borderline personality disorder

[southrngirrrl]

hello everyone, somehow out of desperation i googled "how to disengage from daughter with borderline personality disorder" and i was directed to this website. after reading many helpful comments i knew i needed to sign up, so i did..now i cannot find that thread! i would appreciate any help, my daughter is 36 & i'm almost 60.. she's literally killing me emotionally/mentally or i should say i have allowed her to all of her life & i'm just unable to go on. i need real help on how to just really let go & disengage, i now know i can't argue or state my my feeling, hurt etc. to her! i love her with all my heart, however my youngest daughter is profoundly autistic & she is just overwhelming & heart breaking for very different reasons (she is innocent). i cry everyday now at the prospect of disengaging with my older daughter, she will be livid, cruel & filled with rage! however, i know i have to do this if i'm gonna ever have a chance at getting mentally well. my youngest needs me! thank you for any help suggestions! oh, the deal is that i'm going up north to be with my youngest daughter for her birthday next month & i have chosen not to tell my oldest daughter (she lives only 10 miles) from her younger sister, yet has nothing to do with her at all..this is her recent behaviour since last september when i flew up there along with my son who flew from texas so we could have a family reunion. i bought 4 tickest to see rod stewart for all of us including her partner & stayed at her new house. mind you this was all at her begging & invitation. i was more than elated & happy to be with all 3 of my children at the same time! as soon as we got there & i mean immediately she turned on me. would not allow her younger sister at her house ( used her dog as an excuse), so my son & i had to get a hotel room last minute for 2 nights so we could spend time with her. my oldest daughter made it very clear that my presence in her home was unwanted. she treated me very poorly & cruel..as always i didn't see it coming, it just broke my heart! she wanted to have complete control & changed all of the plans to her liking..anyway the whole trip was ruined & i've cried everyday since..now i just want to go up & spend time with my autistic daughter..no more hurt/drama/bullying/cruelty..i know she'll find out eventually, hope not until i leave. but she will just crucify me when she finds out that i came & didn't let her know..please help me with how to deal or not deal with the fall out! thank you so very much for letting just say all of this & get out there!

 

[BusynMember]

Have you ever read "Walking On Eggshells" about how to handle someone with aborderline family member? Good book. I think the author is Randi krieger. Its in all stores and Amazon and could apply to any adult who explodes, abuses us or can be cruel.

Detaching is hard and, yes, especially a borderline will be cruel, but you arent young enough to deal with her anymore. Obviously she needs help but most borderlines wont do it or even admit it. in my opinion she shouldnt be around other daughter. Not fair to her. I have a son on the spectrum.

Boundaries are the only way to spare yourself and she will definitely scream when you tell her. in my opinion its best to stop textng, hang up the phone or leave when they abuse us. I did that with my sometimes abusive son. It worked becsuse he wanted to talk talk and at the first shrill note of his voice i say,"When you are ready to be respectful we will talk." I wont answer the phone for the rest of the day if its him. Or read his texts. I am 63. I dont put up with disrespect anymore.

I think he is a narcicist. He certainly lacks the empathy that my.other kids have. But he doesnt think anything is wrong with him and wont even try to get help. So i love him but he either respects me or we dont speak. I used to feel guilty about it. Nowi feel like its the right thing to do. His siblings cant stand him and he has abused them too. I dont try to force it.

I hope you find something that works for you. Keep posting! And remember...you can stop her abuse by flat out refusong to listen to or read it.

 

[southrngirrrl]

Have you ever read "Walking On Eggshells" about how to handle someone with aborderline family member? Good book. I think the author is Randi krieger. Its in all stores and Amazon and could apply to any adult who explodes, abuses us or can be cruel.

Detaching is hard and, yes, especially a borderline will be cruel, but you arent young enough to deal with her anymore. Obviously she needs help but most borderlines wont do it or even admit it. in my opinion she shouldnt be around other daughter. Not fair to her. I have a son pn the spectrum.

Boundaries are the only way to spare yourself and she will definitely scream when you tell her. in my opinion its best to stop textng, hang up the phone or leave when they abuse us. I did that with my sometimes abusive son. It worked becsuse he wanted to talk talk and at the first shrill note of his voice i say,"When you are ready to be respectful we will talk." I wont answer the phone for the rest of the day if its him. Or read his texts. I am 63. I dont put up with disrespect anymore.

I think he is a narcicist. He certainly lacks the empathy rhat my.other kids have. But he doesnt think anything is wrong with him and wont even try to get help. So i love him but he either respects me or we dont speak. I used to feel guilty about it. Nowi feel like its the right think to do. His siblings cant stand him and he has abused them too. I dont try to force it.

I hope you find something that works for you. Keep posting! And remember...you can stop her abuse by flat out refusong to listen to or read it.

thank you so much! earlier i had seen several people referring to that book, i'll definitely get it! i just had dr appointment last week for many reason, stress & grief mostly. anyway, my Dr said she sounds like "narcicist", i was floored..however it makes perfect sense now. i immediately did the research..she was diagnosed with Borderline (BPD) in her early 20's. sadly i didn't get it or try to understand.. i had my hands full with her sister..you are right, i'm too old now, i feel like i'm 80..thank you again for the advise & kind remarks! I'll be getting that book asap!

 

[RN0441]

Southern:

I read your post but don't know anything about this but I just KNEW someone would give you some sound advice.

Sorry you are going through this and glad you found support here!

 

[southrngirrrl]

thank you! bless your heart, i know i'm not alone or unique!

 

[Mamacat]

No, you are not alone. I too have a difficult daughter. She is 45. I have two granddaughters who I cannot speak to. She has ended contact with me because ii wouldn't sign for an apt. I'm 71 and tired. I'm grateful she stopped talking to me. I'm going forward with my life. Sometimes ii miss the 3 of therm, but I beginning to love the peace and quiet. Keep coming back. There's a lot of wisdom here.

 

[southrngirrrl]

No, you are not alone. I too have a difficult daughter. She is 45. I have two granddaughters who I cannot speak to. She has ended contact with me because ii wouldn't sign for an apt. I'm 71 and tired. I'm grateful she stopped talking to me. I'm going forward with my life. Sometimes ii miss the 3 of therm, but I beginning to love the peace and quiet. Keep coming back. There's a lot of wisdom here.

thank you dear!

 

[wisernow]

Sorry that you had to find us, but life has a way doesn't it of pointing us in directions when we look with an open heart and open eyes! I agree with all of the posters above. You do not deserve to be abused in this way and by starting the detachment process you will be saving yourself first, and being present and there for the other two adult children who it sounds like you have a good relationship with. Do not let the older daughter control your life any longer. However expect her to up the ante in the early stages...they all do. Stay strong....we are all hugging you! Visualize that if it helps!

 

[southrngirrrl]

Sorry that you had to find us, but life has a way doesn't it of pointing us in directions when we look with an open heart and open eyes! I agree with all of the posters above. You do not deserve to be abused in this way and by starting the detachment process you will be saving yourself first, and being present and there for the other two adult children who it sounds like you have a good relationship with. Do not let the older daughter control your life any longer. However expect her to up the ante in the early stages...they all do. Stay strong....we are all hugging you! Visualize that if it helps!

thank you so much! she always ups the ante anytime i try to resist or disagree with her, so i fully expect that. i just ordered the book "walking on eggshells" as suggested. i hope i can get through it before my trip.. funny thing is, my daughter is a beautiful funny & sometimes very compassionate person she has many friends who just thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. is this a common trait with Borderline (BPD)? i'm just dumbfounded by it because she pulls it off flawlessly. up until this last episode i always forgave & would think it would be different the next time, she has a wonderful way to act sweet to me just for long enough for me to walk right into "war zone". it has baffled my son for years, can't understand why i always think it's gonna be different to the point of calling me "wile e. coyote. i really need to strength & resolve to actually follow through this time & i'm very committed to doing just that. i appreciate the advise from this group & really looking forward to reading the book! thanks again everyone!

 

[dayatatime]

Splitting- casting people as all-good or all-bad, or a particular person at a particular moment as all-good or all-bad, then casting them some other way the next moment is the defining trait of Borderline (BPD). Intelligence and big-heartedness are also very common. The most well-regarded treatment is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. You might want to read up on it for your own sake-- it's mostly a set of skills to help manage life-- stuff we could all use, and need extra doses of to deal with extra challenging situations.

I'm sorry you are suffering. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly, or to be subjected to such maelstroms.

 

[southrngirrrl]

Splitting- casting people as all-good or all-bad, or a particular person at a particular moment as all-good or all-bad, then casting them some other way the next moment is the defining trait of Borderline (Borderline (BPD)). Intelligence and big-heartedness are also very common. The most well-regarded treatment is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. You might want to read up on it for your own sake-- it's mostly a set of skills to help manage life-- stuff we could all use, and need extra doses of to deal with extra challenging situations.

I'm sorry you are suffering. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly, or to be subjected to such maelstroms.

thank you very much! i have read a book years ago about DBT suggested by a therapist. it was helpful at the time, yet my younger daughter's autism was/is all consuming. plus my oldest daughter was already in her 20's & out of the house. i think i gave the book to her, but honestly i don't remember. somehow i've just let this "maelstrom" that you describe as being our normal. your description was spot on! i have work to do now that i have the knowledge, no more enabling/hiding..i do love her dearly & have great compassion for her most of the time except when i'm the focus of her rage, which is often! actually, i seem to be the only person she treats this way, at least i've never seen her treat others this way. i think i know why, if she were not my my daughter i would've dropped her after the 2nd time of this treatment. yet, as her mother & i'm sure the only person on this planet that loves her unconditionally, i've tolerated it thousands of times, Jesus, i feel like i've created a monster by letting go on for 30 plus years. i just know i'll be 60 in 2 weeks & i can't take one more second of it! thank you so much, all of you!

 

[Acacia]

hello everyone, somehow out of desperation i googled "how to disengage from daughter with borderline personality disorder" and i was directed to this website. after reading many helpful comments i knew i needed to sign up, so i did..now i cannot find that thread! i would appreciate any help, my daughter is 36 & i'm almost 60.. she's literally killing me emotionally/mentally or i should say i have allowed her to all of her life & i'm just unable to go on. i need real help on how to just really let go & disengage, i now know i can't argue or state my my feeling, hurt etc. to her! i love her with all my heart, however my youngest daughter is profoundly autistic & she is just overwhelming & heart breaking for very different reasons (she is innocent). i cry everyday now at the prospect of disengaging with my older daughter, she will be livid, cruel & filled with rage! however, i know i have to do this if i'm gonna ever have a chance at getting mentally well. my youngest needs me! thank you for any help suggestions! oh, the deal is that i'm going up north to be with my youngest daughter for her birthday next month & i have chosen not to tell my oldest daughter (she lives only 10 miles) from her younger sister, yet has nothing to do with her at all..this is her recent behaviour since last september when i flew up there along with my son who flew from texas so we could have a family reunion. i bought 4 tickest to see rod stewart for all of us including her partner & stayed at her new house. mind you this was all at her begging & invitation. i was more than elated & happy to be with all 3 of my children at the same time! as soon as we got there & i mean immediately she turned on me. would not allow her younger sister at her house ( used her dog as an excuse), so my son & i had to get a hotel room last minute for 2 nights so we could spend time with her. my oldest daughter made it very clear that my presence in her home was unwanted. she treated me very poorly & cruel..as always i didn't see it coming, it just broke my heart! she wanted to have complete control & changed all of the plans to her liking..anyway the whole trip was ruined & i've cried everyday since..now i just want to go up & spend time with my autistic daughter..no more hurt/drama/bullying/cruelty..i know she'll find out eventually, hope not until i leave. but she will just crucify me when she finds out that i came & didn't let her know..please help me with how to deal or not deal with the fall out! thank you so very much for letting just say all of this & get out there!

I, too, have a 36 year old daughter, who is borderline, though not on the extreme end. I also have two other children. It's been heartbreak for the last 15 years because of her poor choices and expecting to be rescued. It's as though she is an open wound, and everything scrapes her, yet she cannot recognize her own unkindness and dysfunction. I am 64 and finally learning to set boundaries, but I fall down a lot still. I have come to believe that I must do what is right for me and the rest of my family, even if it feels unkind to her. Even those with personality issues such as Borderline (BPD) can choose to get help. I am choosing to save myself. It is hard. My daughter just left another abusive partner, whom I tried to warn her against. She has a newborn and a 5 year old and will possibly be homeless, but I have told her I won't take her in again. I've done it too many times. This is a time of my life when I deserve to use my resources and time as I see fit. My hope for you is that you recognize that you have done nothing wrong, you deserve to be treated with respect, and though it is difficult, the better you take care of yourself, better it will be for everyone, including your Borderline (BPD) model because she will have to face getting help and taking responsibility for herself.

 

[southrngirrrl]

I, too, have a 36 year old daughter, who is borderline, though not on the extreme end. I also have two other children. It's been heartbreak for the last 15 years because of her poor choices and expecting to be rescued. It's as though she is an open wound, and everything scrapes her, yet she cannot recognize her own unkindness and dysfunction. I am 64 and finally learning to set boundaries, but I fall down a lot still. I have come to believe that I must do what is right for me and the rest of my family, even if it feels unkind to her. Even those with personality issues such as Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) can choose to get help. I am choosing to save myself. It is hard. My daughter just left another abusive partner, whom I tried to warn her against. She has a newborn and a 5 year old and will possibly be homeless, but I have told her I won't take her in again. I've done it too many times. This is a time of my life when I deserve to use my resources and time as I see fit. My hope for you is that you recognize that you have done nothing wrong, you deserve to be treated with respect, and though it is difficult, the better you take care of yourself, better it will be for everyone, including your Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) model because she will have to face getting help and taking responsibility for herself.

thank you acacia,
well said! my daughter just blows through one relationship after another.. she gave her baby up when he was 8 months old, of course i took him & raised him for a couple of years & then his other grandparents (i'm a widow) offered to care for him, they were much more financially & emotionally stable than i was. my autistic daughter was just 6 y/o at the time & my husband had just passed. i said yes & we did it all legal. they have given him a wonderful life & i have access to him, we are very close! I have rescued her so many times i've lost count..i've lost thousands of dollar & list goes on..yet she see's none of it. i'm just broken finally & i truly feel that i can disengage this time but i expect a complete storm! this web page/support has been a god send! thank you all so very much! my book should be here any day now "walking on eggshells", i ordered it on amazon the very fiest day i joined this group! oops, sorry about the curse word, my bad!

 

[radams]

No, you are not alone. I too have a difficult daughter. She is 45. I have two granddaughters who I cannot speak to. She has ended contact with me because ii wouldn't sign for an apt. I'm 71 and tired. I'm grateful she stopped talking to me. I'm going forward with my life. Sometimes ii miss the 3 of therm, but I beginning to love the peace and quiet. Keep coming back. There's a lot of wisdom here.

My daughter is 43 and has done the same to me: no contact with my granddaughters, no contact with her. She's pushed it another step by filling an harassment restraining order against me (even though two different law firms agreed that she had no grounds). That means if I text, email, send snail mail, am in the vicinity of their house or school, show up at a family event where she is present, etc., I'll be arrested and taken to jail. Fighting the harassment order has already cost me $3,000 and could go much higher if she decides to go for the jugular. I'm on social security, so coming up with defense money means a high interest credit card loan as my SS payments aren't enough to cover the defense. It appears she is trying to ruin me, emotionally, financially, and to obliterate my good reputation. Sad and painful. I've been paralyzed with grief for the last month or so but know I have to get up again and keep going.

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, hon. Im so sorry. It is always so hard to admit our adult kids...some of them...are cruel. Your daughter is over the top. Why fight it? Why be anywhere she is? It will only hurt you more.

She sounds worse than borderline...maybe antisocial. Do go on with your own life. Get into therapy if you are doing very poorly. You did not cause this in your daughter. You love her. But some glitch in her brain or perhaps something else has made her this way, and mothers tend to get it the worst.

I am flabberghasted at how cruel she is to you. Frankly, if this were me (and I am not saying you should do this, but what I would probably do) id likely move quietly and put huge physical diatance beyween us and start a new life, regardless of my age, so I did not have to think about running into her.

I am very sorry this is going on. Do sart to take care of yourself. You are precious and loving and deserve it.

 

[radams]

Oh, hon. Im so sorry. It is always so hard to admit our adult kids...some of them...are cruel. Your daughter is over the top. Why fight it? Why be anywhere she is? It will only hurt you more.

She sounds worse than borderline...maybe antisocial. Do go on with your own life. Get into therapy if you are doing very poorly. You did not cause this in your daughter. You love her. But some glitch in her brain or perhaps something else has made her this way, and mothers tend to get it the worst.

I am flabberghasted at how cruel she is to you. Frankly, if this were me (and I am not saying you should do this, but what I would probably do) id likely move quietly and put huge physical diatance beyween us and start a new life, regardless of my age, so I did not have to think about running into her.

I am very sorry this is going on. Do sart to take care of yourself. You are precious and loving and deserve it.

Oh, hon. Im so sorry. It is always so hard to admit our adult kids...some of them...are cruel. Your daughter is over the top. Why fight it? Why be anywhere she is? It will only hurt you more.

She sounds worse than borderline...maybe antisocial. Do go on with your own life. Get into therapy if you are doing very poorly. You did not cause this in your daughter. You love her. But some glitch in her brain or perhaps something else has made her this way, and mothers tend to get it the worst.

I am flabberghasted at how cruel she is to you. Frankly, if this were me (and I am not saying you should do this, but what I would probably do) id likely move quietly and put huge physical diatance beyween us and start a new life, regardless of my age, so I did not have to think about running into her.

I am very sorry this is going on. Do sart to take care of yourself. You are precious and loving and deserve it.

Thank you for your reply to my post.

I have to fight the harassment restraining order because the allegations my daughter's made could ruin my reputation. I'm looking at volunteer opportunities, and I don't want to have to explain about my daughter or not be considered at all.

My husband is bound and determined to stay in our house until he dies or can no longer take care of himself, so I know he'd never agree to moving.

 

[BusynMember]

I understand.

 

[radams]

I understand.

I found out yesterday that my son, who has always said (seemingly with pride) that he thinks I was a great parent, told my attorneys, when asked if he would be willing to testify at the harassment restraining order trial brought by my daughter, that "I am looking forward to testifying against my mother at the trial." My husband and I are both stunned beyond belief. I know my son wants to have a good relationship with his sister, but she treats him only slightly better than she treats me. He obviously has some deep-seated issues with me that either he's been covering up from himself or he's been lying to me all these years or something else. If I didn't have my husband, I would have slit my wrists yesterday and been done with the whole damn world.

 

[BusynMember]

Thats terrible. I am so very sorry. Have you spoken to him about it?

 

[radams]

Thats terrible. I am so very sorry. Have you spoken to him about it?

He won't speak to me, email me, text me, nothing. I'm angry, hurt, and grief-stricken. Life goes on. Just not with my children in it, I guess. Sorry to sound so dismal.