Bonding out - scary

Well I am sorry to report that i think he is up to his old tricks. I know many will say I told you so. So I understand but now I need support to get through this. He is still at the place, I think, but has said he was going to leave because he just cant do that program. He says it is a mission and they talk about God all the time. He says could we give him a chance to find another place that means he walks the streets because we said he couldnt come home! Well we said no - he could go back to jail and that we should have left him there anyway - he has already been to the emergency room and gotten antibiotic for his tooth and something for his nerves because he had a panic attack! They wont let any narcotics in that place. It is actually a stepping stone to the other long term place that he said he probably couldnt do - he would rather be somewhere secular - my husband said to make it work - right now he just needs to want to do good but he doesnt actually like the place where he is - he already knew about it through the ministry man - but you never know - now what is my role? I am living in some kind of fear it seems - I feel there is a knot in my stomach and I feel it is some of our fault because we thought it just might be ready - I know my husband wanted to think it because he NEVER does anything like that - the first night he was there he said he liked it and he thought he could work the program the next night was all down hill - I dont know if he is still there or not
 
F

flutterbee

Guest
Susan, it's not your fault. He insisted he was ready and as his mother you were hoping and praying that he was ready.

Your role now? To let him deal with the consequences of his choices. To not let him manipulate you into another 'bail me out of my circumstance - I changed my mind'. To realize that no matter how much you want something for him, he has to want it for himself.
 
Oh, Susan. No "I told you so". Just I am sorry, and here is a big hug.

OK, the hug is over. Now, do nothing. You can't do anything. Let the cards fall where they may. Think it through:

In order for him to have been ready to accept and work that program, he needed to to have hit his bottom.

He obviously was not at his bottom.

You guys bailing him out of jail and putting him somewhere that made him uncomfortable did not bring him to his bottom.

If you save him, he still will not hi bottom.


Let him fall on his face. He has GOT to be responsible for what he did. Go to AlAnon and see if anyone there tells you any different.

Did you see a doctor yet about changing your medications?
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Oh Susan, I'm so sorry to hear this.
It's so hard. You want so much to believe in them, that this time they are ready to change. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

I do agree with BBK. You've got to let your son figure this out entirely on his own.

Sending gentle hugs, and prayers for strength. Please make sure that you take care of you in whatever way you need to. Get in to see your therapist, get whatever medication adjustments you need in order to cope and take care of you, go to AlAnon, go to church, go to wherever will make you feel strong and supported.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

Trinity
 

meowbunny

New Member
Hon, I am so sorry for your mommy heart. You did what you thought was right for him and for you. You did what every mother does -- try to save her child from him/herself. That is all any of us can ever do. Another one sending nothing but hugs your way.

The others are right. As hard as it is, as painful as it is, as frightening as it is, sometimes the best thing we can do for our children is let them find their botom.

At this point, the best you can do is tell him he needs to work this out on his own and maybe even reinforce it with something to the effect to contact you when he has been completely clean (prescription and non-prescription) for at least a certain period of time but not before.

We're here for you. To hold you as you cry. To hug you when you hurt. We'll even try to stop when we think you're making a wrong decision. What we won't do is condemn you if that decision doesn't work out. Instead, we'll understand you did what was right for you and comfort you as best we can.

((((((((((SUSAN))))))))))
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Susan,

I am so sorry. I know you hoped maybe husband and difficult child and the ministry man were correct.

What to do now?

Make sure you got your medications adjusted and refilled.

Make sure you have appointments with your counsellor scheduled.

Make sure you have a number ON YOU to call the therapist and psychiatrist if you have a panic attack.

GO TO AL ANON EVERY DAY. At least until you feel strong enough to let difficult child finally hit bottom.

Sending hugs and prayers,

Susie
 
THANKS!! I will go to Alanon and take my medications!!! I have strong support with you guys and my friends. I appreciate it but I just want to beat my head against a wall! It seems I know better. My husband was the one, not his fault though, that headed this up and he is much stronger to tell our difficult child that when and if you leave you are own your own - I will revoke your bond and you will go back to jail. It seems all the fuss - I really dont need - I would just have soon l et him sit in jail and it would have been easier on me emotionally but I really dont know what the judge would have done with him - nor do I know now if he bails!
We cant make our children want to live - or live the way we want them to - I have to realize that his way of wanting to live is not the way I want him too!
Because I love him I dont want anything toh appen to him. Did anyone watch Oprah the other day? That man that wrote the book Beautiful Boy and his son were on there. It is nice to see someone that actually survived. Ya'll keep praying for me and husband and difficult child and easy child son! I dont want to live in fear of him showing up at my door. That is weird - to live in fear of your own son.
 

judi

Active Member
Susan - I'm so sorry for the chaos your son has brought. I so agree that you ask for support here, sift thru what you get, use what you can and leave the rest. All I can say is that until you have your child behind bars or in a hospital, you can't possibly know the turmoil it creates.

Ant's Mom - (Nice to see you by the way) is very smart and wise in these matters (unfortunately). Her son as well as many others' children on this board seem to need to learn the hard way.

It doesn't meant that we support our kids or approve of their lifestyle. It means that we continue to love them even though they flounder.
 

scent of cedar

New Member
He is still at the place, I think, but has said he was going to leave because he just cant do that program.

he has already been to the emergency room and gotten antibiotic for his tooth and something for his nerves because he had a panic attack!

my husband said to make it work

now what is my role?

the first night he was there he said he liked it and he thought he could work the program the next night was all down hill

Stands, it helps me to remember that addiction is a horrible and destructive thing ~ and that my son is caught in it. Like your son, whose intentions were good, who tried to work the program (even one night is trying), my son slides back into drug use. Not like "Oh, boy! I think I'll really enjoy myself and use some drugs!", but with desperate rationalizations that enable the first uses and then, allow the addiction to win.

Your son is trapped in that horror as surely as mine is.

I see my role as the person who will tell my son addiction is a terrible thing, or drugs are powerful, or he was raised better, or that however tough it seems now, he is going to have to go through it to get to the other side. Sometimes, we don't hear from our son for a very long time. Sometimes, we hear from him enough that we hope that this time, he will make it.

Sometimes, we hear from him when he is using, again.

We are learning not to judge him for that.

Whatever our son's choices, we see our roles as parents who love their child but who will never help him to destroy himself.

For you, and for your son now, your truth is that whether your son works this program or ends up back in prison, the addiction is going to have to be dealt with. It isn't going to be easy or pleasant. Unless he does beat it though, the addiction will dominate his life, and he will lose everything that mattered to him once.

If he cannot break free of the addiction, the addiction will be the only thing he has left.

You will be surprised how easy it is to speak this truth to your son, once you have determined that it IS true.

And true it is.

It is your son's addiction that has taken over and destroyed his life. Until there is a cure for it, those who have fallen into that trap will have to beat it on their own.

Or they will lose their lives to the addiction.

They may not actually lose their lives, but they will surely live a marginalized life, a life on the outskirts, instead of the full celebration their lives might have been.

Nothing you did caused this, Stands.

Nothing you do now can cure it.

Your son needs to understand, like mine needs to understand, that not only will I never again help him destroy himself in the service of his addiction, but that I love him too much to watch him destroy himself. If your son accepted treatment for a panic attack, I think your role would be to tell him there will be many such attacks before he beats this addiction. I would tell him too though, that there will come a time, once he stands up to the addiction, when the panic attacks will become easier to live through.

But it is going to get worse before it gets better.

That is the nature of addiction.

Parents like us, like husband and I, and like you and your husband, need to be crystal clear with ourselves about how to parent our addicted children.

And I don't care what anyone says about how we should just be able to turn away once they turn eighteen or twenty-four or thirty-two.

Persons who say such things have no concept of what it is to be the parent of an addicted child.

You and your husband are on the right path, Stands. husband and I try to understand our own feelings by acknowledging that we suffer.

We suffer, because someone we love is addicted to drugs and is slowly, certainly, unavoidably, losing his life.

We suffer, because so much of who our son was is already lost to us.

But I think you will find too Stands that once you acknowledge your pain, you can function through it. You can choose correct responses, you can learn to forgive yourselves for not having the answers your son so desperately needs.

You can love your son because he is so worth loving, whether he is addicted to drugs or whether he is able to beat the addiction.

Those are the understandings that have helped us navigate through this hellishness, Stands.

It isn't going to be easy for you and your husband.

But your son, like mine, is worth loving without remorse.

We just have to be honest with ourselves about how we will respond to the addict's cries for help.

Assisting in any way with a lifestyle which includes drug use is wrong, and will never help our sons to beat their addictions.

You are coming clearer with each challenge you face and meet, Stands.

I think you and your husband will do fine, and I hope with all my heart that both our sons are able to find their ways back home.

Barbara
 
Oh Barbara - I am scared to death. I read your post and cried. It is all true. My son took Ultram , a substitute for Loritab, at the mission where he is. They almost kicked him out. He was taking 5 - 10 per day. He asked them if they were going to call the police or tell us. I just dont know what to do. I know some other places maybe he needs to go there. I just pray and pray but I dont know anymore. This is a mission which is a stepping stone to the rehab, Christian, long term 6 months to a year. It has no AA or NA meetings just work, church, food, bed, etc. I wish I could find insite to this situation.
 
OK, wait, this is not a rehab? I thought it was. Yikes.

Again, Susan, hard as it is, let him deal with his consequences. He has GOT to face them or he will never learn.

Like Barbara said, love him, pray for him, but let him do his thing, even if he falls.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
love him, pray for him, but let him do his thing, even if he falls.

Susan,
sending hugs and strength and saying prayers for you as you face this new situation.

The only way you can help your son now is to step back. WAY back. And let him stand or fall based on his actions. To do otherwise is to help him continue to do drugs, to help him continue to destroy himself.

It's hard. So very hard. But it needs to be.

{{{hugs}}} Susan, for your hurting mommy heart.
Do the things YOU need to do to heal yourself. Let your son figure out the rest.

Trinity
 

PonyGirl

Warrior Parent
Beautiful words, Barbara. I know they helped Susan. They helped me this morning, too.

((((((SUSAN))))) So sorry for your pain. Do something nice for yourself today. Have a candy bar, or a nice long bath, or play your favorite song. Be good to yourself. I am thinking of you.

Peace
 
Thanks you guys. Tears stream down my face most days. It was the stepping stone to the rehab - l ong term. Now he cant smoke cigarettes there so he decided to leave - he said he needs to go back to his doctor and get Xanax. I told him Xanax was not good for him nor any narcotics. I have said it over and over. I keep thinking he is not listening. he is at the Salvation Army - no drug program - just homeless shelter. he has to get a job - he said he was going to ride a bus back to Greenville. Why does it have to be so hard? why cant we just figure he can come home - but I am scared to death to let him do that - please pray - I dont even know what to pray for? For his safety - maybe we should revoke his bond - my husband told him he would if he left and I believe he is planning on it - or should we just let him flounder and possibly get into more trouble or even death - I know I just need to let it go - please give me the encouragement to do it - if you think it is right. thanks
 
You guys are so wonderful. You understand and that is so much what I need. Thanks - I just dont know what to do or I wish I did. tonight I hope I sleep. I may not - sometimes i just wonder at my age - not old but not young! - my career doesnt ever come before my children but i have done a lot - I just trust God and that is all I have now -
 

scent of cedar

New Member
You will learn how to respond, Susan. Like everything we do, learning how to respond to your son correctly will take time.

It's okay to make ten thousand mistakes, it's okay to feel overwhelmed and confused ~ or, angry and frustrated.

It helps us, when our son puts us on the spot, to find that place of calm inside first and then, try to make a conscious decision about how to respond. Things like "I can't give you an answer right now ~but if you insist, then the answer is no." Or, "It is not good for you to come home again because, no matter how hard you tried, you began using drugs again the last time you lived at home with us." Or, "Before anything can get better for you, you need to beat the addiction." Or, "I remember you as you were ~ strong, bright, attractive, funny, sure of yourself ~ the addiction has taken so much from you. I love you, and I see so clearly all that you were meant to be, all that the addiction has taken from you."

Or, "This is your time to beat this thing, this addiction that has its claws so deep into you ~do it now, while you are still young enough to make a life for yourself."

Or, "When you choose drugs, you choose against the family."


************

So, that is how we talk to our son, unless he throws us a curve ball.

And when he does (and he does!) I come here, and you all help me figure out how to see my way clear to standing up again.

I'm so sorry, Stands.

I don't think there is another way to do this.

Maybe, the key thing for you to remember is that your son WILL use again, if and when he should ever come home.

His use at this center is a prime example of that.

You have nothing to be guilty for, Susan.

Unless your son is able to beat this, now, when he has help, the addiction will win.

If you can understand that, you will know what to say and how to behave.

There is no happy ending (or, there are very few happy endings) when the issue is addiction.

Your son is the only one strong enough to beat his addiction.

Anything we do to help, helps our sons to stay addicted. It's not fair that it should be that way, that is just how it is.

Helping is not helping.

I'm sorry, so sorry any of us finds herself in this position, Stands ~ but we have to keep our eyes focused on the outcome we want to see for our sons.

What we want is for them to be able to respect themselves, again.

We need to be crystal clear about what we expect, and we need to call them on it every time they try to slip some rationalization about why they used again past us.

Choosing drugs is a choice against the family.

Our sons need to understand that no one is going to wave a magic wand and make the addiction go away.

They need to understand that when they make the choice to use (and that is what both our boys are doing, whichever way they justify it), then we, the mothers, will accept the choice they have made ~ with all that choice entails.

Choosing drugs is a choice against the family.

Wish him well, pray for him, light candles for him (I do, for my son). Take what comfort you can where you can find it and get yourself and your family through this in one piece. When your son is ready to come back, the family will be where he finds the will to recreate his life.

As husband and I see it, our task is to strengthen those family ties where we can.

The choice to use drugs is a choice against the family.

Our sons are not the only victims here ~ siblings and parents and grandparents are being hurt.

Addiction is a terrible, unforgiving thing.

You and I have to do the best we know to hold faith with our sons. We need to remember for them that they can beat this any time they want to, that they can recreate themselves and their lives as an act of will.

We need to discourage the addiction, we need to name it and condemn it as the thing which has destroyed our children.

And we need, more than anything, not to condemn our children for what is happening to them.

They ARE trying.

Addiction is a terrible thing.

Choosing drugs is a choice against the family.

These simple phrases help me to see my way, sometimes.

Barbara
 

scent of cedar

New Member
I dont even know what to pray for? For his safety - maybe we should revoke his bond - my husband told him he would if he left and I believe he is planning on it - or should we just let him flounder and possibly get into more trouble or even death

Others of us will have different takes on this, Stands. The way I see it, your son has made his choice.

Drug use is a choice against the family.

I would not revoke his bond ~ but that is just me.

There have been more times than not Stands, long nights when husband and I have had to steel ourselves for that phone call we dread.

That call has never come for us ~ not yet.

And so, there is still hope.

You need to reach inside yourself, Susan. The strength is there.

Until you receive that final phone call, there is hope. Nothing your son chooses to do can change your assessment of the problem or your response to it.

If you have your son home, he will use without restraint. This will destroy your family.

Your son cannot come home.

There is no comfort for the parents of an addicted child.

There is only hope.

And you need to be strong enough to give that hope to your family, so they can pull the pieces of their lives back together, whatever happens to this son, this brother or grandson, who is trapped in addiction.

There is no answer, Susan.

If you are not sleeping, you will need to deal with that. You must sleep, or your family will suffer.

Fran said it best, in one of her posts. Something about the mother being the spindle around which the family coalesces, the person from whom the family takes their identities, the person who teaches them how to accept the unacceptable, who requires that they remember to love the one who is missing.

It is the mother who sets the emotional tone for her family.

(I added some of that stuff. Fran has the gift of an elegant simplicity, while I am so wordy sometimes that the concept is lost!)

If it helps you, make a list. Head it: Things I CAN Do

Arrange it from the simplest needs to the more complex. (Do you remember Maslow's Hierarchy?)

Then, one small step at a time, begin putting yourself, and your family, back on the path toward health.

You are strong enough, Susan.

No one else can help make sense of all this for your family like you can.

Love your son, love your family, keep going.

We are all still right here for you, when you need us.

You cannot make your son's choices for him. Once he has made his choice, you have to switch gears.

Now, it is all about survival.

Survival for you, and for your family.

Barbara
 
Barbara you are terrific and a wonderful writer. Your words always go to my heart. I think you understand what i feel. thanks for your insight to my feelings. I am hoping to remain strong. I turned my phone off tonight. I have to sleep. thanks
 
Top