.

Maybe that's an extreme situation that I'm relating to but that helps me with boundaries and detachment.

 

[bluebell]

So, in light of recent events and my daughter being completely pissed off I have a specific question for you all. I don't want A coming over here when I'm at work anymore. He's been doing so and my daughter has been letting him in but she says she will refuse. I would like to tell him that he is not allowed to show up without calling or when a parent is not home. I would also like to tell him he's completely screwed up his relationship with his sister and if he wants this to change he's going to have to work on it. She will never go to him, not until he's gotten his 'crap' together as she says. I'm not sure he is in the place to hear that last part though. I suppose I should just leave it at not coming over without permission for now?

 

[BusynMember]

I put it this way. He knew the house rules and decided not tp follow them so it was his decision.

 

[bluebell]

RN,
My son is violent so I understand that fear. I have it very deeply and finding a gun in the house is what prompted me to 'kick him out'. husband is fearless and doesn't. I had to threaten to leave myself before husband would go along. It was just a small gesture of plopping a suitcase on the bed and he got the picture, but still....

 

[mof]

I would draw the main boundary line, no coming over unless an adult is home, you must call first.

Hes not going to hear anything else.

One step at a time.

 

[AppleCori]

Keep the "blame" on yourself by telling your son that YOU don't want him there when you are not home.

Leave your daughter out of it, especially since your son has anger issues. You don't need to give him a reason to get angry at her.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks, y'all are right. Kept me from doing something stupid...