blaming myself
- Thread starter bluebell
- Start date
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I would not let him come over period.
If he wants to "see" you meet him someplace. I would be a NERVOUS WRECK if my son could plop in at any time call or no call.
He is 1400 miles away thank you very much!
If he wants to do benzos go ahead. You ain't doing it around me!! He is straightening out. We are helping him financially but as little as possible and only as long he works and takes a class.
I have PTSD from him. When he calls I run to the bathroom. OK too much information but I'm trying to deal with all that's happened over the past five years.
If he wants to "see" you meet him someplace. I would be a NERVOUS WRECK if my son could plop in at any time call or no call.
He is 1400 miles away thank you very much!
If he wants to do benzos go ahead. You ain't doing it around me!! He is straightening out. We are helping him financially but as little as possible and only as long he works and takes a class.
I have PTSD from him. When he calls I run to the bathroom. OK too much information but I'm trying to deal with all that's happened over the past five years.
Echolette
Well-Known Member
I am going to weigh in a little on detaching, if I may...and take everything I say with a grain of salt, remembering that we are all very different, have different issues and timelines, but also remembering that I have been where you are...
If you don't want him to come over you don't need to ask him any questions....no opening the door to justifications or exceptions. You can just say "I don't want you to come over today" or even "you can't come over today" or, least aggressive, "today is not a good day to come over. Lets talk about this tomorrow (or Sunday, or whenever is good FOR YOU). He'll say "WHAT???? Are you saying I can't come over????" and you can repeat "today is not a good day. I want to talk about this in person on Sunday." and he'll say "are you saying I can't come over till Sunday?" and you say "I want to talk about this in person." Keep to the facts...YOUR facts. You don't want him to come over. You will need to tell him the new rules (no coming over if you aren't home, no coming over unannoucned, only come over on a schedule (sundays at 2 for example) no bringing friends of any kind, etc. But you don't need to have that conversation when HE wants to , right now, by text or by phone..you can set the time and stage. Your house. Your life. Your daughter. Your rights.
I fully support this. We were in the same position. He should not be coming to the house when you are not there.
This one I would leave alone. Honestly, he probably knows this. If he doesn't know, your telling him won't help. He isn't in a place to hear it, and it will distract from the main conversation..he will start in with.."I can fix things with her if you would just let me come over ..." Save this detail for a later date if ever. Leave her out...think of it as protecting her. You don't want it to turn into him calling and texting her and blaming her for his being shut out.
Totally agree. I would also move towards more major boundaries..only come over x time/week. No friends. Only stay for an hour. Or, to frame it more positively, "you are welcome to come over for a pancake breakfast every Saturday at 9. Other than that, we'll have to keep our contact to phone calls and texting."
Good luck. If you aren't ready for these steps, don't do them. But know that they are possible, and they are entirely within your rights, and those of your daughter.
Echo
If you don't want him to come over you don't need to ask him any questions....no opening the door to justifications or exceptions. You can just say "I don't want you to come over today" or even "you can't come over today" or, least aggressive, "today is not a good day to come over. Lets talk about this tomorrow (or Sunday, or whenever is good FOR YOU). He'll say "WHAT???? Are you saying I can't come over????" and you can repeat "today is not a good day. I want to talk about this in person on Sunday." and he'll say "are you saying I can't come over till Sunday?" and you say "I want to talk about this in person." Keep to the facts...YOUR facts. You don't want him to come over. You will need to tell him the new rules (no coming over if you aren't home, no coming over unannoucned, only come over on a schedule (sundays at 2 for example) no bringing friends of any kind, etc. But you don't need to have that conversation when HE wants to , right now, by text or by phone..you can set the time and stage. Your house. Your life. Your daughter. Your rights.
I fully support this. We were in the same position. He should not be coming to the house when you are not there.
This one I would leave alone. Honestly, he probably knows this. If he doesn't know, your telling him won't help. He isn't in a place to hear it, and it will distract from the main conversation..he will start in with.."I can fix things with her if you would just let me come over ..." Save this detail for a later date if ever. Leave her out...think of it as protecting her. You don't want it to turn into him calling and texting her and blaming her for his being shut out.
Totally agree. I would also move towards more major boundaries..only come over x time/week. No friends. Only stay for an hour. Or, to frame it more positively, "you are welcome to come over for a pancake breakfast every Saturday at 9. Other than that, we'll have to keep our contact to phone calls and texting."
Good luck. If you aren't ready for these steps, don't do them. But know that they are possible, and they are entirely within your rights, and those of your daughter.
Echo
bluebell
Well-Known Member
Echo,
How is it possible you can quote my son so accurately
It's like you know him or something. I think I'm going with RN's advice and to just meet him somewhere if he needs something. Of course this won't last forever but it's what we need right now. And you are so right, I so badly want my kids to have a relationship (or at least not hate each other), but my involvement at this stage will only make it worse. He would, as you say, blow up her phone. He so loves blowing up phones... Thank you all again for this clarity. This morning has been a blessing.
How is it possible you can quote my son so accurately
It's like you know him or something. I think I'm going with RN's advice and to just meet him somewhere if he needs something. Of course this won't last forever but it's what we need right now. And you are so right, I so badly want my kids to have a relationship (or at least not hate each other), but my involvement at this stage will only make it worse. He would, as you say, blow up her phone. He so loves blowing up phones... Thank you all again for this clarity. This morning has been a blessing.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Depends on HOW he was spanking her and whether she was enjoying it. Spanking is actually a harmless "kink" that some couples enjoy. Yes. Enjoy!
As long as both parties consent to the act, and no damage is done. Stay out of it. It's none of your business.
wisernow
wisernow
I too came to this realization after many years of banging my head against a brick wall when I couldn't fix things for my son.....am I that arrogant that I think my way should be his way? Instead of controlling I had to learn to come from a space of humbleness...to recognize another life spirit going on his journey the way he needs to and without my judgment. Letting go of that control and guilt I felt was so very very liberating and actually helped us begin to forge a new but different type of relationship. It is still hard and I have to be so careful that I don't jump in as the rescue helicopter anymore but it was only then that things began to change .
Catmom
Member
Hi Bluebell! If you remember, we had our sons leave the same weekend. I am fortunate that my son's phone "disappeared" and I discontinued the service. He never kept a phone for long and I got tired of replacing them. He now can only contact me by using a friend's phone and what a relief right now, as I believe the manipulation would be attempted constantly and I would have to block him then...I know my kids are not close and live barely talking to each other. Hopefully, they can work on it when things change, but there has been too much drama in the family for the past few years. I totally relate to your original post as I always felt like I couldn't express anger myself bc everyone would jump on the bandwagon and WWIII would break out. In the meantime, when my youngest was home for spring break last week, I have exact instructions that my other son was not allowed in the house unless I was home. I recommended he can even ignore the doorbell bc unless you live in my house, you have to let me know b4 coming over! Don't feel bad, make sure your "sanctuary" is protected when you are not there. Sad part is, this question would not even come up if we trusted our kids! Listen to your gut. Thinking of you, stay strong.
bluebell
Well-Known Member
Thanks everyone! This is so tough when your SO is not on the same page. There was some more drama this weekend, I think he is having paranoid delusions that cops/people are after him but I don't know. It's not paranoia if people are really out to get you, is it? Said he was leaving town and got kicked out of where he was staying, but he went back there last night (located him). I don't know what is true anymore. husband did tell him not to come back. I know it was hard on husband to say that, but he is just not in the same place as I am. Like you say catmom, he's been able to express every emotion that has come across, while I on the other hand, have to be some stepford wife who just smiles and says 'yes, dear'. Sick of it!
Catmom, I hope your son had a nice, peaceful spring break at home!
Catmom, I hope your son had a nice, peaceful spring break at home!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Does he use meth? That can cause paranoia.
So sorry
So sorry
Echolette
Well-Known Member
On a lighter note, I enjoyed the story about your daughter's inappropriate social media posts. I also had a wild and experiential daughter. I thought she was a nightmare until I started dealing with my son. Now, having raised 4 teenagers, I miss the wonderful experimentation of that age, and even kind of enjoy the cat and mouse game that goes with parenting teens. I just rolled my eyes about the spanking. And, as North said...good for her if she is taking ownership of and enjoying her sex life!
bluebell
Well-Known Member
He may use meth, I really don't know. I hope it's drug induced paranoia and not schizophrenia or something, but who knows since he won't get clean and get help?
Funny, echo, I feel the same way. I have the most interesting conversations with my daughter, even if they are precipitated by her doing some of the most asinine things. She does learn her lesson and never repeats the same mistake twice and it is a joy to parent her. I have a problem with my daughter putting that on social media, I think it should be personal, I mean geez, she is trying to get a job. But, just between us, I have seen it now. It's just this silly GIF thing where he spanks her and she puts her hand over her mouth in Betty Boop fashion. I really wish that my daughter wasn't sexual, but she's not promiscuous and boy, could she be if she wanted to be (extremely attractive). I think my son is so inexperienced sexually (just had like 2 one night stands - and both ended in pregnancy he says! - I don't know) that he just doesn't understand what could be ok and what is not. He's kind of a prude I think. Strange but true....
Funny, echo, I feel the same way. I have the most interesting conversations with my daughter, even if they are precipitated by her doing some of the most asinine things. She does learn her lesson and never repeats the same mistake twice and it is a joy to parent her. I have a problem with my daughter putting that on social media, I think it should be personal, I mean geez, she is trying to get a job. But, just between us, I have seen it now. It's just this silly GIF thing where he spanks her and she puts her hand over her mouth in Betty Boop fashion. I really wish that my daughter wasn't sexual, but she's not promiscuous and boy, could she be if she wanted to be (extremely attractive). I think my son is so inexperienced sexually (just had like 2 one night stands - and both ended in pregnancy he says! - I don't know) that he just doesn't understand what could be ok and what is not. He's kind of a prude I think. Strange but true....
