Unless you have truly been in the situation of another, with personal experience in dealing with an adult addict who is your offspring...
unless you have been thru watching your offspring go to prison, and have seen the hopelessness, the futility, the lack of services...you cannot possibly know what to advise.
Many here have seen their children go to prison since they were juveniles, they have tried in and out patient rehabs, they have made them face consequences, they have shut them out and turned them off in an effort to maintain peace. They have gone to prison to visit their son or daughter who has been abused by other inmates, tortured by some CO's (not all), they have seen their child starve in prison, sit in cells 23 hrs a day, in stacked animal tiers like on TV, mixed all together, no matter the crime. some have seen and heard of their son (like MINE) who was berated while in prison for wearing a Christian medal...made to stay 2 days on a metal shelf in a "hot room"-wherein the floor is heated and you have no choice but to lay down til you are sore and stiff. Put in there by a guard (CO) who supports the Aryan nation, until a kind CO (correctional officer) noticed him and let him out. In many prisons gangs rule the prisons...again..not all but MOST. even as we are here, the California prisons are all on lockdown because of a gang stabbing of three COs ( who survived). Our young adults do not need that and neither do the correctional officers, but my own son saw a man die in front of him last month. yes, I read it in the newspaper after my son had called upset that he had seen this. the parents of those in CA prisons are highly disturbed that now their sons and daughters will be locked down in cells with no visits no calls and more worry for at least this weekend.
some have had their kids stabbed in prison, beaten unconscious, raped, robbed, and going half nuts waiting for some "court ordered drug and alcohol program" to start...months of waiting because there are busloads of men delivered each day to prisons...all the prisons in the country are overloaded with men and women.
prison is not the answer for substance abuse situations. It can help protect the population in cases of dangerous prisoners, and those who would harm others without conscience.
there are men and women in prison getting life with out parole sentences, at young ages, to rot in there- for nonviolent crimes. yes they can get jobs that pay pennies per hour to go towards your fines, they get institutionalized, they go into animal survival mode. You want some stories from other moms and dads?? I can direct you there. Some have very mentally ill kids who get much worse while in prison.
BUT for young people who have trouble rebounding from substance abuse, or who have mental health issues prison is not the answer-it makes them worse.
~~~SO I have told Stands myself that I would not bail Tony out again, fearing I would lose my bail money, but if she and her husband can afford it and want to make this effort for their son the least anyone here can say:
GO with my blessings, God speed!
It may not be what you would decide, but after cautioning her about possible bad outcomes, she deserves some support...AND if her choice fails she will need some hugs and will have learned something from it. She knows dang well he may and problem will relapse, but she and her husband have chosen this path. AND when he and if he does go back to jail or prison...he will still be her son. there comes a time when you cant rescue them if you try...they get sent to prison... some for life...and there is no way on earth you can enable there. still, mothers and fathers do what they can to support and love their kids even in that worst case scenario. they send letters, photos, they visit and they continue to be a parent. you can divorce a spouse but a good parent knows they are in this being a parent for life. you just adapt your parenting.
I have spent the last 6 months learning about prison from those who truly know what can happen there. My son has been blessed and protected by God even thru his hardest time. There are nice kind COs but he has been in 3 prisons in 6 months and 4 county jails in his life...all with gangs, all not enough food, all with long empty hours and few with programs that are open or make a difference.
I do not have the answer as to what works for substance abuse...other than when the addict or alcoholic is ready to change they will. If you have the answer to what truly works, be a pro and share it with those of us still learning to detach with love from their substance abuse and alcoholism. you could make a fortune by sharing that knowledge.
Unless you are a psychologist, a professional, a rehab specialist, or you have had to face this very same situation, with grown children going to prison-perhaps for the umpteenth time...knowing the first several times did not help.. perhaps biting your tongue ~would ~be the correct response.
"Parent emeritus" ??? I think not.
Emeritus is an adjective that is used in the title of a retired professor, bishop or other professional. The term is used when a person of importance in a given profession retires, so that his or her former rank can still be used in his or her title.
I do not agree with using the word Parent along with Emeritus.
A true parent never retires, and is never a professional but always learning til the day we die.
C'mon ladies!!! Let's look at the positive side here: difficult child is NOT coming home. difficult child will go to Long-Term Treatment program. Stands is NOT providing the transportation.
